February 27, 2008 | Friends

Hey, I have a friend who is having a birthday today. She is turning… awesome! Stupendous! Magnificent! And—most importantly—OLDER THAN ME. So I will nod sympathetically and pat her hair (or at least try to, from afar) all the while hoping that she will be nice to me when I reach… the birthday she’s at now.

Maybe you know my friend? Joshilyn Jackson? Seems like perhaps some of you know her. And perhaps you know that her new book just came out. Why, I’m stalking my UPS guy daily, waiting for my copy. Although, who am I kidding? I will end up going to the bookstore and buying a copy because delivery is taking too long, just like I did with her other books. And then one of my OTHER friends will get the other copy for one of THEIR birthdays.

It’s good to have friends who write books you can’t wait to read. I’m not entirely sure what Joss gets out of her side of this relationship, but damn if I haven’t already gotten some awesome reading material. (more…)

December 4, 2007 | Friends, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Once upon a time there was a small boy who became overly attached to his stuffed puppy. The puppy’s name was, of course, Puppy. And everything the boy did, he did with his puppy. And any time you suggested a game or a book or even a TV show, the boy had to check with Puppy, first, to make sure that that was okay. At bedtime, his mother had to kiss him AND Puppy goodnight, or he couldn’t sleep. And if Puppy was missing at bedtime? Well, let’s just say you’d better find him. STAT.

This was extremely charming when the boy was two or three years old, but was becoming tiresome by age six or so. By the time the boy was seven, his evil mother was working very hard to suggest horrible things like “Leaving Puppy at home” and “Thinking for yourself” and “MAKE YOUR DAMN DOG STOP LOOKING AT ME.”

And then the boy and his puppy moved, and the mother decided it was time for some changes. (more…)

November 15, 2007 | Friends

The thing that has been hardest for me about moving is making new friends. And part of me feels ridiculous, saying that, because I don’t really have trouble getting along with people. (You, in the back—shut it.) I’m not particularly shy. I’ll talk to anyone, and despite frequently ramping the dork factor all the way up to 11, FOR THE MOST PART I’m able to enter a social situation and interact in a socially acceptable manner with others.

The problem comes in establishing friendships which go beyond “Hey, how ya doing?” or “I think my kid just kicked your kid in the nuts. I’m really sorry.” (Yes, I’ve actually had to say that already. I considered letting the ground swallow me up, instead, but THE GROUND WASN’T COOPERATING.) These things take time, which I know, but—and I don’t know if you’ve noticed this or not, because I’m so good at hiding it—I am not a patient person. And I’ve been here for six months already and I really, really miss having MY GIRLS. (more…)

September 14, 2007 | Friends

You should totally come visit me. I am such a great hostess! Your every need will be solicitously attended to, and the overall feeling will be one of complete and utter specialness. Why, just ask Joshilyn. You can’t ask her right this second, because she is driving home, but once she gets there and detoxes from the splendor of my presence, I’m sure she can tell you with only a little bit of twitching.

Your marvelous Casa Mir experience starts even before you arrive, when I get it into my head to clean the house so as to best pretend that I normally just keep it clean rather than occasionally sentencing my children to bathroom detail when they’ve misbehaved. While you blithely travel towards me, I am lugging the vacuum cleaner up the stairs and vowing to render my daughter’s bedroom just as beautiful as possible for your stay. I will put fresh sheets on the bed, plump the pillows, line up her dolls in a pleasing yet hopefully not-spooky manner (all of those eyes looking at you, dude, it’s not good), and set to vacuuming. This is when I will discover that the vacuum cleaner is busted. (more…)

August 8, 2007 | Friends, Offspring: ecstasy and agony, What do I do all day?

Good news! Today was not nearly so hot as yesterday. I mean, yes, OKAY, it was 101 today just like yesterday, and the heat index was around 108, but it was PARTLY CLOUDY. So. Ever so much better.

Today would’ve been a good day to stay inside and do work, and I managed to do that, for most of the morning, but eventually I had to give in to my children’s demands that we goooooo swiiiiiimiiiiiiing.

And because I can only spend so long in the pool with them before I start wondering important things like “would it be child abuse to pick up this dead cricket and place it atop my child’s head?” or “how many more times must I watch THIS VERY IMPORTANT JUMP which—amazingly!—looks just like every other jump this child has taken off the diving board so far?” I thought it prudent to call in reinforcements. So I begged Tammy to come over, since she’s a work-at-home slacker like me. (more…)

July 28, 2007 | Friends, It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I’ll confess; I’d been feeling a little sorry for myself this week because I wasn’t planning to attend BlogHer. The week was going well and I was, frankly, starting to question my decision not to travel this summer “for the good of the family.” My family was FINE! And I was going to miss out on a trip to Chicago!

And then yesterday my daughter’s head actually spun all the way around and I realized that if I HAD gone to Chicago, Otto would likely never speak to me again when I got back, and assuming that the kids were even still alive, that would be yet another scar on their tender psyches. Yes, it’s a very good thing that I hadn’t gone anywhere.

All the same, then I started feeling sorry for myself today because I was spending the day trying to convince my daughter to do the weeding which had been decreed as punishment for her misdeeds. She was screaming and crying and I was waiting for CPS to come take me away while I explained over and over that she was going to pull the weeds regardless of how much she cried about it and she screamed at me that THERE WERE BUGS. That was really great. WAY BETTER THAN A BLOGGING CONFERENCE.

And then tonight Chris and Susan called to fill me in on how things are going in Chicago, and Chris talked a while and then Susan got on the phone and talked a bit and then Chris got back on and announced that no one has pooped all weekend because the bathrooms have big shutters instead of actual doors.

Suddenly Weedgate didn’t seem so bad, really.

July 15, 2007 | Friends

We had some people over for dinner tonight, and by “some people” I mean “friends of Otto’s” and by “dinner” I mean “sort of a barbecue where we all hang out on the porch for most of it.”

The house is not “done” by any stretch of the imagination, but it’s close enough that we were able to take the unopened boxes and shove them out of the way, more or less, and after I vacuumed and Otto finished pulling down the painter’s tape waaaaay up high that’s been there for, um, three weeks (shut up) it almost looked like we live here for real.

These were all people I’ve met before, good and nice and funny people, but the entire thing made me feel somewhat melancholy because in spite of that they are not MY people. They are Otto’s people. (more…)

July 5, 2007 | Friends, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Hello! I would’ve blogged last night except that I was busy trying to extract my own eyeball and go to sleep. Simultaneously.

In an effort to celebrate the 4th of July in style, we packed up the kids and headed to Joshilyn’s house. Joss had put on her very best southern accent and assured me that they “do it up right ’round here” when she invited us a while back, and who am I to turn down such an invitation?

I had mentioned to Joss (several times) that Chickadee was dying, and I do mean DYING, to meet Maisy. Chickie loves little kids. Well I guess this had been passed along to Miss Maisy, because she greeted Chickadee at the door in her quacky little duck voice with a hearty “Are you the girl who has been wanting to meet me? Here I am!” (more…)

June 24, 2007 | Friends, The Year of Living Changerously

Dude, I was NOT KIDDING when I said if you come over and help me pack, you get to leave with fabulous prizes. Today Otto’s brother Wild Thing came over and did an amazing impression of the Tazmanian Devil in my basement; what I’d feared would take us well into the night to pack was DONE before dinner. His stipulation before coming over was that he get to leave with his pick of three things. We’d agreed, of course. He ended up with 6, I believe, or even more if you count that I made him take the remainder of the Easter mix candy I had floating around here.

A friend from church came (twice!) and left with a car packed to the gills with stuff for the church yard sale (twice!).

And then another friend from church came and we made him take my car. (more…)

June 13, 2007 | Friends

I’m not sure how to write about this, and I’ll tell you right now that I have no idea how it ends.

This is about a dear friend of mine, someone who has seen me at my best and seen me at my worst. Someone who has been a part of my life for years and watched my kids and held my hand through my divorce and offered to kick Otto’s ass when he broke my heart years ago and was amongst the first to celebrate when we got back together.

This is about someone who is going to be very angry at me for a long time, most likely. (more…)