Why yes, it HAS been six months since my last mammogram ALREADY. Thank you so much for remembering. You know how I do so love spending the entire morning having my boobs squashed between plexiglass in the name of health. No, I've never had breast cancer. Nor do I plan to. But until my breasts stop being lumpy I seem to have drawn the scan/poke/prod card when it comes to mammary health. You're welcome. (Me so sexy!) Anyway, now that we're all picturing my LUMPY BOOBS (sorry, Dad) (sorry, Otto), I have to go run over to the hospital to have them smashed. FABULOUS. Since I'm short on time, I...
It is possible to be a Stanford-educated professional-type adult, to spend half the morning pondering---once again---how it's really time to figure out how to incorporate an exercise routine into your life, because you're too sedentary, after all, plus those pesky ten pounds don't seem to be losing themselves (go figure), and to simultaneously vow, as well, to start eating better, YOU REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME, because you're getting older and it's important, sheesh, woman, it's time to make your health a priority... ... and to then look up a sinful chocolate cake recipe online because you're...
How can you top bringing the Mythbusters home? Why, with a fruitless day of searching for a simple item, of course! Once upon a time, I had vision insurance. Vision Service Plan, or VSP for short. VSP and I were good friends. Oh, hell... VSP and I may have been more than friends. We snuggled on the couch and I whispered sweet nothings into his ear when he caused my glasses to cost me just $20 or so out of pocket. Oh, VSP! How I miss you! Needless to say, I no longer have VSP. Haven't for years, in fact. But thanks to the magic of having a second income in the house, now, I went for new...
... until somebody ruptures an eardrum! (What, your family doesn't have that rule?) Oh, I kid. No one has a ruptured eardrum. I just WISH I had a ruptured eardrum. So, um, remember that cold I had? My cold that was getting better? My cold that suddenly sensed I was over a thousand miles from home and decided to morph into FORM OF: EAR WEASEL and commence throbbing and itching and generally making me wish for death? Yeah, that cold. I hate that cold. Why yes, I DO believe that cold knows I'm away from home and also, you know, not generally a fan of the sensation of a creature trying to nibble...
Today I am busy bemoaning the fact that I am sick (it was just a little cold until I wrote about it yesterday, at which point the fickle hand of fate gave me a mighty FLICK towards it being something much stronger and yuckier), and this morning after I got the kids off to school I sat down to work. And after about ten minutes, our internet went out. I am tired and cranky and hopped up on Sudafed, so I did the only logical thing: I whined until Otto said he'd take care of it. He poked and prodded in our office, and then decided that it was indeed the cable company's fault, nothing we'd done...
A few years ago I was getting new glasses for Chickadee---whose ocular health I attend to with a smothering level of unwavering attention, owing to the pediatric ophthalmologist who saw her when she was a wee tot and assured me that it was good we were there, otherwise she MIGHT HAVE GONE BLIND in that one wonky eye of hers---and it occurred to me that MY glasses were sort of old. So I browsed around and found some frames I liked and when the optician asked if I had a current prescription I said---because my health is important, y'all---"Well, I can see okay out of these ones I'm wearing...
So, in the last post, there, someone left a comment that said something along the lines of "GEEZ, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TELL US WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR ULTRASOUND?" And I felt all warm and fuzzy, because I realized that you truly care. Or at least that I've reached my goal of being so completely inappropriate and shameless that now when I don't regularly update you on my boobs, you start to worry. (My breasteses; let me show you them.) I actually forgot to write about it because the whole thing was so anti-climactic, and also because I have been busy, you know, with things other than my...
I can't believe I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU about this. Heck, I almost forgot to tell Otto. It's called REPRESSION, people. It's a wonderful coping mechanism. I use it all the time. Like... ex-husband? What? I don't recall. (See how that works? It's awesome.) Anyway, some of you noticed that I told you all about my excellent adventure in the MRI machine a few weeks back but then didn't post a follow-up. This is not because I don't love you (because I do! I love you! each of you! and especially you, there, in the back!), but because I didn't have any information to share. Yes. You read that...
So, I don't know if I mentioned this before or not, but once upon a time I had this thing? With my boobs? And if I use a lot of question marks it will be incredibly annoying but seem less important? But the Cliff Notes version is that I had a lump removed from my left breast (not cancer), and while they were figuring all of that out, they discovered something else in my right breast (also not cancer) which they decided they wanted to track. My boobs, let me show you them. They are FASCINATING. (And by "show you them" I of course mean "talk about them ad nauseum.") Well, I went and saw a new...
