Otto is a man of relatively few words when it comes to feelings. It's not that he doesn't HAVE them, or even that he won't talk ABOUT them, if pressed, but despite his penchant for a good story, he is somewhat taciturn when it comes to attempting to quantify the changes of the last year-and-change. If, for example, you ask him what the biggest difference is? He will most often recall (usually while being bedtime-tackled by both kids, who are vying for the best hugging position) how in the beginning I would say, "Okay, kids, go say goodnight to Otto," and Monkey would go give him a hug and...
So. Um. Hi! It turns out that the whole thing where my kids wanted to win a Wii and I acted like "Hey, what a great idea, good luck with that!" so as to cover up the fact that I had ALREADY purchased a Wii for them---designed to be a Big! Exciting! Unexpected! Christmas present---has totally bitten me on the ass. Surprise! Yep. Some of you already guessed it, though I just found out yesterday: They won the Wii. Now, there was a long conversation amongst the PTA about what this MEANS and whether it's FAIR and while I know some of you have differing opinions, I just have to ask you to trust me...
I don't want to alarm anyone---particularly fellow mothers to young girls---but this whole puberty thing? Does not wait until high school. I mean, if it had any manners it certainly WOULD wait until high school, so that our daughters would already be refusing to talk to us about anything, but no. "Well, how old were YOU when you started... changing?" asked a friend, in response to my detailing recent events in our house. "I don't know!" I huffed. "I HAVE COMPLETELY BLOCKED OUT THOSE YEARS!" And it's true. I have one vivid memory of pestering my mother, repeatedly, that I wanted to shave my...
I'm please to report that it's so far, so good on Monkey's new and improved braces. They haven't popped a wire even once, which is a new record. Now instead of being angry that they keep falling apart, I can focus on being angry that the first wire wasn't properly installed. Yay! Additionally, I'm sure you're all dying to know that yesterday's contestant for Are You Smarter Than a 3rd Grader? was not, in fact, smarter than a 3rd grader---but lucky for her, Monkey knew that of the Ohio, Hudson, Savannah, and Rio Grande, it's the Savannah which is not a major river. Was he pleased about saving...
This morning I am off to the 3rd grade breakfast, where one Monkeypants McGee will be part of "Are You Smarter Than a 3rd Grader?" Only one kid was picked from each class, so naturally we're very proud and can't wait to see him smoke a few of the other parents. Last night we were going over practice questions, and he kept having trouble with the branches of the U.S. government and types of rocks. He kept insisting the government was made up of the Executive, Jubilant, and Legislative branches. Which was sort of adorable. (But wrong. The beatings helped, though.) Finally, we were just about...
So, um, remember how Monkey got his braces on and a wire kept popping off? I'd already taken him back to the orthodontist to have them fixed the very DAY they were put on, then the next day they were closed and I had to fix them myself, and then for a couple of days they were okay. That, of course, was followed by the Carnival Of The Wire Popping. The wire would pop off at least once a day. Sometimes twice! And because I actually have a few other things to do in this world besides remembering to call the orthodontist or spend the kids' entire college fund on gasoline to keep trucking over...
For years and years and years (apparently; remember, this is only our second year here) the kids' school has done a Fall Fundraiser which primarily involves selling wrapping paper. Should you feel that you've reached your quota of overpriced wrapping paper, there are also crappy overpriced snacks. And things like baking mixes tied up with pretty bows that say, "Hahaha, sucker, you just forked over a 5000% markup on white flour." (I am not really a fan of this particular mode of fund raising. I'm sure you couldn't tell.) Last year---our first year here---apparently our PTA had been taken over...
I was just going to come tell you that if you're in Atlanta, you can stop by the Beehive Co-op between 4:00 and 7:00 today to see me, Rita, and Kristen. I don't know what we're doing, really. Signing copies of Sleep Is for the Weak. Making out with each other. Dancing on the tables. Whatever. (Of course, this all assumes that I don't get lost driving into Atlanta. Hahahaha! I am funny!) Anyway, first we sat down for our regular Saturday morning pancakes, and Monkey finished up first and asked if he could "go out on the porch and get some fresh air." We said sure, have a good time. He went...
You name me a discipline method---other than corporal punishment---and I have tried it. I have punished for being bad and I have praised for being good and I have tied allowance to behavior and I have set marble jars on the counter (good deeds put marbles in, transgressions take marbles out) and I have overreacted and underreacted and just plain REACTED over and over again. And any parenting book I could write, at this point, with ten-and-a-half years of experience under my belt would read like this: "Pray. Then buy rum. The end." This is to say that I think my kids are going to turn out...
