May 1, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Health is overrated

Every now and then one member of the family manages to visit a proclivity on the rest of us, and before you know it, we’re all loving or doing the same thing. Hey, I never used to be a HUGE fan of fish. I mean, I liked fish just fine. I cooked it occasionally. But it was never one of my big things.

Back when Monkey still lived on big cups of milk and butter-slathered bread crusts and turned up his nose at nearly everything else, he refused to eat beef. Or pork. Or chicken. Or anything with any protein at all, which caused me to fret that he would forever be just three feet tall and spindly. And one day I made some fish and put some on his plate and then had a small myocardial infarction when he shoveled it all into his mouth and asked for more. Thus a fish-lover was born, and although he is now three-and-a-HALF feet tall and spindly, we consume a lot of fish.

It also gives our family an awesome party trick; ask the kids what they’d like to eat RIGHT NOW if they could have anything at all, and Chickadee will start rattling off “Cake! Ice cream! CAAAAANDY!” while Monkey’s eye glaze over with longing and he sighs, “Saaaaaaaalmon!” (more…)

April 16, 2008 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Health is overrated

Hey, the GOOD news is that I don’t have any cavities! That’s due to my patented method of brushing often, never flossing, and having good genes. (I should totally write a book. “You Too Can Have Pretty Strong Teeth, Unless You Don’t, In Which Case You Can Suck It, But Hopefully Not Before You Buy This Book!”)

Let’s review: I do not like the dentist, Sam-I-Am. After a long dental care hiatus, my return to the dentist was somewhat traumatic, you may remember. But I soldiered on! I kept up with it! Even when I started having cavities and other problems! I’m like a battered woman who’s CONVINCED that this time, he’s changed. I keep giving the dentist ONE MORE CHANCE and it never ends well, but I just never learn.

You may think I’m exaggerating, but let me put it to you this way: I spent two hours at the dentist yesterday, and THEN I had to make an appointment for a cleaning. (more…)

April 7, 2008 | Health is overrated, Friends

Why yes, it HAS been six months since my last mammogram ALREADY. Thank you so much for remembering. You know how I do so love spending the entire morning having my boobs squashed between plexiglass in the name of health. No, I’ve never had breast cancer. Nor do I plan to. But until my breasts stop being lumpy I seem to have drawn the scan/poke/prod card when it comes to mammary health.

You’re welcome. (Me so sexy!)

Anyway, now that we’re all picturing my LUMPY BOOBS (sorry, Dad) (sorry, Otto), I have to go run over to the hospital to have them smashed. FABULOUS.

Since I’m short on time, I thought I would point out something fun you could do this week if you had some extra time and the inclination or whatever.

Hint: It involves books! And one of my favorite people! (more…)

January 11, 2008 | Health is overrated, Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

It is possible to be a Stanford-educated professional-type adult, to spend half the morning pondering—once again—how it’s really time to figure out how to incorporate an exercise routine into your life, because you’re too sedentary, after all, plus those pesky ten pounds don’t seem to be losing themselves (go figure), and to simultaneously vow, as well, to start eating better, YOU REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME, because you’re getting older and it’s important, sheesh, woman, it’s time to make your health a priority…

… and to then look up a sinful chocolate cake recipe online because you’re joining friends for dinner and told them you’d make dessert and hey, everyone loves chocolate cake!

January 8, 2008 | Health is overrated

How can you top bringing the Mythbusters home? Why, with a fruitless day of searching for a simple item, of course!

Once upon a time, I had vision insurance. Vision Service Plan, or VSP for short. VSP and I were good friends. Oh, hell… VSP and I may have been more than friends. We snuggled on the couch and I whispered sweet nothings into his ear when he caused my glasses to cost me just $20 or so out of pocket. Oh, VSP! How I miss you!

Needless to say, I no longer have VSP. Haven’t for years, in fact. But thanks to the magic of having a second income in the house, now, I went for new glasses in December for the first time in years. It was very exciting! Because I’d forgotten what it’s like to be able to see! (more…)

December 28, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Health is overrated

… until somebody ruptures an eardrum!

(What, your family doesn’t have that rule?)

Oh, I kid. No one has a ruptured eardrum. I just WISH I had a ruptured eardrum.

So, um, remember that cold I had? My cold that was getting better? My cold that suddenly sensed I was over a thousand miles from home and decided to morph into FORM OF: EAR WEASEL and commence throbbing and itching and generally making me wish for death? Yeah, that cold. I hate that cold.

Why yes, I DO believe that cold knows I’m away from home and also, you know, not generally a fan of the sensation of a creature trying to nibble its way to my brain via the ear canal. Because colds are bitches like that. (more…)

December 18, 2007 | Health is overrated, Job? Huh?

Today I am busy bemoaning the fact that I am sick (it was just a little cold until I wrote about it yesterday, at which point the fickle hand of fate gave me a mighty FLICK towards it being something much stronger and yuckier), and this morning after I got the kids off to school I sat down to work. And after about ten minutes, our internet went out. I am tired and cranky and hopped up on Sudafed, so I did the only logical thing: I whined until Otto said he’d take care of it.

He poked and prodded in our office, and then decided that it was indeed the cable company’s fault, nothing we’d done or any sort of hardware problem here. So he called them up.

I listened as he grew more and more aggravated, wading through their various menus. (more…)

December 14, 2007 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Health is overrated

A few years ago I was getting new glasses for Chickadee—whose ocular health I attend to with a smothering level of unwavering attention, owing to the pediatric ophthalmologist who saw her when she was a wee tot and assured me that it was good we were there, otherwise she MIGHT HAVE GONE BLIND in that one wonky eye of hers—and it occurred to me that MY glasses were sort of old. So I browsed around and found some frames I liked and when the optician asked if I had a current prescription I said—because my health is important, y’all—”Well, I can see okay out of these ones I’m wearing now. Can you get the prescription off of them?” And he did.

As a result, I am walking around in a prescription that is around six years old. I don’t want to get all technical on you, but in optical parlance that’s considered IDIOTIC, and so it came as a surprise to no one except me when I started having a lot of trouble seeing these last few months. But after endless weeks of squinting at the computer screen and daily headaches, I ran right out to see the eye doctor. (more…)

December 12, 2007 | Health is overrated

So, in the last post, there, someone left a comment that said something along the lines of “GEEZ, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO TELL US WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR ULTRASOUND?” And I felt all warm and fuzzy, because I realized that you truly care. Or at least that I’ve reached my goal of being so completely inappropriate and shameless that now when I don’t regularly update you on my boobs, you start to worry.

(My breasteses; let me show you them.)

I actually forgot to write about it because the whole thing was so anti-climactic, and also because I have been busy, you know, with things other than my mammaries. I have been, um, curing world hunger! And educating the downtrodden! And looking at faucets! And buying stuff at Amazon! (more…)

December 6, 2007 | Health is overrated

I can’t believe I ALMOST FORGOT TO TELL YOU about this. Heck, I almost forgot to tell Otto. It’s called REPRESSION, people. It’s a wonderful coping mechanism. I use it all the time. Like… ex-husband? What? I don’t recall.

(See how that works? It’s awesome.)

Anyway, some of you noticed that I told you all about my excellent adventure in the MRI machine a few weeks back but then didn’t post a follow-up. This is not because I don’t love you (because I do! I love you! each of you! and especially you, there, in the back!), but because I didn’t have any information to share.

Yes. You read that correctly. I had a breast MRI for “something suspicious” nearly three weeks ago, and the feedback was… nothing at all. (more…)