"Listen, honey. You're our least favorite kind of patient. You're young, you're healthy, and you tend to just not get it that you've just had major surgery and it's going to be a while before you feel yourself again." Well. That was edifying. Please allow me a moment to gather up my nausea, fever, pain, and--oh yes--my bruised and battered ego before meekly thanking you and hanging up the phone.... So that was yesterday afternoon, after which I did the smart thing, which was go to bed for the night. At about 4:30. It's quite amazing what fiften and a half hours of sleep can do for you. You...
Another exciting day of progress here at Post Op Central. It is barely 11:00 AM, and I have been up! I have eaten crackers! I have had nice cold water! I have showered! I have shaved my armpits for fear of frightening visitors if I didn't! I have donned the silky soft loungewear that Jill and Mindy sent me! (I love them, the loungewear and the ladies, and I wish to marry them all!) I have seriously considered vomiting! But I haven't! Yet! Still considering! Stay tuned! I have a visitor coming in about an hour, which is probably just enough time for me to get downstairs and... ummmm... die......
There is big news happening here in my house, and I know that there are hundreds--nay, perhaps thousands--of you out there, waiting with baited breath to hear every thrilling detail of my miraculous recovery. I do not wish to disappoint or even leave out a single marvelous detail of this riveting journey, so I am here to relay every moment with the full fanfare each of those moments so richly deserves. I am. I will. Just as soon as I pry the cap off of this bottle and take a couple more of these magic pills which take me from wanting to curl up and die all the way to giggling a little while...
No, that's not me after surgery. That's me, at home, reading Jilbur and Mindy's posts and laughing so hard my stitches threaten to let go. *wiping tears* Tis true! I'm home! And I owe my girlfriends many thanks and trinkets of appreciation, for not only did they hold down the fort and make me sound ever so much more heroic than I actually am, but they also had a care package waiting for me upon my return home (damn, they work fast!) and I am just about the luckiest uterus-less lady in the world, I think. So there. If you simply must have all your reproductive organs ripped out, this is...
Well boys and girls, I'm off to the hospital. I should be back online by Thursday or so. In the meantime, I've handed keys over to Jilbur and Mindy, so that they can pick up the mail and water the plants and let you know I'm alive... stuff like that. Let me just leave you with these parting words: reproductive organs? We don't need no steenkin' reproductive organs....
Would you like to know how much five days of cream for "elevated white blood cells in the cervical mucus" costs after insurance? Of course you would! $20.00. For five days. Though technically, I will only use it for four days, as yesterday I gave up without it. So that's $5.00/day. Damn. This had better be the most fantabulous thing I've ever put inside my... uh... well, you know. (I think I already said vagina and vaginal enough times, yesterday, to keep the frightening Google hits coming for quite some time.) Truly, this is the most action I've seen in a long time. Between this and the...
I take back any complaint I may have made--tacit or implicit--about my children's behavior yesterday. They are angels. Shortly after I finished writing yesterday afternoon, it started. "Mama, my tummy hurts." "My tummy hurts, too, Mama." "I haveta go to the bathroom...." Those four hours til bedtime? Never longer. But knowing what I then knew? Their behavior earlier in the day? Awesome. Also? I would like to personally apologize to anyone who was in the Shaw's Kid Stop or my local Post Office yesterday. Cuz... ummmm... I'm just really, really sorry. I didn't know. So we made it through......
I am not having my most fantabulous day. I didn't sleep very well, I got up and started getting ready for church... only to discover that discomfort was turning into stabbing pain... and back to bed I went. Probably another ruptured cyst. If you've never had a ruptured ovarian cyst, here's the medical protocol: 1) Call the doctor's office. 2) Wait for the doc on call to call you back. 3) Describe symptoms to doc on call. 4) Doc on call tells you to go to the ER for an ultrasound. 5) Head to ER, wait for 3-4 hours. 6) Have ultrasound. 7) Doctor comes in, looks at films, and declares it was a...
On the bright side: Theresa's decadent chocolate chip cookies did thrust me into minor celebrity status this afternoon. From the first bite, the heaping plate I'd brought to the doctor's office circulated around at light speed to everyone who remained, and several employees came over to me, eyes full of awe and wonderment, to ask what exactly was in these cookies. So I think it's safe to say they were hit. Also, nothing bad can happen to you in a place that has this blessing on the wall, right? (Discovered today when I used a bathroom I hadn't been in before.) On the down side: it seems my...
