In which I am not writing

I am having one of those transitional periods right now where I’m just on the cusp of Something Big, maybe, except maybe not. I mean, probably I am. But I’m not ready to talk about it and yet, it’s all that’s on my mind. ALL that’s on my mind. Constantly. But we cannot talk about it, because I am superstitious and are you TRYING TO WRECK IT for me? What is WRONG with you?

Look! Over there! Something SHINY!

Actually, all I have to show you is not at all shiny. It smells bad, too. I’m sorry.

So, um, Monkey’s last day of school, they had Field Day. Which included all manner of activities, some of which involved a lot of water. I had completely forgotten about that. In fact, so triumphant was I at the successful completion of the school year, I had allowed the children’s backpacks to linger on the mudroom floor and hadn’t even glanced in their general direction. At all.

For two weeks.

Yeah. Um, so, there was this plastic bag? In Monkey’s pack? It contained a bathing suit, a t-shirt, a penicillin farm, and a dead possum. The possum was invisible, but I SURE COULD SMELL IT.

A smart person would’ve sealed that bag right back up and thrown it away, or possibly given it a proper burial deep in the woods, but I am not a smart person. I am still in the process of utilizing all nine laundry detergents, pre-treaters, and stain removers I own. So far I can tell you that the possum carcass stench has been eliminated, but I may yet end up not being able to save the clothing. The black mildew that comes from forgetting about the wet bathing suit bag is stubborn stuff, it turns out.

As a pre-emptive strike, after that, I just threw Chickadee’s backpack away whole. No sense traumatizing myself twice. And she didn’t have a wet bathing suit in there… I mean, I don’t think she did… but why risk it? There was a smell coming from her bag that I just had no interest in investigating. I can only handle one environmental emergency per day.

So there was that.

Also I sat down with my walk partner to come up with some flyers for this fundraiser we’re doing as our last hurrah to get some money raised. (Lord. A fundraiser, to… raise money. If you people were paying money for this, you’d be throwing tomatoes right about now.) Anyway, we have to convince people to come eat at this restaurant on our designated night and bring our coupon thingies and then we get a cut of the profits. Which is great. And we could certainly make a nice flyer all about the Susan G. Komen foundation and all of that.

But this is us. Or, more accurately, ME. So the flyer starts out with a large headline that reads:

We’re walking. You should eat some pizza.

Truly, my wordsmith capabilities are staggering. Aren’t you hungrier, just reading that? I know you are. Want a flyer and a coupon? Come on down for the fireworks tomorrow night. We’ll be randomly assaulting spectators and screeching DO IT FOR THE BOOOOOOBIES while we hand them out.

And speaking of the boobies (there’s that talent, again), I’m pleased to report that mine are doing just fine. My FEET, on the other hand, haven’t been the same since the really wet training walk. Let’s just say that I am a summer pedicure kind of girl; not that I let someone ELSE do my feet, but I’m all about the sparkly toenails and the smooth skin and all. But with the training, now, I’ve moved directly into the realm of “Oh, it’s a large hunk of skin clinging tenuously to my toe. Huh. Maybe I should cut that off.” My feet are PEELING APART and the skin splits in odds location and if a small fanged alien burst from between the big toe and the one next to it, I wouldn’t be all that surprised. Every now and then I put some shea butter foot cream on the bad spots, but it’s a charade at this point.

“So Mir, what was the most difficult part? Raising over $5,000? The training leading up to the 60 miles? Or the 60 miles itself?”

“I think it was when that toe just popped off my foot around mile 17. And then during dinner the first day, my foot just split open down to the bone. I’m glad I had my duct tape.”

See, now the bit about the mildewy t-shirt doesn’t sound so bad, does it?


  1. Bob

    in which I am not replying. I am not on the cusp of anything big, nor am I taunting my non-readers with it. By the way, I am not writing this at work and I do not have anything to say.

    Maybe you should hit your local Hooters restaraunt. I would thing they would be VERY interested as they seem to be all about the boobies. Not that I would have any personal experience to go by. Not me. Remember, I am not commenting nor have I been here. I am not a figment of your imagination.

  2. Chris

    Ugh- My hubby left a wet bathing suit in one of our suitcases which I did not discover until the next vacation. *shudder*
    As for the feet, in all seriousness, don’t take duct tape, use super glue. I picked this little gem up from my dr. when I was planning a hiking trip through the rain forest. It seals everything up and is so, um, chemically, that it kills any bacteria. Completely weird, but a tried and true super band aid.

  3. Daily Tragedies

    You’re such a tease!

    Can’t wait to hear about whatever it is we’re not talking about.

  4. Aimee

    *I’m* not dying of curiosity. Nope, not me! As for the Super Glue trick, I have heard about that. However, I don’t think I could actually do it. It just seems WRONG. I’d stick with duct tape. Duct tape will fix anything.

  5. dorothy

    Good for you for the walk, even if it did cost you a digit.

    Please, God, woman, throw out the swimming suit.

  6. Cele

    I will explain to you how the super glue thing came along…and really I suggest nail glue. Why you ask? Because nail glue is super glue with an antifungal ingrediant. Super glue was first developed for surgery, what they found was, that while it sealed skin – exactly what they wanted, it didn’t stand up well to stress and wet at the same time. So it wasn’t good as a bonding element to take the place of stitches or staples. Today they have something better, but it all started with super glue.

    I learned this all in beauty college (okay now the ugly truth is out.)

    I would go with nail glue…the second thing I would do for myself immediately after your three day trek…get a pedicure. I mean a real go to the salon pedicure. Except for unmentionalble acts with the opposite sex, or a deep tissue Swedish massage, there is nothing that says I love hands on my body than a pedicure. :)

    Just sayin’…my what’s your favorite salon?

  7. Jenn2

    Lamisin. That was a life saver when I was running. Also, Kerasal makes very good products for the cracking.

    Yes, I ran once upon a time. Quit laughing.

  8. Karen

    At our Relay for Life two team members made large boobies out of foam and painted them in realistic colors. They each wore one in the middle of their chest and walked side by side. They were from the “breast bank in town.”

  9. laura

    I’m seconding the Hooters idea. Here’s what your flyer can say: “Eat wings and save some breasts”.

  10. onetallmomma

    Not curious, Not a bit.

    I can smell that smell. It is the same smell that permeated my kitchen after one of my children left the last lunch of the year, uneaten, in his lunch box and then stowed the lunch box on a kitchen shelf. It took me 2 days to figure out where the smell was coming from. Yup, I am down one lunch box.

    Yes, medical grade glue is the answer for your toes. You can buy it at your local drug store. It is great if a child gets a boo-boo on the face.

  11. Carol

    Nevermind your feet. You are pretty. I bought gods in Alabama yesterday and am nearly done with it today. I haven’t been this interested in a book since I accidentally stumbled upon Wifey by Judy Blume when I was 9. :D

    Wal-mart does charity fundraiser matching. You could have a yard sale in one of their parking lots and they’d probably match whatever you make. Of course, I don’t know how quickly they’d do it…might not be quick enough to meet the deadline but maybe if you do this next year that tidbit of information could come in handy?

  12. Gilllian

    I hope it is as big as Cinderalla’s Pumpkin coach! [Without the mice and such.] You don’t need to tell me, I am happy dancing anyway — but I am pretending it is a neurological condition so I won’t jinx it. Apropos to nothing. one of the reason I love my guy so much is that I sing lame nonsense songs in my head when I am very happy but, around him I can sing them right out loud. He calls them my ‘singy songs’. A lot of them are about him.

    I am proud of you! I would baby the little feet and thank them for not making loud screeching noises with every step. You went the extra mile.

  13. Mary Tsao

    Your poor toes!! You deserve a year of pedicures and several pairs of fine shoes after this walk.

    Oh. And in 4th grade I let milk ferment and rot in my locker until the school officials had to have a talk with me about the stench. You were right to throw out the backpack. Kids are dirty, dirty creatures.

  14. InterstellarLass

    My advice is to SKIP the pedicure until AFTER the 3-Day. Believe me, you want your callouses.

    If you have blisters already, use antibiotic ointment on them, and then, before your next training walk, apply Moleskin.

    I’ve used duct tape, and it works in a pinch, but when your feet sweat, it can come off the spot and then rub another blister. Superglue is good too during the event to fix any immediate problems, but I wouldn’t go around Supergluing my feet right now.

    Keep your feet dry. Before and after use a foot powder with talc to keep your feet dry. Wear wicking socks (not cotton!) during your training walks.

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