June 11, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

So. Um. Yesterday was interesting.

Chickadee spent the afternoon playing at a friend’s house, and when I picked her up, the girls—who had apparently spent the afternoon hiding in Pixie’s room, giggling, as tweens are wont to do—emerged and I actually gasped.

While Chickadee has been rashy for several weeks, now, something happened yesterday. We still have no idea what. But the child who reluctantly emerged to be taken home looked as though she’d been burned over most of her body. The rash had spread to her face. Her arms were lumpy and sandpapery and bright red. There were lesions inside her ears and between her toes. And her hands were covered with tiny blisters, front and back.

I drove home as quickly as was safe and walked into the house and said to Otto, “I am about two seconds from taking this child to the Emergency Room, so either talk me off the ledge and tell me it’s not as bad as I think, or tell me it’s time to go.” (more…)

June 8, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

When I was a kid I went to camp. Always. And I loved it—don’t get me wrong—but I feel like the proper reward for everyone in the family for surviving another year of getting up at o’dark thirty five days a week to get to school is a summer full of… relaxing. At home. Where Mom is not required to drive anyone anywhere.

It’s a wonderful thing, having children old enough that they can more or less entertain themselves. We have some very simple daily goals here at Casa Mir. We take care of the garden. Both kids are enrolled in the summer reading program at our library. Piano lessons continue, as do prolonged negotiations over whether or not twenty minutes of sitting AT the piano and really THINKING about practicing counts as practice. There is swimming. Lots and lots and lots of swimming. There is bike-riding, when it’s not too hot. There is going outside and then coming back in and whining that it’s too hot outside. There are various trips here and there to break things up.

Stuff like that. Sounds like an idyllic way to spend the summer, yes? I think it sounds marvelous. (more…)

June 6, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Sometimes I keep waiting for a big cohesive story to come along before I sit down and write, and then I realize that actually, I’ll be waiting a long time. And there are little tidbits I want to remember, in the meantime.

Things I Have Learned While Gardening
Cabbages like coffee grounds. Sometimes tomato plants fall over for no reason (but will stand up and grow again if you use a couple of supports). The same children who sometimes push store-bought beans around on their plates at dinnertime will argue over whose turn it is to go pick beans, and then eat half the haul en route. Watermelons are surprisingly hard to grow. As soon as I decide that maybe I DO like the parsley that came back from last year unbidden—because how could I not, with it growing so tall and lush?—it will start to bolt. Two seasons in, I’d say it’s confirmed: I suck at growing peppers.

(I should write a gardening manual, or something. I mean, wasn’t that incredibly useful?) (more…)

June 2, 2009 | Health is overrated, My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Last year my daughter was misdiagnosed with Molloscum Contagiosum.

Then we went to a dermatologist who told us she was surely allergic to berries and citrus.

Then we went to an allergist who said no, actually, she was she was allergic to peanuts.

And then her rash cleared up when she stopped eating peanut butter. That was back in September.

A few weeks ago she started being all rashy, again, and because I’d had some success going wheat-free for some skin issues, we decided to take her off wheat as well to see if it helped. It seemed to help, though it wasn’t the solution.

So we went to the allergist, and he tested her for wheat and peanut allergies.

They called yesterday to tell us that she isn’t testing allergic to either of those, and I should certainly put her back on wheat, and if that goes okay, try peanuts again. Bonus: The allergist suggested we take her to see a dermatologist. Probably because that went SO well, last time.

Okay, then.

So Chickadee had a bowl of pasta last night.

And woke up covered head to toe in rash this morning.

You know, because she’s not allergic.

THIS IS WHY I HATE DOCTORS. THE END.

May 26, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Otto: So I was thinking, when we go camping this summer, we should go to Dearborn, Michigan.
Chickadee: [blank stare]
Otto: There’s some really cool stuff there. Like, Greenfield Village, which is set up like it was in olden times. And there’s a Ford factory tour, where you can see them putting trucks together!
Chickadee: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh. Boy. That sounds. So. Exciting.
Otto: No, really, it’s really interesting. I think you’ll like it.
Chickadee: [suddenly inspired] I have an idea! You and Monkey can go watch them put trucks together, and Mom and I can go get a pedicure!
Otto: [to me] Where did I go wrong with this one?
Chickadee: [with a grand sweep of her arm] PEDICURES ACROSS AMERICA! LET’S GO!!

I have glimpsed the teen years, and I am frightened.

May 25, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

So, as I mentioned in passing, before, I went on this weird restrictive diet to try to clear up some issues I was having with my skin. (And by “issues” I of course mean “leprosy-like eruptions.” Gosh, I hope you weren’t eating anything when you read that.) For two entire weeks I eliminated a host of foods I love dearly, and I went heavy on the fruits, veggies, nuts (though not peanuts, because I already suspect I’ve developed a sensitivity to those, on account of my being a delicate flower and everything), and lean meats.

My skin cleared up. It was a thing of beauty.

At that point I concluded that perhaps I’d just been all out of whack with sugar and my glycemic index, and that probably my troubles were now over. I would just slowwwwwwwly add back in the suspect foods one at a time to confirm. I’d start with wheat, because it was the thing I missed the most, and also the thing least likely to be the culprit.

AHAHAHAHAHAHA. I am cute when I’m stupid. (more…)

May 21, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

School is now officially out for the summer, and something wonderful has happened.

I’m positively THRILLED.

It’s not that I didn’t like summers, before, but this is the first summer I find myself really looking forward to in, well, certainly in my tenure as a parent. I’m aware that that sounds bad, but hear me out. When the kids were little and I stayed home with them, summer was no different than the rest of the year. When the kids were a bit older but I was divorced and working, summer was rife with guilt over not being able to take time off and relax with them, and then further guilt over not being able to provide them any sort of vacation. Two years ago, summer was all about moving and getting settled (exciting, but not exactly relaxing or without its own problems), and last year summer carried with it a schedule that pretty much guaranteed zero relaxation for anyone involved.

This year is different. (more…)

May 19, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

It came as a total shock to me, yesterday, when we filed into the school for Chickadee’s “moving on ceremony” and I found myself tearing up a little.

I am not a terribly sentimental person under the best of circumstances. And as we already know, Monkey’s moving on ceremony didn’t exactly set me up to expect great things. But MAN OH MAN they put on the Ritz for the fifth graders, and it was impossible to stand there and not think about how my firstborn—who was once a baby with bright blue eyes and a cloud of hair standing up every which way with static—is now a young lady with piercing hazel eyes and a carefully arranged coif (”Mom! STOP TOUCHING MY HAIR!”), who is headed off to middle school next year.

My baby is in striking distance to teendom, and it’s both weird and wonderful. Also, it makes my eyes leak. Particularly when you play “Pomp and Circumstance” while making the kids file in two by two. (more…)

May 15, 2009 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

It’s getting to where it feels like I need a whole separate calendar just to keep track of the end-of-school-year events and happenings and places we are required to be and things we need to do. (For example: The day after school ends, incoming middle schoolers for the following year who wish to be in the band have to go fork over a few wads of cash, sign paperwork, and pick their instruments. Should you move to the district later than the day after school ends, one assumes you are relegated to playing tuba. In the corner.)

Today was a very special day wherein Chickadee and a classmate were allowed to leave school and go out to lunch with a teacher and various associated parents because of an award they won, so we went over to school and got the kids and assembled at a local restaurant for this positively decadent treat. “This is way better than anything I would’ve gotten in the cafeteria today,” the other kid said, around a mouthful of cheeseburger. (more…)

May 14, 2009 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

This morning, we trooped over to school like the dutiful parents and grandparents we are, and watched while a whole passel of third graders were shepherded through their “moving on” ceremony, even though there’s still a week of school left.

This is a terrible time of year for the kids; in addition to the end of the school year kind of bringing the CRAYZEE no matter what (because… CHANGE! means you should… RUN AROUND IN CIRCLES! or something, when you’re a kid), owing to our superfantabulous redistricting that goes into place next year, approximately 65% of our student body will be headed to a different school next year. Approximately 100% of these kids will be losing close friends to a different school, and approximately 110% of the parents in this district assume that our School Board is run by minions of Lucifer himself.

Anyway! Moving on. Today it was time to moooove on. (more…)