August 31, 2006 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony, My name is Grumplestiltskin

My fellow Americans, you have certain inalienable rights which somebody once found to be self-evident. You have the right to bitch about gas prices while driving a Hummer (with or without a bumper sticker that reads, “Honk if you think I have a small penis!”). You have the right to complain about being fat while eating french fries.

You have the right to pay inflated property taxes to live in the town with the “good” public schools and then find yourself on the phone with the bus garage trying to remain calm while you demand to know WHERE YOUR CHILDREN ARE.

God bless our great country. (more…)

August 30, 2006 | What do I do all day?, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

It could’ve rained today; heck, it could’ve hailed. We could’ve missed the bus. Both children could’ve come home in tears and despair. It wouldn’t have mattered. My day was perfect by 6:30 this morning.

Perfection crept into my room at 6:15 and slipped under the covers beside me, all knees and elbows and flyaway hair. While Monkey has only recently stopped greeting me this way every single morning, I couldn’t tell you the last time Chickadee did so. She is rarely up first, for one thing. For another, she’s a little too old and cool to be seeking out a morning snuggle… usually.

Utter perfection by 6:30. I wrapped my arms around her and we whispered and giggled together in the early morning light. I finally chased her into the shower with a combination of empty threats and tickling, and then missed her immediately. (more…)

August 29, 2006 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Today was Open House at school, because someone decided that it would be a really splendiferous idea, this year, on account of so many people usually missing Open House because of summer travel and all, to have Open House the day before school starts.

That’s terribly helpful. An entire summer of “but where will I go?” and “what will my desk be like?” and a whole 22 hours of foreknowledge to soothe any wayward concerns. I’d like to meet the person who planned it this way, because I would like to thank them personally.

And the bus schedule was never sent out. Also useful. What HAS the administration been doing all summer? I may be in the wrong line of work. (more…)

My name is Grumplestiltskin

I only have to get through one more day with my darling, wonderful children. Just one. More. Day.

And then school starts! Glorious, wonderful school! We love school! School is very stimulating, and varied, and much more entertaining than I am. School makes the children happy and tires them out and it is really true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Why, when a child spends the entire day telling me that he is booooooored or that he NEEDS something RIGHT THIS SECOND or that she just FOUND those things which are NOT HERS which she is using, I am often not overflowing with the milk of human kindness by dinnertime. Oddly enough. But when those SAME children spend the day at school, I am nearly always DELIGHTED to spend dinner with them. See how that works?

Yes. Go away, it makes me love you more. (more…)

August 28, 2006 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

So I think that I may have mentioned in passing that I have the dubious honor of being a PTA chair this year. I think that usually, women with a lot of time on their hands and/or who really are concerned about the welfare of their children volunteer for these sorts of things. I don’t have much time and I’m guessing that if I REALLY cared about the welfare of my children, I probably wouldn’t be sending them to public school. Also, I’m quite clear that I never actually volunteered for anything.

Yet here I am. Hi, I’m in charge the monthly newsletter. Please send your fascinating PTA news items to me. (more…)

August 26, 2006 | What do I do all day?, Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Next week, school starts.

This week, the guilt started. BAD MOTHER! (shrieked my inner critic) SUMMER’S NEARLY GONE AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? I knew that we wouldn’t be going on a real vacation this summer, but I had hoped for a few mini-trips and maybe a handful of other adventures. Goal accomplished, if we’re counting the grocery store as a mini-trip and cutting the kids’ hair as an adventure (”Hold still so I don’t lop off your ear, please”).

What did we do this summer? Somehow “Journey to the bottom of Monkey’s closet” just doesn’t have the ring for which I’d hoped. (But for the record, it’s scary in there.) (more…)

Offspring: ecstasy and agony

“Okay, kids, what are we going to do at the planetarium today?”

“I dunno.”

It’s possible that it’s going to be a very long day.

August 25, 2006 | I'm dating the television

I can’t decide if he’s longsuffering or just not very bright.

(I’m kidding!)

And for the record, he’s not available. He wanted me to tell you that.

That’s true even if you didn’t scare him, which you did.

(more…)

August 24, 2006 | I'm dating the television

Guess what? It’s time once again for Love Thursday.

Several of you have asked for this picture already, and I have to confess as to why I haven’t posted it earlier: My camera sucks. My baby, my SLR, has been broken and gone for repair for a loooong time, and my point-and-shoot is more of a point-and-blur. And I hate to post a photo that doesn’t do the subject justice, but this is the best I can do right now.

Anyway. Here’s my contribution for this week: The now-famous blue birthday orchids from Otto.

It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Despite your well-wishes for my new robot lover and I to live a long and dustbunny-free life together, ’twas not to be. After taking him apart and lovingly cleaning his brushes (”Ewwww… how did all of this CRAP get in here when the stupid thing only RAN for FIVE MINUTES??”) and swabbing his sensors (yeah, baby) and reading his troubleshooting guide, I came to an inescapable conclusion:

One of the wheels was kaput.

Oh, he had the cliff sensors and the whiskery wall sensor thingie and height control and happy brushes and all, but one of the wheels was so jammed up that it just. wouldn’t. turn. And I’m not a vacuumologist or anything, but I’m thinking that inability to locomote other than in a teeny neverending circle is going to be problematic, from a cleaning standpoint. (more…)