October 13, 2008 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I don’t know that I have ever laughed so hard in my entire life as I did at the many and varied responses to my double mystery post this weekend. First of all, y’all have some excellent costume ideas (cereal killer! HAAAAA!!) for sure. And a trip to Goodwill yielded a boy-sized… well, it’s not a trenchCOAT, but it is sort of a trenchJACKET, plus it wins the thumbs-up by virtue of having The Right Price, which in this case was $2.30. He desperately wants to wear sunglasses, but I am JUST THINKING that may not work for nighttime trick-or-treating, so the ol’ fake-glasses-and-moustache may be the way to compromise.

(And that will be even MORE fun because everyone knows the only thing cuter than a little boy dressed up as a spy is a little GIRL dressed up as a spy, and Monkey was mistaken for a girl EVERYWHERE we went this weekend. When I asked him if it bothered him, he said, “Nah. People are silly.” And if I could bottle THAT right there, friends, I’d be rich.)

So: Halloween is a go. As for the puddle in the kitchen… (more…)

October 11, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

When I got up this morning, I walked into the kitchen and stepped in a puddle in front of the kitchen sink.

(This is rarely a good way to start the day.)

In our case, though, it turned out to be less annoying and more extremely perplexing—investigation revealed the puddle to be some sort of cleaning fluid (I suspect the sort of “general cleaner” I sometimes buy by the jug), but we cannot figure out the source. I mean, in front of the sink, there, I expected either some sort of catastrophic plumbing issue or a bottle in the under-sink cabinet gone capsized. And… nothing. We can find nothing. I can’t even find a bottle that matches the smell, anywhere. Nor was there a trail from under the sink, indicating a spill from within. It was simply a self-contained puddle of cleaner. (more…)

October 6, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

It seemed like I sort of struck a nerve in this post where I talked about trying to avoid High Fructose Corn Syrup in the foods I choose to feed my family. I always find that sort of thing interesting, because the HFCS thing was really a sidebar to my main point in that post (which was, I think, “insurance companies and doctors’ offices make me want to eat my own face”), plus I did not (that I noticed, anyway) say, “HFCS bad! If you feed it to your kids or eat it yourself, you’re a filth-encrusted whoremongering minion of the devil!” And yet the urge to justify one’s choices is human nature, I guess, and so responses to that post pretty much fell into one of four categories:

1) “You are so right, Mir! Corn syrup is evil and so hard to avoid! ACK!”
2) “You are so right, Mir! Corn syrup is evil, and that’s why we consume lots of aspartame and sucralose, instead, because I prefer chemicals to genetically-modified corn! ACK!”
3) “You are a whiny alarmist, Mir! Corn syrup never hurt anyone! Why don’t you go hug a tree, you filthy hippie!”
4) “LALALALALALAAAAAA! I can’t HEEEEEAR you!” (more…)

October 3, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Retail Therapy

I love Fridays. It’s the one day of the week I allow myself some unstructured time. Monday through Thursday, it’s all work while the kids are in school. And Saturday and Sunday, all family. But generally I can sneak a few errands in on Friday before the kids get home.

Today I needed to go to the post office, because for SOME reason when I give prizes away on Want Not people actually expect me to mail them out, or something. I don’t know. People are so DEMANDING. And although I have all the makings of a home office here in my, uh, home office, I do need to leave the house to do that. (Dear Stamps.com: Your software is incompatible with Macs. You are therefore compatible with extreme suckage. Love, Mir.)

And as long as I was headed out, I thought perhaps I’d go run some other errands. And seeing as how it’s been rather nippy here, in the mornings, suggesting that cold weather is indeed coming, I decided to go shopping for some pants. (more…)

September 29, 2008 | Health is overrated, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I miss the olden times.

Oh, not the REALLY olden times, like when you ate what you grew or killed yourself, because that seems fairly messy and also girls weren’t allowed to wear pants. That just seems like a drag. But I mean the halcyon days of middle America when every modern invention was fabulous and nobody knew or cared that it might not exactly be good for you. Sugar cereal? YUM YUM! Canned veggies with cups of salt in ‘em? DELICIOUS!

And as for things like medications… well, if your kid had allergies or whatever, you didn’t have to get special medicine for it. Silly! You just gave them a spoonful of cod liver oil or honey or maybe you gave him a shot of brandy, I DON’T KNOW, but it all just seems like it was a lot easier. (more…)

September 23, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Before starting this off I’d like to take a minute, again, to thank each and every one of you who bid on my Wii auction to benefit my kids’ school. I really thought, when I put that post up, that I might very well end up with $20 and a hearty smack to the forehead (my own, for being dumb, you see), so it really warmed my heart that y’all were so generous.

Also, our PTA president specifically asked me to pass along her thanks, as well, which was very nice because I am still feeling a little overwhelmed with the new knowledge that the entire group is apparently reading my blog now. *waving weakly*

With that, I give you our GORGEOUS winner: Naomi, who is also half of the duo behind Rock-N-Tot. Naomi totally proved her rockstar cred by bidding $375, and our little Title 1 school will be receiving every dollar of her bid. Thank you so much, Naomi! You are SUPER PRETTY! (more…)

September 17, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Job? Huh?

The good news is that last night’s soiree was a fun, fun time and the food was AMAZING. No, I’m not being braggy—I didn’t cook. I didn’t do anything, actually. This event was a work thing and so it was completely planned out by People Who Are Not Me and also possibly magical wood elves who sprinkled fairy dust everywhere, because I can guarantee you that if I had been the one planning it, we would’ve had a bottle of wine and a bowl of pretzels and someone would’ve been in tears at the end. Probably me. But no, because this was a Fancy To Do, a catering team swooped in and set up an entire kitchen IN MY GARAGE and promptly cooked up enough food for an army of people who are hoping to die with clogged arteries and smiles on their faces.

The bad news is that I am so ill I’m just a whiny, blubbery mess. You know how sometimes you can’t be sick? Like, say, when you’re throwing a big party at your house? And so you take a bunch of cold medicine and put on your happy face and actually have a great time, but then everyone leaves and you fall all to pieces and can’t sleep because you feel so miserable? (more…)

September 13, 2008 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I have this bad habit of jumping to conclusions. It’s just that the HOPEFULNESS that lives within me—occupying not a very large area, even, like maybe only a pinky fingernail’s worth—is somewhat exuberant. It’s all “Dude! HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?” And it doesn’t matter if the good news has actually, honest and for true, ARRIVED. This can occasionally be a problem.

Case in point: I went out to run a bajillion errands today. Ever since gas went up to whatever it is now (I’m driving on fumes and refusing to even look at gas station signs, and by the way HAVE YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?), I no longer run an errand every other day or so, the way I used to. Now I save ‘em all up whenever possible, because that’s more economical or something. Anyway, I had a whole list of things I HAD to do. Drop off library books, return some stuff to Kohls. Stuff like that. (more…)

September 9, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

For years and years and years (apparently; remember, this is only our second year here) the kids’ school has done a Fall Fundraiser which primarily involves selling wrapping paper. Should you feel that you’ve reached your quota of overpriced wrapping paper, there are also crappy overpriced snacks. And things like baking mixes tied up with pretty bows that say, “Hahaha, sucker, you just forked over a 5000% markup on white flour.”

(I am not really a fan of this particular mode of fund raising. I’m sure you couldn’t tell.)

Last year—our first year here—apparently our PTA had been taken over by “the only people who cared” after some sort of kerfluffle at the end of the previous year. This small group… um, allow me to be southern here and preface this with “Bless their hearts,” managed to run things for a year, but I suspect their hearts really weren’t in it, and I’m just guessing, here, based upon how nearly every discussion started with one of them saying, “Well no one else was willing to handle this, so we’re doing it,” and the fact that all of them moved out of district at the end of the year. (more…)

September 2, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Retail Therapy

Hmmm, let me see. Where did we last leave off? Oh! Right! I said “Tomorrow I can tell you all about what country bumpkins do when they have a child-free day in Atlanta.” And of course by “tomorrow” I meant TODAY, which is technically two days later, but that’s just how it goes.

(Hey, I was still recovering. And time is a fluid concept, dude. Peace.)

ANYWAY, yes, my husband and I had all of Sunday spread out before us to have a Big Day in the Big City and Otto really wanted to go to the High, and I really wanted to go back to sleep for about three days, and so naturally we compromised and went to Ikea and Trader Joe’s, instead.

What? (more…)