Never ever ready

So this is not a fun post, but I do promise one little funny bit before it ends, if you’ll hang in there with me. Okay? Okay.

Six years ago we added Duncan to our family, and he has been an inordinate pain in our collective backsides ever since. He was older than we were told, he was sicker than we were told, and while I firmly believe I could pick Licorice up and twist her into a pretzel without so much as a single growl from her, Duncan has never, ever hesitated to show you displeasure with his (freakishly strong) teeth, and in the first two days he lived with us, he’d bitten three out of four family members hard enough to draw blood. He has allergies. His skin is sensitive. He’s hypoglycemic and prone to growths and no, I absolutely will NOT add up what this dog has cost us over the years because it defies my frugal sensibilities, defies any logic whatsoever. This damn dog has been sick and/or worrisome for most of the time we’ve owned him and just a few months ago capped it off with a you-could’ve-bought-a-car-instead level stay at the local vet hospital.

Through it all, I’ve said he was on borrowed time. I said I’d be happy with whatever time he has left, because he was, after all, our undead zombie dog, the dog who came to us having had a hard life, but learning the magic of being spoiled rotten, and whatever we could give him, however happy we could make him in whatever time he had, that would be enough. But I’m a liar.

I really thought I’d be okay. It turns out that I’m okay with it in THEORY, but not quite so much in PRACTICE.

It went like this: Duncan has been slowing down over the last few months, sure. Dude is around 13, now, so that’s not unexpected. He stopped playing with toys, but he’d only really ever played for short stints, anyway, so okay. Then came the nightly borkening and subsequent vet visit while we tried to figure out if he was sundowning or what, and the steroid taper the vet put him on did wonders, so then we knew there was some sort of inflammatory SOMETHING happening. I mentioned in that post that the longer we came out from the taper, the more he was returning to his old behavior, so clearly we needed to do something else.

But then… he stopped barking so much at night. He started sleeping more, which seems impossible when you consider that he was already sleeping most of the day. He went back to that weird gaggy cough any time you picked him up. But he didn’t seem to be in distress…? So I kept saying “I should take him back to the vet sometime” but I didn’t call because reasons and busy and then after a few days it was Friday and I thought “Well heck, if I don’t bring him in today, it’ll be the weekend and something will happen, I should call.” So I made him an appointment for Friday afternoon when he seemed a little lethargic on Friday morning. I went about my business and by the time it was time to bring him in, his breathing sounded funny. Labored. Well, good thing he had an appointment, and good thing Monkey was here to help me with him, too. Off to the vet we went.

The vet listened to him a bunch with his stethoscope and then he brought in a couple of students to listen to him, which was when I knew this was going to be Not Good. “I just need to go check my notes real quick,” the vet said, and I said WHY? more sharply than I maybe intended to, and he said, “His heart murmur sounds worse to me but I want to see what I wrote down before.”

Oh.

He came back and said yes, it was definitely worse, he’d like to do some x-rays to look at his heart, was that okay? I said sure. They took him away and after a while they called us back and the vet started talking to me about the films while one of his students held Duncan, who had just been held down for scans and was Pretty Pissed. Halfway through pointing out something, the vet glance at the student and then said in the CALMEST VOICE IMAGINABLE particularly given what he was saying, “Hey, he’s looking kind of blue. Go give him some oxygen.” I turned around and Duncan’s tongue was indeed blue. He was panting heavily.

I am not calm, in fact my fantasy band name is Don’t Tell Me To Calm Down, so I commenced freaking out, whereupon the vet was all “It’s fine, he’s pinking right up, I can see him from here” and that was true (in spite of Duncan trying very hard to move away from the little cup blowing oxygen in his face) so I tried to calm down and listen to what he was telling us about the x-rays, which basically boiled down to “I see a lot of fluid here, it’s compressing his lung function, P.S. this looks like congestive heart failure but let’s schedule you at the speciality vet next week to find out more.”

Oh.

Our vet also gave us some meds that should help, and he said we should be able to see “pretty quickly” if he was responding well to them. I did ask, before we left, “What do I do if he turns blue like that again?” and the vet’s answer was “Oh, just try to keep him calm and unstressed. Probably won’t happen, but if it does, really just being still and relaxing should bring him back to normal.” On the one hand that makes sense but on the other (in retrospect), he’s just told me Duncan’s lungs are compromised and when people turn blue do we say “just relax” as a solution? WE DO NOT. (DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN.)

Mind you, on Thursday it was “I should call the vet sometime” and Friday morning it was “he seems to be breathing a little hard” and by appointment time he managed to turn blue, so this was a Very Rapid Progression and perhaps (again, in retrospect) we all should’ve paid more attention to that, but hindsight is 20/20 blah blah blah.

Chickadee came home to see Duncan. She didn’t have time, and I told her to stay at school, but she insisted. Licorice is hands down her favorite but it turns out that she isn’t nearly as indifferent to Duncan as I might have thought.

On Saturday, he slept in. Duncan never sleeps in. His breathing was still audibly labored, but he toddled to his food when called and then back to napping and Otto and I made worried eyes at each other over his back and said we would take him back to the vet first thing Monday morning if nothing changed. He took the pills but that whole “working pretty quickly” thing didn’t seem to be materializing.

The good news is that Sunday, things changed! The bad news is that these were not good changes. He stopped eating. Never in the history of the six years we’ve had this dog has he refused food. NEVER. Not even when he was experiencing intestinal distress. Refusing food meant we couldn’t give him the meds. And his breathing got even faster/shallower/harder. I had a bunch of couldn’t-be-changed stuff scheduled on Sunday so I left Otto and Chickie looking over Duncan while I went on my way, trying not to think about the fact that my dog was dying, knowing that he was in good hands and besides, we were going to take him to the vet first thing the next morning.

I arrived home after Chickadee headed back to school to find Duncan and Otto lying on the floor of my office together. Otto reported that there had been a few coughing/gagging incidents that had all resolved in about a minute or so. But when I walked in, Duncan was happy to see me, so he tried to sit up and started coughing and coughing and a minute passed and he was still going. Then another minute. It seemed like he couldn’t catch his breath. Finally we looked at each other—we’d already had the discussion about How Much Heroics and Money Will We Do and agreed that we were not going to put Duncan through anything invasive, but the problem was that he was suffering. He couldn’t catch his breath. In an instant we knew there was no choice, and up we popped, one of us grabbing a towel, one of us grabbing him, we piled into the car and Otto drove faster than I’ve ever seen him drive. By the time my amazing softie of a husband drove into the DO NOT ENTER side of the vet hospital ER driveway, Duncan’s whole tongue and muzzle were blue and I wasn’t even sure he was still breathing. His mouth was going but I couldn’t feel his sides moving. I was crying. I ran inside with him and yelled I NEED HELP like I was in my very own terrible Hallmark movie. And the girl at the desk leapt up and smashed the giant CODE button on the wall and two people fairly flew out a nearby door and grabbed Duncan while I sobbed HE NEEDS OXYGEN.

Really not how I’d seen my weekend going.

Might I recommend, if you own animals, that you live close to one of the best vet hospitals in the country? I thought he was dead. I really, truly, thought we had waited too long and he had died in my arms in the car in terrible pain and distress and it was somehow all my fault and I’d be haunted forever. But we filled out paperwork and gave a history to the vet who came out to get it (by this I mean, Otto gave the history while I sniffled and sobbed) and we gave permission for bloodwork and then sat there and waited a looooong time. On the one hand, it felt like forever, but on the other, every minute we sat there and no one came out and said, “I’m so sorry,” that meant he was still alive.

Finally we were moved to a private room where they have you do the financial paperwork, and told us we could see him after that was done. “Is he… okay?” I managed to squeak out. I mean, we’d been there for an hour and I had only just stopped crying about five minutes before that.

“Oh yes, he’s perked up considerably.” This was baffling to me, but good. We finished the paperwork and were led into another room, whereupon we discovered that if a dog needs continuous oxygen, you simply put him in a special box. An Oxygen Box. OxBox!

We got to open the little portal door there and give him some scritches before we had to leave. He kept opening and closing his mouth like a little goldfish, and I finally asked the vet why he was doing that. She said something about how even though he’s getting enough oxygen now they tend to “gulp” when they’re having trouble breathing. I liked my explanation better, which was that he realized he was in a fish tank and just wanted to play the part. (I did not share this with the vet, but I did tell Otto, later.) Duncan would be having a full cardiac workup later that night or first thing the next day, and they would call us if anything changed, but in the meantime the box would help keep him oxygenated and we shouldn’t worry.

The good news is that Duncan’s worsened murmur is NOT due to congestive heart failure. In fact, we were told his heart looks “remarkably good” and he’s not in congestive heart failure at all! (ROLLERCOASTER! DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!) The bad news is that he has a severe case of pulmonary hypertension, meaning the blood pressure in his lungs is way, wayyyyyy too high, hence the breathing difficulties.

There are multiple possible causes for pulmonary hypertension, and we don’t know why it happened to Duncan. Here’s the funny bit you’ve been waiting for: the first-line treatment for pulmonary hypertension is… Viagra. No joke! Except ALL the jokes, because if you think we haven’t been cracking up over the notion of little doggie boners for days, you don’t know us very well. When the vet called on Monday they said they wanted to try the Viagra to see how he would respond, and they’d let us know. His response was good and they were able to turn down the level of oxygen in his box, so then by the NEXT night the challenge was to see whether he was okay with just room air all night. He was! On Wednesday they called to say I could pick him up and bring him home, and I couldn’t believe it.

Of course I had like an hour of waiting/paying/waiting before a vet came in to talk to me, and I was just wanting to see my dog, you know? But there were things to go over and of course that metaphorical needle-across-the-record screech when the vet said, “This is an end of life condition.”

“But he’s responding to the meds. He’s coming home,” I said, stupidly, like maybe if I argued he would change his mind.

“The meds will work for a while. And we may be able to do some adjusting, plus there are other meds we can try. But this is a condition where you’ll need to make some decisions ahead of time.”

Oh.

Maximum life expectancy post-diagnosis: 1 year. Typical life expectancy post-diagnosis: 2-6 months.

Oh. Oh.

So we talked about options and end of life care, and I didn’t even cry (probably because I was sort of in shock) and when he got to the part about how we should come in for a follow-up visit with him in 3 months, I looked at him and said, “Is he going to be alive in 3 months, do you think?”

He said he didn’t know. He reiterated that his case is severe.

So.

We are home. Duncan sleeps in ZOMGTHEBIGBED with us now, every night he asks (so far he has asked every night), and Otto—who has never liked having a dog in the bed—is the one who gently lifts him up and tucks him in. The first day home he wouldn’t eat a thing, and yesterday we tempted him with bits of his favorite people food, to mixed results. Of course I’ve discovered that he’ll eat bacon no matter what, which led to another issue (ahem) and now I’m trying to get him to eat rice flavored with broth, but the dog who once ran off with a banana peel and ate half of it while we wrestled it from his maw never takes more than a bite or two of anything, so far. We’ll see how today goes, but his hypoglycemia diet is 1/4 cup of kibble every 4 hours from 6:00 am to 10:00 pm, and currently it’s nearly 11:00 am and I practically had to shove the morning piece of bacon laced with meds down his throat to get him to take it. Maybe he’ll eat at 2:00.

I think he knows. I think he’s ready.

I sure wish I was.

47 Responses to “Never ever ready”

  1. 1
    Dave October 24, 2019 at 10:05 am #

    My heart is breaking for you all. Sending all my love.

  2. 2
    AlisonC October 24, 2019 at 10:09 am #

    I am so sorry to hear this.
    I had to put my dog to sleep a few weeks ago. She was 15 and definitley slowing down and losing weight so we were having conversations but then she took very ill – the vet thought she had a stroke so the decision was mede for us.
    Give Duncan and extra hug from me.

  3. 3
    ccr in MA October 24, 2019 at 10:11 am #

    I’m so sorry. I know exactly what you mean about ready in theory versus ready in practice. It is never, ever, ready enough.

  4. 4
    Jenna October 24, 2019 at 10:18 am #

    I’m so sorry. so many people I know are going through this right now and it’s so incredibly sad. I am a year removed from having my darling cat put down and still sad. You gave him an incredible last 6 years. he’s a lucky dog.

  5. 5
    Devry October 24, 2019 at 10:19 am #

    I’m in tears…I’m right there with you. Nelson is thirteen too and has an immune disease, I’m trying to prepare myself.

    Love to you all as you walk through these beautiful, bittersweet days.

  6. 6
    Meghann October 24, 2019 at 10:20 am #

    This has been a really bad year for dogs. We put down our sweet 13 year old in February, my grandparents have lost a dog, and I have had SEVERAL friends lose theirs. Sigh.

    Sweet derpy Duncan.

  7. 7
    Chuck October 24, 2019 at 10:24 am #

    Oh, man. Very sorry to hear about this, Mir. Hoping for the max time possible.

  8. 8
    Caroline October 24, 2019 at 10:25 am #

    Awww sweetie, this is heartbreaking! I’m glad Duncan is still with you, as I am positive he is feeling the same way. He’s holding on because he wants to be with you. Enjoy this time he’s giving to you, give him all the love an attention he can handle and soak up the memories.

    P.S. If he has a doggy boner that lasts more than 4 hours, call the vet so they can laugh too. :D

    ((((hugs))) and prayers

    • 8.1
      Mir October 24, 2019 at 10:27 am #

      OMG Caroline, thank you for the giggle. I needed that. xoxo

  9. 9
    Valerie October 24, 2019 at 10:25 am #

    I’m tearing up just trying to tell you how sorry I am. Duncan is so lucky to have found your family, and you know that–but it really doesn’t lessen the pain. Thank you for taking such good care of him. Hugs to all of you from Ohio.

  10. 10
    Kristine October 24, 2019 at 10:25 am #

    I am so sorry, tears running down my face at work. This is so hard…. No one is every ready to lose a pet….. :(

  11. 11
    Brenda October 24, 2019 at 10:26 am #

    I’m so sorry. It’s so hard to see your beloved pet not be OK and know that there’s not much time left.

  12. 12
    Asha Dornfest October 24, 2019 at 10:31 am #

    Oh, Mir. I’m sorry. I have a 12.5 YO dog and understand the love and heartbreak. Sending all my love to you. Wishing comfort and contentment for Duncan.

  13. 13
    Sheppitsgal October 24, 2019 at 10:36 am #

    Oh My.

    Chin scritches for everybody

    xx

  14. 14
    Karen October 24, 2019 at 10:44 am #

    We recently put my 10 year old Dane down after a prolonged medicated spell of heart disease, but his hind end is what did him in, it just decided to give up and not work anymore. Duncan is so darn lucky to have had the love of a good family in his second act in life, and your kindness in not prolonging suffering is a hard decision to make when the times comes, but the right one. Wishing you peace in your heart and and a little more time with that adorable mop top.

  15. 15
    Summer October 24, 2019 at 10:45 am #

    Agh, this post should be labeled NSFW because I’m sitting at my desk trying not to cry and I have a meeting in 15 minutes!!! I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I agree we’re never ready to see a pet go. Hopefully he enjoys the next few months of his life, and maybe he will surprise you! <3

  16. 16
    BethR October 24, 2019 at 11:00 am #

    I’m so sorry :( This is a horrible time to be the one with the opposable thumbs. It hurts and there’s no way around the hurt. Please know that we’re all out here sending Duncan and you and your family all the love and scritches. Try to remember that you’ve given him an incredible life and he knows he’s loved, which is ultimately what everything is about.

    {{{HUGS}}}

  17. 17
    Chris October 24, 2019 at 11:10 am #

    Oh Mir I’m so sorry. I think it’s terrible when you have to see an animal in pain and can’t do anything to relieve it. Breathing problems are a different kind of terrible. They are gasping and you can’t get them to the vet fast enough and you are terrified they will pass in your arms. My dog was in congestive heart failure than came on in a flash. We got to the vet but he didn’t make it. It sucks the life out of you. You make those do not resuscitate decisions and it’s hard to stick to them when they suffer. It’s hard for humans too. I’m a nurse and it doesn’t help to know what’s going on. You only imagine the worst. Prayers for you all and Duncan.

  18. 18
    Barbara October 24, 2019 at 11:14 am #

    I’m so sorry sweetie. What a good life you have given your grumpy little dog. He loves you all ferociously and will patiently wait for you to be ready to say goodbye. It’s never easy and it’s always heartbreaking.

  19. 19
    Leslie October 24, 2019 at 11:31 am #

    Oh Mir, I’m so sorry! Prayers for all of you.

  20. 20
    Tina October 24, 2019 at 12:38 pm #

    I’m so sorry. :( I’m glad you were able to spoil him as long as you did though!

  21. 21
    Jules October 24, 2019 at 12:59 pm #

    Shit! 💔

  22. 22
    Alice October 24, 2019 at 1:02 pm #

    Oh, Mir – I’m so, so sorry. I’m incredibly glad that Duncan found you all, but this part of things is unbelievably hard. (And I wish I were clever enough to make a Viagra joke out of that, but I’m not that good.)

    We went through this 1.5 years ago with 2 of our cats a few months apart, and it is just utterly heartbreaking.

    A piece of advice, if you want it, is below, but scroll on by if you’re not in the mood for unsolicited stuff.

    When it was time for our cats’ final vet appointments, we had to take one cat to the emergency vet, but were able to schedule an appointment for the other cat with an at-home vet service.

    I can’t recommend the at-home service strongly enough, if you have the option. It was the same price as if we’d used our regular vet, but so, so, so much better for him, and for us. We used Lap of Love, but from what I’ve heard, most at-home euthanasia services all run around the same cost.

    • 22.1
      Mir October 24, 2019 at 1:07 pm #

      Good advice, and thank you. We’ve already called our regular vet to see if he’ll make a house call when the time comes. If not, I’m sure he can refer us to someone who will. Definitely want to keep him at home if we can.

    • 22.2
      Jessica Fantastica October 25, 2019 at 6:41 am #

      My 15 year old pup hated the vet more than anything so I did it at home too. I also highly recommend lap of love.

  23. 23
    Niki October 24, 2019 at 1:03 pm #

    I’m so sorry! I know how much you guys love the little butthead!

  24. 24
    Susan Getgood October 24, 2019 at 1:06 pm #

    I am so so sorry. Have been here myself so many times. You have given him a great life and done everything you could. Now you may be at the place of the hardest thing. There’s no way that doesn’t suck. All my love to you and a puppy kiss for Duncan and Licorice.

  25. 25
    Fraulein N October 24, 2019 at 1:15 pm #

    Dammit, the Viagra thing wasn’t funny enough! I’m so sorry.

  26. 26
    Shirley Braden October 24, 2019 at 2:02 pm #

    Sob. So very sorry. That face. His stories. Love and hugs to you all.

  27. 27
    Brigitte October 24, 2019 at 3:30 pm #

    Even if it costs extra, the at-home service is definitely worth it. And I know it’s just the nature of things as fur-baby moms to torment ourselves for not recognizing what was wrong with our babies. Since I do it too, we just have to concentrate on all the quality time Duncan has had with you guys, that I’m sure he wouldn’t have had otherwise.

  28. 28
    Garnigal October 24, 2019 at 3:40 pm #

    I’m so sorry you are going through this. Pets, man. They’ll break your heart. That said, the 19 year old cat that we thought was going to die in the car on the way to our house (mil moved into a place that didn’t allow pets) lasted 9 more months on CBD oil, pain killers, and frequent hand feeding. As long as he purred and wanted love, he got it.

  29. 29
    Karen R. October 24, 2019 at 3:41 pm #

    I am so, so sorry that you are all going through this.

  30. 30
    Jan October 24, 2019 at 5:14 pm #

    Oof. I mean, obviously, we can do the math, we’re signing up for this when we get them, right? But it’s never ever not gut wrenching. I’m so sorry.

    I second the recommendation to do the deed at home if you can and add that you be sure Licorice gets a chance to see his body. Some good friends of ours had to put one dog down and the other one never saw her body and he just seriously never emotionally recovered. When we lost one of our pair after a long illness, his sister, who had been moping for weeks, was sort of sad for maybe another day after he was gone and then visibly perked up. I mean, I think they don’t have hangups about death the way people do, but it was hard for her to see him suffering, if that makes sense.

    When you’re ready for a good cry, read this, if you haven’t before:
    http://www.journeyforanimals.com/html/read-the-journey.html

    Hugs. I’m not even going to yell at you for making me cry at work, THAT is how sad I feel for you.

  31. 31
    Jeanie October 24, 2019 at 6:06 pm #

    I had so much anxiety reading this post. I’ve adored Duncan ever since he came into your life. I’m so sorry that he’s nearing the end of his. My heart truly breaks for all of you. To make matters worse (for me), I have a dog who routinely coughs/gags and also pants. He has cough tabs right now, but I know he’ll need to see the vet soon. Good luck to you all. Hugs for everyone.

  32. 32
    LoriO October 24, 2019 at 7:27 pm #

    Oh, you’re breaking my heart. In a similar place with our 14-year-old dog (who has some abdominal masses, painful joints, and more), as well as with our (sometimes constipated, sometimes NOT, but never just normal) 16-year-old cat who also has end-stage kidney disease, and I’m DEFINITELY not OK with it. Not any of it. And now I have to add Duncan to my list of animals I’m worried about dying before I’m ready for it. Not that he’s ever met me. But you know what I mean. Xoxox

  33. 33
    Shell October 25, 2019 at 1:44 am #

    I was expecting a worse ending to that story as I sobbed my way through that..hang in there Duncan ..❤️ From Shell in OZ

  34. 34
    Amy October 25, 2019 at 6:09 am #

    I’m so sorry for you and your family. I hope his remaining time is filled with love, joy and all the bacon he can eat. x

  35. 35
    Stacy October 25, 2019 at 7:15 am #

    I’m so sorry! I’m so glad you gave Duncan such a wonderful home.

  36. 36
    Jenn October 25, 2019 at 7:46 am #

    I’m so sorry Mir. I have long been a fan of your blog, but when you got Duncan, I always compared him to my cat Kizzy. She was the very best kitty but always had skin issues, allergies issues etc…2 months ago we ran into the same thing…she was just too sick and uncomfortable and we took her to our vet. Its the worst feeling, and I was not ready either. I know you guys will do your best by Duncan, as you already have given him such a great life.

  37. 37
    Amy October 25, 2019 at 3:25 pm #

    Hugs.

  38. 38
    Abbie October 26, 2019 at 8:12 am #

    Oh, I am so sorry. Letting a pet go is so hard. Thinking of you and your family. Hugs.

  39. 39
    Sandy October 27, 2019 at 7:28 pm #

    I’m so sorry, I’m praying for a miracle for Duncan. I wish there was a way to get one of those oxygen boxes for home use for Duncan. Did they ever raise the possibility of a feeding tube? It does require a simple operation with anesthesia. The benefit is you control their calories and can also give them most medications through the tube. Sending you and Duncan love.

  40. 40
    Lizneust October 28, 2019 at 8:00 pm #

    I am so sorry. Letting them go is one of the hardest things. Chin scratches and bacon all around.

  41. 41
    mar October 28, 2019 at 10:39 pm #

    My best friend also had a dog with pulmonary hypertension, and also used Viagra for it (and the dog was female!) – but it allowed her to live a good life for a few more years. BTW – If the price is very high, check with you local compounding pharmacy – it may be cheaper.

    Bacon for all (dogs and humans!), and strength and love to all.

  42. 42
    Susan October 30, 2019 at 3:23 pm #

    Am crying at work too – your Duncan looks like my Snickers. You all have given Mr. Duncan a great life. I am so sorry for you all – they really do leave paw prints on our hearts!

  43. 43
    Liz October 30, 2019 at 8:25 pm #

    Thinking of you all. Never ever ready for this

  44. 44
    Philippa Connell October 31, 2019 at 5:07 am #

    Just sat crying my eyes out for your little dog. He’s a lucky boy to have found you.

    It’s a week since you posted. I hope he’s still with you and happy.

    Lots of love.

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