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My $.02 on rape

by Mir on August 21, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

It’s Tuesday, so that means I’m over at Feel More Better, but today I couldn’t muster up something funny. In the wake of yesterday’s comments by Rep. Akin and the resulting discussions of what rape is and isn’t and what it can and can’t do, I find myself realizing things about the world (and myself) that I wish were different.

So really, I owe Akin a thanks for this rape epiphany, I guess. (Not that I can quite bring myself to thank him without my tongue lodged firmly in my cheek, on account of he’s a jerk.)

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Comments { 13 }

Here’s your medal for existing

by Mir on August 7, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Today you can find me playing the role of crusty ol’ curmudgeon over at Feel More Better, where I am lamenting the role that rewards have come to play in our children’s lives. Not a new topic, to be sure, but driven home for me yesterday in an unexpected way.

Kids today, man. Pretty sure they’re not going to be able to get out of bed for anything less than a ticker tape parade and a life-size trophy.

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Comments { 4 }

“I can SEE!” said the blind boy

by Mir on July 5, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

A little while back I suspected that Monkey might be having some trouble seeing. (I think this was because he’d developed the habit of reading with the book resting within an inch of the tip of his nose.) I took him to the optometrist for an exam and they said no, his vision was only very slightly off (like, maybe 20/30 instead of 20/20), and he was fine. Probably we should tell him to hold the book a little further away.

I told him to hold the book out further, and he did. End of story.

Except that while Monkey was away on this last trip with his dad, my ex called me up one day and said, “I think Monkey needs glasses. When’s the last time you had his eyes checked?” He may or may not have said it in an accusatory way, but of course all I heard was “DAMN, WOMAN, YOU ARE A TERRIBLE MOTHER. THIS CHILD IS BLIND, YOU NEGLECTFUL WHORE.”

I went ahead and made an appointment for Monkey to have an eye exam a couple of days after he returned. (more…)

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Comments { 73 }

Inappropriate laughter

by Mir on June 22, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Oh look! Something furry!!

I have become the Queen of Inappropriate Laughter. This isn’t entirely new; I have always had a bent towards the unintentional snicker at less-than-optimal times. But now—mired in grief and worry—I go entire days in complete numbness, it feels like, only to have the odd comment strike my funny bone. I laugh until I cry. And that’s a nice change of pace from just crying.

Otto and his brothers text each other all the time. The other day, Nearly Nickless sent Otto a text that had him guffawing. I asked to see it, and at first I wasn’t sure what was so funny. It was a picture of Nickless teetering on the edge of curb. Otto pointed out that it was taken at the restaurant where my mother-in-law fell and broke her hip after Christmas. It was a reenactment photo!

We couldn’t stop laughing. Even as we kept choking to each other, “This is wrong. THIS IS SO, SO WRONG.” Didn’t matter. We laughed and laughed. You used to be able to take me anywhere twice—the second time to apologize—but now it’s safer for all involved if I just stay home and alternately weep and cackle to myself. (more…)

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Comments { 49 }

Hold that thought

by Mir on May 22, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

I have many, many things to tell you about yesterday. The whole family has been getting in on the action, too—suggesting post titles, pointing out this thing or that which I simply must remember to include in the details—but it will have to wait one more day. I’m sorry to be a tease; circumstances beyond my control, and all that. Tomorrow! All the gory details!

Today, however, I have to go tend to some other things… like buying some Vaseline to stick in my nose. (Thanks for that suggestion. How had that not occurred to me before?)

While I’m gone, you can go check out my post over at Off Our Chests about our visit to the Grand Canyon. Did I mention that that place is really, really big? Because it is.

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Comments { 6 }

Mir just became the Mayor of Meansville!

by Mir on April 17, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

It’s Tuesday, so I’m going to redirect you to Off Our Chests, this time to confirm what you already knew—I’m a jerk. I’m mean! All of the other parents are cooler than I am!

[Aside: Chickadee has one friend who thinks I'm awesome. I have no idea where she got this idea, but I'm not about to disabuse her of it. Every time I give her a ride somewhere or she comes over or I see her at a school function or whatever, she laughs at my lame jokes and tells Chickie I'm the coolest mom ever. I've started calling her My Favorite Daughter and I'm SURE that's helping the already-strained relations 'round here, right? Because the only thing better than one of your friends thinking your terrible mom is actually a human being is your mom making it clear that she's lapping it up. Heh.]

Anyway. Tomorrow my darling daughter turns 14 (related: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN??), and I have many presents I need to go wrap for her. But the thing she wants the most—and still isn’t getting—is Facebook. Because I’m a monster, obviously. C’mon over and weigh in. (I give it about an hour before someone with a creative name like “Anonymous” tells me how wrongishly wrong and stupid I am.)

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Comments { 28 }

Just like Jesus

by Mir on April 9, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Oh look! Something furry!!

Easter was a relatively low-key event ’round here. Thanks to my last-minute grocery store run, we had enough food to feed a small army. This isn’t my fault; given our plans to just have a quiet dinner of the four of us, and given that one of us doesn’t eat meat, my intention was to buy a few ham steaks and we’d just cook them out on the grill. But it turns out that the day before Easter, giant hunks of pig are actually cheaper than smaller, more manageable hunks of pig. Naturally, I opted for a small ham because it was more food for less money (and that’s my particular mental illness, that I am IN MY MIND always just one grocery selection away from not being able to feed my family).

And as long as we were having a bona fide ham, well, then we needed stuff to go with it to make it all official, of course. So somehow we ended up with a giant meal. Because if there’s ham, there must also be a mountain of mashed potatoes! And veggies! And a whole pineapple, which we totally forgot about and never even cut up. Whoops. We did not, however, forget about the pie. Mmmmmm… pie.

Anyway. What? Oh, right. Low-key Easter. (more…)

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Comments { 19 }

Christ is risen, and my foot is delicious

by Mir on April 7, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Today we are carefully preparing for this holiest of weekends in the standard way: You know, getting up early, cajoling the children into doing yard work with us while they complain bitterly (“I hit my leg on the wheelbarrow!” “These sticks are hurting my hands!”), then realizing that tomorrow is Easter and we have no food and I have to go grocery shopping.

The usual.

Anyway, as I wandered through the supermarket, comparing prices on various hunks of delicious pig meats (Jesus probably kept kosher, which makes the Easter fixation on giant hams rather odd), I felt almost peaceful. We got a lot done this morning. And I was shopping alone, in blessed, whine-free silence.

All of this is preface to telling you that I have no idea WHY—when the cashier held up a little donation slip and asked me if I wanted to “Donate a dollar to save a baby”—the thing that fell out of my mouth was, “No thanks, I hate babies!”

I was joking. She was horrified.

I’m an ass. (Sorry, Jesus. Please accept this pie by way of apology.)

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Comments { 33 }

Regrouping, and searching

by Mir on April 4, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I’ve reached the segment of our program where I’m finding it difficult say much, to anyone. Never mind writing about my delicate feeeeelings, Otto’s customary “How was your day?” query as we’re getting settled in bed at night is enough to render me speechless. How was my day? Ummm, Chickadee remains medically fragile and I think Monkey has another sinus infection (which you understand to mean “He says he feels fine, but he’s being a complete butthead at school and has a nasty cough, so that probably means he’s sick”), so my days mostly feel like a mad dash from here to there, cradling a dozen raw eggs in my arms, hoping that none of them drop and go splat. If everyone got everywhere they were supposed to go and no one had to go to the hospital, I guess it was an okay day.

Inbetween driving children to more doctors’ appointments than I ever realized were even possible, arguing with our insurance company, and filling out paperwork for everything from summer camp to next year’s high school schedule, I choose to focus on the things I actually have some power over. Because that’s HEALTHY, sort of.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the suckage I cannot change, the courage to find a decent hairstyle, and the wisdom not to schedule that stylist appointment while the kids need a ride somewhere. Amen. (more…)

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Comments { 46 }

Well, here you go

by Mir on March 19, 2012 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Health is overrated

In the continuing saga of My Oh My What Exactly IS Wrong With This Chickadee Kid, Anyway… a while back one of her doctors sent us to another doctor who sent us to a third doctor. And she told two friends, and they told two friends, and so on, and so on, and… oh, wait. That’s a shampoo commercial, not what happened to us with the doctor. My mistake. (But your hair really DOES smell terrific.)

Anyway, we met with this new doctor—we’ll call him Dr. Zebra, for reasons which will make no sense to anyone but me and Chickie, who leaned over to me the moment we left his office that first time and said, “IF YOU BLOG ABOUT HIM YOU MUST CALL HIM DR. ZEBRA”—about a month ago and sat in his office and Talked About The Situation while he took copious notes. I find that all good doctors start out with taking a lot of notes which you never end up getting to see, and I strongly suspect them to be a combination of “Kilroy was here” doodles and phrases like “Holy crap this kid is a medical mess but darned if I have any idea why.” He asked both of us a lot of questions about everything that had happened so far, and her symptoms, and her medications, and then he started asking all of the standard “history” questions, like if her birth was normal and such.

“And what do you do, Mom?” he finally asked, pen poised over his clipboard, while I briefly fantasized about answering “I’m a hooker,” just to see if it would break his easy composure. (more…)

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Comments { 46 }
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