January 21, 2007 | Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

You already know that when my folks are here, we do exciting things like watch endless hours of CSI: Miami. But obviously we cannot do that while the children are awake, because David Caruso is inappropriate viewing material for impressionable young minds. They would have nightmares. So what did we do while the kids were around?

Well, mostly we fill the time with eating. Sure, you might think, “Really, now, how much time could you spend eating?” And the answer is: Almost all of it. There are meals, of course, but then also there just seems to be endless amounts of snacking, not to mention the pie I had to make (because my dad likes pecan pie and I have to entice him to visit me SOMEHOW) and our traditional night of Chinese food which typically involves ordering enough food for a week and interrupting the steady shovelling of delicious MSG into our mouths only to give Chickadee occasional pointers on using her chopsticks more effectively. (more…)

January 8, 2007 | Health is overrated

Given that I had Chickadee home from school today (Day Three of Mystery Fever: Just like the other two days!), it was actually pretty productive around here. Work was completed. Dishes were washed. Exercise was… exercised.

Yes. I exercised. Day One of the New Regime.

The New Regime is brought to you by the letter S (for sloth) and the number 5 (how many pounds I gained over the holidays) and also the last few times I was sick and how a nagging little voice in the back of my mind may have suggested that I wouldn’t get sick so often if I was in better overall health. (more…)

November 9, 2006 | Health is overrated, What do I do all day?

So Monkey has a cold, and as it goes when Monkey gets a cold, it grabs him and throttles him and he is miserable for about two weeks. And just when I’m starting to think about pinching his head between two or three fingers to stop the whining, I come down with the same cold, and then I lose the will to do, well, anything.

But today was Monkey’s rescheduled allergist appointment (because the original appointment was a bust) and I dragged the children and my phlegmy self over there (and got lost again! Yay! but not quite as badly as before) and we ended up spending TWO HOURS. And having tests, and getting new medications. So, progress.

About halfway through the appointment, the doctor casually mentioned that we should think about having Monkey referred to another doctor to test him for cystic fibrosis. And then MY HEART EXPLODED.

Half an hour and a lung capacity function test later, she took it back and said it was just asthma. And then I killed her, because that half hour took about twenty years off of my life. On the up side, it sure did put the sniffles, sneezes, wheezes and scrawniness into perspective. I’m almost sorry I killed her.

November 5, 2006 | Health is overrated

You know how it is when someone has a new SOMETHING in their life, and suddenly they are incapable of talking about anything but that SOMETHING. Like, when people have a new baby. It’s All Baby, All The Time for a while.

Or when someone gets engaged and they cannot shut up about it and it’s all engagement, rings, campers, weddings, courtroom sketch artists. Like that. How boring, right? I mean, as a reader, your eyes probably start to roll back in your head and you think, “Geez, didn’t she used to write about anything else? Has she always been this insipid?”

The answer, of course, is yes, I have always been this insipid. But I did used to talk about other things, and this week I gazed upon my blog and thought to myself, “I have GOT to stop yammering on about Otto. Surely something else blogworthy will come along.”

(more…)

October 27, 2006 | Health is overrated, My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

So, I would’ve gotten here sooner, but I was sort of busy yelling very loudly. Also, rending my clothing and cursing the name of anyone I’ve ever known. Lucky Otto! He picked such a good time to visit!

There were just a few sucktastic days in there for various reasons. Many of those reasons are only interesting to me, I’m sure, (a bleach spot on my favorite purple shirt! WHY, GOD, WHY?) but those of you who aren’t busy skipping everything I’ve ever said about my children’s health and then telling me that I am just randomly “doing things” to my children and I need to stop (why? why am I doing that? for the sheer joy it brings me to not be able to cook like a normal person?) might want to hear about Monkey’s recent appointment with the allergist, I thought. (more…)

October 13, 2006 | Health is overrated, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Oddly enough, listening to me sing that this morning did not make Monkey any more amenable to the delicious gluten-free organic brown rice and twigs cereal I set before him.

Which makes NO sense at all, because that is TOTALLY a catchy tune and should send people everywhere running for the organic grain-like food substitutes. Mmmmmm, wood pulp! It’s what’s for breakfast!

Yesterday I went to the health food store and spent some quality time with a lovely young vegan who did a very nice job of squelching her urge to visibly recoil when I listed pop-tarts and Froot Loops amongst Monkey’s favorite—but now forbidden— foods. I wish I could say I did the same when I picked up a box of cereal that cost $7.50. It was made with only the highest-quality grains and gold dust.

I walked out of there with a single bag of groceries. Which cost $36.

Monkey rejected this morning’s offering (well, he allowed me to force three spoonsful down his gullet, but complained the entire time) while Chickadee and I finished our bowls. Of course, she and I happen to know that anything tastes good with enough brown sugar and cream. Monkey still needs to be assimilated. And taught to appreciate my fine musical stylings.

September 17, 2006 | Health is overrated, My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Tomorrow morning Monkey has an appointment to be evaluated by the sort of doctor who specializes in medicating children for things like ADD/ADHD. We don’t actually KNOW if he’s ADHD, at this point, you understand. We think he might be, and the sensible thing would be to have him tested for it, so naturally, we plan to do that.

Of course, the doctor who does the testing can’t see him until November. And really, what’s the rush? It’s only my son’s mental health, and perhaps his first grade experience. Clearly I am one of THOSE MOTHERS for being concerned in the first place. (I find it interesting that if I allowed his explosive behavior to continue unchecked, I’d be a horrible parent, but if I want answers and treatment, I am a horrible and possibly LAZY parent. This parenting thing? Is A LOT MORE CRAPPY than is generally advertised.) (more…)

September 12, 2006 | Health is overrated

Today I managed to make it to my rescheduled follow-up with my breast surgeon, after having gotten the time wrong last time. Now, I’ve known for some time that this woman is sort of a card, and it’s part of the reason I really like her. It’s a full-service operation, you know? Feel you up, crack jokes. Everything you need. (more…)

August 15, 2006 | Health is overrated

I had a mammogram this morning and was told I definitely do not have meningitis. Wait. That’s not right. I mean, I had a mammogram AND I don’t have meningitis, but that’s not what happened.

The mammogram was completely uneventful. This was disappointing. Why, based on my last mammogram, I was expecting at least two blog posts’ worth of material out of this adventure. Damn that tech and her efficient, ordinary ways!

After having my breasts smashed between a couple of plexiglass plates, I stopped and bought myself a chocolate chip muffin, because I figured I (or at least, my boobs) had earned it. That was the highlight of my day, right there. It was still warm. (The muffin. Try to stay with me, here.) (more…)

August 14, 2006 | Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Two very unfortunate events have intersected this past week at Casa Mir.

First, I seem unable to completely shake the symptoms that derailed my Walk adventure. I’ll feel better—maybe a little tired, sure—for a day or two, and then the hammering headache and fever will come back again. It’s been over a week, and I HAVE THINGS TO DO. As a result, I’ve given up lolling around in bed for silly endeavors like “taking care of my children” and “working” and “cooking dinner.”

Second, my children need to go back to school before I kill them. (more…)