How can you top bringing the Mythbusters home? Why, with a fruitless day of searching for a simple item, of course!
Once upon a time, I had vision insurance. Vision Service Plan, or VSP for short. VSP and I were good friends. Oh, hell… VSP and I may have been more than friends. We snuggled on the couch and I whispered sweet nothings into his ear when he caused my glasses to cost me just $20 or so out of pocket. Oh, VSP! How I miss you!
Needless to say, I no longer have VSP. Haven’t for years, in fact. But thanks to the magic of having a second income in the house, now, I went for new glasses in December for the first time in years. It was very exciting! Because I’d forgotten what it’s like to be able to see!
Well, that’s already turned into a carnival of ridiculousness. I ordered two pairs of glasses—paying extra for the fancy, drilled-lens frameless ones—and while my computer glasses are just dandy (wearing them now, in fact), here’s what happened when I went in to pick up my regular glasses:
Me: Hi, I’m here to pick up my glasses?
Random Optician: Okay. Here.
Me: Thanks. Oh. Hrm. They seem sort of crooked.
RO: They’re fine.
Me: Really? Don’t you think they’re lower over on this side?
RO: No. Well, maybe a little. Fine. Give them here.
Me: Um, okay… ummm… they seem a little bent, here…? Shouldn’t this part be straight?
RO: No. That’s just how they are.
Me: I don’t remember them being this way when I tried them on before.
Me: I mean, I’m pretty sure they were straight.
Me: Okay, well, I’ll be leaving now. Please don’t eat my liver.
I took them home, and GUESS WHAT! Go on, guess! Not only were they crooked, but in the process of leveling them for me, the optician had not only bent them, but she’d completely removed the coating on part of the frame with her pliers. NICE!
You know, CALL ME CRAZY, but when I spend hundreds of dollars on a new pair of eyeglasses, I rather expect them to 1) be straight and 2) not be damaged.
I drove all the way back out to the eye place on Friday (I’d picked them up on a Thursday) and they were “closed for an emergency.” ARGH.
As it turns out, Chickadee needs a new pair of glasses now, too, so yesterday we went to the other optical shop of the same name (closer to home) to look for frames for her. We began browsing and a male optician approached us.
Him: Can I help you find something?
Me: Sure! We need a new pair of glasses for my daughter. And as you can see— *here I cup up her little chin in my hand and turn her face to him* —she has an extremely narrow little face, so we have a lot of trouble finding frames small enough for her. Could you help us find your smallest frames to look at?
Him: Certainly. I’ll be right back.
He left and came back with four adult-size frames that were too large for ME.
Apparently both optical shops have more in common than just the name. They also both employ MORONS.
After trying on every pair of glasses in the store (while Monkey whined that he was bored, and tired, and tired and bored), even Chickadee had to concede that we hadn’t found anything even close. She was disappointed. I told her not to worry, that we’d try another store, no problem.
But before we left, I stopped at the counter to ask a different optician if I could deal with my defective glasses through them, or if I needed to go back to the original shop. She assured me that they were jointly owned, so if there was a problem, I could have it handled there. In fact, she said, that very shop (the one we were standing in) does all of the ordering.
Me: Oh, great! Well, here’s the glasses I picked up last week. As you can see, they’re not only bent, the enamel has been scraped off here and here and here.
Me: And, uh, I don’t want to be paying for defective glasses.
Me: So can you order me some new ones? Just use these lenses in a different pair?
Her: Probably not.
Me: Why not??
Her: We don’t carry these.
Me: But I bought them from you. Well, from the other shop.
Her: Yes, well, we probably only got one pair. I doubt we can get another.
And then I died of frustration.
She’s supposed to call and let me know if they can replace them or not. If not, I get to pick new glasses all over again! Because it was SO MUCH FUN the first time!
After we left there, we went on a driving tour of every optical shop in town. Each one had just one or two pairs of glasses that even fit Chickadee, usually in a shape that was utterly wrong. The one pair of glasses which came even CLOSE was a Disney frame called Princess Sparkly Pretty Pants or somesuch and I object on general principle. Sheesh.
There was one pair of Vera Wang frames that came close (still a tad large), but I have a religious objection to my child having more expensive glasses than I do, particularly when one of us has been known to take a kickball to the face now and then (hint: NOT ME). And at the third store, the optician was kind enough to order a frame that he didn’t have in stock but which might work for her, so that we can take a look at it.
We went home empty-handed, both of us wearing our old glasses, with Chickadee whining that it’s not FAIR, she NEVER gets what she wants! I told her she could have my new, mangled glasses but that didn’t seem to appease her at all.
Damn ungrateful kids.