In order to keep this list relatively short, I've chosen to forego things like "black lipstick" and "legwarmers." I mean, yes, there are billions of things I don't get in this world. Today was one of those days where I found myself overwhelmed by a plethora of situations that left me blinking rapidly, as if I could somehow right the wrongs of the world by force of eyelashes alone. I do have good eyelashes, but alas. I was no match for the world, today. Insulting or helpful? A friend called me today because her car died and her AAA card was at home and she couldn't reach her husband. Her...
There's been a little of this and a little of that this weekend, and I apologize for not being around last night, but I was busy watching Mean Girls with a friend. After which we sat around and trash-talked the women we know who remind us of the characters in the movie. Thus providing both cinematic and empirical evidence that women are just bitches. (Bitches with popcorn, in our case.) Anyway, despite the fact that I'm back to a good 3" of water in the basement, I'm in a pretty okay mood. Well, there are moments of good mood. Significant moments of mood that is much more "well, okay!" than...
This morning, the pump broke. Or, to be specific: It made lots of noise, but it simply refused to suck. I futzed and fuddled with it and took the hoses off and put the hoses back on and consulted my ex. ("It took me a while to get it going, before," he assured me. "You may need to just put your finger in the holes a bunch." I pondered this and responded, "This is your professional advice? 'PUT YOUR FINGERS IN THE HOLES A BUNCH?' Is that what the directions recommend?") I could get it to suck water directly into the intake hole as long as I didn't attach the hose. ("It says in the...
It came to me in a giant epiphany today that my (recurrent) neck injury is really just a metaphor for my (afflicted) mental state. The neck, you see, is necessary to tote the head around with the rest of the body. And the head, sometimes it just seems a bit much for the fragile neck. And my neck hurts. It seems to me that this only happens when my head is overfull of all of the sorts of things that make me wonder if THIS time, perhaps, FINALLY I've reached the point of no return where people whisper quietly behind my back because you know, quirky is one thing, but at a certain point it...
My children love a good joke. And while I am delighted that we've (finally) moved past the knock-knock stage, it's hard to know at any given time what sort of jokes they'll like, or even get. Our ongoing quest at the moment is to get Monkey to understand the string joke. A string walks into a bar and says, "Bartender! Gimme a drink!" The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here! Get out!" So the string leaves and goes outside. He twists himself up and makes his hair all messy. Then he goes back inside and says, "Bartender! Gimme a drink!" The bartender says, "You were just in here, and I...
[But first! A non-sequitor! I am SO ENJOYING all of the angry comments/emails I continue to receive about this post, where I thought I was making fun of a commercial but APPARENTLY I was REALLY saying that I thought cancer was funny. Because that's the sort of person I am. The sort of person who thinks cancer is a laughing matter. That's me! Anyway, I've been so successful with that, I thought it was time to expand my campaign. So, I ask you: Have you seen the commercial for Coppertone Sport Spray? The perky, happy people in the commercial assure me that it's the very best sunscreen EVER for...
It rained a little, today. Only for about... 6 hours of our drive. The kids were fantastic. We only listened to two books' worth of audio, and the rest of the time they played Gameboys, read, colored, snacked, and asked me how much further. Monkey commented no less than 10 times, "I don't really like the DRIVING part of the trip, I just like SEEING Grandma and Grandpa." I would nod and he would add, for emphasis, "At the END." Right. What are you trying to say, son? At last we pulled up and as I gathered some of our things together, I told the kids to go ring the bell. Chickadee beat Monkey...
Wow, what a lot of good suggestions for my bit of "play" money in the previous post! I can tell that my readers are of an impeccable breed who really just want to help others. Help others get facials, massages, and pretty shoes, that is. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I had to chuckle over all of the iTunes suggestions. I don't own an iPod. That was actually one of the things I was considering, although I worried about where I could set it down in my horse-drawn buggy. Anyway, it's sort of a moot point, now. [Here you must picture me sighing heavily, tossing a meaning-laden and...
It is amazing what twelve hours of continuous sleep followed by a bowl of off-brand Froot Loops will do for your outlook. I'm still sick, but now when I cough up chunks of stuff I sort of feel like maybe I am just clearing out the remnants of whatever virus this is, rather than puzzling over each bit of production and wondering if I would recognize actual lung tissue if I saw it. I... hope you weren't eating, when you read that. Sorry. Anyway, I was so busy being sick this week, I forgot to tell you all about my trip to the salon before the illness swallowed me whole. Here is the thing about...
