It came to me in a giant epiphany today that my (recurrent) neck injury is really just a metaphor for my (afflicted) mental state. The neck, you see, is necessary to tote the head around with the rest of the body. And the head, sometimes it just seems a bit much for the fragile neck. And my neck hurts.
It seems to me that this only happens when my head is overfull of all of the sorts of things that make me wonder if THIS time, perhaps, FINALLY I’ve reached the point of no return where people whisper quietly behind my back because you know, quirky is one thing, but at a certain point it probably does become genuine mental illness. Well, that and being in a car accident. Ha. Haha. Why aren’t you laughing?
Don’t worry, I’m laughing enough for all of us.
In fact, allow me to offer some fine examples of things that made me laugh today!
Example the first:
(While talking to my father.)
Me: So, I want to see if they can give me a muscle relaxer that won’t make me so mental.
Him: *chuckles for rather too long*
Him: EVERYTHING makes you mental.
Me: True. Hey!!
Isn’t it a beautiful thing, the touching love between a father and daughter?
Example the second:
(While talking to a friend about her dog.)
Her: So it turns out she’s in HEAT.
Me: Really? Isn’t she still a puppy?
Her: Well, the vet says she’s right on schedule.
Me: Oh. So can you get her fixed?
Her: In a couple of weeks.
Me: So has she been acting all weird?
Her: Yes! It’s the strangest thing, she runs around like crazy and then she just collapses for like, an entire day. Then she starts all over again.
Me: Poor thing… she has PMS!
Her: I think she does!
Her husband, who is eavesdropping: She’s being really bitchy.
Me: Bitchy! The dog! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Probably not all that funny. But supremely hilarious to me, for some reason.
Example the third:
(While reading bedtime stories.)
Chickadee: Your feet are FILTHY, Mama!
Me: Yep, the bottoms are dirty.
Monkey: Did you go down in the basement with no shoes?
Me: No, I wear shoes down there. The rest of our floors are pretty dirty from all the people going in and out, and I didn’t want to clean them before they were done in the basement. But I’ll mop them now that that’s done.
Chickadee: I bet you wouldn’t let us scrub the floors on our hands and knees.
Me: Uhhh… what? I wouldn’t LET you?
Chickadee: Yeah, probably you want to mop. But I wish you’d let us scrub the floor.
Me: You want to scrub the floor?
Chickadee: Would you let us?
Me: *trying very, very hard to keep a straight face* Sure, if you want to.
Chickadee: On our hands and knees?
Thank you, remake of Annie on DVD. My daughter wants to be a slave orphan.
See! Look! So many things that make me laugh! HAHA! I’m just FINE!
And now some things that did not make me laugh today, just for balance, you understand.
Example the first:
The basement-spraying guys never showed up this morning. When I called at 1:00 I got a weak apology and a promise to send a team over “right away.” Then my phone rang at 2:15.
Him: Hello, Mir?
Him: This is Head Doofus from Doofus Cleaning. Is my crew over there?
Him: Huh. I can’t seem to figure out where they are.
Me: I’m sorry… you LOST your CREW?
Him: Oh, heh, no, of course not. I just can’t seem to get them on the phone and I thought they were there and they don’t seem to be.
Me: Yeah. Um. I need to get my kids from school in a little bit. Maybe they should come tomorrow, instead?
Him: Well they should be there NOW.
Me: Actually, they should’ve been here THIS MORNING.
They showed up half an hour later, two VERY young men who may well have been teenagers. They spent 10 minutes spraying the basement (cautioning me to stay upstairs because the fumes are bad, but when I asked “Why aren’t you wearing masks?” one said, “Oh, yeah, we should, but I forgot them”) and then asked me for a check for the previously-agreed-upon amount. Which I gave them. Even though they neglected to do 2 of the 3 things Head Doofus told me they would do. Now I have to call Head Doofus back to argue for a refund.
Example the second:
Hey, have you talked to that second insurance adjustor, the one who was supposed to call YESTERDAY? No? Neither have I.
Example the third:
The dumpster is here! With all its hulking orange trashy goodness! I wasn’t home when it was delivered, because I foolishly stayed home all day until school pick-up and THEN did my errands with kids in tow, but now I have a dumpster AND several ripped-up chunks of driveway! Good times!
Example the fourth:
I went into the basement to empty the dehumidifiers and while I was doing that water dripped on me. Water. Dripped. ON. ME. Slowly I turned and gazed upward, knowing with absolute certainty that if I had a leaky pipe after all of this I would flat-out lose my mind, and the kids would find me curled up in a corner of the basement, rocking back and forth and ripping out my hair by the handsful.
I located the source and parked a bucket underneath it. I felt around on the matrix of pipes. I couldn’t find a wet joint. Yet the water dripped. I said a brief prayer to the gods in charge of condensation and went back upstairs. Later, the bucket contained only the original few drops. Condensation wins, and I get to stay sane for the time being. But it took several years off of my life.
Anyway. I will be attempting to empty out my head so as to relieve the pressure on my neck (it’s a nice big dumpster, so maybe I can empty it into there) over the next couple of days. If that doesn’t work, there’s ladder rungs on the side of the dumpster, you know. I could probably just climb in there before they take it back. At least that way I wouldn’t have to fix the driveway.