Commune House Rules

By Mir
July 29, 2004
Category Friends

I knew the wisdom of this idea would resonate with the thinking women out there (and with Genuine, who not only skipped over the bit about polyamory not being a requirement, but also forgot that I am also still on double-secret 6-week probation!).

Now all that remains is to figure out some of the particulars. To this end, I had a long and serious discussion on the phone with my friend Marcey this morning. She is also a single mom, and we have long toyed with the idea of merging our households, except for the part where it ends up being less like “Kate and Ally” and more like “Thelma and Louise” (cliff-diving optional, but not out of the question). We came up with some salient points I want to share, since everyone seems so interested.

1) There must be at least four wives. What two women get along 100% of the time? No one, that’s who. Only two, you still have some lonely times. Three wives, and two are talking smack about the third behind her back when she does something dumb. Once you reach four, everyone has a decent shot at having at least one confidante at any given time.

2) The husband is completely optional. As was pointed out in both the comments and by Marcey, with enough career wives, you have the money to pay for whatever man-related services (gutterbrained or not) you might need.

3) Women with undisciplined brats need not apply. Is there anything more aggravating than a mother who looks at her child whomping on another child and coos, “Oh Junior, play nice,” and then goes back to painting her nails? You must believe in firm discipline for your children. You must be perfectly okay with other women disciplining your child if you don’t catch an infraction immediately. And you must be willing to do the same for the other kids, too. It takes a village to keep a child from becoming a spoiled selfish brat.

4) Menopause Wife is not one of the positions. Marcey and I were arguing over this spot until we realized that, technically, that wasn’t going to be a position. Unless there are so many wives that it is decided by concensus that someone is needed to have hot flashes for the entertainment of the younger wives. But by the same token…

5) Some of the wives need to still be fertile (read: of sound mind) and not have killer PMS. It’s a known fact that women who live together tend to–after a while–cycle together. If everyone has bad PMS, there are going to be some very unhappy times at the commune. So those of you out there who say things like “I’ve never understood the big deal about PMS”? I hate you, and will talk smack behind your back, but come on over, because someone has to keep things running when everyone else is bawling into their ice cream and I’ve run out of hormone patches and am swinging from the chandelier.

6) Kira and I get the first turns with either the husband or the stud we hire. Just because. I’ll even let Kira go first.

7) Laundry Wife gets to scold the children for stained clothing left in bizarre places. (That one doesn’t even need further explanation, does it?)

8) Cooking Wife is not allowed to utter the words Atkins, low-carb or wheatgrass. Tofu will be voted upon, and organic is fine. (Likewise.)

9) I totally get to be the Shoe Shopping Wife. But if there’s enough interest, maybe we can periodically rotate positions. Or not. Because it was my idea, dammit.

10) No Mormons allowed. Okay, I know that’s discriminatory. But they’d probably suck all the fun right out of it. And who wants to live in Utah, anyway? Just remember, this isn’t about serving men; this is about making our lives easier.

11) There must be babies. Part of the misery of being a single mom is the scarcity of delicious fuzzy infant heads to smell, and the knowledge that that part of your life is probably over. While I realize that most women with babies have husbands they actually like, this is about the good of the commune. We need some babies to keep the place happy. So come on over.

I think that about covers it, for now. Leave me suggestions for additional rules, or feel free to apply to join. Especially if you make lots of money.

I think we’re going to need a really big house.


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