When insects attack

By Mir
September 25, 2004

I have angered the athropods. I have made one too many of their brethren go splat beneath my shoe, sucked up too many important members of their legions in my vacuum. Now? I am a marked woman.

Pride should prevent me from relating the details of my wasp encounter earlier today, but since when has that ever stopped me? So. If you must know, I was outside mowing my lawn, and I guess I must have disturbed a nest when getting close to the bulkhead in the back. As I turned away from that spot, a wasp landed on my sock and stung my ankle. I flicked it off and ran around front (not knowing how many of his brothers were also in pursuit), and saw a second wasp on my sneaker. So I kicked my sneaker off in the driveway and ran inside. After what I thought was a reasonable period of time, I went back outside to retrieve my shoe. But the wasp was still on it. So I carefully shook him off and moved a safe distance away and put my sneaker on. And got stung a second time (sneak attack). I went back inside. Watching my leg swell, I summoned all my courage. This was hardly fatal; I would go out and finish mowing. I went out back and started up the mower again… and was immediately stung a third time inbetween the first two stings. Whereupon I admitted defeat (or screamed and cried, whatever) and decided that I was finished for the day.

When I hobbled inside–noting that three wasp stings on the same leg adds up to a heck of a lot of pain–I found that a veritable horde of earwigs had congregated around the threshhold. While I’d been dancing with wasps, they’d all sent out the signals to their distant cousins that now would be a great time to come on in and get comfortable, because I was gonna be too slow to do anything about it. I managed to evict just one; the rest are now hiding in here, somewhere. Let’s see… they came in the mudroom door, which means they’re probably all hiding in our shoes waiting to pinch off everyone’s toes.

In the meantime, I appear to have yet another infestation of grain moths, which means that tiny little moth larvae inch their way across my kitchen ceiling with disgusting regularity. Every time this happens, I get all ikked out and end up throwing away half the food in my pantry in a desperate attempt to dispose of moth headquarters. I rarely find the source. Each tiny worm gives me another grey hair.

And let’s not forget my musical friends! I estimate there to be at least a dozen crickets singing the blues in my garage. When I open the garage door–day or night–I can watch the crickets run in as if this is the grand opening of the first cricket McDonald’s or something. They resist my attempts to shoo them back outside, and so late at night they can be heard mournfully chirping about their sad fate, left to perish amongst the empty cardboard boxes and gardening tools. Do you speak cricket? I think they may be saying, “We know the Big Macs are here. We’ll keep looking.”

If you see a cloud of locusts headed my way, don’t worry. Maybe they’ll eat the earwigs and scare the moths. Of course, they might try to kill me, but I’m not worried. I shouldn’t have any trouble fighting them off with my swollen, venom-filled leg. Ow.


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