I knew the wisdom of this idea would resonate with the thinking women out there (and with Genuine, who not only skipped over the bit about polyamory not being a requirement, but also forgot that I am also still on double-secret 6-week probation!).

Now all that remains is to figure out some of the particulars. To this end, I had a long and serious discussion on the phone with my friend Marcey this morning. She is also a single mom, and we have long toyed with the idea of merging our households, except for the part where it ends up being less like “Kate and Ally” and more like “Thelma and Louise” (cliff-diving optional, but not out of the question). We came up with some salient points I want to share, since everyone seems so interested.

1) There must be at least four wives. What two women get along 100% of the time? No one, that’s who. Only two, you still have some lonely times. Three wives, and two are talking smack about the third behind her back when she does something dumb. Once you reach four, everyone has a decent shot at having at least one confidante at any given time.

2) The husband is completely optional. As was pointed out in both the comments and by Marcey, with enough career wives, you have the money to pay for whatever man-related services (gutterbrained or not) you might need.

3) Women with undisciplined brats need not apply. Is there anything more aggravating than a mother who looks at her child whomping on another child and coos, “Oh Junior, play nice,” and then goes back to painting her nails? You must believe in firm discipline for your children. You must be perfectly okay with other women disciplining your child if you don’t catch an infraction immediately. And you must be willing to do the same for the other kids, too. It takes a village to keep a child from becoming a spoiled selfish brat.

4) Menopause Wife is not one of the positions. Marcey and I were arguing over this spot until we realized that, technically, that wasn’t going to be a position. Unless there are so many wives that it is decided by concensus that someone is needed to have hot flashes for the entertainment of the younger wives. But by the same token…

5) Some of the wives need to still be fertile (read: of sound mind) and not have killer PMS. It’s a known fact that women who live together tend to–after a while–cycle together. If everyone has bad PMS, there are going to be some very unhappy times at the commune. So those of you out there who say things like “I’ve never understood the big deal about PMS”? I hate you, and will talk smack behind your back, but come on over, because someone has to keep things running when everyone else is bawling into their ice cream and I’ve run out of hormone patches and am swinging from the chandelier.

6) Kira and I get the first turns with either the husband or the stud we hire. Just because. I’ll even let Kira go first.

7) Laundry Wife gets to scold the children for stained clothing left in bizarre places. (That one doesn’t even need further explanation, does it?)

8) Cooking Wife is not allowed to utter the words Atkins, low-carb or wheatgrass. Tofu will be voted upon, and organic is fine. (Likewise.)

9) I totally get to be the Shoe Shopping Wife. But if there’s enough interest, maybe we can periodically rotate positions. Or not. Because it was my idea, dammit.

10) No Mormons allowed. Okay, I know that’s discriminatory. But they’d probably suck all the fun right out of it. And who wants to live in Utah, anyway? Just remember, this isn’t about serving men; this is about making our lives easier.

11) There must be babies. Part of the misery of being a single mom is the scarcity of delicious fuzzy infant heads to smell, and the knowledge that that part of your life is probably over. While I realize that most women with babies have husbands they actually like, this is about the good of the commune. We need some babies to keep the place happy. So come on over.

I think that about covers it, for now. Leave me suggestions for additional rules, or feel free to apply to join. Especially if you make lots of money.

I think we’re going to need a really big house.

I feel the looooooove, people! *sniffle* I expected a few introspective, convoluted answers to my “bloggerhood” post below, and instead I found over three dozen “I like you! Lots!” comments. Aw, shucks. I like you, too! Don’t ever change! And special kudos to those of you who delurked just to say that. I cannot promise to never alienate any of you with some of my more bizarre ruminations, but I’ll do my darndest to keep y’all around.

Speaking of which, what do you suppose a small boy who manages to make “arrivederci” rhyme with “I have a wedgie” (ah-ree-va-DED-gie turns to ah-hav-a-WED-gie) does for an encore, just when you’ve decided he is perhaps a special kind of linguistic savant? Why, he listens intently to the bedtime story’s description of wolves howling at the moon and intones, “I think that may be their way of communicating.” Well alrighty then, Einstein. If we could just keep your fingers out of your nose and get you to stop peeing the bed, you’d be ready for college.

Anyway. This post is not about either of these things.

This post is about how polygamy has gotten a bum rap. (That promise? About not alienating people? See, now, why I am reluctant?)

Now I, probably not unlike you, had always assumed that polygamy was some weird Mormon sex fetish thing. Then I saw the story about Tom Green of Utah on Dateline NBC a few years back. They devoted an hour to the inner workings of this polygamist household. The topic of sex was touched upon, but only briefly (the “head wife” is responsible for scheduling the husband’s sleeping schedule). Most of the story centered on how the wives run their day-to-day lives with the kids.

Can I tell you? I’ve had extensive discussions about this with my girlfriends and (now ex) sisters-in-law, and we all agree. The concept is brilliant. How is it that the mainstream has shunned this possibility so? I think it’s all the men who couldn’t possibly handle multiple wives, who are walking around trying to convince every one that this is a bad idea.

Yeah, I see you, there, shaking your head. Just stick with me a minute here.

First of all, what struck me most about the Dateline special–other than the interesting sight of one “team” of children being driven into town in a van to go shoe shopping–was how much the women genuinely enjoyed one another. They referred to each other as sister-wives and had nothing but praise for one another. I don’t think it was an act. Picture it: you’ve got four girlfriends right there in the house with you. You don’t like to do laundry? Fine, hand it over to the sister-wife who loves her some Tide. Need a few minutes to yourself? Direct whichever of those twenty-five rugrats are yours to go bother one of the other moms so you can pee in relative peace. Stuck on a word in your crossword puzzle? The sheer volume of other adults in the house greatly increases the odds that someone will know the answer. (Okay, I doubt any of Green’s wives do crosswords. I’m just sayin’.) Once the kids are all in bed at night? You can stay home and actually hang out with other adults, or if you want to go out for something, there is never a need for a babysitter.

Secondly, can we talk about this nighttime scheduling thing? My guess is that the head wife is well-loved by the other sister wives. The ones with more libido slip her extra cookies and hand-wash her delicates for some extra nights with the love machine. The ones who are just as happy to sleep alone and not have to deal with a midnight grope put just the right amount of starch in her crisp blouses in return for more nights “off duty.” Who amongst us that have experienced long-term relationships haven’t relished a reunion after a few days or weeks apart? It probably keeps things interesting.

Furthermore, who says polygamy must contain polyamory? I have had more strategy sessions than I should probably admit about how to set up a “sister wife commune” based on a friend’s happy marriage, where the rest of us put out in every way except in the bedroom. We sister wives would still be reaping 99% of the benefits of marriage, with an able-bodied male around to do things like bring in a paycheck, fix leaky faucets, and move heavy objects. That whole built-in babysitter thing is a huge plus for those of us who are mateless, you know. If I had a few sister wives hanging around the place, I’d feel way less guilty about going out on a date once in a while. (“Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not dating right now. I’m still looking for some additional wives to help me out.”)

The benefits for the husband are obvious, too. The beleaguered man who spends a day in the rat race, only to arrive home to no dinner, a frazzled wife, and wild children? He would be no more at the sister wife commune. Heck, I could have dinner on the table every single night if I had four other women there with me every day. No problem. And with five moms to tag-team even the most disobedient children? There wouldn’t be any Mommy Meltdowns. You could just hand off to the next in line while you went outside and ate some chocolate and counted to ten. Naturally the entire house would be in order by the time the husband arrived home. Everyone benefits!

I am full of good ideas, I tell you. Especially when I am dreading going back to work.