So the inmates are running the asylum

by Mir on May 21, 2013 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Oh look! Something furry!!

Summer vacation, man. Things are crazy already, and it’s only the second day.

I think tomorrow I’ll be able to direct you to a post about my summer philosophy (spoiler: Now with fewer Give A Craps!), but for today all I can tell you is that we ate all the strawberries we picked last week and we had to go pick some more. Also there are more teenagers lurking around here than I remember giving birth to, but I am a little afraid to do a headcount. Everyone seems happy, so it’s okay. Also we have a lot of strawberries.

ALSO my darling daughter has completely lost her mind discovered her nurturing side. You see, yesterday the Bug Guy came to spray, and while he was out spraying on the deck, a GIANT cockroach palmetto bug ran in through the deck door, and Chickadee decided to rescue it. AS YOU KNOW, I was already planning to burn the house down, but the new resident is making that decision even easier.

“He has EPILEPSY!” she declared. It seems he may have gotten sprayed on the way in. It scrambled his brains just a little. [WARNING: Pic after the jump.] (more…)

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Why am I even surprised?

by Mir on May 20, 2013 in My name is Grumplestiltskin

We knew, not even very far into it, that fixing the pool was yet another Curse Of Casa Mir project, doomed from the start. What could go wrong, would go wrong. Obviously.

Much went wrong. So much went wrong, they had to redo the liner entirely, which meant the first one was taken away and a second one installed last week. EVERYTHING IS FINE NOW, they assured us. LOOK THIS LINER IS PERFECT, NO PROBLEMS, PLEASE DO NOT PUNCH ME IN THE FACE, they said. (The “please do not punch me” part was possibly implied. I never threatened to hit anyone. Not out loud, anyway.) They came while Otto was teaching his summer class and took out the old liner and put the new one in and then scampered out of here as fast as they could, probably because they knew I am a woman on the edge and also Mr. Completely Unflappable was considerably flapped by this entire adventure.

Otto came home; we finished filling up the pool, and then commenced dumping all the chemistry in the world into the water, to the tune of several hundred dollars. (Why do I mention this? The liner itself was a 4-figure job, why split hairs about the cost of the chemistry? BECAUSE I AM BITTER, THAT’S WHY.) When you start from scratch, there’s a bunch of stuff that has to go into the water. The salt for the chlorinating system, plus stabilizers and pH balancers and I don’t even know what. All I know is that we dumped and stirred and then I said to Otto, “Wouldn’t it be funny if we went to turn it on and the filter doesn’t work, after all of this?” (more…)

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Strawberrypalooza

by Mir on May 17, 2013 in What do I do all day?

Some days I have a ton of work to do, deadlines coming out of my ears, and also there is laundry to be done and the kitchen is a mess and the dog needs a bath and my children are needy in various ways, and because I am a professional and also a master of life balance I look around and say, “Screw it. Let’s go pick strawberries.”

So we do.

(more…)

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Insomnia logic

by Mir on May 16, 2013 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

3:01 AM: Huh. I appear to be awake.
3:03 AM: I’m still awake. Do I have to pee? Maybe I have to pee. I think I have to pee. But if I get up, then I’ll never fall asleep again.
3:05 AM: I probably don’t really have to pee. If I just lie here quietly I’m sure I’ll fall back asleep.
3:10 AM: Do I have to pee?
3:15 AM: Does Otto snore this loud all the time and usually I’m asleep, or am I awake because JESUS CHRIST I AM SLEEPING WITH A LAWN MOWER?
3:16 AM: He’s adorable when he’s snoring, though.
3:17 AM: Do I have to pee?
3:18 AM: No, sure, fine, just keep on peacefully sleeping while I stare at the ceiling. THANKS, HONEY. At least one of us is sleeping! (more…)

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School’s out for summer (or maybe forever)

by Mir on May 14, 2013 in Aspi(e)rations, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

So in the midst of everything else, we thought it would be a supergreat and totally not at all crazy idea to change Monkey’s schooling YET AGAIN. Because what Aspies love more than anything else is CHANGE! Yes. Except no. And lord knows things have just been SO BORING ’round here.

(The alternate version of this story is that Hippie School—lovingly dubbed thus two years ago when it was still mostly a joke—is undergoing some changes and growing pains, and after careful consideration, we feel the program which has so nurtured him for the past two years is just not going to meet his needs anymore, moving forward. I like the first version better, though.)

Today was Monkey’s last day, and so we swung by the store on the way home to buy some Pokemon cards to ease the sting. Next year we’ll continue homeschooling, and then… well, we have a lot of decisions to make about what he’ll be doing for high school. We’ll see.

In the meantime, if you are one of those I-could-never-homeschool types, I feel you. My latest post over at Alphamom is all about how I never could’ve, either, but then I did, and it’s been kind of awesome.

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Backyard metaphors

by Mir on May 13, 2013 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Hey, how about we don’t talk about that thing. Or that other thing, either. Okay! Great!

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my vegetables. Quality time, you understand. I pull grass up out of the boxes a blade or two at a time and marvel at the plants that flourish seemingly in spite of me and try to coax the puny ones back to vigor. It’s very soothing.

In the meantime, I can’t help but notice how beautiful our big oak out back looks when reflected in the swampy murk that is currently the pool:

If I were a deeper person I’d probably make a comment about seeing beauty even in what’s broken, but because I’m not, I’ll just say that allegedly the pool guys are coming tomorrow. We’ll see.

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Food, pain-in-the-ass foooooood

by Mir on May 9, 2013 in Health is overrated, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

If you’ve been around here for any length of time, you know that food and I enjoy a close, fulfilling relationship. Other than that whole gluten thing, food has generally been good to me (maybe a little TOO good to my thighs, but it means well) and I love to eat. I eat just about everything. Food good! Food delicious! I very much like food!

(I’m not sure how or why I turned into a bizarre cross between Cookie Monster and the Hulk just then. Forgive me.)

Having a kid who has a complicated relationship with food has been one of those things where my internal How To Handle It computer simply returns a “COPING METHOD NOT FOUND,” 404 Error style. Because it’s FOOD. And food is DELICIOUS. Also COMFORTING and did I mention DELICIOUS and also what do you MEAN you’re not hungry? I am not innately programmed to deal with this. I don’t know if anyone is. You can like food, love to cook food, like to bake, enjoy feeding your family, and BAM! Here comes life, and its various fangs and claws, and hey, howzabout you figure out how to get this kid to gain 15 pounds like, right now?

Life is kind of a demanding asshole. (more…)

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Still bumbling through it

by Mir on May 7, 2013 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Ottomatic For the People

You know what’s weird? This coming weekend will mark Otto’s and my 6th year wedding anniversary. Married for six years! And still speaking to each other! And also making out occasionally (you know, when there’s nothing good on television)!

This makes me an expert on all things remarriage and such, of course. Except not. At all.

Naturally this means that I have a new post up over at Alphamom, all about the secret to successfully blending a family. My advice is worth exactly what it costs you! (I hope you’ll come check it out, anyway.)

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Indignations

by Mir on May 6, 2013 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Remember when Georgia was in a drought? And whenever it rained, people all but danced in the streets? Good times, man. Good times.

Er, technically we are still in a drought. I don’t know who decides this or how they determine that we are no longer… ummm… drought-y, but TECHNICALLY we are still in a drought. Even though it’s been raining for upwards of a month, now. (It has not really been raining for a month. I mean, it has, but not continually. It just feels that way.) (Are you there, God? It’s me, Mir. I would like my hair to stop being the size and style of a full-grown poodle perched atop my head, now, please.)

Anyway. Clearly I do not want us to still be in a drought. But the constant rain is making EVERYONE cranky. It’s gray and cold and damp and gross outside. It was spring for a single, pollen-infused week and then it was summer for two days, and it’s been Whoops Are You Sure You Didn’t Accidentally Move To Seattle ever since. It’s unnerving for those of us who were primed to be bitching about how hot it is, by now. It is too cold and disgusting out for people to bless your heart, people! This is a true southern CRISIS. (more…)

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How to gross out a teenager (or two)

by Mir on May 2, 2013 in Haven't been hit by lightning yet!, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I’m coming to a place where I believe the teenage brain may indeed be so hormone-addled that basic connections of common sense and cause-and-effect are suspended until further notice. MRI imagining would reveal that teen brains light up when shown caramel brownies, but those same brains can look at unfinished homework and angry teachers and ask what’s on television, and also, hey, are any of those brownies left?

You would think that having once BEEN a teenager would allow a parent to better understand this phase, but you would be wrong. I can’t follow their logic, no matter how hard I try. And for some odd reason, calmly asking one of them if maybe, just maybe, they’ve suffered brain damage since you last conversed is not seen as nurturing or helpful.

I’m not sure they even understand each other, unless “understanding how to piss each other off” is a manifestation of said understanding. And I used to think that was just a sibling thing, but now I’m hearing about it amongst supposed friends, so I don’t know. Basically they’re all playing from a secret rulebook that changes constantly, but we’re the stupid ones for not knowing the rules. (more…)

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