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As long as we’re talking about it

I promise that after this I will stop talking about dog poop. I mean, probably. For a while, at least. I did really enjoy how yesterday I thought I was making this offhanded observation about the dog being a pain in the ass (granted, an adorable pain, but still) and the next thing I knew, my comments were filled with people who were afraid I was randomly flinging dog poop into other people’s trash cans. Or who had terrible stories of random/unexpected dog poop. (I did go back to the comments to clarify that I am only dropping securely-bagged poop into public receptacles. Lest you think I’m a poop bandit or something.)

Oh, God. I’m writing an entire entry about dog poop. OH YES I AM.

Anyway, I wasn’t going to tell y’all about this, but as long as we’re just chatting about waste matter, WHY NOT! (more…)

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Comments { 31 }

Still awkward

Today I am over at Five Full Plates, bragging about how I’m getting myself back into the fitness groove I loathe so much. It’s going surprisingly well, actually. I meant, except for the part where I nearly died. (I didn’t really nearly die. I just felt like I was going to. Because I’m a drama queen.)

Extra bonus unrelated story snippet: Part of Monkey’s accommodation at school is that he has a laptop so he can keyboard instead of writing. His laptop also has Internet. And Monkey spends a lot of time on his laptop, because he’s allowed to use it whenever he’s done with his work, and Speedy Gonzalez there is often sitting around waiting for his classmates to finish up. Well. I found out he’d been Googling me and reading the blog (really, I didn’t expect that to happen for a few years). So I emailed the teacher to ask that his Internet usage be monitored, and she assured me that it was, and I assured her that it was not, because he’d admitted to reading stuff he shouldn’t, and she got kind of defensive and said the school filters would prevent that, and I told her “yes, but I’m writer, and I write for an adult audience, and he’s apparently been reading me from school. And now you think I write porn, but really I don’t, I just would prefer he not read my writing… oh, God, the more I protest the worse this sounds.”

She… did not respond to that email. So when I sent Otto off to curriculum night last night, I yelled after him, “Please make sure she knows I don’t write porn for a living!” Yeah.

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Comments { 23 }

Born lazy

I often refer to myself as lazy because I am not terribly physically active. I sit at a desk all day long, and I’ve never been good at sports, and my idea of relaxing is… moving from the desk to the couch. I live on the edge, obviously.

Part of me bristles against this, because, obviously, I am not lazy in the overarching sense of the word. I mean, I’m as lazy as you can be while working 50-60 hours/week and cooking, cleaning, and otherwise tending to a family, I guess.

Still, my inability to develop a love for exercise aggravates me. Hence today’s post over at Five Full Plates, about me and my excuses. I’m curious to know if you think a love of fitness can be cultivated, because so far I’ve got nothin’.

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Comments { 21 }

Just wondering

In general, I believe in parenting with a firm but benevolent hand. I believe in choosing your battles, allowing them room to make their own mistakes, and a lot of prayer. I believe you can’t take it personally, but you can’t just give up, either. I believe it’s our job to mold these kids into human beings who will benefit society, and that said molding can be messy, thankless work a lot of the time, but that the benefits in the end far, far outweigh the drawbacks.

That said, if I had to club my daughter to within an inch of her life with, say, this, y’all would totally understand, right? You’d still like me?

Because I am telling you this: There is not a jury in the world that would convict me.

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Comments { 26 }

Save the drama for your mama

So. Um. Hi! It appears that I didn’t really think through yesterday’s post. I mean, I thought, “This is an important miscarriage of justice that needs to be brought to light, and I have the luxury of readers and so I will ask them to read about it,” when really I should’ve been thinking, “People who are strangers to me will read about this story and then go onto various bulletin boards and claim that I have posted this story to boost my t-shirt sales.” Yes, they’re on to me, folks. I shared that story because I want your money! BUY A SHIRT, DAMMIT!

Ahem.

Look; I very rarely use this space for any sort of activism. When I do, it’s something that’s important to me. If it’s not important to you, that’s okay. Just move on. No need to get your panties in a wad. [Though, for anyone who has questions about yesterday's post: A bunch of details have been added in the comments by both Hollis (the author) and Kimberly (Hollis' sister, the defense attorney), including the docket number. Please stop with the "this story can't be real."]

So, let’s get back to the sort of controversial, cutting-edge storytelling for which I am best known, shall we? (more…)

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Comments { 36 }

Judicious application of hip-hop hamsters

Have you seen this Kia commercial? I apologize in advance for the fact that the music will BURROW INTO YOUR BRAIN, but you really must see if if you haven’t:

I have just one thing to say about that, by the way: DO. DOP. DIPPITY!

Okay, technically that may be three things. And it also isn’t the only thing I have to say about it, because I’m a dirty liar. (more…)

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Comments { 43 }

Bad mommy; no biscuit!

Hey, how was your weekend? Do anything exciting?

Mine? Oh, yeah. Mine was great. You know, just doing the regular weekend stuff. Sleeping in. Buying groceries. Poisoning the dog. The usual.

What? Oh, haha. Yeah, kidding. Of course I’m kidding! I would never poison the dog! I mean, not on purpose, or anything. It was an accident.

Well, yes, I did actually do the same thing once before. I just thought it wouldn’t happen again. I mean… I just… LOOK, LICORICE IS OVER IT, WHY AREN’T YOU? Sheesh! Everyone’s a critic!

I’m telling you, it was an ACCIDENT, and I’m perfectly capable of marinating in my own guilt, thankyouverymuch. Hmph. (more…)

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Comments { 15 }

Love’s ahoy, wherever we are

We’re packing up and heading home; as always, this trip has had its ups and downs, but it’s still bittersweet to close up the camper and hitch up and drive back to everyday life.

As I walked through the campground this morning, I chuckled (as I always do) at the different things people do to personalize their campers. There’s all sorts of signs (“The Smiths Second Home!” and “Kick off your shoes and grab a beer!” and such) and strings of lights and even hanging plants and lawn ornaments. Our camper is bland by comparison. But we do put up our flag as soon as we park, just as a reminder of what we, as a family, stand for.

(It either means that the family that laughs together stays together, or that rotten children should totally look out. I can never remember which.)

Happy Love Thursday, everyone. Whatever form love takes for you and yours, don’t leave home without it.

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Comments { 15 }

Are you ready to go camping?

Yesterday turned out to be one of those days where we look around at the end of it and say, “… and let us never speak of it again.” Nothing horrible, really, just not a good day in terms of patience and kindness to your fellow family members. It turns out that sometimes absence DOES make the heart grow fonder, especially if you’re talking about escaping a small box by taking a walk for a while. So.

Accordingly, then, rather than regaling you with more tales of our exploits, I thought there’s been so much general interest in camping that I might help some of the on-the-fence amongst you decide if camping is right for your family. You know, because I’m an expert. Or I play one on the Internet. Or something. I forget.

Really, there are just a few key things you need to ask yourself if you’re considering taking your family camping. And—as usual—I’m here to help. Don’t be scared. (more…)

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Comments { 31 }

Loving family environment

The reason we got a camper is because my idea of “roughing it” is raising children. And having a place to plug in my crock pot. Details. Our camper is neither large nor fancy, but it did allow us to have veggie chili for dinner last night (seriously, a crock pot while camping is AWESOME) while sitting in our little air-conditioned box. And that is awesome because it is currently 95 degrees and a billion percent humidity every day here at Myrtle Beach.

[Digression: If I had a nickel for every time I found myself turning to Otto and saying, "Have you MET these children?", I could retire. Yesterday Otto said it was "just a short walk" over to the boardwalk, and a mile and two melting, complaining children later, we scrapped the expedition in favor of ice cream. Otto was disappointed and somewhat exasperated. I would like to stipulate that in this weather, there is NO SUCH THING as a short walk. I may not whine the way the kids do, but seriously, that was the fast track to heat stroke, right there.]

Anyway, vacation is all about making memories. I have no doubt we’ll be telling the one about how Otto led us on the neverending walk for YEARS! Plus dinnertime is always good for magic moments. (more…)

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Comments { 25 }
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