November 29, 2007 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience", The Year of Living Changerously

Wednesdays and Thursdays are the killer part of my week, possibly because I never work hard enough on Monday and Tuesday, and because it is against my religion to work too hard on Fridays.

Yesterday smacked me down hard and today isn’t looking much better, so instead of blathering on about nothing I will instead turn over to you the most pressing matter currently on my mind where you might actually be of assistance. (I mean, unless you want to write a couple of articles for me.) (Do you? Want to write a couple of articles for me? Lord, I am tired.)

It all started yesterday when we got into a discussion of Otto’s upcoming birthday and what the appropriate celebration would be. That, of course, led into a discussion of what Monkey wants for HIS birthday, and things spiraled out of control from there, as you might imagine. (more…)

November 23, 2007 | Ottomatic For the People, The Year of Living Changerously

I had pumpkin pie for breakfast, as I consider that the inalienable right of anyone who spends two straight days cooking. I’m sorry; don’t try to convince me otherwise. The rules are clearly such that the day after Thanksgiving means any red-blooded American must do a few (if not all) of the following things:

1) Sleep late.
2) Eat pie for breakfast.
3) Put away the (third) batch of Thanksgiving dishes that had been drying.
4) Start a pot of soup with the turkey carcass.
5) Announce that even though the fridge is stuffed to bursting with all manner of food, we need to go grocery shopping, because we’re out of milk.
6) Yell upstairs to the playing children “Have you eaten? No? You should eat something!” and then just leave them be, because really, they are not going to starve to death and they ARE playing nicely.

And that’s the true meaning of Christmas. Wait. (Oh, crap. Christmas. Number 7 is try to figure out where your Christmas stuff is.) (more…)

November 13, 2007 | Ottomatic For the People, The Year of Living Changerously

Dear Otto,

Happy halfiversary! I’m sorry I spent most of it on the couch and/or unconscious. I guess the stress of the last week finally triumphed, and the germs just had to have their way with me this weekend. It seems like YOU having your way with me might’ve been a more fitting way to celebrate this milestone, but the germs will go away and you won’t, so there’s that.

(I have already sent your brothers running for the bleach, to cleanse their eyeballs. Sorry, guys.)

This weekend was momentous for two reasons: First, it marked six months since we got married (AND! it goes without SAYING that we STILL LIKE EACH OTHER!), and second, we are just one week from the end of The Year of Living Changerously (if, indeed, we keep it to just a year, which I might not, because I am a rebel that way).

Yesterday I managed to miss my exit on the highway WHILE I was using the GPS—which is sadly, not at all out of character—and still, you love me. Screw the Christmas miracle of the baby Jesus; THIS RIGHT HERE is proof that God works in mysterious ways. (more…)

October 31, 2007 | Retail Therapy, The Year of Living Changerously

You know what today is, right? No, no… not Halloween. I mean, yes, it IS Halloween, but that’s not what I’m talking about. OBVIOUSLY it’s Halloween, and I know that mostly because I spent three hours last night finishing Monkey’s costume, because I am nothing if not a champion procrastinator.

Today is the day our new dining room table and chairs are available for pick-up!

Oh, did I not mention that? About the dining room furniture? I totally meant to. I mean, inbetween NOT buying any furniture because THE MONEY, OH GOD THE MONEY and then HOORAY! IT’S ON SALE NOW! and this other big thing which was potentially going to cost a bunch of money and had me sulking around the house all I JUST DON’T GET TO HAVE ANYTHING NICE BECAUSE I’M A STUPID LOSER (yes, it IS hard being me, why do you ask?) and then that thing turning out to not happen—which sort of felt like FOUND MONEY—we then decided to buy the furniture and I totally meant to tell you about it. (more…)

October 26, 2007 | Ottomatic For the People, The Year of Living Changerously

When Otto and I got married, he was a 36-year-old bachelor. He’d never been married, never lived with a woman. People would elbow me and cast meaningful glances in his direction while joking about how it would take me a while to “train him” (as if he were a puppy who would require frequent newspaper smacks on the nose to learn not to pee in the kitchen), and his friends would shake their heads sadly while telling him “Dude, life as you know it IS OVER.” And I had been on my own with the kids for over four years; we had our habits—such as they were—and bringing Otto in was sure to make for some difficult changes, we thought.

I am not going to sit here and tell you that it’s all been smooth sailing, because change is hard. Period. We’ve all had to adjust and that takes some doing, plus it just takes time for new routines to feel comfortable. So has it been a cakewalk? Of course not. Has it been the stressful calamity some predicted, ending with Otto fleeing from the house to the safety of the garage—where no one shrieks about being touched or poked or looked at, where cups aren’t left to put themselves in the sink, where everything is where he left it and no one needs to sit on his lap right this second? Really no. (more…)

October 22, 2007 | The Year of Living Changerously

This weekend my dad and stepmom arrived for their first visit to our place here in Georgia. It’s been a long time since we last saw them, because we used to live within driving distance and now one has to be organized enough to make plane reservations, plus they recently spent the better part of a month in Australia because they love wallabies and echidnas more than me.

Not that I’m bitter.

Anyway, they showed up on Saturday afternoon and we were all very excited to see them, and also to give them the grand tour of our new digs. “Chickadee, why don’t you show Grandma and Grandpa your room since that’s where they’ll be sleeping,” I suggested. We all trooped upstairs to Chickadee’s room, whereupon Monkey had a fit because WE ALWAYS GO IN HER ROOM FIRST. (more…)

October 10, 2007 | Retail Therapy, The Year of Living Changerously

This morning while the children slurped their Cheerios and I slumped at the kitchen table, half awake, sipping at my orange juice, Otto slid a section of newspaper across the tabletop to me.

PUBLIX GRAND OPENING TODAY, 7:00 AM!

I checked the clock. 6:45.

Chickadee craned her neck, allowing her to read sideways instead of just upside down. “MOM! It’s today! You should go right now! Otto can take us to school!” Methinks my daughter is tired of walking up and down the aisles at Kroger with me while I comment on the fruit flies, the gray meat, and the fact that no one seems to actually work there.

“Well, I don’t think I’ll go right NOW,” I answered, “because I’m just not sure I need to be walking into Publix in my PAJAMAS.”

“But MOM!” she continued, having read the full-page ad top to bottom, now, “You can get a FREE TOTE BAG!” (more…)

October 6, 2007 | The Year of Living Changerously

We have been taping Mythbusters every week and watching it as a family on Friday nights, but there hasn’t been a new episode in a while so we’ve had to come up with another activity to celebrate making it through the week. Thus began a brief period of trial and error, wherein we discovered that laundry is perhaps not quite celebratory enough, while body shots may be just a tad overdoing it.

So last night we decided to play Uno. Otto announced that it would be cutthroat Uno, meaning that everyone was expected to play to win, which the kids took to mean that the first time they each had to draw extra cards they should cry. After a quick pause to explain that anyone who couldn’t suck it up and draw cards without sobbing could go to bed early, instead, we then launched into a very merry round of cards indeed. (more…)

October 3, 2007 | The Year of Living Changerously

It must be Fall because it’s dark when my alarm goes off and dark when I wake the kids up and dark while I pack lunches but almost sorta kinda getting light out when it’s time to leave for school.

It must be Fall because the yard is covered with fallen leaves. The fact that the trees are still covered in (green) leaves is a little confusing, sure, and I hear that a drought can make the leaves fall off, too, plus the fact that it is still hitting 85 every day is not feeling all that Fall-like, but—what was I talking about?—oh, right, the leaves on the grass mean it must be Fall.

It must be Fall because we crack the windows at night and let the cool air snake over the windowsills and down the wall, where it creeps along until it find my toes (which I am always surprised to discover are growing chilly). (more…)

September 25, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, The Year of Living Changerously

I am going senile. Not only did I use “Meanwhile, back at the ranch” as a post title once before, I used it only about a month ago. I never would’ve even realized this, except that I happened to notice that the permalink for yesterday’s post had a “2″ at the end, and being the bright human that I am, I went, “Huh. I wonder why that is?”

Now I’m afraid to title anything, for fear that I’ve just plain run out of titles. Please look for my next book, coming soon (and by “soon” I mean “never”) to a bookstore near you. It will be called “Insert title here.” It’s riveting stuff, I tell you.

Anyway, despite my best efforts to forge a believable story arc out of three cups of coffee and some string, today is just going to be a One Of Those Days. I can tell. Nevertheless, I shall soldier on, making with the words and then maybe some more words, because I’m a giver. I care. Oh, wait. Maybe that’s I’m a talker and I talk. I always get those confused. (more…)