August 14, 2008 | Job? Huh?, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

There are things I love about being a mother, and things about it that drive me insane. This is pretty typical, I’d guess, but on the whole I give this whole mothering gig a hearty thumbs up. Insert the cliche of your choice here: It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love! It’s the decision to have your heart walk around outside of your body! Etc.

I’ll just say that I really didn’t understand inspiration until I became a mom. Also, it’s nice to have someone else to water the plants for me. (What?)

There are things I love about being a writer, and things about it that drive me insane. This is pretty typical, I’d guess, but on the whole I give this whole literary pursuits gig a hearty thumbs up. This is, in fact, the longest I’ve stayed in a single career, and the first time I didn’t hate everyone and everything about it before a year had passed.

I’ll just say that once I really started doing this, I wanted to go back in time and smack myself—HARD—for not realizing that this is what I should’ve done all along. (more…)

August 13, 2008 | Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

We’re not quite a week into the new school year, and already we’re settling into a familiar routine. I hear his alarm go off and the sound of Monkey leaping out of bed just seconds before my alarm goes off; in contrast, Chickadee’s first alarm is usually turned off before it has a chance to beep (she’ll turn it off in the wee hours, I suspect), and the second alarm—on a second clock, across the room—goes off ten minutes later.

Monkey is downstairs in about six minutes, bright-eyed and chatty and cheerful. Chickadee won’t follow for at least another fifteen minutes (if not more), and she is often slow and irritable. She’s not much of a morning person. But in her defense, she’s also completely covered in Ye Olde Creeping Crud, and that’s probably not very comfortable. I’ve certainly been crabby over (much) less. (Dear Otto: I love you. Please resist the urge to comment here. Thanks, sweetie! Smooches!)

And we have tried—LORD HOW WE HAVE TRIED—but several weeks ago I had to concede defeat and call the doctor again. (more…)

August 11, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, What do I do all day?

I am a tidy person, deep in my heart of hearts. I crave order. Little delights me more than looking for an item where it belongs, and finding it there. A place for every item and every item in its place. And while we’re on the topic, let’s just say that the fewer items, the better.

It is at this point that anyone who’s ever visited my house or, say, someone who LIVES IN MY HOUSE will start to laugh hysterically. Because the state of my house… ahhhh… how shall we put it… well, the state of my house doesn’t exactly reflect my heart of hearts right now. Or ever. Details.

And so this weekend I attacked the various problem areas with a fervor born of months of denial and repression. One day, it’s all fine. The next day, I CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE AND IT MUST ALL BE STOPPED IMMEDIATELY. (more…)

August 7, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Woohoo!

It’s incredibly hard to type while you’re dancing. Especially when you’re doing a little jig. And believe you me, I am doing a jig right now. I’m busting a move the way only a woman in an empty house can, because today is THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL.

(Dun dun dun!)

There’s absolutely nothing else like the first day of a new school year. The excitement; the inability to sleep the night before (them AND me); the carefully thought-out lunches (unlike the ones I’ll throw together in a hurry, later this year); the planned outfits; and—of course—the new shoes.

First day of school = new sneakers. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Bible. (more…)

August 6, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

School starts tomorrow.

(And all of God’s people said “AMEN.” And possibly “Thank you, Jesus!” And maybe even “I love you so much, now GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.”)

Last year, we were new, and the school the kids’ attend was somewhat in flux for a variety of reasons that aren’t important or particularly interesting. And the amount of information we—as a new family, having no idea what the heck was going on—were given was… well, I won’t say they gave us NO information, but it was… LACKING, is all I’m saying. We did find out about back-to-school night, at least. But we were never given a bus number. And no one told us about the Parent Coffee thing that would’ve been extremely useful to me, you know, as a NEW PARENT TO THE SCHOOL. Whatever.

This year, we’re all settled in and information is flowing out our ears, whether we like it or not. (more…)

August 4, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

It has come to my attention that I may have inadvertently managed to bias my readers, a little bit, when it comes to the presentation of my darling children. Although it should go without saying that I find the two of them equally charming, there are some factors, perhaps, which may cause my representations of them here to be a bit… distorted. Some have said that I often post about Chickadee’s transgressions but rarely about Monkey’s, leading some to believe that Chickadee is a hoodlum-in-training and Monkey is a tiny, male Mary Poppins—practically perfect in every way.

This is patently ridiculous, of course. Chickadee is ALREADY a hoodlum, and Monkey doesn’t even own a magical carpet bag.

No, no no no no. I mean, come on. There is no favoritism here. My children are different and wonderful in their own ways, and just in case there was any doubt, my son is just as capable of being a complete buttmunch as his sister. (more…)

August 2, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, What do I do all day?

My job, right now, is to keep things as normal as possible ’round here, for the kids, and try not to let on that I’m exhausted and stressed out and worried and generally not at all interested in cooking or working or listening to the story of how that one Pokemon totally defeated that other one.

Some days this is easier than others.

Today I decided that maybe if I sandwiched together a bunch of errands it would 1) take up most of the day and 2) make it less obvious to the children that I was making sure we all have outfits appropriate for wearing to a funeral. Maybe I just think Monkey needs a tie because people keep mistaking him for a girl and that Chickadee needs a pair of dress flats because she’s about to start 5th grade. Who knows, right?

Back to that whole “no interest in cooking” thing: I decided we would start our travels by going out to lunch. (more…)

July 28, 2008 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Oh, there’s so much else I’d rather talk about. Like how we’re having company for dinner tonight, which I love, because it means I get to show off my dining room (but I’m TOTALLY SUBTLE about it, you know, just saying offhand things like “Tell me the plaster is pretty or I’ll cry”) and also that I get to experiment with new recipes.

Sure, I could do new recipes just for my family. And I DO, sometimes. But on a Monday I’m not terribly likely to start planning dinner at 9:00 in the morning unless we’re having company. SUE ME. Nevertheless: Maple-lime glazed salmon! Basil-lime sorbet! Let’s pretend this weekend never happened! WHO WANTS SECONDS?

And I struggled with this, because I have no desire to impugn my kids when I relate stories about them. But this was A Very Big Deal and I suspect a landmark event for our family, so I’m going to go ahead and lay it out and put some extra money in the therapy fund. (more…)

July 26, 2008 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Parenting 101, Intro to Parenting: Feed, diaper, soothe, burp.
My grade: B
My feeling: Relief that we all survived.

Parenting 201, Continued Topics in Parenting: Teach, read, watch, shape.
My grade: B+
My feeling: Mostly amnesia, with a vague sense of accomplishment.

Parenting 301, Discipline in Parenting: Expectations, rules, consequences.
My grade: C
My feeling: A on homework, D on tests. More work needed.

Parenting 399, Advanced Discipline Practicum — Family Vacation Lab: “Last warning: If you don’t stop, we are going home RIGHT NOW.”
My grade: A+
My feeling: Is this what success feels like? Because it feels an awful lot like we drove all day and dropped a wad of money on proving a point.

July 22, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Okay, so, I mentioned in passing that after deciding to get the kids a real piano that I thought I’d had the situation taken care of, and then there was a little snafu. But I didn’t tell you the whole sordid tale.

And CLEARLY, you need the whole story. Because my life is JUST THAT FASCINATING.

To recap: The kids started taking piano lessons a year ago, and all we had here for them to practice on was a small keyboard. This keyboard not only lacks some of the keys they needed, it doesn’t have hammer-action (weighted) keys, and so according to the piano teacher, forcing my children to use this inferior instrument was tantamount to child abuse. The only thing that would’ve been worse was a piece of cardboard with the keys drawn on it, apparently. And so after some soul-searching I set out to buy the children a Decent Instrument. (more…)