March 9, 2010 | Health is overrated

I’ve tried to ignore it, but I just can’t live in denial any longer. See for yourself:

1) It tells me that it hasn’t seen Ugly lately. [Ugly is a Mii the kids made who has eyeballs in his chin and a beard in the middle of his forehead. I'm pretty sure he hasn't been working out, like, EVER, on account of his self-esteem issues are pretty much a full-time gig.]

2) It never comments on the time when I’m on it at 5:30 in the morning, but the one day I wait until nearly 9:00 to hop on, it says, “You’re up early!” Wha?

3) It asks me how Monkey’s posture is looking lately, and then scolds me when I say I’m not sure. [News flash: Making sure Monkey is wearing clean underwear is kind of MY full-time gig.] (more…)

March 3, 2010 | Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Hello! Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I myself was starting to believe the hype, and that—coupled with several folks telling me of confirmed flu cases around here lately—sent me off to my doctor to make sure I didn’t have the plague, or anything. The good news is that I don’t have the flu! So that’s excellent.

On the other hand, this is the first time I’ve had an ear infection without knowing it. That seems like it could be a neat party trick, somehow, but actually the reason I didn’t know is because I also have a sinus infection, and as my ENTIRE HEAD has been throbbing for a week, one throbbing ear was hardly a standout. And to top it all off, a touch of bronchitis. I asked if she wasn’t POSITIVE I didn’t also have JUST A LITTLE leprosy, but no, she said she was pretty sure that was it.

It felt somewhat vindicating to be declared sick, particularly because the scale at the doctor’s office accused me of being several pounds heavier than the one here at home. KICK A GIRL WHILE SHE’S DOWN, WHY DON’T YOU. (more…)

March 1, 2010 | Health is overrated, Oh look! Something furry!!

I am sick. Lord, I am SO SO SICK, the kind of sick that has me looking back at last weekend when I got back from traveling and thought I was sick and going “THAT WAS NOTHING.” I can’t believe I even complained about the little sore throat and general malaise I was experiencing, then, because this weekend the germs staged a sequel, something that ends in “THIS TIME, IT’S PERSONAL” or “SNOTSTORM OF THE DAMNED” or somesuch. I don’t know.

Otto, of course, was away this weekend (“of course” because when do I ever get sick when there’s actually either nothing to do or someone around to help? NEVER, that’s when), and the kids had something Saturday morning, so I got them up and out and we did our thing and then we came home around lunchtime and I said, “You guys just play a little, I’m going to lie down for a few minutes” and then I passed out for three hours.

Sunday I’m not sure I ever really got out of bed, and the children will probably tell you this was the greatest weekend of their lives, on account of they got to play 5,378 hours of Wii. Awesome. (more…)

January 27, 2010 | Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

My baby would forgive me if she ended up going blind because I couldn’t figure out what the hell her various eye care professionals were smoking, right? I’m sure she would. I mean, it’s not like she’s ever mad at me about things that aren’t even my fault, or like she overreacts to the smallest provocation, or…

HAHAHAHAAAAAAA.

Holy crap, I’m doomed. I may as well hand her a voodoo doll and a white cane for her birthday this year, I think.

Perhaps it’s my fault. (Oh, who am I kidding? OF COURSE it’s my fault.) I should’ve taken her to her last eye appointment. But the yearly trek into Atlanta to see the Pediatric Wonky Eyes Specialist involves, you know, driving into Atlanta, and I try very hard not to do that if I don’t have to. So I’d suckered Otto into taking her, and I thought everything was all set. (more…)

January 15, 2010 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Health is overrated

It’s Friday, and that means I’m over at Five Full Plates with support and inspiration for this whole “getting fit” thing.

Or maybe I’m just gnashing my teeth and rending my garments.

Or maybe I’m still coming to terms with the reality that it may be time to pony up and buy a decent scale. Does anyone have a recommendation for a good scale that’s not too pricey?

Alternatively, does anyone have some chocolate they’d like to give me? I’m just trying to keep my arteries clear, people.

January 6, 2010 | Health is overrated, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

This whole “getting fit” and “losing weight” thing is completely screwing me up. For example: In the past, when something was unpleasant, I would avoid it. I like to think I lead a pretty Darwinian life. Exercise was unpleasant and made me sweaty and sore, so I opted to park my ass on the couch and eat cookies, instead. Eating less food made me less full, so I ate more. Eating fat-laden food made me happy, SO I DID.

Sigh. Let’s have a moment of silence for the good ol’ days, shall we?

Now I’m all CONSCIENTIOUS and HEALTHFUL and I have CONCRETE PROOF that it’s bad for me.

Listen, before I started exercising every day, I knew that PAIN = BAD. Now I voluntarily put myself into pain for 30 – 60 minutes per day and it has completely screwed up my self-preservation tendencies. Which seems like it could be a problem, no? Actually, it’s already a problem. (more…)

December 8, 2009 | Health is overrated, My name is Grumplestiltskin

Dear Dr. Jerk,

Mamas know. Mamas know when their babies are sick, and mamas know how their children react to pain. Do not roll your eyes when my child who has sensory integration issues complains that you are pressing too hard, nor may you prove some sort of point by pressing twice as hard on the other side (and then act surprised when he screams).

Do not smirk or make condescending remarks like, “Oh, REALLY?” when I try to explain to you that his assessment of pain being a “2″ on a scale from 1 to 10 means absolutely nothing on account of the aforementioned sensory disorder, as well as a general propensity to either downplay or not recognize physical discomfort. I know he is sick because I am his MOTHER and I can TELL. Do you really think I enjoy spending hours waiting around at your office so much that I would do it just for kicks? (more…)

November 13, 2009 | Health is overrated, My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Good news! Chickadee doesn’t have mono!

Bad news! Chickadee is apparently severely anemic! Worse news! The doctor is now out of town until next week, so sorry, he’ll call when he returns to talk about “next steps.”

Helpful tip: Do not ask Dr. Google about children and anemia. Seriously. Just don’t.

If you need me, I’ll be spending the day hand-feeding my child popsicles, buying her ponies, and also bleaching my brain.

[Edited to add: Got a second call from the doctor's office to schedule a follow-up, and this time had the presence of mind to ask for actual blood test results. Hi, my doctor's office is staffed by morons---she's not anemic, she's the OPPOSITE (blood count too HIGH). Don't Google that one, either. Nice to know the spinach she eats is working well as she's potentially harboring a deadly disease, though.]

November 11, 2009 | Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Chickadee has been malingering. Except malingering is really the wrong word, because I do think she’s sick… or sickISH… certainly she’s just plain not feeling great; but given her bent towards the DRAH-MAH and the fact that MALINGERING just tastes exactly like what she’s been doing—dragging herself around, looking all peaked and weary—I stand by my original verb choice. Last night in addition to the “my throat is sore” complaint that’s been around for a couple of weeks, she started adding in “my ear hurts,” and I could avoid it no longer: Today I took her to the doctor.

We waited for approximately three years (no, no I don’t have ANY IDEA where she gets that penchant for melodrama, why do you ask?) and then we were placed in a room and she was poked by a medical assistant. We waited a couple of more years and then the doctor came in and did the doctorly sorts of things one does. (more…)

October 10, 2009 | Health is overrated, Ottomatic For the People

So we were supposed to go on our last big camping trip this weekend, and we shopped and packed and measured out dog food and loaded up the camper and then I spiked a fever.

Because I am nothing if not able to ruin everyone’s plans without breaking a sweat. (Actually, I’m totally lying. The fever, you know… I was a little sweaty.)

Rather than TRULY ruin everything for everyone else, I assured the family that it was okay if they went without me. Because everyone had been so looking forward to it, and there was no reason for everyone to stay home just because I was feeling crummy. The kids were a little too quick to agree, and even went so far as to insist that Licorice was also really looking forward to camping!

So the whole lot of them left. It is VERY quiet here. (more…)