I only have to get through one more day with my darling, wonderful children. Just one. More. Day.
And then school starts! Glorious, wonderful school! We love school! School is very stimulating, and varied, and much more entertaining than I am. School makes the children happy and tires them out and it is really true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Why, when a child spends the entire day telling me that he is booooooored or that he NEEDS something RIGHT THIS SECOND or that she just FOUND those things which are NOT HERS which she is using, I am often not overflowing with the milk of human kindness by dinnertime. Oddly enough. But when those SAME children spend the day at school, I am nearly always DELIGHTED to spend dinner with them. See how that works?
Yes. Go away, it makes me love you more.
And you would think that I’d be in a relatively good mood today. School starts in just a day. The PTA newsletter is complete. Tonight I gave myself the closest thing I can manage to a decadent pedicure here at home—and it was the first such treatment post-walk, so I was finally able to shave off my callouses—and you KNOW how fresh toenail polish usually cheers me right up. And yet, I’m crabby. Lord, I am crabby.
Why am I crabby? Has something awful happened? No. A lot of little, annoying things have happened and life is good and well and fine but these things are making me crabby.
The top 10 things which are invoking a stern glare from me right now:
1) I told Phil I didn’t like him in THAT way (wait; maybe I gave him the “it’s not you, it’s me” speech… I can’t remember), and he stopped trying to eat my face. This is a good thing. He has receded considerably and I shouldn’t complain. But. (Always a but!) But now I appear to have a permanent bump on my chin…? It doesn’t hurt. It barely even shows. But it’s a lump that didn’t used to be there. I am glaring at you, Phil.
2) I finished the newsletter and should be patting myself on the back, right about now. Am I doing that? No, I am not. Do you know why? No? Well let me tell you! It’s because when I went to turn it over to the person who handles the next step, it turned out that… there IS NO PERSON WHO HANDLES THE NEXT STEP. Hahaha! Hmph. Half a dozen phone calls later, apparently I’m taking care of THAT, too.
3) On Sunday my ex insisted on letting the children bring their soul-sucking Gameboys over to my house. They are supposed to be “Daddy’s house toys” and never darken my doorstep. I hate them. Of course when I tried to demur, all three of them argued with me, because THAT’s what co-parenting is all about (thanks!), so I said FINE, you can keep them here until you see Daddy on Tuesday. Then, today, Chickadee got mouthy over something and I told her to bring me her Gameboy. Once again, I’m the bad guy who takes away the cherished toy. I JUST LOVE THAT.
4) Joshilyn is doing a booksigning this week in Athens… less than 24 hours before I ARRIVE IN ATHENS. Can I tell you how much that sucks? It sucks great big hairy donkey balls. Twice.
5) I received my new estrogen gel from Canada today, which was exciting. What was not exciting was realizing that it comes in bottles roughly the size of a can of hairspray, and that chances are that airport security would hassle me about it, because I might want to blow up airplanes with my hormone replacement. If the containers were smaller, I would risk it—if it got confiscated, I would think uncharitable thoughts about the Transit Authority people and deal. But I cannot risk having an entire month’s supply taken from me (nor am I willing to subject it to extreme temperatures by putting it in checked baggage), so I guess for my upcoming trip it’s back to the ol’ patch-on-the-ass.
6) I received a check I was waiting for, today. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I am beginning to realize that very few people actually READ or BELIEVE that whole “payment is due within 10 days of receipt of invoice” bit on the bottom of my bills. I’m not saying I want to go back to my corporate days, or anything. I’m just saying that a regular, predictable paycheck sure was nice.
7) After writing this piece for BlogHer I realized that I had lied. I said I can’t stand kids who don’t have good manners. The reality is that I can’t stand it when ANYONE has lousy manners. That includes, but is not limited to:
A) If I do something for you, say thank you.
B) If I am buying something from you, LOOK AT ME.
C) If you tell me you are going to get me something I need, DO IT or at least let me know that you’re delayed.
D) Do not tell me you’re putting me on hold and then disconnect my call.
8) My main email is no longer working with my Outlook. No one knows why. The ISP support rep who spent a while trying to help me fix it led me through a bunch of command-line telnet prompts that gave interesting confirmation messages; I suggested that next it would tell me that all your base are belong to us, and he immediately responded with “Yes. How are you gentlemen.” This made me somewhat fond of him, but did not actually fix my mail problem.
9) I bagged up the kitchen garbage and put it by the side door last night, but it was raining so I left it there. Then today, I forgot about it for a while (oops) and when I finally took it out, I discovered that it had leaked a puddle of… well, I don’t really want to know… all over the mudroom floor.
10) The laundry is STILL not putting itself away. Dammit.
I know I just made rice krispie treats as the official “we’re going back to school” treat, but this may call for brownies.