This morning I happened upon Unexpected Disaster Mess #37 and blew my cool. I mean I lost it but good; the kind of scene where the children freeze, watch me with rapt attention, and then scurry away as quickly as possible before I decide to eat them. A plant had been upturned. All over a nearby stack of... well... stuff. Clothes, papers, a bunch of stuff I've been meaning to put away. Anyway, as per usual, no one had done it, of course. I launched into my "everyone makes mistakes but I can't help fix it unless someone comes and TELLS me" speech, and both kids insisted that it wasn't them....
How do you know when you have a keeper of a babysitter? Take this simple test to find out! You should keep your babysitter if: A) The kids love her B) She's reliable C) She lives across the street D) She's bright enough to call you "just to let you know" that a house a few doors down is on fire, there are multiple fire trucks and ambulances on the scene, and please do not freak out, they are all fine in your house, which by the way is not on fire, and also the kids are sleeping through the whole thing E) All of the above If you answered E, you're correct! You are also me! (So stop it,...
It's started already. People are falling under the spell of the new me with my fabulous new glasses. Fame and fortune are within my grasp; as is utter humiliation. To wit: The scene is the church kitchen. Choir rehearsal has finished, and I am hiding in the kitchen sucking down a cup of coffee before it's time to go upstairs for the service. I'm chatting with a fellow choir member. We are having a deeply spiritual conversation about the relative merits of various coffee makers. Him: So yeah, it works pretty well, but it has one of those permanent filters, and so the coffee always tastes a...
The following is an actual exchange I had on the phone with my father this evening. Me: I'm glad you're feeling better. Maybe now you'll stop coughing up green stuff. Him: Yeah. If I'm gonna cough up green stuff, I want it to be large-denomination bills! See? I can't help it. And the kids never had a chance. Case in point: I present, for your consideration, Halloween of 2003. Chickadee was Madeline, right down to the red pageboy wig. Monkey was Buzz Lightyear, complete with inflatable wings that hindered his ability to walk through doorways. They were cute. They were adorable. They were...
I was organized today, on account of today I had to take Chickadee into The Big City for her bi-annual appointment with the fancy schmancy eye doctor. Now, I know I'm revealing myself for the country hick that I am when I say that any time I have to go down thataway I plan my entire day around it. I don't mind if you know how much I hate driving in (or even near) the city. I am many things, but I am not a particularly aggressive driver, and I am not fond of those who are. So, for me? Heading down to Boston takes a certain mindset. First off, I came home from the grocery store yesterday with...
Yeah. Um. I'm kinda hoping Jay gives us a slightly more upbeat topic for next month's contest. Despite the myriad of stories from which I struggled to choose just one example of my grappling with insanity (yes, just trust me, I had lots of choices), it would seem that my last post left a thick cloud of The Serious in here. And--believe it or not--having completed the piece, gotten it out of my head and off my computer, I am not in the mood for gloom. Time to lighten up. So! A riddle, of sorts. What do you do when you're at church, lining up with the choir, and are suddenly accosted by an...
I should not be surprised when the neighbor's dog pounces on Chickadee a week before school pictures and leaves a horrible-looking scratch down her cheek. Neither should I be surprised that--in retelling this story to a friend--I am laughed at for belaboring the photo angle just seconds after saying that a millimeter to the left and she would've lost her eye. Friday nights are hard. Sometimes they are unexpectedly made easier with Instant Messenger. I am going to hell. My children will allow me to sleep in on Saturdays, if by "sleep in" you mean "come tattle on one another relentlessly until...
I have angered the athropods. I have made one too many of their brethren go splat beneath my shoe, sucked up too many important members of their legions in my vacuum. Now? I am a marked woman. Pride should prevent me from relating the details of my wasp encounter earlier today, but since when has that ever stopped me? So. If you must know, I was outside mowing my lawn, and I guess I must have disturbed a nest when getting close to the bulkhead in the back. As I turned away from that spot, a wasp landed on my sock and stung my ankle. I flicked it off and ran around front (not knowing how many...
I'm supposed to be over at church, right now, watching a video presentation about "Bad Girls of the Bible." It's the first session of a new study group, and even women who won't be able to attend regularly (which I will not, because I am going to be working soon you know) were encouraged to come see this "meaningful and surprising" video. Bad girls, bad girls, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad girls, bad girls.... Guess why I'm not there. Go on! Guess! You might think it's because every time this particular bible study has been mentioned, every woman's head...
