I have very little to report, because I often try to stick to the whole “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” thing. Oh. You’re laughing. Right. Well, there is a small exception to that rule, you know, which is that if you don’t have anything nice to say but you DO have something funny to say, then go ahead. In that case, I go ahead.
Today I have nothing nice or funny, though I do have 2600 square feet of boat anchor around my neck, so if my posture is a little off, that’s why.
While chatting with Susan this evening and complaining that I had nothing to blog about (see above), she was kind enough to pluck items from our conversation and direct me to write about them. That Susan; always helpful!
And so I present the things which I can talk about right now WITHOUT crying, in no particular order:
Mowing the lawn.
The other night when my traitor mower started right up after I’d whined about how I couldn’t get it started, I only mowed half the lawn before the bugs came out and devoured my spleen. So this morning I went out and mowed the rest. (Wow. Isn’t this riveting so far?) Of course, I was wearing a ratty pair of flip-flops while I did so, and so by the time I was finished, my toes were green. Like, an hour of marinating in grass GREEN. Washing them didn’t remove the color, so I had to break out the little foot grater thingie and SAND THE COLOR OFF.
Whatcha up to, Mir? Oh, just GRATING MY TOES into fine shreds!
Buying shorts.
But first, I whined to Susan about how long shorts look stupid on me. Then I went out and tried on every pair of shorts in New England. Finally, following Susan’s excellent advice, I found myself some Dockers shorts that actually fit and flattered and all of that good stuff. (And then, like the brown-nosing student that I am, I came home and emailed Susan all about my triumph. “They have pork chop pockets! The legs are straight and wide! They hit an inch above the knee!”) I now own TWO pairs of shorts that fit (same shorts, different colors). I am debating going online and ordering a couple more colors. Boring, yes, but given how many pairs I had to try on before I found those… maybe I should just spare myself further dressing room heartbreak and stick with what works. Also, it is fun to say “pork chop pockets.”
Cooking stuff I find on them there innernets.
If you are not reading The Cleaner Plate Club please lean in just a little bit so that I can smack you. I always learn something interesting there, and when I saw this recipe I couldn’t wait to try it. Well, the kids and I had it last night and it was a huge success. A success to me because it all cooks in one dish, and a success to them because they both discovered that they love roasted garlic. And we spent most of dinner talking about vampires. So. (Oh, and Monkey would like to know what one eats to scare ghosts away, and wasn’t buying my answer that ghosts are friendly. What IS the appropriate ghost-repellent food? Anyone know?)
Buying shoes.
In an effort to soothe my current stress level, I have been surfing that bargain wave of looking for great shoe deals at Endless and then pricematching the results at Zappos. The other day I scored some Clarks boots for $22 (down from $130). It’s a great deal and I love the boots, but the high is somewhat diminished by having to put them in my closet until winter. Hmph. (Note to self: Find a deal on sandals, as soon as the tips of my toes heal.)
Your pockets came filled with pork chops? Man, you Americans get all the good stuff first!
I want to know why other women can find and wear shorts that look great on them? What is my problem?
Signed
Lumpy, white, pork chop legs
If you ask my 5 year old son, ghosts hate things that smell good. Monsters too, for that matter. Every night before bed, I let him go around his room with a can of air freshner and spray all the scary spots. That way he can sleep ghost-free. Something you can eat to keep them away…..maybe carrots? Yes, definitely carrots. Plus, they make you able to see in the dark. My mother told me so.
I’ve got a jacket with a special pocket for a cellphone, but I have never owned any clothing with dedicated pockets for meat products.
uh mir….you sure you’re going to need boots in the south??
Tell Monkey there’s no known natural remedy to the problem of ghost infestations, but there are some commercially available ones. I will stock up on this:
http://www.mactospray.com/ghost.html
Just in case the new house has a problem.
-otto
What in tarnation are pork chop pockets? You can’t just throw down a phrase like that with no picture.
I always buy the shorts in multiple colours once I find the ones that fit. Ditto pants, capris, and bras.
And yes, please explain the porkchop pocket. It sounds like something that would assist in sneaking away from the table without eating all your dinner, not something that makes your ass look great.
Okay, I’m chiming in to play the role of Nagging Mother. Are you ready? Here goes…
Mir! How could you mow the lawn in flip-flops!! You’re a smart girl and you were raised better. Don’t you dare do that again. You find some closed-toe shoes and I mean pronto, young lady! If I catch you mowing in sandals of any type again, well, there WILL be consequences. Do you understand me?
There! My children will be so thrilled that you caught some heat. Now there will be less to throw their way. How did I do? Did I sound like my own mother? (OK, you don’t know my mother. But I do, and I did. So!)Now I gladly relinquish the Nagging Mother role to someone else.
And ghosts? I have no idea.
Geez, people, do you not know how to consult your friend Mr. Google? Look at these to see pork chop (flat, rectangular) pockets. They are useful for not drawing even more attention to a wide hip area. You’re welcome. :)
Ditto Sara – DON’T MOW THE GRASS IN FLIP-FLOPS. Anything could come flying out from under the mower (even if you’re bagging) and cut your feet, or worse. Even a pebble at 40 mph will hurt you.
Didn’t your dad teach you better?
Please promise that you will AT LEAST wear a pair of tennis shoes – preferably something more substantial, something that completely covers your feet – when you mow.
You should also wear a pair of jeans or some equivalent pair of durable pant to protect your lower legs. Even in the heat of the middle of summer I wear long pants and boots (or heavy shoes) when I mow the lawn, and my kids do too.
I don’t know what repels ghosts, but I do know that they really, really like marshmallows. Especially the colorful kind.
…um. The colorful marshmallows. Not the colorful ghosts.
Thank you Sarah and Bob! I am spared giving the responsible friend lecture!
I was about go mow wearing nothing but a pair of Crocs. Well, and other clothes too. But now, I’m going to go put socks on. For safety’s sake. Because cotton is the new armor.
Mir WILL TOO need boots in the South. She might not need them so much for snow-shoveling duties, but there are all kinds of reasons to wear boots below the Mason-Dixon line. What if she wants to mow the grass? Ratty old boots are perfect for that! What’s she going to wear on a November morning when for some reason she can’t find a matching pair of socks? Boots! And let us not debate the necessity of Sexy Boots, regardless of climate.
But by all means, Mir, shop for some sandals. You’re going to have to throw those grass-stained flip-flops out, which gives you license to purchase another pair or two without guilt.
I actually am an expert in ghost repelling. Drama Queen and I found that 3 dried blueberries (prior to tooth brushing) repel all ghosts. Add a dried cherry and you will not be troubled by under the bed monsters either.
And I knew what pork chop pockets are. *preen*
Tell Monkey that keeping his room clean keeps ghosts away. They’re drawn to messes, don’cha know?
Okay, I just checked out Cleaner Plate Club and I love you. What a great blog! You need to come to CA so I can do nice things for you!
Congratulations on the shorts.
Please send shorts mojo over to southwest Virginia. Thanks.
Ghost repellent? Sheesh. Ice cream! I thought everyone knew that. If you eat ice cream every night for dessert, ghosts run away…they hate that stuff. Especially Breyer’s and Haagen-Daaz.
Really.
I’m absolutely sure you looked just great in those shorts – HOWEVER – mowing the lawn in flip-flops is NOT a good thing! Bloody stumps don’t go well with shorts and we won’t even discuss how you’d feel forever doomed to reconstructive footwear. I don’t think they come in pretty colors. Ahem – this can not be said enough since I see I’m not the only one to scold you.
Hmmmm! Susan lied, but we still love you anyway.
And, whoops, I forgot… Ghost repellent? Any vegetable that’s being served for dinner and two green M&Ms, plus a giant glass of wine for mommy (or in my case, Auntie.) All three have to be done together or they don’t work. ;> heh.
Isn’t there a neighbor boy who would like 5.00 to mow the lawn?
I wonder what the MACTO smells like…
You’re lucky green toes is all you got–bloody red ones would have been worse. Here in the Upper Left Corner, real shoes are a must for mowing the lawn, if only to keep the slug spatter off you. Besides, it’s another great reason to shop for kick-a$$ shoes! And take it from me, if you’re ever tempted to stick your hand beneath the mower deck WHILE IT IS RUNNING, a pair of heavy leather work gloves is also a good investment (what was I thinking!?!).
Have we ganged up on you enough?
Sorry about starting the avalanche of finger-wagging…
;)
You might need to rent “Ghost Busters” for Monkey. (Actually, come to think of it, I might need to rent it myself! :) )
I’d never heard of Pork Chop Pockets either, but I loved LyndaL’s comment. I can’t stop giggling about “dedicated pockets for meat products.” HAHAHA!
Ghost repelling food? Easy. Cheesecake, lots of it. I have absolutely no ghosts round here.
Sanding your toes? But Mir, you look so pretty in green!
Alala, that’s really funny, because *I* was sure that marshmallows *repel* ghosts. Where do you live? Because I was raised (Mir, take note!) in the South – with *pernicious* ghosties – and marshmallows, placed carefully along the perimeter of any room needing to be ghostless, always worked.
Of course, the bigger the marshmallows, the better, although the mini ones’ll work in a pinch. (Also in a cup of hot chocolate. Mmm.)
Um, Mir. You’d better be careful. Ghosts find green toes rather tasty!
Very impressed with the pork chop pocket. And do invest in several fall colors as shorts are in-season down here in Jawja through October.
Pork Chop Pockets??? Have I been under a rock that I have no idea what you’re talking about? Oh my. I need to get out more.
I think marshmallows repel ghosts. I only say that because of a distant memory from Ghost Busters, but that’s what I think will work the best. :)
Pork chop pockets! Pork chop pockets! Pork chop pockets!
I gotta get me some of those.
Cleaner What Club? I’ll have to check it out.
Meanwhile – found a couple sites on line that actually sell ghost repellent. Really. Here’s one: http://www.mactospray.com/ghost.html
Thanks for making me laugh. I’m having a crummy day, and your post tickled my funny bone.
I believe that it’s the atmosphere of the meal, not the food itself, that repels ghosts: red candles should do the trick.
And, um, I gotta’ go with Sara and Bob: no flip flops while mowing the lawn! A worse outcome than green-stained toes? No toes! Seriously. Careful there, girl.
Thanks for the link!
I own about 20 pairs of shorts, no kidding and you guessed it none of them fit! What the heck are pork chop pockets?
Shorts should be outlawed along with swimsuits. I love summer but the pain of buying swimsuits almost makes me wish for winter all year long. At least in winter we get to wear our snugglies and nobody can tell if we are really that big or if it’s our heavy winter garb.
Oh! I too love mowing in my flip flops, guess we’ll be missing some toes and writing about it one day. LOL