It’s Christmas, dammit

Today is Christmas.

Yes. YES IT IS. Today is our little family Christmas, because tomorrow we get in the car for two days, and assuming that I allow the children to live until we get back up to New England, after that there will be the Big! Family! Christmas! and then Christmas with their dad and OH MY GOD I haven’t even started packing and there is so much to do and the laundry isn’t even done and I’m sure I’m forgetting something and tonight we are having Christmas here because I need a brief bit of “just us” time before we go.

Also, I refuse to schlep even more presents than necessary. Open your presents, kids! Like ’em? Great! Go put them away! Now it’s time to go!

I would sort of like to postpone Christmas, and traveling, until everyone is healthy again, but alas, I seem to have misplaced my magic watch.

But it will all be fine. It will. Absolutely fine. I am going to start packing—or maybe just running around the house in circles, screaming—in a couple of minutes, here. Why, just this morning Otto asked me if I thought we could fit all of our stuff into one small suitcase and my head actually spun ALL THE WAY AROUND. And then for some reason he suddenly needed to “go run some errands.” Huh.

Last night I alternated between working, putting together teacher gifts for today, and baking cookies. Did we NEED those cookies? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY. Are you kidding me? Am I to be expected to hit the road without sustenance? Don’t get crazy, now. Also, I happen to know that Kira‘s molasses cookies are EXCELLENT bribes for whiny children. As well as a good reward for parents who put up with said children.

Okay, so, here’s what I need to do today before the kids get home from school:
1) Put away the laundry.
2) Take the laundry back out and pack it.
3) Wonder why I didn’t just pack before putting the laundry away.
4) Gather up all of the Christmas paraphernalia we need to bring with us (presents, stockings, etc.).
5) Assemble snacks for the car. (For us to eat in the car. The car itself will get antifreeze and gasoline, but no cookies.)
6) Go pick up my new glasses.
6a) Walk around declaring, “I can SEE! I can REALLY, REALLY SEE!” until no one can stand to be in the same room with me.
7) Find all of the cords I need for my computer and iPod and phone and such.
8) Clean the whole house.
9) Laugh and laugh and laugh about how I thought I was going to have time to clean the whole house.
10) Realize I am out of something crucial we need for the trip, like shampoo.
11) Have an argument with Otto about whether or not I could buy said critical item at our destination rather than freaking out about it now.
12) Pack car bags for the kids. (Stuff for them to do in the car. Not bags to put them in the car. Although, now that I think of it….)
13) Finish wrapping presents.
13a) Remember something I meant to buy but forgot, and freak out about it.
14) Do a week’s worth of work.
15) Laugh and laugh and laugh abut how I thought I could get a week’s worth of work done so that I wouldn’t have to work over Christmas.
16) Have a nervous breakdown.
17) Realize I have nothing to wear.
17a) Stomp around the house complaining about my big ass.
17b) Eat some cookies while wallowing.
17c) Completely fail to see the relationship between 17a and 17b.
18) Figure out what the hell we’re eating for our “Christmas” dinner, given that I have refused to buy any groceries this week and our current options are old lasagna, a single egg, or some mustard.

Wow. I feel SO FESTIVE already!

I think I need another cookie.

44 Responses to “It’s Christmas, dammit”

  1. 1
    Megan December 21, 2007 at 10:00 am #

    Phew. This year, after two years of on-the-road Christmases (with the added bonus of staying with my sister’s in-laws! Whee! Non-blood-related family tension – such fun for the holidays) we are staying home. Way home. Not leaving the damn house home. So much sympathy, and a fair amount of smugness too.

  2. 2
    Juliness December 21, 2007 at 10:03 am #

    17a and 17b made me laugh – but only because I had the same conversation with Phil last night. Whilst holding a glass of wine. (There’s no calories in white wine, right?)

    I probably should have just had the cookie.

    Holler if you need a stop off along the way!!

  3. 3
    Burgh Baby's Mom December 21, 2007 at 10:04 am #

    Hmmm . . . that looks suspiciously like my list. The only difference is that I will be eating cookies along with every single step and not waiting for the fat ass wallowing phase.

  4. 4
    Marissa December 21, 2007 at 10:07 am #

    I have the exact same day planned!! But mine will begin at 5:30 when I get home from work…oh and did I mention I got up at 2am so I could finish some law school work before going to work because I have to pack tonight for our 10 day trip to my dad’s house in Florida. And the best part, the flight is at 6:20am Saturday.

    Yeah, clearly there were bad decisions made somewhere along the road that led to this predicament…I’m counting on chocolate to carry me through the next 48 hours.

    Merry Christmas Mir!

  5. 5
    Leandra December 21, 2007 at 10:17 am #

    Wow, I actually feel a little bit better about all I have to do because it’s actually less than yours! (ducks)

    I hope you enjoy your trip. Enjoy your family. Travel safely.

  6. 6
    Carrie December 21, 2007 at 10:29 am #

    LOL! OK, take a deep breath and go out to dinner because frozen lasagne takes too long, and while you’re out pick up all the things you discovered you needed throughout the day. Oh, and have a fun and Merry Christmas!

  7. 7
    Kristi December 21, 2007 at 10:31 am #

    I’m thinking you should stop here in D.C. to get a refill on sustenance. We could completely fail to see the relationship between 17a and 17b together.

    Be safe!

  8. 8
    Heather December 21, 2007 at 10:35 am #

    Yep, looks a lot like my list as well. We’re just the opposite though – everyone is coming to OUR house for Christmas (my parents for two days, then to my grandmother’s on Christmas Eve for the day, then home that night to get ready for the in-laws on Christmas Day). Hmmm, I didn’t plan things very well either. Looks like I’m not going to be getting any sleep this weekend. Merry Christmas and safe travels!

  9. 9
    All Adither December 21, 2007 at 10:37 am #

    Well, it’s funny from here. But I’m sorry you have such a long list.

    My husband is always scratching his head about why we can’t fit four people’s worth of clothes, toys and toiletries into a duffel bag. My stuff alone could fill a steamer trunk.

  10. 10
    ImpostorMom December 21, 2007 at 10:40 am #

    We are leaving tomorrow but we’re only going 3 hours away. I still have tons to do today which is why Boog is at daycare and I am at home, but I haven’t even thought about packing yet. I will be seeing The Golden Compass today because I want to and when else am I going to have time.

  11. 11
    Aimee December 21, 2007 at 10:56 am #

    Heat up the old lasagna — who doesn’t like leftover lasagna? Expecially when you have those molasses cookies (YUM!) for dessert? It’s been a couple of years since I was back in the Northeast, but I’m pretty sure that they DO sell shampoo there. So look to the cookie! The cookie will provide all the answers you need.

    Merry Christmas, Mir and fambly! Have a safe trip.

  12. 12
    jennielynng is December 21, 2007 at 11:09 am #

    HAHAHA I just got a mental image of you standing there, saying “Leftover lasagna and egg salad with mustard dressing IS a Christmas tradition! Now eat it or you will ride in the trunk!” Merry Christmas!

  13. 13
    Sharkey December 21, 2007 at 11:15 am #

    I’m thinking take-out Chinese sounds good for dinner. Also, Aimee is right–they DO have shampoo in New England.

    Wave as you drive through Philadelphia! We’re 45 minutes away from there, but still! Closer than Georgia!

    Merry Christmas!

  14. 14
    Kimberly December 21, 2007 at 11:16 am #

    Merry Christmas! Lasagne is totally festive. It’s red and if it’s old, there’s probably some green, too :)

  15. 15
    Lucinda December 21, 2007 at 11:20 am #

    OMG! 11 made me laugh out loud because I would totally do that. My husband is constantly wondering why it’s such a big deal and finding he suddenly has work to do out in the garage. You forgot 19. Wake up Sunday morning (I assume you will be there and settled by then) and and wonder why you were so worried in the first place. Have a Merry Christmas.

  16. 16
    D December 21, 2007 at 11:21 am #

    Loved the “snacks for the car” item. Just glad no assembly to go to at the school today … or another rendition of Polar Express.

    Remember to breathe, breathe, breathe – then run around in circles flapping your arms, then breathe again. :-)

    Have a safe trip

  17. 17
    dad December 21, 2007 at 11:39 am #

    Have a safe, happy trip and try not to enable the kids or Otto to go into sugar shock. Tune out all conversation that resembles “are we there yet?” or “you smell like a truck.” Breathe deeply. Feel the joy.
    We’re looking forward to seeing you.

  18. 18
    Andrea December 21, 2007 at 11:48 am #

    You crack me up because you have put to paper (ahem…typed) the same list of so many moms. I am laughing as I sit here on the aforementioned #17a, thinking about getting off the computer to do #9 (and the rest of my own list). :)

    Safe travels, enjoy the moments and have a Merry Christmas, Mir!

  19. 19
    bogartg December 21, 2007 at 11:58 am #

    19. Give myself a little squeeze for helping a certain Texan (and a myriad of others, no doubt) just a little saner!
    Have a Merry Christmas!

  20. 20
    Jean December 21, 2007 at 12:21 pm #

    Doesn’t Otto (and all other husbands) know that his bargain shopping wife would nearly die rather than buy full price shampoo for such a short trip??

    Please reread “bogartg”‘s comment and know that you have helped many of us laugh through much of our “happy holiday hell” and we are grateful. And I’m totally with “jennielynng” about the holiday meal, that is exactly the sort of thing you might say.

    Now get going on that list, lady, those things won’t take care of themselves!!!.

  21. 21
    Tootsie December 21, 2007 at 12:48 pm #

    Order in tonight, Mir. Have a GREAT evening and a fantastic trip! I’m still laughing over the car bags!

    Be safe.

  22. 22
    StephLove December 21, 2007 at 1:08 pm #

    Like so many others have noted, that looks a lot like my list. We’re leaving Sunday, though, so we can have a little more breathing room and because everything takes so darn long to do when you have a 20 m/o barnacle, um I mean darling daughter, clinging to your leg at all times.

    Merry Christmas to all!

  23. 23
    The Other Leanne December 21, 2007 at 1:11 pm #

    It will all get done, don’t worry. Or it won’t. Either way none of it will matter when you get there (safely) and can start enjoying your holiday festivities. Order pizza, throw a few things in a bag, and fret not. I’ll bet the Three Wise Guys didn’t fuss too much before heading out across the desert on their camels, aimlessly following some star (look! as we move it continues to move away from us! are we not there yet?).
    Merry Christmas to you.

  24. 24
    StephLove December 21, 2007 at 1:12 pm #

    p.s. We’re doing our first round of presents on Saturday night, too, to lighten the load in the car. The solstice is either today or tomorrow (our calanders do not agree with one another) so I’ll say we’re celebrating that. I bought frosted shortbread cookies in snowman and other winter shapes and a dvd of Frosty the Snowman to watch, so we’ll make a night of it.

  25. 25
    Lynette December 21, 2007 at 1:40 pm #

    I’m with you– cookies are essential.

  26. 26
    Vane December 21, 2007 at 1:51 pm #

    I’m not going away for Christmas so I don’t have to pack, but I still have a millions things to do, including baking cookies tonight after work (I do not bake, but a friend is helping me so that my princess can finally get to decorate christmas cookies like she has been longing to).

    I hope you have a safe trip and enjoy your holiday very much. And, like we say here … Feliz Navidad!

  27. 27
    kidzmama December 21, 2007 at 2:05 pm #

    Pizza is always festive. You deserve to call and have it delivered.

    The list is long and by this time of the day you are probably panicking about something you forgot to put on the list. Thank goodness there are still more cookies.

    Have a safe and healthy(er) holiday.

  28. 28
    Katie December 21, 2007 at 2:28 pm #

    Chinese food! Very Christmas-y!

    The last two years we’ve done the early Christmas and then left for at least a week. It’s like Christmas again when the kids come home to their new toys finally. This year though we’re bringing the gifts with us to open on Christmas Day. I will probably regret this when there is no room in the van on the way home (my in-laws always “over gift”).

    Have another cookie!

  29. 29
    Liz December 21, 2007 at 3:32 pm #

    You and me, both – Happy Holidays, sweetie!

  30. 30
    Crisanne December 21, 2007 at 5:04 pm #

    I hope you have a wonderful Christmas tonight! Then travel safely and sanely.

    Car bags for the kids (to put them in, not to play with)…what a great idea!

    Wave hello as you pass by VA!

  31. 31
    Otto December 21, 2007 at 5:17 pm #

    Mmmm …. mustard crusted egg … so Christmasy ….

  32. 32
    prophet December 21, 2007 at 6:11 pm #

    and a partridge in a pear tree. . . . to you, too!

    blessings for Christmas.

  33. 33
    Karen December 21, 2007 at 6:39 pm #

    You know, take-out (or order-in) is completely festive when eaten on paper plates. The kids could come to enjoy the Christmas tradition. I know as a mom, I could.

    My list isn’t quite as extensive as yours, thank goodness. But I do have to schlep dogs around this weekend of all weekends. It’s worse than having custody of children.

  34. 34
    ChristieNY December 21, 2007 at 8:01 pm #

    MERRY CHRISTMAS SWEETIE!!! Enjoy those cookies and your first FAMILY CHRISTMAS together!

    See ya on the flip side! :)

  35. 35
    Wendy December 21, 2007 at 11:44 pm #

    Merry Christmas and Happy Trails!! And I am with Otto, forget it all and just buy when you get there.

  36. 36
    Chris December 22, 2007 at 1:24 am #

    Merry Christmas to you and your sweet little family.
    Thanks for all the laughs this year. Why yes they were sorely needed. Happy 2008!

  37. 37
    Carolyn December 22, 2007 at 7:41 am #

    Merry Christmas Mir, I hope you have a safe trip.

  38. 38
    LuAnn December 22, 2007 at 8:12 am #

    Hope you get to enjoy some of the holidays.

  39. 39
    saucygrrl December 22, 2007 at 8:17 am #

    Just so you know, not only did we share the lasagna episode, but I think we’re also sharing in the head-spinning-around-onmygodit’schristmas-and-I’m-going-to-have-a-nervous-break-down-I-wonder-how-nice-the-tree-looks-at-the-assylum-but-please-be-sure-to-send-me-there-with-my-cookies groove going too… so, um, just so you know, you’re not alone. Again. Merry Christmas Mir!

  40. 40
    Half-Past Kissin' Time December 22, 2007 at 12:34 pm #

    As usual, you are good for a LOL. We can all relate, certainly. It will all work out. Have a safe trip, and enjoy the holidays. I look forward to catching up when you return…
    Barb

  41. 41
    elizabeth December 22, 2007 at 5:57 pm #

    I feel your pain – and love your list. snacks for the car and bags for the children! we are on the road too this weekend. 18 hours in the car with my crew. fun fun!
    safe trip to all.

  42. 42
    Busy Mom December 22, 2007 at 8:51 pm #

    Hey, running in circles waving your arms is a plan. It’s always good to have a plan.

    We have the same plan here, as a matter of fact.

  43. 43
    angie December 22, 2007 at 9:33 pm #

    That mustard sounds appetizing.

  44. 44
    MaryP December 23, 2007 at 9:39 am #

    Bless your sensible heart for not allowing your children to schlepp extra gifts across the country! Every year my stepchildren arrive for Christmas here, each of them toting TWO OR THREE BAGS of gifts they received from their mother and that side of the family. Two or three bags EACH — and there are FIVE of them.

    And then, when they go back to their mother’s at the end of the week, they have, inevitably, always, lost a third of those gifts. Then they are mad at us (Why? We don’t lose them). And then their mother is mad at us (Why? We don’t lose them). And then we are mad at them and their mother for bringing the damned things to our house in the first place, despite our asking that they not.

    Woo-eee… Merry Christmas, everyone!

    And this is why I just want to reach right out and HUG you right now: I do so love parents who can Just Say No.

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