Just for the record? STILL RAINING

By Mir
June 10, 2006

There’s been a little of this and a little of that this weekend, and I apologize for not being around last night, but I was busy watching Mean Girls with a friend. After which we sat around and trash-talked the women we know who remind us of the characters in the movie. Thus providing both cinematic and empirical evidence that women are just bitches.

(Bitches with popcorn, in our case.)

Anyway, despite the fact that I’m back to a good 3″ of water in the basement, I’m in a pretty okay mood. Well, there are moments of good mood. Significant moments of mood that is much more “well, okay!” than “I wonder if any of my kitchen knives are sharp enough to cut flesh.” Yes! Progress!

* * * * *

Today’s handy tip: If a FEMA inspector has to come to your house? Definitely lick him. Dude was here on Wednesday, and FRIDAY I had money in my bank account. I shall have a new moss-covered three-handled family credenza in no time. Or at least I’ll be able to pay for the dumpster and everything. Whatever. And has the government EVER acted so quickly before? I don’t think so.

I’ll be having my tongue insured next week.

* * * * *

While performing the ritual goodnight kisses routine with Chickadee tonight, she squeaked out, “Your earring is in my eye!” I moved and pointed out that I wasn’t, in fact, wearing earrings at the moment.

“I love you with my earlobe in your eye!” I proclaimed.

Her prompt rejoinder? “I love you with my finger in your nose!”

Ewwwwwww. Also: Ouch.

* * * * *

So I sold my plasma and several of my major organs, and now I have actual, purchased airplane tickets to BlogHer! Through careful strategic planning (consisting largely of Instant Messenger conversations about how bad could WALKING 3,000 miles BE, truly?), I will be doing the bulk of my travelling with the lovely Chris. We both opted for the finest service available, if by “finest service” you mean “lowest prices;” and so will be making our pilgrimage to the great state of California on an airline which shall remain nameless, but has first-come, first-served seating.

That’s right. No seat assignments. Also, there are holes in the floor for all the passengers to stick their legs through and RUN to get a good start for the plane to take off.

In discussing this, it was determined that I am to save Chris a seat. Which is fine. But I was just so confused.

Me: So, what, people just run onto the plane and sit wherever?
Chris: I think so, yes.
Me: So I will stop people from sitting next to me… how? Just by not showering that morning or what?
Chris: I recommend sitting down and burying your head in a barf bag. That should do it.

That Chris. Always thinking!

* * * * *

Do you remember that I mentioned the Shangri-La Diet? It’s VOODOO. Black magic of the highest order. How do I know this? I’ve lost two pounds already. And I’m eating less, without trying. I don’t know how it works. I don’t CARE how it works. But it works.

* * * * *

I watched Brokeback Mountain today, finally. I liked it better than I thought I would. I mean, I expected to like it. But I found it really moving. Except for that first encounter where Ennis just spit in his hand. I found that gross and unrealistic. I mean, OKAY, I guess cowboys aren’t packing Astroglide in their mess kits, but I’m sure they could’ve found (and would’ve required) something a little hardier than spit… I dunno… surely they had some butter… or some tallow….

(Sign number #482 that it’s been too long since you had sex: You sit around trying to figure out how to make sex scenes between gay cowboys more realistic.)

* * * * *

While I’m afraid I’ve sworn off going on actual DATES with crazy people just to entertain you all, I do still enjoy surfing the personals. And hitting myself in the head with heavy things. So tonight I offered up some guy’s profile for Joss‘ review, and she helped me figure out everything that was wrong with it. In fact, she was so thorough, I cried uncle.

Me: Okay, forget it. I’m closing this window. And going back to resigning myself to being alone.
Joss: No, I want to look now. I am going to find you someone!
Me: Oh NO. Stop it. Just stop it.
Joss: Zip code?
Me: Fine. Take a look at what I’m dealing with. *zip code removed because have you heard, there are crazy people out there on them internets and stuff*
Joss: Okay, looking.
Me: Right.
Joss: He has a MULLET!
Me: Uh huh.
Joss: You cannot have him. He is MINE MINE MINE ALL MINE.
Me: Darn.
Joss: This one’s headline should be “I like to kill people. And sometimes I eat them.”
Me: Okay, I’m all done now.

* * * * *

I’ve been working on something, and it’s almost time to tell you about it. I feel a little bit like a kid on Christmas Eve. (Except for the whole water in the basement thing. That’s never really figured into it for me, before, but things change as you get older, I hear.) Anyway. I cannot resist offering that small teaser, because I’m evil that way.


  1. jonniker

    Oh lord. The unnamed airline. OH GOD. And I’m not sure where in MA you are (I’m from there originally, now stranded in Florida, but plotting moving back ASAP), but I’m scared for you that it is also going to be originating at an Unpleasant Airport.

    But also, jealous as I want to go to BlogHer. But again: Florida. Bastards. Stupid no direct flights to California. Stupid distance to family and Boston and so stupid time off must be used to travel to visit them. Bah.

  2. peek

    Money already? Well, maybe they learned something from Katrina. You didn’t tell them you had been involved in a hurricane, did you? Hmmm, and now you have plane tickets. Must be a timing coincidence. Oh, and what a little tease you are. I don’t presume you offered up that little tidbit in your Gleeharmony post, did you? Might have gotten more hits. Can’t wait to hear the news.

  3. Amy-Go

    Yay FEMA!

    Don’t be afraid of airlines without assigned seating. It’s no big deal. Just be sure to get there early and get in line at the gate as soon as you get there.

    We’re helping you preview personals, now? Send me some! Weeding out the freaks sounds like a good time, as long as I’m not the one dating them. ;)

  4. Sandee

    A book, maybe?

  5. foodmomiac

    HA on the tallow.
    Perhaps if you put that in your eharmony profile you’d get more matches??

  6. chris

    See I should have called dibs on blogging this ;-)

    I trust that you will find a way to keep people away from my seat until I board.

  7. Carol

    Um, I’m married (okay, granted he’s DEPLOYED right now so no, I’m not having sex either but when I watched this movie, he was home) but when *I* watched Brokeback Mountain I had similiar thoughts. Mainly they included things like, “Wow, that’s it?”, and “Ouch!” I mean, there wasn’t even any foreplay!

    Guys with mullets are uh….hawt.

  8. Cele

    Oh, I so want to see that movie… and I will, I am just extremely slow.

    So Joss is screening the personals for you. I can only imagine the conversations between her and Mr. Husband at this point of morning coffee.

  9. Jules

    OWL BUTTER! I’m sure cowboys had access to lots and lots of owl butter :D

  10. Irony Queen

    I spent my Saturday evening at my 10-year class reunion, and guess what? Women are bitches! This includes the ones complaining about how the snobby girls in high school are still bitches. Shocking, I know!

  11. Mom Nancy

    Do they possibly offer boarding passes, but no seat assignments? At least then it’s smaller groups of people rushing the gate, right?

    Tallow. ROFL!

  12. Brian

    If the airline that remains nameless is named after a region of the country that also just happens to be the same region of the country where the conference is, here’s the trick: You can get online and print your boarding passes up to 24 hours before the departure time. You’ll want to do this because they board in groups and you want to be in the first group. Then, you do want to arrive fairly early. I would say at least an hour. Then, if you can handle it, you will want to go ahead and get in line rather than just sitting in the seats. They do preboarding for certain people who have a hard time boarding by themselves, but if you follow these tips, you should have a good pick of seats. You also shouldn’t have a hard time saving a seat unless the flight is really full. One other tip, if you have stopovers but get to stay on the plane during the stop, you can move to a better seat once people exit the plane. Sorry for the long comment, but I hope this is helpful.

  13. Velma

    My 6-year old just asked me what was so funny and came running over to scan the laptop scren.

    Thank God she can’t read that well yet! “Mommy, what’s ‘tallow’? What’s ‘owl butter’?”

  14. tori

    Really??? You won’t actually date crazy people to amuse us??? The nerve!
    Congrat’s on the FEMA money! And also on the weight loss, although I don’t think you need to lose any from the picture you posted before! But if it makes you happy, congratulations!

  15. Carmen

    FYI!I got your blog off Bella’s blog. I know oh too many chicks that fall in to that “mean girls” catagory. I think everyone has passed a person like them in there lives. If they haven’t then they probably a “mean girl” thenselves. You have a great blog by the way.

  16. susan

    Definitely pay attention to Brian. If it is airline from the south and from the west just make sure you go online 24 hours before your flight and get the 1st level boarding pass. Then life is easy. And make your air buddy do the same. There are boarding nazis who insist on no seat saving so it is best to board together.

  17. Ashley

    Rather wet here in Maine, too. We just ended a 5 day bout and I swear I have mold growing behind my ears. I still have the furnace turned on!!! So sad. FEMA was down the road a bit in York, which got hit hard.

    A mullet…ha, ha! Was he hugging his ATV in his pic? I love that we both wrote about our weird on-line dating adventures on the same day!

  18. Gillian

    I am not here because I don’t want to be the one to say that there are warnings out about said diet. The nay sayers are crying that it dramatically increases your triglycerides ect ect and is baaaaaadddd. I don’t know who is right and I can’t even lay my hand on an axe to grind, but evidently you should have your blood checked for problems with this diet.

    Now I am invisible and did not try to rain on your parade.

  19. Susan

    If it makes you feel better, yesterday we flew an airline that DOES reserve seats–the problem was that they didn’t seem to have enough PLANES. Which is really, um, bad when you’re planning to FLY somewhere.

    Waiting for tomorrow and the Big Reveal.

  20. bob

    saddlesoap, maybe? udder balm? hoof oil? sheep dip? maybe spit don’t sound too bad right now?????

  21. diane

    Thank you for posting about the Shangri La diet!! I’m trying it & so far so good. I haven’t lost any weight per se, but I definitely have noticed myself eating less.
    I can’t imagine how this could be dangerous when you compare the little tablespoon of oil or sugar to what we would normally eat in the course of a day. Anyway, I’ve done some internet research and while there are skeptics, I’ve yet to find anything arguing that it is dangerous. Regardless, it’s way better than that Atkins crap.

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