Archive | March, 2009

Hold the cocktail sauce

by Mir on March 31, 2009 in My name is Grumplestiltskin, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

My children are darling little angels.

Except when they aren’t.

And BELIEVE YOU ME, we have plenty of the “aren’t” sorts of instances, ’round here. Though their seemingly limitless capacity for finding NEW and INTERESTING ways to make that little vein in my temple throb sometimes astounds me.

So, you have to go read this post by Joshilyn about how her son Sam has had his first brush with inappropriate profanity. It’s worth the read, trust me. Go! I’ll wait.

It was hilarious, right? And lo, how I giggled. Oh, how I snorted in smug and blissful assurance that SURELY my children were LIGHT YEARS away from any such situation. (more…)

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Spring cleaning and family togetherness

by Mir on March 30, 2009 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience", Offspring: ecstasy and agony

We’re a busy family, and so like most busy families, we like to use the weekends to reconnect with each other in light of our busy lives. This is generally accomplished via sleeping late and eating pancakes. (Ahhhh—nothing says unity like carbs, am I right?) And then every now and then we try to do something special together.

Saturday was VERY special. I was so far behind on my work, I kicked the entire family out of the house and told them not to come back until I was done.

Ha! I’m just kidding. I would never do that. I mean, how could they possibly know when I’m done, when even I have no long it will take? No, I kicked them out of the house so that they could have a nice day of bonding. That happened to include four+ hours of driving to retrieve Otto’s broken car. And I totally wish I was kidding about that part. (more…)

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Early geometry geeks

by Mir on March 27, 2009 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I’m having one of those overwhelmed-with-work kinds of days, and the children have been remarkably patient with me. Thank goodness. Though this does mean that there has been various silliness at the door of my office.

Chickadee: [while pantomiming being stuck in a small box] Help! Help! I’m stuck in a box! I can’t get out!
Monkey: [immediately crouching down and imitating her] Me too! I’m stuck in a box, too!
Chickadee: You can’t be stuck in a box. I’m stuck in a box; you do something else.
[She continues "feeling" the walls of her confines, while he thinks for a minute. Suddenly his face lights up, and he crouches down again, bringing his hands up above his head with the fingertips forming a point above him]
Monkey: Help! Help! I’m stuck in a triangle! I can’t get out!

(I probably shouldn’t have laughed, because from there we had STUCK IN A RHOMBUS and TRAPPED IN A TRAPEZOID and, finally, SHOVED IN A SPHERE. That was when they discovered they could pretend to be racing around the house in those hamster ball things, and I gave up trying to work.)

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Love is the journey, not the destination

by Mir on March 26, 2009 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

As the youngest and possibly most impulsive and least patient member of our family, I oftentimes wonder if Monkey feels like his entire life is just everyone telling him NO, over and over again. Some days, it feels like that’s all I do. Put your feet down and sit properly. Please don’t bang. Stop jiggling. Don’t hum at the table. Because she’s older than you are. Because that’s the way it is. Because I said so. No, you may not go ride your bike in the rain. Why is there laundry all over the floor. What happened here??

It’s not exactly the flowers and rainbows and life of constant kisses and hugs and ice cream that I’d always dreamed of, when I pictured motherhood.

One of Monkey’s most endearing qualities, though, is that he’s relentlessly cheerful about 90% of the time. (During the remaining 10% it is recommended that you find the nearest bomb shelter for your own personal safety, but that’s another topic for another day.) And my Monkey has recently discovered a new talent. (more…)

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The *squish* sound of success

by Mir on March 24, 2009 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Things haven’t been going so well, over here at the Eyeball Corral.

Oh, it’s true that Chickadee remains a champion contact lens WEARER. I don’t know if lenses are different now or her eyes are just a lot hardier than mine or what, but back in my contact lens days I remember a lot of “AHHHHH! There’s something trapped under the lens! AN EYELASH! THE PAIN!!” and such. She’s headed off to school every day with a lens case and a pair of glasses, just in case, and she hasn’t had a single issue. That part is great.

The part that’s not so great is that she’s now had her contacts for two months and was still showing absolutely zero interest in learning how to put them in for herself. And neither the “You’ll have to take me with you to college” jokes nor my peppy rendition of “L! A! Z! Y! You ain’t go no alibi!” were persuading her to change her ways. (more…)

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The garden that dumb built

by Mir on March 23, 2009 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

I’m on a five-year plan towards actually growing enough food to cut down our grocery bill.

Two years ago, I bought a house plant. Actually, I sent Otto out to buy me a house plant, because I’m also on a five-year plan to delegate more often. “If I can keep this plant alive for a year,” I told myself, “Next summer I’ll actually try growing something edible.”

The plant is still alive. (Though—it must be noted—somewhat sickly in pallor. I don’t think it likes me.) Last year, I planted herbs, strawberries, tomatoes and some peppers on our deck. “If I can grow these things somewhat successfully,” I told myself, “Next summer I’ll expand my planting, and learn how to can.” (The fact that I now have “learn how to can” as a life goal makes me feel about 85. But as I still have a freezer full of roasted jalapenos, it seems necessary.) The herbs went wild. We had jalapenos coming out of our ears. The banana peppers had some issues, but all in all—a successful season.

This weekend we went all Garden 2.0. (more…)

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Better than I could’ve imagined

by Mir on March 20, 2009 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Today may just be the greatest day of my life. Ever.

It’s been kind of a long week, ’round here, with the children being cranky and various meetings being… well, you know, the sorts of meetings where you’re sitting there, hour after hour, questioning your will to go on in a world where people think you need to have 3-hour meetings about minutiae.

I also totally biffed our meal planning this week, and I have absolutely no excuse for it, either. As a result we had “Oh crap, what are we doing for dinner?” every single night this week. Not really my favorite meal, though we worked it out.

And so then today rolled around, and it’s Friday—which is good, because tomorrow’s Saturday, but also bad, because everyone is tired and grumpy—and this morning I was just trying to get breakfast made and lunches packed. (more…)

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Love knows what you mean

by Mir on March 19, 2009 in Offspring: ecstasy and agony

When I was pregnant with Chickadee, I knew she was a girl. I told her father I knew she was a girl, and he would always tell me that I had a 50/50 shot at being correct, and after she was confirmed to be a girl via ultrasound he quipped that if I gave birth to four children and correctly predicted the gender of all four, THEN he would believe that I “knew.” (I did know, though. I knew with Monkey, too.)

Meanwhile, once she was confirmed to have two X chromosomes, I sank into a quiet and private dread.

It’s not that I don’t like girls, you understand. It’s that I WAS ONCE A GIRL and I both doubted my ability to build a good mother-daughter relationship with one and also I am intimately familiar with the UTTER CRAYZEE that is the adolescent female. The bottom line is that I was terrified.

(With good reason. Ahem.) (more…)

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Yep, that was better

by Mir on March 18, 2009 in It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

So I went back to my new chiropractor, Paul Bunyan, today. I willed myself not to laugh. I coached myself through the entire morning, then the drive over there, and while I was on the table. “Don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t laugh,” I chanted, silently. Just relax! Breathe! NO LAUGHING!

I didn’t bray hysterically, this time. I was really proud of myself, in fact. I set my mind on not acting like a dork and for once, it actually worked. And my neck is feeling better and better. I stood up afterward, thanked Dr. Paul, went out and made my next appointment, said goodbye to all involved, and then went on out to my car.

I did all of the usual things; put the key in the ignition, turned, buckled my seatbelt, checked the mirrors, put the car into reverse. And then I put the car back in park, unbuckled, and went back inside.

To get my glasses.

Which I had somehow not noticed I wasn’t wearing, when I left.

First the laughing, now this. You can’t tell me those people aren’t making fun of me after I leave.

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Like before, but totally different

by Mir on March 17, 2009 in Health is overrated

So, as I may have mentioned, I’ve been having a little trouble with my neck. On the one hand, it’s handy for sniping at the children. “STOP BEING A PAIN IN MY NECK!” I can grouse, pointing at my poor neck, ensuring their therapist can buy a boat as well as a summer home. Sadly, I have only availed myself of that option in my mind, because I fear to do otherwise would be poor parenting.

Also, who has time to say such things when the little darlings are busy scrubbing the floor with toothbrushes and need whipping?

But, yeah, it’s been kind of a drag. I don’t know what I did, either. I mean, yes, I have a pre-existing condition from having had whiplash years ago, but I was totally fine. And then I woke up one day in pain. Very weird.

And chiropractic care had helped once before, so I figured I’d do it again. (more…)

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