“Promiscuous” is a synonym for “random”

By Mir
January 27, 2007

At least, it is according to thesaurus.com. And now that I know that, I can claim to be promiscuous for the first time in my life.

(Welcome to Woulda Coulda Shoulda! Now with more slutty!)

If I had a cohesive tale to tell you I would, because I’m an excellent sharer that way (perhaps it comes along with the promiscuity?), but the best I’m going to be able to muster right now is a few bits and pieces. This is my brain. This is stress. This is my brain on stress. Any questions? Not that there’s a damn thing I’ll do about it if you DO have questions, because today this is all I’ve got.

* * * * *

I love that so many people felt compelled to tell me that I will still need slippers in Georgia. Really? You mean it’s not 105 degrees there all year ’round? Golly. (See also: Math is hard.) I doubt I’ll require the LL Bean wicked good slippers there, however, but I thank you for your concern. I also thank you for your excellent suggestions; last night I broke down and wrapped the falling-apart slipper with duct tape. Pretty!

* * * * *

Remember the sad story of how I am nearly pantsless? I have been actively looking for jeans ever since I wrote that post. It’s HOPELESS. I even broke down and ordered three different styles from Eddie Bauer, reasoning that at least ONE of them should fit right. None of them fit. And today I ventured to the hated mall to return them to the store (so as not to have to pay return shipping) and guess what? The Eddie Bauer store is GONE. I know I don’t go to the mall very often (read: ever), but I think that was quite rude of them.

* * * * *

It had been a really long time since I heard from the crazy mother of my college boyfriend, and I thought I was finally rid of her. But no; today (not even my birthday! my soul must be CRYING OUT for guidance!) I received a missive in my inbox that was over-the-top even for her. It started out like this:

Dear Mir,

Are you there? It’s been so long since I’ve written you I can’t believe it. The years whoosh by and time seems irrelevant anymore. It’s only a human phenomena anyway, so I tell myself to keep working on that other word called eternity.

Yeah. Um. So, actually, the email address she wrote to no longer exists (this mail was forwarded to my new address), so I’m thinking maybe I never saw this mail. I’ve responded vaguely and politely for years and I think I’ve reached saturation. At this point I feel my options are to remain silent or just mail back: “PhenomenON. It’s a phenomenon, because phenomena is plural, and P.S. you are very kind but also nuts so please stop mailing me.”

* * * * *

I’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop with Chickadee, and she was having such a good year that I got comfortable—too comfortable—and thought she was okay. Or maybe I was too busy dealing with Monkey’s issues. Or maybe she’s just gotten better at hiding things until she’s really in a dark place. I don’t know. What I do know is that a few days ago when I thought things we bad, it was just the tip of the iceberg.

I also know that Chickadee is rapidly reaching an age where I don’t feel entitled to put her problems on display, and so for the first time I’m left speechless. I have a strong and beautiful and sensitive daughter who is really struggling, more than any child should have to. I am doing what I can for her and then when she is asleep or with her dad I just put my head down and weep. And that’s all I can say, right now.

* * * * *

So when I was on the phone with Otto, hysterical, yesterday, about everything that’s going on here, I said, “I am going to need A LOT MORE SHOES,” as my lame attempt at a joke. You know; I’m stressed out, I like to shop, I like shoes? And any other man might’ve said, “Huh?” But because Otto is Otto and he is the perfect man for me, without missing a beat he replied, “If you were here I would buy you some shoes right now.”

* * * * *

Have you noticed that Chris still hasn’t gotten her computer fixed? Are you as put out about this as I am? I am SO annoyed about it by now that I had to call her today and complain. And so I opened the conversation much as you might expect: “Hi, it’s Mir, and I’m sorry to call your cell phone but I don’t think I have your home phone number and I needed to call you and say that I miss you and you should FIX YOUR FUCKING COMPUTER.” She was totally feeling the love.

* * * * *

I have killed five giant ants in my family room today. Where are they coming from? It’s twelve degrees outside. There are precious few benefits to a frigid winter, but one of them—which I consider an inalienable right of the winter months—is A BREAK FROM INSECTS. It’s January and ants are NOT ALLOWED. They must’ve missed the memo.

* * * * *

And the icing on the crap cake: It’s PTA newsletter time again!


  1. Amy

    I hope everything straightens out with Chickadee soon. I teach 3rd grade and it breaks my heart when my kids struggle–they all want to ne happy and liked and smart, but they don’t always know how to be all those things without lots of love and support from all the important people in their lives.

  2. rachel

    I hope everything becomes less crappy soon. My 3rd grader with “issues” is having a rough spot right now, too. bah. But maybe it’ll pass soon?

    Otto clearly rocks. seriously.

    I can’t believe Chris doesn’t have a computer to comment on the whole Cocktail Playdate phenomenon. Sad, so sad.

  3. Lady M

    Otto is excellent! It’s so wonderful that he gets it – good for you, good for your shoe closet. That paragraph made me smile.

    Sending good wishes for Chickadee.

  4. Cele

    I feel for Chickie, I feel for you. One bright spot, we’ve all survived our adolescent and tweens (although how I’m not sure) Chickie will too, and it will be because of great, supportive parenting.

    I think at this point Joss might suggest a girls night out at the Flirtini bar.

  5. chris

    I did feel the love! And I do need to fix my FUCKING COMPUTER. I miss it.

    And my children felt the love too, that is why they all needed to scream in the background. SO that you might partake in the love also. YOu are welcome.

  6. Bah (or Bahrageous.  Whatever)

    I’m right there with you in regards to the small female with issues in the house. I find myself in the bathroom sobbing into my sleeve quite often. The fact that you worry about it proves how rockin a Mama you are.

    Oh, and duct tape? You’re definitely ready for GA. Heh.

  7. Mrs. S

    (I de-lurked on your 10-18-2006 post by mistake – just wanted to make sure you got that comment :D)

  8. Melanie

    Wow, um, scary ex-boyfriend’s mother. That’s wild. I wouldn’t respond, but then I’m mean and I wouldn’t ever have responded.. I hope Chickadee is okay – being a “tween” or whatever they call it now is so freaking hard. She’s lucky to have a mom who obviously cares for her so much and is doing her best to be there for her. Remembering my own adolescence, I was evil and bitchy and awful to my mom, and a miserable wreck to boot, but it was good to know that she was there to fall back on if I ever needed her. Moms are great for helping you feel grounded.

  9. Susan

    I love Otto even more now than I did before I started reading this. Which was a lot, you know.

    And I’m with you about Chris and her computer. Maybe it needs shoes.

  10. Sara

    Don’t you just HATE it when stores leave without telling you? I had the same experience yesterday. Went to a store to find my mother-in-law’s birthday present (we won’t even get into why the gift shopping fell into MY lap when it isn’t MY mother–it’s a good thing my mother-in-law is great!) and they were gone! Poof! No signs, no forwarding address, no nice little card stating that “We’ve Moved!” Now I have to drive to the store on the other side of the city–if it’s still there…

  11. dcrmom

    Our Eddie Bauer left too. That’s freaking annoying.

    Have you tried Lucky Brand??? Really. They rock. If you have a local store, that’s the best bet b/c they have awesome customer service. Otherwise, go to Gap and try the Curvy style.

    And that Otto, he’s a keeper.

  12. tori

    I’m sorry about Chickadee, and I know what you mean about them getting older and not being comfortable putting them on display. I always feel like people reading me are going to think I like my 3 year old the best, because I hardly ever talk about the rest, but really it is for the same reason. They are real people now, and their stories are not mine to share any longer. Good luck with whatever she is going through. I have a third grade daughter too, so if you want to commiserate with me, you have my email address.

  13. Daisy

    Hugs to both you and Chickadee. I wish you all the motherly luck in the world; you’ll make it through this. You will.

  14. dad

    I agree. Otto is a keeper.

  15. Heidi

    I mentioned the demise of Eddie Bauer stores listed, and my honey, who is the shopper in this house (me: Mall? Aarrgghh, no, you can’t make me!) told me that ours, too, has vanished. Huh. Maybe they’re shifting to catalog and online sales only, which really throws a wrench in the saving-shipping-costs angle.

  16. sumo

    I probably should have made this comment on the post that was actually about your pantslessness, but I am too lazy. Melissa talks about pants here:

    I wanted to direct you to the part about custom jeans for less than $50 at Target and JCPenny. I had assumed that you, being the shopping queen and Target aficionado that you are, probably already knew about and passed on those options. Today I decided to mention it, you know, just in case.

    Somewhat coincidentally, Melissa was on the Today show Friday (where she was pretty much compared to an alcoholic babysitter) and on that show they had a spot about finding jeans that fit. Now, I don’t like spending over $20 for jeans (another reason I didn’t mention the Target/Penny option before), but they tell me that $65 is very reasonable. I’m sure Meredith knows best!

  17. sumo

    I forgot to mention, good luck with the kids. Sorry, but I have no kids or advice. I just hope it works out for all of you.

  18. Lisa

    Mir- for the love of all that fits decently, go get yourself a pair of Lucky jeans. It will make all this more manageable. I promise.

  19. Woman with Kids

    For a minute there, I was afraid your ex-boyfriend’s crazy mother was my mother… because there is nothing – NOTHING – that can not be completely ignored so long as you say you’re “Handing It Over To God.” I think that’s some kind of code for ‘I have no idea, so I’m sticking my head in the sand. That’s me, hinney in the air, head in the sand.’

  20. MMM

    Wow. What can you say to any of that cept’ SORRY!

  21. Em

    Gotta love the thesaurus…it lets us be so many wonderful things!

    Sorry about the lack of pants though…nudity is not much of an option in Georgia. Pretty conservative state. :)

  22. Anki

    Those slippers are a real keep
    I am glad I landed up here … lovely stuff :D

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