Things I don’t get

By Mir
July 1, 2006

In order to keep this list relatively short, I’ve chosen to forego things like “black lipstick” and “legwarmers.” I mean, yes, there are billions of things I don’t get in this world.

Today was one of those days where I found myself overwhelmed by a plethora of situations that left me blinking rapidly, as if I could somehow right the wrongs of the world by force of eyelashes alone.

I do have good eyelashes, but alas. I was no match for the world, today.

Insulting or helpful? A friend called me today because her car died and her AAA card was at home and she couldn’t reach her husband. Her thought was that I could come get her, bring her home, she could get her card, call AAA, and then we’d drive back to her car. After a quick rundown of what had happened, I told her I’d be right over and we’d try jumping the battery.

She was stranded just off of a busy intersection, where not a single car had stopped to offer help, despite the fact that she was hanging out next to her popped-hood, dead car. I pulled in next to her and grabbed my jumper cables. We chatted while I hooked them up, and just before she went to turn the key, a pickup truck containing a couple of rednecks pulled off to ask if we “ladies” needed any help.

Now. I want to believe their intentions were good. I want to believe they had genuine concern for our well-being. What I ACTUALLY believe is that
1) They didn’t see the three children we had between us, who were happily playing in the back of my car,
2) They saw a woman wrangling jumper cables and assumed I was about to blow up both vehicles,
3) They were hoping to get lucky.

I understand that jumping didn’t work because her alternator was dead; I don’t understand why the only people who stopped did so after help had already arrived.

Justified or freaky and annoying? Well, we’ve finally hit the wall that just may turn me back into a Mac user. Microsoft has detected a fraudulent copy of Windows on my laptop! They want to let me know they know! They tell me all the time! This copy of Windows is not GENUINE!

[Once upon a time I had an extremely crappy job where I was required to use my own laptop, but needed to access software that had some very specific requirements about how everything needed to be configured. I handed my beloved laptop over to the IT guy and when I got it back, instead of XP Home I had XP Pro. When I asked the IT guy about it, he waved his hands and said “We never had this conversation!” Ooooookay.]

Now Microsoft seems to know where I live and also that I just wanted to drink my iced green tea and get some work done this morning, but TOO BAD, because Microsoft wants me to know that THEY ARE ON TO ME. They also would like a lot of money. But, you know, I would also like a lot of money, and I am not popping up little boxes at THEM every 5 minutes, plus I really think I am the victim (of operating system hijacking, both by the sleazy IT guy and now Microsoft) here, so I dunno. Don’t get it.

Note to self: Post this on Want Not. WHY is it cheaper to get a flight plus a hotel than a flight alone? Who is in charge of this pricing scheme, and can they please come balance my checkbook?

Friendly or pedophile? At the supermarket today, the elderly gentleman bagger greeted me and then said “Would you like your milk in a bag, young lady?” I was perhaps more charmed than was strictly necessary, and it meant that when he started talking to Chickadee I wasn’t too worried. But then this happened:

Bagger: And what’s your name?
Chickadee: Chickie.
Bagger: Chickie! That’s a great name! Well come on over here, Chickie, I want to show you something!
*Here my Mama Alert went off just a tad. But we were in the middle of the supermarket. The chances of him dropping trou seemed negligible.*
Bagger: *pointing to the small, circular sponge at the end of the bagging area* Do you see this here? Do you know what it is?
Chickadee: Ummm… it’s a sponge?
Bagger: Right! You’re RIGHT! It’s a SPONGE!
*Now I’m wondering how long it takes to bag up a few groceries and really getting the heebie jeebies.*
Chickadee: Ooooookay….
Bagger: But do you know WHO GAVE ME that sponge?
Chickadee: Noooo…. *by this time, she’s stepping back just a bit, moving closer to me*
Bagger: That sponge was given to me by SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! He’s a SPONGE!
*both of my children blink at the crazy man*
Bagger: He lives in a PINEAPPLE under the SEA!
Me: Wow, that’s GREAT, thanks SO MUCH, c’mon kids! Let’s go!

Maybe it’s the air… or the bugs. Why do my children eat more (both in volume and in variety) when we cook and eat outside? I need to test this theory, perhaps by grilling up some cardboard for them. Or surreptitiously cooking burgers inside, then bringing them out when they’re not looking. I mean, it’s not that I’m not a master griller (I am!), but my grilling skills shouldn’t have any bearing on how much SALAD they eat. Should it?

Life, it is confusing.


  1. Heather Cook


    Freaky and Annoying.

    Probably a little of both.

    Hey, hope your kids are eating enough for me too… I am so hot and sweaty that I only really want to eat ICE. Preferably if it is shaped like a margarita…

  2. Cele

    Well lets just go down the list….

    1) they only stopped because they recognized you from your bio at Geefartonme dot com. Remember just say no to crack.

    2)I love my XP, but I have a computer at work with the exact same problem. The XP came installed. It’s a covert operation being run by Osama hackers.

    3) People balance their check books? Come on get real.

    4) Dudette, that man is seriously twisted. Just ask Chickie.
    He didn’t like sing in the store did he?

    5) BBQ’d cardboard, now what will homeless people do?

    Seriously Dudette, all food taste better and has fewer fat grams when BBQ’d. It’s the American Way 8)

  3. Melissa

    Odd. Just very odd. My mom radar would have went off too.

  4. Amy

    Hey Mir. My hubbie is an IT professional, and he said you should call the Microsoft Antipiracy number (800-785-3448) or and tell them exactly what happened. You shouldn’t be on the hook because the IT guy upgraded you to Pro, and IT guys know not to do this. Your machine may need to be rebuilt, because it may not be possible to simply downgrade to the home version. Sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but you aren’t going to be able to update or to add any security upgrades to your computer. The IT guy didn’t do you any favors.

    In other news, you are pretty and your children are above average. :)

  5. cristin in NJ

    good instincts chickie-baby

    I shuddered for ya

  6. Contrary

    Aww, I bet the old guy was just trying to be nice. Yeah, he’s a little strange and not really hipped on how to relate to kids, but I don’t think he’s a bad guy.

    Let’s face it, in order to be successful at all, pedophiles have to make sure they *don’t* freak a kid out.

    And now, I’ve thought too much about this and my kids are never leaving the house again.

  7. Dawn

    Yeah, just awkward old guy. I hope. I’d still heard my kids away from him, just to be safe. Chickie obviously has good instincts of her own.

    As for the “help” Rednecks are congenitally… well many things, probably, but definitely congenitally unable to recognize that we females have a handy, dandy little thing called a BRAIN and it allows us to do simple things like learn to jumpstart a car.

    My alternator died this week as well. Perhaps it ran off with your friend’s.

    I agree with Amy. Very pretty and definitely above average.

  8. Daisy

    Well, you see, if the rednecks came by when she was alone with her car, and they failed to re-start it, they would look dumb. Now if they stop when you’re already helping, then they look all generous and sweet for “trying” to help out. It’s all image. They may be “smarter” than they look.

  9. InterstellarLass

    They were rednecks. What else did you expect?

    Annoying as hell.

    It’s a conspiracy.

    Creepy old man.

    I think fresh air has been proven to increase anyone’s appetite. I like eating outside.

  10. Patricia

    I may not be able to answer much, but I can explain the flight/hotel combo less than flight alone issue. Several years ago the airlines stopped paying commissions to travel agents, the good news was that the booking public was getting smarter and it was easier to book air tickets yourself. This has only increased with the internet. Now, hotels still do pay commissions — but only on multi-night stays in most cases. SO, what happens is that if a travel agent (or internet company where frankly this is most common) can book air, hotel (and maybe even car) then they wll shave a bit of the commission off and give it back to you as “encouragement.” The key is that it locks you into to the whole trip. It is better money for us agents to sell you three things for one trip than one thing. You might now ask why we don’t give you something back for just booking the hotel — well, don’t go asking for the moon now please.
    Hence we return to our earlier conversation — Traveling? Call your travel agent.

  11. peek317537

    Yep, I’m voting for rednecks hoping to get lucky. Afterall, you probably have all your own teeth. The old guy was probably just trying to be cool, knowing Sponge Bob personally and all. We’ll just say you had a very “interesting” day.

  12. Mary Tsao

    Baggers are odd people. I’ve noticed this myself.

    I would like to write some more witty things, but I’m hot and thirsty and the previous poster who mentioned ice-shaped margaritas is really on to something.

  13. Marti

    1) Rednecks ALWAYS think they’re gonna get lucky.

    2) Creepy old men who know about SpongeBob are either:
    a)Lonely Grandfathers
    c)Freaky Lonely Grandfathers
    All of the above should be avoided unless you have personal knowledge that they are not freaky.

    3) This may work (I’m only partly geekess) Try right clicking on the very bottom toolbar. Get the menu and go to “Task manager”. Go to the “Applications” tab. It will show you everything that is running on your computer. Click on something that looks like the damnable Microsoft warning, then click on “end task”. That should turn it off.

  14. Holley

    I’m gonna stick my neck out here and mention that, in my personal experience interacting with actual rednecks, what they are is old-fashioned. It is entirely possible that they stopped to help your friend because they were trying to be gentlemen.

    Please note that no metrosexual doctoral candidates stopped at all.

  15. Susan

    You know what you REALLY need to do about the computer?

    Get yourself an iBook.

    That’ll fix the problem.

  16. Fay

    Or, the rednecks really wanted to help, because sometimes Rednecks = Southern or maybe “old fashioned” = Friendly, and that’s when they happened to drive by, not 20 minutes before.

    Or it could have just been ‘males’ = horny = hoping.

    oops just read Holly’s – guess we said the same thing.

    Like Susan said, buy an iBook, now MacBook with Intel inside!

  17. Kailani

    It’s so sad that these days we have to be overly cautious about stangers talking to kids. I want to teach my daughter to be friendly to everyone yet I know that’s not a good idea.

    As for those guys, do they really think they could get some “action” by picking up distressed women on the side of the road? I wonder how often tha works for them?

  18. shannon

    everything cooked outside is infinately better than things cooked inside. the only exception to this rule, any baked goods (like cookies, brownies, pies and cakes to list a few).

    bagger guys are often off their rockers a bit.

    the “helpful” red necked guys, well…i won’t even go there.

  19. JGS

    I think it is great you have a found a situation where your children eat a lot. I am still searching for that because it is not inside. It is not outside. It is not at a restaurant. It is not at a friends’ house. It is not at family’s house. It is not here or there. It is not anywhere. They do not like green eggs and ham (or anything else for that matter). They do not like it, Sam-I-am (or should I say, Mir-You-Are).

  20. Melissa

    I’m a redneck, my family are rednecks, My husband is a redneck. I will say, you never know if they were hoping for something or not. But I do believe they were trying to help out. I’m a big fat momma & not so “pretty” & when in trouble, I have had strangers that were rednecks, stop & ask to help me. My family that are rednecks, including my husband, will stop & ask someone if they need help. In fact, women have approach my husband in parking lots, for help. He looks safe. We rednecks may appear to be stoopid & ingorent, but we can be much smarter then we look & more helpful then say a doctor or lawyer. But if you are not use to us, I can see how we seem scary.:D

    I would be leery of the bagger guy too, but I’m sure he was just trying to be friendly… in his strange way. You should have asked him if he fell out of Sandy’s tree.:D

    You are pretty for all the work you do with the boobies!

    You’re blog is great & you are pretty for writing it.

  21. Average Jane

    Hey, I’m about to switch back to Mac from PC for exactly the same reason. That stupid notification window is getting on my last nerver.

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