December 17, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I sometimes bitch and moan about things like teacher gifts, and it is primarily because I’m pretty good at bitching and moaning and not, in fact, because I hate teacher gifts. I actually sort of love doing teacher gifts. I like wrapping up multiple identical gifts. I enjoy layering different kinds of cookies into tins. I always get a smile out of the cards the kids make.

And it makes it feel like Christmas.

That’s a very welcome thing, right now, when—trees and lights and all other signs to the contrary—I’m generally not overly full of the holiday spirit.

But my kitchen counter IS full. Of cookies and paper and hot cocoa and bows and buckets and maybe even gratitude. (more…)

December 16, 2009 | My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I seem to be on an F kick lately. I cannot imagine why. I’m sure it has nothing to do with a barely-even-subliminal desire to say a DIFFERENT word that starts with F, repeatedly. No no, of course not. It’s not as though I’d like to stick my head out the window right now and bellow…

… um, Frankenstein. Ahem.

After yesterday’s fudge incident (and yes, there are recipes that use evaporated rather than sweetened condensed, but then they call for things like marshmallow fluff, which I also didn’t have) I instead opted to make a giant batch of cookies and say “Screw fudge! Fudge is stupid!” I’m pleased to report the cookies came out just fine. I mean, I think they did. It’s not like I can actually eat them. Motherfrankenstein.

It’s all part of Operation Thank The Teachers For Narrowly Saving My Sanity. (more…)

December 15, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Alternate title: Why it’s not a good idea to go to the store while you’re distracted.

Alternate alternate alternate title: Maybe the teachers really want some potato chips for gifts this year?

This is going to completely blow your mind, so I hope you’re sitting down. Okay? Okay.

It turns out that EVAPORATED MILK is not, in fact, the same thing as SWEETENED CONDENSED MILK. It’s true! And handy to know if you think you’re baking fudge today, you moron.

You’re welcome.

December 14, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Job? Huh?

So we have something of an ongoing saga happening here, and it’s one of those things where I’m never quite sure how much to say and how much to just bite down VERY FIRMLY on my tongue, but suffice it to say that I was participating in a test drive program for some SUPERCOOL and VERY SHINY large objects upon which we rely for things like clean clothes and food free of botulism, and instead of being supremely awesome it has, instead, been a carnival of How Many Things Can Go Wrong? How About One More? No, How About Two More? Hey, You Didn’t Want These To Work, Did You? Etc. And although I still believe that it will all be okay in the end (I also believe in unicorns, by the way), it has involved MANY deliveries and service calls and hours upon hours of People In My House.

(Moral of the story: You get what you pay for. Remember that before accepting things which are free, is all I’m saying.) (more…)

December 12, 2009 | Ottomatic For the People

I have this thing I say about marriage, and I’m sure there are some perfectly nice readers out there I am about to deeply offend with this, but I’m going to share it anyway so that you can kind of understand where I’m coming from. Here it is: I believe anyone can make a mistake—particularly if they got married very young, as I did—and I think nearly anyone can find themselves divorced once. But if you’ve gone through TWO divorces, I think it may be time to stop and admit that you are just not very good at being married.

I share this to make it clear that despite the fact that I happen to be madly in love with my husband, I am also keenly aware that I have used up my Marriage Mistakes. I work hard on this marriage thing with Otto, because I fully intend to do a better job this time than I did last time. (Also, I am allergic to cats, and if we get divorced I will have to admit I’m bad at marriage and then I will have to be a crazy cat lady, which is difficult when you’re allergic and asthmatic. Just saying.)

At the same time, marriage is hard, parenting is even harder, and there are a million things that can and do get in the way a lot of the time. (more…)

December 11, 2009 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I just set my Facebook status to:

Mir is off to see the wizard! Or at least the new pediatrician, who would pretty much have to bite the head off a live chicken to be a worse option than the last doctor.

(And that’s about all I have to say about THAT, right now.)

While I go make nice, perhaps you’d like a peek into my reasoning when it comes to groceries. I’m pretty sure it’s exactly as neurotic as you’d expect.

December 10, 2009 | Friends, Growing

‘Tis the season to be swept away on a wave of annoyances. I’m prone to agonizing over minutiae, anyway, and I don’t think anyone could or does fault me for the things that often aggravate me these days—the kids’ health, various family matters, work, school… you name it, there’s stress attached. And whether it’s a “good” reason to get upset or not, the fact remains that I fret. Endlessly.

I want to take care of everyone. That’s what I do. I want to soothe the savage hormone beast, make school a happy place again, and hear Otto talk about work without a multitude of heavy sighs. I want my parents to smile and my friends to relax. Is it really so much to ask that I be omniscient and omnipotent and that I be able to fix everything for everyone??

(Uh, don’t answer that.) (more…)

December 8, 2009 | Health is overrated, My name is Grumplestiltskin

Dear Dr. Jerk,

Mamas know. Mamas know when their babies are sick, and mamas know how their children react to pain. Do not roll your eyes when my child who has sensory integration issues complains that you are pressing too hard, nor may you prove some sort of point by pressing twice as hard on the other side (and then act surprised when he screams).

Do not smirk or make condescending remarks like, “Oh, REALLY?” when I try to explain to you that his assessment of pain being a “2″ on a scale from 1 to 10 means absolutely nothing on account of the aforementioned sensory disorder, as well as a general propensity to either downplay or not recognize physical discomfort. I know he is sick because I am his MOTHER and I can TELL. Do you really think I enjoy spending hours waiting around at your office so much that I would do it just for kicks? (more…)

December 7, 2009 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Oh look! Something furry!!

I’m a sucker for Christmas. Oh, I could tell you it’s because I didn’t come to Christianity until later in life or that it’s because of faith and hope and such—and both of those things happen to be true—but the truest explanation is simply that it’s shiny and pretty and the closest I come to GOODWILL TOWARDS (HU)MAN all year. It’s festive. And twinkly. And shut up.

So this weekend I was giddy, pulling out the Christmas decorations, setting lights just so, and even placing our faux mistletoe ball in the doorway by the bottom of the stairs. (Why no, I never do tire of a solid month of “KISS ME! KIIIIIIISS MEEEEEEE!!!” every time a child comes skidding to a stop there.)

Last night we fell to decorating the tree, and all was right in my world. (more…)

December 6, 2009 | Oh look! Something furry!!

Me, just now, to the dog: Would you like a yummy fresh breath stick? Because if you don’t stop licking my face, I’m pretty sure I’m going to puke on your head. Your breath is PUTRID.

Suggestions on your favorite doggie-breath-freshening products are welcome. Because GOOD GOD.