There will always be an element, for me, of "why in the world would you assume I have any idea?" even when I am being paid to dispense advice. The technical term for this is "Imposter Syndrome." The Mir term for this is "just being my normal neurotic self." Today at Alpha Mom I'm offering up some thoughts on knowing when to suspect autism spectrum disorders in your small child, now that I have the luxury vantage point of my kids being nearly grown. On the one hand, I'm not an expert, and I'll be the first to tell you I made (and continue to make) a lot of mistakes... but on the other, my...
So I told my children this morning that I was going to be writing an advice column for Alpha Mom as a "teen expert," fully expecting them to laugh and laugh, but instead they both just looked... puzzled. Like, it wasn't even FUNNY that I'm pretending to know what I'm doing, it's just SUPER PERPLEXING. [Is your ego getting out of hand? Try TEENAGERS! They'll knock you down a few pegs in no time!] Nevertheless, we're forging ahead (thanks, in part, to your positive support when I first asked if you'd read it), and the first one is up today. Woohoo! You can hop on over there to read about...
Whenever my children are being buttheads---and trust me when I tell you this happens plenty often---the default tension-defuser is for said child to declare, "YOU MADE A THING!" Translation: "I'm a butthead, but you made me, so clearly this is your fault." (Monkey also loves to follow it up with a gesture towards his sister and the addition of "You made TWO things!" Har har.) And it's true, I made two things which are apparently now full-fledged individuals whom I cannot control. TERRIFYING. I feel compelled to make LOTS of things. Some of them work out, some don't. Some are successful, some...
Remember the old saying about how a kid's parents get dumber and dumber until the kid is an adult and then---magically---the parents start getting smart again? We're going through that right now, and I always thought it meant that hahaha, the kids would think I was dumb when really I wasn't, BUT NO, I've come to believe that I am truly losing brain cells as they get older. My poor kids, and their dumb ol' mom who can barely function anymore. For a while there, Monkey was very fond of declaring, "It's okay, I'm a doctor!" in response to any sort of doubting of his ability. This morphed into,...
I went away for the weekend and it was GLORIOUS. Listen, I know I tend to exaggerate for effect, but this is simply the truth: I have not had several days free of responsibilities (read: children) in, um, a really REALLY REALLY LONG TIME, and so with the help of a few amazing girlfriends, I spent 48 hours doing every ridiculous cliched "GIRLS' NIGHT OUT" activity we could think of, far away from my delightful but needy family. We: Ate sushi, drank wine, went to a spa and wore ridiculous robes, window shopped, made chocolate, gabbed endlessly, took pictures of our food, consumed a metric ton...
It may not make sense to those of you with "normal" kids, but we always have to do a little celebration around here whenever we see "typical teen" behavior, given that whole asynchronous-development thing that tends to leave my special snowflakes lagging behind their peers in various ways. So anyway, I had a touch of food poisoning or something, and Otto went out and bought me some crystallized ginger because he's sweet, and then Monkey took it upon himself to enhance the label. I tried to get mad when I saw this, because COME ON, really? But on the other hand, it made me laugh, because WAY...
I know; I know---we've been woefully short on amusing anecdotes here, lately. I'm falling down on the job. It's pollen season, you see, and so my head is filled with cement and when I am not working or being a terrible, horrible burden on my children (UGH MOM WHY CAN'T I JUST LEAVE ALL MY CLOTHES ON THE FLOOR AND NEVER EAT OR SLEEP, YOU ARE THE WORST) I am doing exciting things like telling my husband that I have a million things to do, but I lack the motivation to get up off the couch. Anyway! While I set this awesome example of productivity for my offspring, I am also working on helping...
I actually started posting again, but a few people noticed that Monkey was nowhere to be found. Well, he rudely left us to spend some time with his father over the school break. (I kid! He is always very polite.) He was away for a bit and I tried very hard not to miss him. I failed. Have I mentioned how much I love the kids having iPhones? I love the kids having iPhones. Of course, for the first week Monkey was gone, I didn't even hear from him. I finally sent him a series of ARE YOU DEAD? messages and he responded. As you can see, he's really growing up, cursing appropriately yet succinctly...
And lo, it did come to pass that the edict came down from the grand high ruler of the land (if we agree that by "land" we mean "this particular science class my kids are taking") and the charge was thus: create a poster of determinate size and scope and breadth and beauty. First, the children diligently argued over the dimensions of said assignment, for somehow the rubric and the spoken words from the ruler's mouth, they didst not match. A missive delivered to said ruler was mirthfully replied to including the line, "I just love your children!" which is indeed ancient code for, "Wow, I see...
