May 8, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Last summer, when we moved here, the drought was severe and our little neighborhood pond mostly a half-hearted mud puddle. It smelled of baked earth and rotting plants and after a visit or two to sort of scope out the area, we didn’t go back again. Why would we? It was teeming with mosquitoes and not much else.

This spring, the kids have rediscovered the pond. Now there is no greater prize for them than being told they can pull on their rainboots and grab some cups and buckets and go out to the pond to “explore.” Exploring is serious business, you know. There are creatures to be captured (always just for temporary observation in the bucket, then freed later) and sounds to consider and—often—a pair of geese waddling around and watching intruders with curious but tolerant glances.

The pond is close enough that the kids can go out alone, and this often affords me precious uninterrupted work time. They head off, happily, and I turn back to the trappings of adulthood. (more…)

May 5, 2008 | What do I do all day?, Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

Yesterday Otto got a wild hair—and by “wild hair” I of course mean that he set out to do EXACTLY what he’d been telling me for two months he was going to do, but I was just sort of hoping ignoring him and practicing denial might stave off the inevitable—and declared it an Outside Work day.

We have a couple of acres, here, and the best part about it is that most of it is WOODS. Woods are awesome, because they’re shady, and they present lots of opportunities for your children to go out and muck around and turn over logs and find gross bugs, but BEST OF ALL, woods do not require mowing, digging, pruning, or other maintenance. They just sort of stand there.

Unfortunately, we also have a rather large garden plot across the front of the house, and then that whole area inside the fence back around the pool, and both areas are not unlike Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom. There could totally be bobcats hiding in there, is all I’m saying. (more…)

April 29, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Other than some good ol’ boy showing up on my doorstep yesterday to ask if “dat dere truck’s fer sale, I’s seen it jus’ settin’ dere a few times,” it was an extremely ordinary day. (I told my visitor that the truck was not, in fact, for sale. He seemed perplexed, and reiterated that he’s seen it “jus’ settin’ dere” for a while now, and I assured him that we use our little pick-up for special events like trips to Lowe’s and clearing the brush out of the backyard. Then I wondered why I was justifying our truck usage to a stranger, and bid him a good day and closed the door. Chickadee—who had witnessed the entire thing, including him pulling into the driveway in a blue truck—then asked me why that man wants to buy OUR truck when clearly he already HAS a truck.)

So in the absence of any major expenditures with junior geography scouts (it’s possible that Otto and I will now replace “Gorgonzola!” with “Jakarta is a city in Indonesia!” as our favorite interjection), I bring you, instead, more brilliance from my youngest. (more…)

April 25, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Sometimes, I sit down to write in the morning and there is a Big Thing on my mind that I really do NOT want to get into, so I try to find something else to natter on about, and then sometimes there is simply nothing shiny available and my children have been neither unusually delightful or horrid and then—very rarely, but it happens—I wander off and realize twelve hours later that, Oh, hey, I never wrote today.

Whoops.

So I could get into a BIG GIGANTIC RANT to finish out the week (Hint: Are 504 Plans optional, and should the school which is ONCE AGAIN in violation open a conversation with me by saying “Well, really, it’s okay!”? Answer: No, and OH HELL NO.) or I could just tell you what ONE THING tickled me today. (more…)

April 24, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Growing

Things have been a tiny bit tense around here lately; I don’t suppose you’ve noticed. To say we’ve all been a little stressed out would not be inaccurate. And while I can’t speak for the kids, obviously, I know that I personally feel a lot more angst when my children are having trouble getting over a hump and I can’t seem to help them.

Both of them are struggling right now with different things. I am left feeling like what I do is never enough and that if only I could find THAT THING that would fix it all, we could all heave a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, THAT THING is completely beyond my grasp; whether because it’s imaginary or because I’m a moron, well… sometimes it’s hard to know. Nevertheless, some days life feels more like a struggle than a journey. And some days I wonder if hoping for change is foolhardy. (more…)

April 22, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Mom. MOOOOOOOOOM! Did you write a mushy post about me? REALLY? DID YOU? Because 10 is not interested in your mushy-gooshy love. How EMBARRASSING.

Why are you always embarrassing me?? GOD.

Clearly we need to go over the rules again. And just to drive the point home, allow me to follow The Weekend Of All Things For The Child with some pointed behavior to let you know that YOUR EFFORTS ARE NOT APPRECIATED. In fact, the harder you try to do something special for me, the greater my urge to stand in the middle of the kitchen and pee on the floor just to see the look on your face. Not that I would ever actually DO that, because I am FAR TOO OLD AND COOL to do something that gross. Instead I will indulge in the occasional tantrum or twelve because YOU MADE ME. (more…)

April 18, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Dear Chickadee,

When you turned 10, I was dumb enough to ask the internet for their thoughts on bringing food into the movies, which—let’s face it—we have always done because we are a family of hoodlums. After receiving more comments on that post than on the one where I totaled the car or when Otto and I got engaged, I sat you down and asked you if you thought that rules could be ignored whenever we felt like it, just because sometimes we bring our own snacks. You rolled your eyes. “Of course not! You always follow the rules! It’s just that that rule is dumb.” It brought a tear to my eye, truly.

When you turned 10, I told you to go clean your room and you actually did it. Your closet—a.k.a. The Dumping Ground—resembled a military locker when you were done, and I was astonished by your conscientiousness. (more…)

April 13, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

So last week I had a day where Chickadee was invited on a last-minute playdate and Monkey was just DYING from the injustice of it. I offered up half a dozen different suggestions of things we could do, just the two of us, without her, but the whining went unabated as he insisted that he NEEEEEEDED some time with his FRIIIIIENDS.

I did what any good mother would do; I called up a fellow mom and invited us over to her house. (Don’t you wish you lived here? I could be eating all the snacks in your pantry RIGHT NOW.) As it happened, they already had an extra boy-child over, so the three of them ran off to play while we moms sat and chatted and drank cold water as the hot breeze puffed in through the screen door.

At some point we shooed the boys outside, but they were nervous about going because there were a couple of carpenter bees buzzing around just outside the door. (more…)

April 9, 2008 | At least he pays child support, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

There are many things I would like to teach my children as they grow. I think that everyone should know how to swim. I think that everyone should know how to find worms and how to bait them on a hook, even if they think it’s gross and only do it once. I think that everyone should know how to cook a basic meal where all four food groups are represented. I think everyone should know how to be truthful and, when the truth would be hurtful to another, how to soften it if necessary.

I think everyone needs to know that life is rarely fair.

I would like it very much if my children could learn that last one without feeling like there is a constant push-pull going on between their father and myself, but guess what! Life isn’t fair, and in this way it is particularly unfair for them. Nothing is fair in divorce. (more…)

March 31, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Job? Huh?

I did my second stint as a guest speaker in a journalism class this morning, and I am once again reminded that there is no greater privilege than shaping young minds.

Wait, what? Geez, I’m sorry. Sometimes when I haven’t had enough coffee, a large LOAD OF CRAP falls out of my mouth (fingers). It sounded nice, though, didn’t it?

Oh, I love college students. LOVE THEM! I do. Except for how they’re so young and I feel like a senior citizen when I’m around them. And how they come to a 9:00 lecture and take a nap in the back of the auditorium.

Yes, I saw you. And you, too. I know it’s Monday, but there’s this awesome thing I encourage you all to check out—it’s called SLEEPING. In your BED, at NIGHTTIME. Try it, you might like it! (more…)