January 31, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Growing

Because I was raised Jewish and then fell into a rather extreme Christian religion in college, when I regained my senses I was (understandly, I think) a bit wary of committing myself to another church. It wasn’t that I didn’t still consider myself a person of faith; it was that I was beginning to realize that first I needed to know what I believed, apart from what a group of people might tell me to believe.

My (ex) husband (is) was Methodist. I went to church with him. Sometimes. The Methodists seemed nice enough. (more…)

January 30, 2007 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

… any time I have to, say, do anything else. At all. Ever.

Listen, I hadn’t had my hair cut since NOVEMBER. I waited as long as I could, because after the relative freedom of cutting all of my hair off a while ago I immediately turned into Goldilocks and was all “I want it SHORTER. No! Wait! That’s TOO short! Now a bit longer. That’s good. A little more. No! SHORTER!” After a while of this, I settled on A Plan to grow it out to something still short, but longer than it had been, and as this involves growing out umpteen layers, I have been TRYING to stretch out the time inbetween appointments.

Because it sort of sucks to pay real money just to have a quarter inch of hair trimmed off back there on my neck. (more…)

January 29, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

I’m in something of a holding pattern with my children, at the moment. One of the supreme joys of the complicated child (because there are just so many) is figuring out how to balance patience and appropriate consequences.

In other words: Misdeeds require correction, yes, but you don’t want to be punishing behavior a child cannot help. On the other hand, you don’t want to be issuing a free pass to be irresponsible and bratty to a kid just because they have some issues, either.

It’s such a delightful conundrum, constantly trying to discern when an infraction requires creative problem-solving and when it requires a sound beating. (more…)

January 28, 2007 | The Year of Living Changerously

I had about a million things to get done this weekend, and almost none of them did. How unusual.

I did manage, however, to get to the supermarket this afternoon. I spent most of my time there shaking my fist at the $9 gallon jugs of orange juice and crying heavenward “IT IS NOT ALLOWED TO SNOW IN CALIFORNIA EVER AGAIN.” I love orange juice as much as the next person (though perhaps not as much as Otto, because his relationship to orange juice frankly concerns me a little), but I can buy wine for that kind of money. And then I don’t have to share it with the kids.

The groceries are now half put away (the other half sitting around the kitchen floor, spilling out of bags) and I swear I will get to the rest of them after dinner tomorrow. (more…)

January 27, 2007 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

At least, it is according to thesaurus.com. And now that I know that, I can claim to be promiscuous for the first time in my life.

(Welcome to Woulda Coulda Shoulda! Now with more slutty!)

If I had a cohesive tale to tell you I would, because I’m an excellent sharer that way (perhaps it comes along with the promiscuity?), but the best I’m going to be able to muster right now is a few bits and pieces. This is my brain. This is stress. This is my brain on stress. Any questions? Not that there’s a damn thing I’ll do about it if you DO have questions, because today this is all I’ve got. (more…)

January 25, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, My name is Grumplestiltskin

My day was going along, you know, and it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary at all, and that was fine.

Then I got a call from school about one child, and then later as I girded myself to deal with that child and that particular issue (and was coaching myself to try to refrain from starting with “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”), the kids arrived home and the OTHER child had a note detailing an EVEN BETTER transgression, one that caused said child to hand me the note and then RUN AWAY CRYING because there was no question at all that sticking around would mean bearing witness to my brain actually igniting and causing my face to melt off. (more…)

January 24, 2007 | The Year of Living Changerously

Perhaps I have mentioned that I’ve lived in New England for the last, oh, 10 years or so. It is cold here.

These are my wicked good slippers (they really call them that in the catalog) from L.L. Bean. I wear them whenever I’m in the house and not in bed, whenever it’s winter. Which means that I wear them about 18 hours a day, 300 days a year. What?

And they don’t even smell bad. This is because they are made by wood elves in Maine who sprinkle the shearling with fairy dust.

You can see that the right slipper is completely falling apart. I cannot imagine why. (more…)

January 23, 2007 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Pediatrician visit co-pay: $15
Prescription for Xopenex: $20
Prescription for new spacer: $20
Yelling up the stairs that it’s time to suck the duck: Priceless

January 22, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Health is overrated

Every parent who’s ever had a sick, inconsolable child knows the helpless feeling that comes with not being able to fix your baby’s pain.

Likewise, every parent who’s ever had a sick child who was too sick to go to school but not quite sick enough to just sit down and watch cartoons, already, knows the helpless feeling that comes with not being able to drop that kid off at school already.

GUESS which one I had today! Go on! (more…)

January 21, 2007 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, Health is overrated

You already know that when my folks are here, we do exciting things like watch endless hours of CSI: Miami. But obviously we cannot do that while the children are awake, because David Caruso is inappropriate viewing material for impressionable young minds. They would have nightmares. So what did we do while the kids were around?

Well, mostly we fill the time with eating. Sure, you might think, “Really, now, how much time could you spend eating?” And the answer is: Almost all of it. There are meals, of course, but then also there just seems to be endless amounts of snacking, not to mention the pie I had to make (because my dad likes pecan pie and I have to entice him to visit me SOMEHOW) and our traditional night of Chinese food which typically involves ordering enough food for a week and interrupting the steady shovelling of delicious MSG into our mouths only to give Chickadee occasional pointers on using her chopsticks more effectively. (more…)