Fantasy meets Reality

I’m just sitting down to breathe, now. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Much better. The kids are in bed, all the paperwork Chickadee brought home for me is filled out, tomorrow’s lunches are packed, and I interviewed and lived to tell the tale.

The Fantasy:
I have most of the day before my interview to relax, unwind, and prep at a leisurely pace. I arrive early and fully prepared.

The Reality:
After I drop the kids, I go to the store for a portfolio to carry. I am halfway out of the shower when I realize I didn’t shave my legs. I am fully dressed and wondering why I feel funny when I realize I forgot to put on a bra. The first pair of pantyhose have a run; the second pair twist around into a tourniquet on my left leg until I remove them and start over. The perfect pair of (new) shoes I’d picked out had fallen off my heels twice by the time I made it down the stairs (had to switch to another pair). I spent so much time living my own private comedy of errors that I neglected to eat lunch, and this company’s campus is bigger than my alma mater’s so I had to park about eight miles from the entrance. I arrive barely on time, frazzled, and starving.

The Fantasy:
“Are you Mir Idiotboy’slastname? Come right in; we’ve been waiting for you. Our finest manager is waiting to interview you, and might I say that you are looking lovely and professional today!”

The Reality:
“Line forms over there. Go check in with the other 300 patsies.”

The Fantasy:
“I see here from your resume that you’re well educated, with a varied background. Let’s talk about why you’d be a great addition to Big Company.”

The Reality:
“Can you work lots of overtime? We require overtime from all of our employees, particularly during tax season. Can you work until 11:00 PM when necessary?”

The Fantasy:
“You’re exactly the type of person we need in Division DoGood. Oddly enough, your strange combination of experience is just what we need over there.”

The Reality:
Interviewer: Blabbity blah blah blah overtime blah blah OVERTIME blah blah blah. Blah?
Me: Um, isn’t it true that in Division DoGood overtime is less of an issue, due to the nature of their work?
Interviewer: Huh? I work in Division GimmeMoney and I don’t know jack squat about Division DoGood. They’re totally different.
Me: Right, that’s what I’m asking. As you can see from my resume, I’d probably be a good fit in Division DoGood. I thought that was the position for which I was interviewing.
Interviewer: Yeah. Um. You should talk to someone else, I guess. Hey, you’re right… looks like you’re just what they’re looking for, I guess, except that I don’t know anything about them. Well, it was nice to meet you. Go stand back over there.
Me: What the…?

The Somewhat Strange But Good Reality:
I was able to locate someone who actually had a clue, and basically had to narc on my interviewer and point out that he, you know, didn’t interview me. The bad news is that no one seemed surprised, but the good news was that I was passed off to someone from Division DoGood who talked to me for a few minutes and then took my resume to “personally hand off to the hiring manager” and told me she would make sure I was brought back for the next round. So let’s all have a very restrained, quiet, not-too-excited, non-fate-tempting WOOT and keep all those appendages crossed until we see what happens next.

And as if that wasn’t enough for one day….

The Fantasy:
I pick the kids up from daycare; they are thrilled to see me; Chickadee tells me all about her bus ride, her first day at school, her time at aftercare, and gives me an especially big hug and kiss in thanks for the note I put in her lunch.

The Reality:
I pick the kids up from daycare; they are having so much fun that they don’t want to leave; I extract tiny uninformative factoids from Chickadee under great protest. The bus was okay, the school work was too easy, her dress was covered in paint from some project at aftercare, and–my personal favorite–“There was a note in my lunch?”

(On your napkin, I told her. Oh, she said. They gave us napkins with our milk.)

But hey, we made it. All of us. And there’s a tiny glimmer of hope on the horizon. Also? There is a napkin in Chickadee’s lunch for tomorrow that says, “HEY! Read this napkin!!”

There she goes

Last night I not only set Chickadee’s alarm, I turned it up to volume “wake the dead.” She’s something of a sound sleeper. So this morning, when Monkey and I were making his bed and getting him dressed and I still hadn’t heard her alarm, I went into her room to see if maybe her clock was five minutes behind everyone else’s.

She’d turned the alarm off. And was sound asleep.

“Chickadee! Get up! You turned your alarm off.”

“That’s cuz I’m tired.”

“Oh, you’re tired? Well nevermind, then. Go back to sleep. That’s more important than the first day of school.”

“Mooooooooooooom!!” Heheh. I’ll have to be careful about that. By the second week of school she may just agree with me and fall asleep again.

Today, however, was exciting. Even though we did our first year of “real school” last year, Chickadee attended private kindergarten at our daycare center. (Public kindergarten here is only half day, so if you work–which I did, when the year started–and need daycare, you have to go private.) This meant that I drove her to and from school, and she missed the ultimate hallmark of Being A Big Kid: riding the bus.

So we got up and dressed and brushed and scrubbed and braided and fed… and we still had about half an hour. The kids asked to watch television for a bit and I agreed. They sat there while I finished writing a note on Chickadee’s lunch napkin (yeah, I’m that kind of mom… barf bags to your left) and getting ready. Then we took some pictures, and headed out to the bus stop around the corner.

We were early. On account of I got tired of the two of them bouncing around the house at warp speed. I figured they could run off a little energy outside, instead. We stood at the bus stop and made meaningful conversation for a while.

“I’m cold.”

“Do you want a jacket?”

“No.”

“Okay. Chickadee, put Monkey down.”

“I want her to pick me up! I’m cold!”

“I want you to stop. Do you want a jacket?”

“No.”

“Okay then. Put Chickadee down.”

“I like it!”

“Oh good lord. Nobody touch anybody else!”

“Okay. Mama? I’m cold.”

Then we were saved by the family whose driveway we were standing in. I may have mentioned before that I’ve found the whole Getting To Know Your Neighbors thing kind of difficult, here in New England. First of all, there’s the whole 9-month-long winter thing, which means folks just aren’t outside all that often for the majority of the year. Also, I find folks around here rather standoffish most of the time. I have no problem with being friendly and starting conversations and whatnot, but neither do I want to garner a reputation as That Crazy Loud Pushy Woman Down The Street. My reputation as That Divorced Woman is enough, thanks. So out of this house came three girls and their mom, and despite having been neighbors for several years, I had never seen any of them before. Ever.

So I stuck out my hand and introduced myself, and the mom had to shift her cigarette to the hand holding her coffee in order to shake my hand. I just kept smiling in spite of the fact that I loathe smoking and the smell of smoke, because I was Being Neighborly and saying “ewwwww GROSS!” is not a good way to start a relationship. (I know that some of you, even some of you whom I adore, are smokers. Do not send me hate mail. I do not hate smokers, I just hate smoking, and if you’re being honest, even those of you who are consummate slaves to the cancer sticks also know that smoking is disgusting.)

So we moms chatted a bit while we waited for the bus to come, and the kids didn’t talk to each other at all, unless you count Monkey’s running soliloquy (“My name is Monkey! And I am not getting on the bus, but my sister is, and I am here dropping her off, and then I will go with Mama in the car to my school cuz I am still just little but I really like my school and someday when I’m bigger I’ll ride the bus, too!”) while the girls all studied their toes. But I was mostly just grateful that my children didn’t start pointing out how disgusting smoking is, because that’s usually what they do when they see a person with a cigarette.

There are many semi-famous stories in my family about my antics as a child. One of the most infamous is the tale of my first day of kindergarten, when my mother dutifully walked me down to the bus stop with her camera in hand. I had been instructed to step up onto the bus and turn around for a picture, but when the bus finally arrived I was so excited that I flew up the steps and completely forgot to wave until I’d reached a seat halfway back. I waved out the window, but my mother was furious. And our photo album holds a blurry picture of my backside running up the bus steps. There is no greater taunt of a payback than a child just like you. This morning I tried to get a picture of Chickadee getting on the bus and all four girls crowded in so fast that I didn’t even get an adorable blurry tushie shot. I stepped up onto the bus, myself, to talk to the bus driver about the protocol for her getting off at daycare this afternoon. By that time, Chickadee had made her way to the back, been greeted by several thrilled cohorts (our local bus routes are plotted by drunken, blindfolded board members throwing darts at a map, I think… several of the kids she knew don’t live anywhere near us), and forgotten that I existed. It’s a good thing I had the foresight to take a picture of her back while we were walking out, this morning.

Monkey and I smiled and waved while the bus pulled away. We said good-bye to the other mom and walked back to the house. Monkey waxed philosophic the entire drive to school about how there were lots of kids on that bus and he couldn’t wait to ride the bus but riding with me in the car was pretty good, too. I got him settled in down at his classroom, then was wished luck on my interview by the director while I was on my way out. I thought that was very sweet. Sure, she has a vested interest in me continuing to have the money to pay tuition, but still.

And thus begins a new era for our family. I’m drowning any little “gah my babies are growing up” vibes in a huge cup of really good, over-priced coffee. After a while here I’ll go see if I remember how to put on make-up. It’s an exciting day for all of us. They are going to be so impressed with me this afternoon, they will hire me on the spot. Or I’ll cry and tell them I didn’t get a picture of my baby on the bus and are they trying to kill me? Yeah. I am Mama, hear me roar!

An afternoon in my mind

Does my outfit for tomorrow need to be ironed? I’ll have all morning tomorrow after the kids are at school. But I should probably just take it out and check it, just in case there’s some sort of Unforseen Outfit Emergency that I’m going to have to deal with, because I am not going shopping for interview clothes the same day as the interview. Phew, clothes look good. Which shoes? These ones? No, they’re scuffed. These? That’s not quite the same black. (God, I envy men their one or two pair of dress shoes.) These? Too strappy. These? Too clunky. Hello, where did these come from? These are awesome! And new! And designer! And I don’t even remember buying them. Yay me and my twelve pairs of black heels.

Does Chickadee’s outfit for tomorrow need to be ironed? Nope, looking good. Shoes? Sneakers. Surely she’ll agree to wear sneakers. What if she wants dress shoes? Well then she’ll be sucking it up and wearing sneakers. Ha!

Where’s her backpack? Did I put it… no, wait… maybe… okay, phew. Yanno, it might have been a good idea to empty it out at the end of kindergarten, in June, instead of just leaving all this crap in here for me to sort through, today. Oh well. Exactly how many rocks are in here, anyway? And fusion beads! A pox upon fusion beads! Maybe in first grade they won’t do fusion beads, please sweet lord, I cannot take any more of the fusion bead proliferation. Save me. Chickadee is glued to the computer… quick check to verify… yes!… evil fusion beads being buried in the trash. Eleventy billion scraps of paper, likewise. All this other stuff… I’ll put somewhere… later. A pile in the mudroom will work, for now. Backpack’s empty!

Milk money… milk money… where’s my pile of change…. Okay, gonna put this change in a ziploc in her lunchbag. Gonna put this change in a ziploc labelled “MILK MONEY” in her lunchbag. She’s going to forget to buy her milk. Her bones will rot and she’ll come home dehydrated. And yet, no one can say I didn’t try. Cuz I did.

What is that smell? Oh, the cantelope is ripe. Yay! Gonna cut that up right now before I forget. I can put some in Chickadee’s lunch; she’ll like that. (I could put some in Monkey’s lunch, too, if I was just interested in giving the cantelope a little vacation from home.) I love my melon baller. Okay, that’s done.

Okay, put the pile of school stuff in Chickadee’s backpack. Is everything here? Amazingly, yes. Wait, where’s the name/bus tag? I know I had it. Where is it?? Oh, crap. It has holes punched in it for a string, but no string. I have to find some string. I don’t have any string! Lessee… I have ribbon. Ribbon will work. I’ll tie it. No, it’s all slippery. It’ll come untied. I’ll glue it. I can’t find the good glue. Hmmm. I’ll glue it with Elmer’s, and then put tape on top of the glue. Sure, why not. I’ve already spent an inordinate amount of time on this neon green name tag, why not turn it into a full-fledged craft! Oy. Okay, glue, tape, bus number written nice and big. Make sure it fits. (“Mama! I’m on the skillway, take that thing off me!”) Put it with the backpack. I need to write a note saying she can get off the bus at daycare tomorrow. Okay. Then who do I give it to? I guess I just put it in her backpack. And resist the urge to sign it “Epstein’s Mom.”

“Chickadee! Remember to get off the bus at daycare, tomorrow! Will you remember?”

“Mom, you’ve told me that about two hundred times already.”

Oh, fine. If I’m this tiresome at six just imagine how uncool I’m going to be when she’s a teenager. Hmph.

I should get those sheets out of the dryer and fold them. Okay, back upstairs. Hey, I wonder if I still have any of that nice paper. I bet the ex forgot a box in the basement somewhere. I’ll go look once the sheets are done.

Down to the basement (pausing on the way to give the 10 minute warning to my little ‘puter addict). Empty the dehumidifier. I’ll start with this stack of boxes. Geez there is a ton of crap down here. Most of it his. Aha! Like how this box of premium ivory vellum is his. Correction, was his. Possession is nine-tenths of the law and all that, and besides, he already has a job. I’ll just put the paper by the printer for later.

I should probably find my briefcase. I have no idea where it is. Hmmm. I have this amazing briefcase my mom sent, but it’s been in quarantine in the garage since receipt because (like everything that comes from her house) it reeks of smoke. I should check it out. Ick. It’s better, but not fabulous. I’ll try spraying the inside with Febreeze, and then setting it out in the sun for a while. And crossing my fingers. And hoping that the people who interview me are all smokers with no sense of smell.

Okay, time to fetch the boy child. Off we go. He’s collected, and then we’re headed down to the ex’s, where I drop them for dinner. Back home again… this time to blissful silence.

Print resumes. Lay out clothes. Set alarms. Empty Monkey’s lunch bag. Start to pack tomorrow’s lunches. Go through the mail. Do dishes. Vacuum. Tidy up. Make phone calls. Keel over dead from exhaustive attention to all this minutiae. Wonder how in the world I think I’m going to be able to handle a full-time job and two kids and keep the house from falling down around our ears. Well, no matter, as tomorrow will be a little exercise in polish-me-up and reject-me-again, in all likelihood.

Thank goodness I’ve got my positive attitude to keep me going.

Fickle Frugal

It is totally okay that I went and spent every penny I saved on groceries yesterday at Trader Joe’s this morning, because food is necessary for survival. And I totally wasn’t going to survive without sweet potato french fries, guacamole, organic fig bars, and eggplant cutlets. Really.

Who let the boobs out

I was reading this post and found myself feeling very jealous that Melissa’s boobs got to go on an excursion. I mean, just look how happy they are! You go, girls! But what about me? Because, after all, everything is either totally about me or damn well should be. My girls want some action.

Let’s face it; last summer, I had a tonsillectomy (thank you, children, for bringing home the most vicious strain of strep throat known to mankind to take up residence in my tonsils). This summer, I had the hysterectomy. The way I’m going? I’ll probably end up with a double-mastectomy next year, because I am really running out of things to remove. And we all know that summertime may be misrepresented by the media as sun and sand and fun, but in reality (at least, in my reality) summertime is all about being sliced open and having troublesome body parts fished out. Yeah. You can see how my time may be running short.

Tonight, I lay on my bed with my children–freshly scrubbed and sweet-smelling–snuggled up on either side. I was reading along in our evening book when I heard definite giggling. I put the book down and turned towards my son. He had a huge grin on his face, and was caressing my breast with the delicacy and concentration of a great artist. (So lightly, in fact, that through my shirt and new slightly-padded bra, I hadn’t even felt it.)

“Stop that!” I said, while moving his hand away. But–I couldn’t help it–I chuckled a little. Which was, apparently, tantamount to saying, “Yes, please, this is both enjoyable and hilarious, feel free to use both hands.” A bit of wrestling ensued when I found myself fending off four hands intent upon groping me with a clumsiness that rivalled even the most drunken high school encounter. Eventually, order was restored. I issued my standard Why Mama’s Breasts Are Private And Touching Them Will Result In Years Of Therapy For All Involved speech. We finished our reading, and the kids went to bed.

Only, now I’m sitting here wondering two things. First, will anyone other than my demented offspring ever really look at my breasts ever again? They’re not spectacular, or anything, but, well, they’re boobs, and the last time I checked, 50% or so of the population was male. I’m not looking for full-out ogling, or anything, but the girls would probably enjoy an outing and a little discreet admiration. Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be in the cards for us any time soon. Oh well.

Second, when I go to add the money to the therapy fund over this, do I put it in for the kids or for me?

Inventory

Training wheels: Discarded.

Bicycle: Still a slave to gravity.

Temperature: Over 90 when we concluded that we’d had enough riding for today.

Air conditioning: Cranked.

Reader Rabbit 2nd Grade: Played for an hour (then I peeled the child off the computer).

My super-special scrambled eggs: Devoured for lunch to gleeful proclamations about how much Monkey hates them and it’s great he’s not home.

Coupons: Clipped and organized.

Groceries: Purchased, loaded, put away.

Savings between coupons and store rewards: $32.73. I rock.

Four fresh cases of Diet Coke With Lime: Purchased at $2.22 each and making me very happy.

Pipecleaner insects: Carefully crafted, and enjoying the pipecleaner flowers.

One over-tired little brother: Retrieved from school, and spreading exhausted crankitude to all in his path.

Cereal and milk: A delicious and nutritious dinner.

Showers: Coming up next.

Girls’ Days

Monkey started school today. Chickadee doesn’t start until Wednesday. Last year, Monkey went to school only three days a week, so twice a week we had some alone time while Chickadee was at school, and she complained bitterly about not getting the same. So today and tomorrow? Estrogen Central, baybee!

We took Monkey and all of his assorted gear to school, got him settled in (“You can leave now, Mama, cuz I’m gonna be pretty busy playing here”), and then went to Chickadee’s old room to visit with her teachers from last year. There was much hugging. I love her old teachers so much; I kind of want to grab them all, shrink them down, and put them in my purse for safe-keeping. Then it was back up to the front desk to puzzle out payment schedules and such. There is an advantage to having been a patron of the same school for four years; when I explained that Chickadee would be coming to aftercare but I wasn’t sure how many days, or when, and that it was all dependent on finding a job, the director just waved her hand in the air and said “we’ll only charge you for when she’s here, don’t sweat it.” That was a huge relief. (I am already having panic attacks over Monkey’s tuition given that I’m still unemployed.)

It turns out that Chickadee will be headed to her old school for aftercare on her very first day of school. That wouldn’t have been my first choice, but I have an interview on Wednesday afternoon. (This is your cue to cross your fingers, legs, toes, and eyes.) But today’s visit got her totally jazzed about her return on Wednesday, and in a rare stroke of luck, her regular bus is the one that goes to the old school, so the change to her routine will be minimal. Phew.

Then it was time to start our day of girlitude! First stop: Dunkin Donuts, because that’s how all great outings start in our family. We enjoyed a leisurely breakfast at this fine dining establishment, with me savoring my coffee and Chickadee managing to yammer non-stop inbetween slurping juice and demolishing a sprinkle-covered donut. Nothing but the best for my children. “This isn’t a very healthy breakfast,” she noted at one point.

“Nope,” I agreed. “But once in a while it’s okay.”

“Right! Cuz today is a girls’ day!”

And you just can’t have a girls’ day without some chocolate and sugar, right?

I’m finishing up a few chores inside, here, and next I’m off to find my wrenches. One of my biggest regrets about this summer is that we never did get in enough bike practice to get Chickadee riding without her training wheels. I’d promised her, back in June, that she’d be riding on two wheels by September. We’ve got two days for me to keep my word. If it doesn’t work out, well, I guess we’ll go get some more donuts….

Paint

Well, that last post was a laugh a minute, huh? I am nothing if not inconsistent… sometimes. *rimshot*

So hey, guess what! Even when I am feeling miserable and whatnot, I occasionally make the effort to pretend to be a productive member of society. And this can be difficult, because I have very few useful skills. I try to play to my few strengths. Now, the wallowing thing, I am amazing at that; it may be my greatest talent. But there’s not much call for it in social circles. So sometimes I have to play to my other strengths, such as painting.

Are you painting a room? You so want me there. I work for cheap (read: nothing, or snacks), I’m fairly speedy, and–insofar as one can be talented at slapping paint on the correct surfaces–I’m pretty good at it. It’s going on my resume, just as soon as I reconstruct it from those copies and disks I set on fire a few days ago. Anyway. Yes, I’m your woman for a paint job. My reputation is known far and wide (read: by every friend of mine who’s ever had to paint a room).

My friend Marcey had called upon me to assist her in painting her kitchen this weekend. I was thrilled. Okay; I’m weird. But, um, did you read that last post? I needed diversion. Badly. And besides, the last time I helped Marcey paint, we laughed so hard, my stomach was sore the next day. It was three of us for the family room job: Marcey, Eileen and me. Marcey and I had already done the trip to the neighborhood paint store, gotten the perfectly matched paint and all our supplies, and figured out The Game Plan. Eileen brought alcohol, and what’s interesting to note here is that she and I were drinking, but Marcey wasn’t. However, it was Marcey who engaged in a stunning display of manuevers that resulted in a paint can being dropped in the middle of the kitchen floor, spilling half its contents and denting in an entire side.

For a few movie-slow-motion seconds that stretched forever, we were all frozen. Marcey, crouched in disbelief over the ever-widening pool of paint; Eileen and I, rollers forgotten in our hands, blinking at the carnage.

“Wow,” said Eileen, finally. “You’re never gonna be able to get the cover back on that thing.”

“Yes, the cover is what I’m most concerned about at this moment,” snapped Marcey. And then we all laughed until we cried, while I ran to stand the paint can back up and scoop what I could back into it. We still had enough paint to complete the project, and even got the floor clean. But that was the birth of a never-ending supply of jokes about how if you wanted someone to throw paint on the floor, Marcey was your woman, or are you sure you want the paint on the walls, because all the coolest people just drop it on the floor, etc. When Marcey asked if I might be able to help her with the kitchen, I said I’d be there.

“Someone’s gotta come over and make sure you don’t hurt yourself,” I couldn’t resist adding.

“Shut up. I hate you. See you later,” she grumped. See how irresistable I am?

Marcey is in the process of beautifying her kitchen. Her new counters arrived on Friday, and her new floor will be in on Monday. This past week she single-handedly stripped down the wallpaper, as evidenced by all the wallpaper crumbs still hiding in every available cranny of the room. The wallpaper in question was ugly under the best of circumstances, but against new counters and flooring it would’ve been intolerable. To whomever designed the bushel baskets of apples print which isn’t even recognizable as such until your nose is three inches from the wall: shame on you.

So I showed up on Saturday night to paint. I started priming while Marcey tended to her daughter and got her settled in for bed. Periodically she would holler down the stairs that she was feeling guilty that I was painting her kitchen. I told her to take her time, I was fine. And I was. I finished taping the cabinets. I sang along with the radio. I rolled with gusto and then switched to the slanted brush to cut in around the edges. My mind emptied. I was being useful.

I was nearly done priming when Marcey joined me, and together we admired the paint color when we opened the can, then got the topcoat done in record time. Even though she’s having new vinyl put in tomorrow she refused to drop the paint on the floor for old times’ sake, so for entertainment I had to sit down squarely on the lid while I was edging near the baseboards. Ick. She laughed at me, of course, but in the final analysis I had one painted buttock and she was completely coated, so it was okay.

I wonder if there’s a way to get that painting zen mindset to linger a bit. If not, my kitchen wallpaper came in a close second for world’s ugliest wallcovering, so maybe I should start scraping.

Playing with fire

One morning when we were quite young, my older brother and I were up before our parents, eating cereal and watching cartoons.

“Wanna see a neat trick?” my brother asked me. Of course I did. My brother could make the sun rise, as far as I was concerned. He dug out some matches, struck one, and lit the corner of a paper napkin on fire. I oohed and aahed and then he blew on the napkin–to extinguish his tiny flame–and instead of going out, the flame doubled in size. He yelped and dropped the napkin on the carpet. I ran to our parents’ room and screamed that the house was burning down. My father came running and with one good stomp it was all over. Except for the scorch marks on the carpet. And the hairbrush (bristle side down) spankings that my mother administered afterwards.

Later in childhood, I never lost my fascination with the ability to focus sunlight with a magnifying glass until wisps of smoke began to rise. This was best done outside, of course, but I have a very vivid memory of sitting on my bed and methodically burning hole after hole into a sheet of paper. I stopped when I burned a small hole in the bedsheet.

I still find fire fascinating. But as an adult, you don’t light napkins for kicks or go outside and burn up some unfortunate ants. The occasional blaze in the fireplace, sure, or a rare night by the campfire, yes. I now have a healthy respect for fire and take all the recommended safety precautions. Because I’m a grown-up now, and I know to be careful. And I don’t want to get hurt.

Only, I still play with fire. A different sort of fire. I make poor decisions. I love people who hurt me. I get burned and come back for more. I talk the talk and I walk the walk and then I put myself in harm’s way because I’m mesmerized by the brightness of the flame and reason that I’ll be able to keep it from getting too close. It always gets too close. I’m left wounded and bewildered, trying to puzzle out whether this is the nature of human relationships or if there is something fundamentally wrong with me.

Then I retreat for a while. Curl up within myself, tend to my injuries; slowly journey back to health. Emerge restored. Restored, yet isolated; lonely. Where I am drawn, again, to the sparkle and the dazzle of those who will–albeit unintentionally, most times–singe me if I let them.

There must be a middle ground between seclusion and the inferno. I am weary of trying to find it.

The way-ay-ting is the hardest part….

Just FYI:

The period of time inbetween leaving a message at the pediatrician’s office and when the nurse finally deigns to call you back is more than ample to find multiple nauseating pictures of severe poison ivy rashes on the web. None of those pictures will exactly match what is now whining and spread on the couch before you, but they will make you rethink having a snack.

UPDATE: Ding ding ding ding! We have a winnah! Poison oak, anyone? I’m off to grind up oatmeal for a bath. My poor tree-climbing baby….

Things I Might Once Have Said

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