July 20, 2006 | I'm dating the television

I’m just sitting here thinking that I may need a new name for my pseudo-dating category. But that would require more thought than I’m willing to expend right now. Time! Time is at a premium! There are a million things to be done and never enough time in which to do them. Why waste precious minutes renaming a blog category when I could be… trying to pry open my windows.

(Once upon a time, someone painted all of my windows shut. I would like to hunt that person down and use his tibia to bang against the window frame every time I have to try to unstick things just to get a little bit of fresh air in here.)

ANYWAY. Hi! How are you? I am well! But my house is ailing and I had forgotten that Having A Man Around means Fixing The House. Whether I want to or not. (more…)

July 19, 2006 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

I love to have a clean house. I love clean towels. I love clean sheets. I love floors clean enough to eat off of (not that I’m in the habit of eating off of floors, but you know). I love a clutter-free living space, and I wish everything in the world was lemon-scented.

Clean is good.

Unfortunately, Clean has a kryptonite. And that kryptonite likes to call me Mama.

Let’s be clear: It’s not that cleaning was my favorite activity, pre-children. I am a basically lazy human. While I like things TO BE clean, I wasn’t necessarily all that interested in ACTUALLY CLEANING THEM. I mean, I would do it, because I’ve yet to figure out how to WISH things into tidiness. But it wasn’t something I LOVED.

And then I had kids. (more…)

July 18, 2006 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

As Chris noted earlier today, it has been Hot ’round here. Very Very Hot. Too Hot To Play Outside Hot.

I never realized there was such a thing as Too Hot To Play Outside, but there really is. I was driving back from some errands (oh, blessed babysitter: how I do love thee) this morning and heard on the radio that—in addition to being So Very Hot outside—we were having a day of dangerously high ozone levels, and so it was recommended that all children, elderly, pets, and anyone who likes to breathe oxygen stay inside as much as possible.

[This, by the way, confuses me. First, isn’t there a troublesome hole in the ozone layer? But we have TOO MUCH ozone? Can’t we just use it to plug up the hole? Second, why is there LESS ozone inside my house? Do I have an Ozone Filtration System? Do I need to put rock salt into it periodically?]

(more…)

July 17, 2006 | What do I do all day?

The kids and I made ice cream today. It turns out that putting chocolate chips into a ziploc bag and then beating the crap out of them with a rolling pin results in holes in the ziploc bag along and unchanged chocolate chips. Dumping those same chocolate chips into the blender results in very tasty chocolate dust, which can later be added to mint ice cream and enjoyed after dinner.

This was important, because other than church and the grocery store, we went nowhere and did nothing today. It was about 150 degrees outside, too. And we were still recovering from yesterday. At least, I was. So in exchange for being trapped in the house together, I offered up a lesson in custard bases.

Other than making ice cream, I’m sure I did lots of other important things today. I just can’t remember what any of them are. But, um, I do know that I wrote this post. You should read it. And then make your kids some ice cream, to celebrate your neglect of them! Wooooo!

So, um, I would tell you more, but there’s really not much else to tell. I am boring. But if you want to come on over for ice cream, please do, because we have kind of a lot.

[Bonus: Keep an eye out at Want Not for a special! guest! post, coming soon. That is code for “I didn’t know something and so I batted my eyelashes at someone who did.”]

July 16, 2006 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I’ve been trying to remember all day, what that animal at the end of Dr. Doolittle (the book, not the movie) is called. I think it’s a Pushme-Pullyou.

That’s what I should’ve dubbed Chickadee.

Monkey had a birthday party at a local kids’ museum to go to, and I called the birthday mom to ask if she thought there was enough age-appropriate stuff there for Chickadee; if so, I would buy us tickets and we’d come in as well. Oh, she said, we have several kids who aren’t coming. Just come on in and let her join the party. Was she sure? Oh, sure, they had other siblings coming, please just join us.

So we went. (more…)

July 14, 2006 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Forget talk; walk the walk!

In my continuing quest to make sure my children require therapy for the duration of their childhood and well into their adult years, today I took them to the mall. Dressed as cows.

Yes, it’s okay. Take a moment to soak that up. It was 97 degrees outside, and I dressed them as cows and took them to the mall. Because I am the Greatest. Mother. EVER.*

But this reminds me (and what a nice segue) to point out that if you are planning on acquiring a men’s or ladies’ special edition, 3-Day-supporting, ultra-super-cool Woulda Coulda Shoulda t-shirt, you need to do so by the end of next week. The shirts will be available until July 22nd and then they will be gone forever. (I need to have time to tally it up and get the funds deposited into my walk account.) (Not to mention that then I need to start freaking out about BlogHer.)

Hey, not everyone can pull off being dressed like a cow. But everyone needs a cool t-shirt for a good cause….

*Lest you think I’m horrible, they were TOTALLY into it. Also they enjoyed their kids’ meals very much, and it’s the first time Monkey’s ever eaten at Chik-fil-A because they cook everything in peanut oil and we avoided them like the plague while he was still allergic. Plus their meals came with TOYS and you know that I NEVER buy them food that comes with toys. They thought they’d died and gone to bovine heaven.

It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Today was a positively magnificent day. MAGNIFICENT. Superb. Stupendous. Roget would have a field day with the last 24 hours, so replete with fantabulous synonyms as it was.

I got a decent night’s sleep. Work is going well. The children behaved. I finished up a bunch of things I’d been putting off. People, MY HAIR LOOKED GOOD. I am so not kidding you about what a good day it was.

In fact, I was even able to get my sitter on short notice for a choir rehearsal I hadn’t known we were having tonight. This was a good thing, because apparently we’re having some sort of Big Thing this summer for which we’re singing approximately ninety pieces of music that I’ve never seen before. Even THAT was perfectly fine. There was iced tea at rehearsal! I love iced tea! (more…)

July 12, 2006 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

My children have discovered this World Wide Web thing, and my life may never be the same.

We were riding along in the car today, on our way home from grocery shopping, and Chickadee piped up from the back seat: “Mama, when you were a kid, and you didn’t have computers, what did you DO if you wanted to know something about something?” I suggested that I was going to need just a WEE BIT more information to go on, to answer that question, and she continued: “I mean, what if you wanted to find out the state bird or whatever?”

When I told her we would go to the library, she LAUGHED AT ME. “They don’t have EVERYTHING at the LIBRARY!” she scoffed.

I wish I was eight again. It must be nice to know everything. (more…)

July 11, 2006 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I am one to sit around and PONDER, because I am fond of the pondering. And the talking. I would be happy to talk while I ponder, or perhaps talk after I’ve pondered, or even talk BEFORE I ponder (just to warm up!), but if I could sign up for just pondering and talking? I’d so be there.

So on the one hand, today was awesome, both because of my natural propensity for the pondering and the fact that my phone rang off the hook all day long with people who knew I’d had a ponderous weekend and wanted to know what I’d concluded. This resulted in talking, which led to more pondering!

On the other hand, there were things to be done and children to be dealt with and a marked lack of sleep. Damn life getting in the way. (more…)

July 10, 2006 | Growing

… all after I’d already gotten to the airport. I’m SO GLAD I gave them my cell phone number so that they could… send me email letting me know that the plane was delayed. Those people at Orbitz are ALWAYS THINKING! Why call me there at the airport when I might’ve found the information useful? So much better to find out—after I get back home—that my plane is late. Yes.

I am typing with two fingers and only one eye open, but figured I’d dash this off before turning in. What’s another half an hour once you’re up this late? (more…)