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It followed us home

After 15 hours in the car today (totally uneventful, really, other than the MIND NUMBING BORINGNESS and the fact that I got all loopy on diet coke and started misreading signs all over the place, including INSISTING that there had been a billboard advertising SEXY WAFFLES), I actually cheered with glee when we pulled into the driveway here at home. Then I opened up the car door and said, “ACK! It’s COLD!”

It’s 24 degrees here in Georgia. The water on our pool cover is FROZEN.

Nevertheless, I am looking forward to a night in my own giant bed (having a king bed is lovely except that it completely ruins you for sleeping on anything else) and the temperature is supposed to be back up to the 60s here in a few days. Soon, the snowbank I stepped in early this morning in New York (which filled my shoe with snow and caused me to spew obscenities before the sun was even up) will be a distant memory.

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It’s Christmas, dammit

Today is Christmas.

Yes. YES IT IS. Today is our little family Christmas, because tomorrow we get in the car for two days, and assuming that I allow the children to live until we get back up to New England, after that there will be the Big! Family! Christmas! and then Christmas with their dad and OH MY GOD I haven’t even started packing and there is so much to do and the laundry isn’t even done and I’m sure I’m forgetting something and tonight we are having Christmas here because I need a brief bit of “just us” time before we go.

Also, I refuse to schlep even more presents than necessary. Open your presents, kids! Like ‘em? Great! Go put them away! Now it’s time to go!

I would sort of like to postpone Christmas, and traveling, until everyone is healthy again, but alas, I seem to have misplaced my magic watch. (more…)

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Everything is JUST SO GREAT!

Otto and I stayed up past midnight last night, and I probably shouldn’t tell you what we were doing, but I can tell you that it involved a lot of licking.

Oh my GOD; what is WRONG with you???

We were doing our Christmas cards. Sicko. Sheesh.

It has generally been my policy to do Christmas cards only on alternate years when Mercury is in retrograde and I’m able to dig the money for the cards out of the sofa cushions, and then I take some pictures of the kids and Photoshop them beyond recognition or transplant a head from one picture onto the body of another or something, and then I send them out bearing some terribly personal message like “Happy holidays from our home to yours!”

Boy, are you lucky if you’re on my list. (more…)

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It really does keep me up at night

Wednesdays and Thursdays are the killer part of my week, possibly because I never work hard enough on Monday and Tuesday, and because it is against my religion to work too hard on Fridays.

Yesterday smacked me down hard and today isn’t looking much better, so instead of blathering on about nothing I will instead turn over to you the most pressing matter currently on my mind where you might actually be of assistance. (I mean, unless you want to write a couple of articles for me.) (Do you? Want to write a couple of articles for me? Lord, I am tired.)

It all started yesterday when we got into a discussion of Otto’s upcoming birthday and what the appropriate celebration would be. That, of course, led into a discussion of what Monkey wants for HIS birthday, and things spiraled out of control from there, as you might imagine. (more…)

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More than pie

I had pumpkin pie for breakfast, as I consider that the inalienable right of anyone who spends two straight days cooking. I’m sorry; don’t try to convince me otherwise. The rules are clearly such that the day after Thanksgiving means any red-blooded American must do a few (if not all) of the following things:

1) Sleep late.
2) Eat pie for breakfast.
3) Put away the (third) batch of Thanksgiving dishes that had been drying.
4) Start a pot of soup with the turkey carcass.
5) Announce that even though the fridge is stuffed to bursting with all manner of food, we need to go grocery shopping, because we’re out of milk.
6) Yell upstairs to the playing children “Have you eaten? No? You should eat something!” and then just leave them be, because really, they are not going to starve to death and they ARE playing nicely.

And that’s the true meaning of Christmas. Wait. (Oh, crap. Christmas. Number 7 is try to figure out where your Christmas stuff is.) (more…)

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The first 6 months of the rest of my life

Dear Otto,

Happy halfiversary! I’m sorry I spent most of it on the couch and/or unconscious. I guess the stress of the last week finally triumphed, and the germs just had to have their way with me this weekend. It seems like YOU having your way with me might’ve been a more fitting way to celebrate this milestone, but the germs will go away and you won’t, so there’s that.

(I have already sent your brothers running for the bleach, to cleanse their eyeballs. Sorry, guys.)

This weekend was momentous for two reasons: First, it marked six months since we got married (AND! it goes without SAYING that we STILL LIKE EACH OTHER!), and second, we are just one week from the end of The Year of Living Changerously (if, indeed, we keep it to just a year, which I might not, because I am a rebel that way).

Yesterday I managed to miss my exit on the highway WHILE I was using the GPS—which is sadly, not at all out of character—and still, you love me. Screw the Christmas miracle of the baby Jesus; THIS RIGHT HERE is proof that God works in mysterious ways. (more…)

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The road to hell is paved with justified purchases

You know what today is, right? No, no… not Halloween. I mean, yes, it IS Halloween, but that’s not what I’m talking about. OBVIOUSLY it’s Halloween, and I know that mostly because I spent three hours last night finishing Monkey’s costume, because I am nothing if not a champion procrastinator.

Today is the day our new dining room table and chairs are available for pick-up!

Oh, did I not mention that? About the dining room furniture? I totally meant to. I mean, inbetween NOT buying any furniture because THE MONEY, OH GOD THE MONEY and then HOORAY! IT’S ON SALE NOW! and this other big thing which was potentially going to cost a bunch of money and had me sulking around the house all I JUST DON’T GET TO HAVE ANYTHING NICE BECAUSE I’M A STUPID LOSER (yes, it IS hard being me, why do you ask?) and then that thing turning out to not happen—which sort of felt like FOUND MONEY—we then decided to buy the furniture and I totally meant to tell you about it. (more…)

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To love, honor, and motivate

When Otto and I got married, he was a 36-year-old bachelor. He’d never been married, never lived with a woman. People would elbow me and cast meaningful glances in his direction while joking about how it would take me a while to “train him” (as if he were a puppy who would require frequent newspaper smacks on the nose to learn not to pee in the kitchen), and his friends would shake their heads sadly while telling him “Dude, life as you know it IS OVER.” And I had been on my own with the kids for over four years; we had our habits—such as they were—and bringing Otto in was sure to make for some difficult changes, we thought.

I am not going to sit here and tell you that it’s all been smooth sailing, because change is hard. Period. We’ve all had to adjust and that takes some doing, plus it just takes time for new routines to feel comfortable. So has it been a cakewalk? Of course not. Has it been the stressful calamity some predicted, ending with Otto fleeing from the house to the safety of the garage—where no one shrieks about being touched or poked or looked at, where cups aren’t left to put themselves in the sink, where everything is where he left it and no one needs to sit on his lap right this second? Really no. (more…)

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No place like home

This weekend my dad and stepmom arrived for their first visit to our place here in Georgia. It’s been a long time since we last saw them, because we used to live within driving distance and now one has to be organized enough to make plane reservations, plus they recently spent the better part of a month in Australia because they love wallabies and echidnas more than me.

Not that I’m bitter.

Anyway, they showed up on Saturday afternoon and we were all very excited to see them, and also to give them the grand tour of our new digs. “Chickadee, why don’t you show Grandma and Grandpa your room since that’s where they’ll be sleeping,” I suggested. We all trooped upstairs to Chickadee’s room, whereupon Monkey had a fit because WE ALWAYS GO IN HER ROOM FIRST. (more…)

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. . . for my tote bag tells me so

This morning while the children slurped their Cheerios and I slumped at the kitchen table, half awake, sipping at my orange juice, Otto slid a section of newspaper across the tabletop to me.

PUBLIX GRAND OPENING TODAY, 7:00 AM!

I checked the clock. 6:45.

Chickadee craned her neck, allowing her to read sideways instead of just upside down. “MOM! It’s today! You should go right now! Otto can take us to school!” Methinks my daughter is tired of walking up and down the aisles at Kroger with me while I comment on the fruit flies, the gray meat, and the fact that no one seems to actually work there.

“Well, I don’t think I’ll go right NOW,” I answered, “because I’m just not sure I need to be walking into Publix in my PAJAMAS.”

“But MOM!” she continued, having read the full-page ad top to bottom, now, “You can get a FREE TOTE BAG!” (more…)

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