May 31, 2006 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

It came to me in a giant epiphany today that my (recurrent) neck injury is really just a metaphor for my (afflicted) mental state. The neck, you see, is necessary to tote the head around with the rest of the body. And the head, sometimes it just seems a bit much for the fragile neck. And my neck hurts.

It seems to me that this only happens when my head is overfull of all of the sorts of things that make me wonder if THIS time, perhaps, FINALLY I’ve reached the point of no return where people whisper quietly behind my back because you know, quirky is one thing, but at a certain point it probably does become genuine mental illness. Well, that and being in a car accident. Ha. Haha. Why aren’t you laughing?

Don’t worry, I’m laughing enough for all of us.
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May 30, 2006 | What do I do all day?

I know this is going to come as a HUGE SHOCK, but I’m not exactly the most optimistic person in the world. I KNOW! I hide it really well. And you may be dismayed to learn I sometimes don’t have that joy joy joy joy down in my heart, but it’s okay. Do not fret.

Because SOMETIMES, I wake up in the morning JUST KNOWING that today will be a Good Day. I cast aside my usual angst and embrace the morning. It’s a new day; a fresh start; and I am READY.

This morning was one of those days. Today would be the turning point. After a couple of weeks of ongoing suckitude, today would be the day I’d look back on and say, “That’s when it all started getting better.” I could feel it. I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life. Today would go down in history!
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May 29, 2006 | Health is overrated

You know my obsession with The Food Network, yes? Right now they are doing a show on the secret life of steaks. I was not aware that steaks were 1) sentient and 2) sneaky. (I mean, okay, I know steak comes from cows, which are indeed sentient. But a sneaky cow? Really?) This show is making me hungry.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It’s dark out, and I’m on muscle relaxers, so probably it’s nothing. Just a hallucination! Disregard the medicated woman! Wooooooo!

Sorry, what were we talking about? And who are you, again?
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May 27, 2006 | At least he pays child support

Funny, it doesn’t actually LOOK like all that much, to me, once I view it in a little picture. It doesn’t LOOK like hours and hours of hauling and dragging and sorting and boxes that fell apart halfway up the stairs.

And as much fun as we had TODAY, we get to do (just about) all of it AGAIN when the dumpster gets here! Yay!
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May 26, 2006 | What do I do all day?

Dear Chickadee,

This week you have lied about all manner of things both important and inconsequential, insisted on wearing overalls two sizes too small to school, tormented your brother, and generally driven me insane. So it was with some trepidation that I asked you to put napkins in the lunchboxes, this morning, while I ran upstairs to get dressed. I cannot even explain to you how I felt when Monkey’s teacher pulled me aside to let me know that you’d tucked a little note into his lunch. It is that seed of unbounded love that I pray will become the mainstay of your behavioral motivation. In the meantime, these little glimpses may just keep you from being sold to the gypsies. For now.

* * * * *
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May 25, 2006 | Retail Therapy

The wheels of bureaucracy continue to turn, albeit at the standard snail-like pace. I don’t really have an update for all of you pretty people who are joining me in shaking a fist in the air (or, alternatively, right in Ramon’s face), but things are moving. Do not celebrate just yet. I am heartened, however, that my insurance agent came to my house this evening his own damn self to take pictures in the basement. He is playing phone tag with the head adjustor muckity-muck, and now has pictures OF MY DRAIN (you know, the one with the BACKED UP WATER) to send along should they be needed.

In the meantime, Tales of the Dumpster to come next week! Also, feel free to come on over and rob my house (of all my rare and valuable… soggy cardboard boxes) any day I’ve got the bulkhead thrown open. I recommend wearing a breathing filtration system, though.
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May 24, 2006 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

My children love a good joke. And while I am delighted that we’ve (finally) moved past the knock-knock stage, it’s hard to know at any given time what sort of jokes they’ll like, or even get.

Our ongoing quest at the moment is to get Monkey to understand the string joke.

A string walks into a bar and says, “Bartender! Gimme a drink!”

And the string says, “I’m not a string! I’m a frayed knot!”

Monkey laughs and laughs and laughs… and then says, “Wait. I don’t get it.”
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May 23, 2006 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

I’m working on the score right now. I anticipate a smash hit, actually. There are lots of catchy songs, and I dunno, they just CAME to me. Almost like I already knew them.

Let’s see. There’s “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Lung Fungus.” And “Try Ev’ry Sump Pump.” Oh! An adorable number for the children, of course, called “Doh! Wasn’t Me!” There’s one with puppets, called “The Lonely Blogger.” What else… oh! A big production number, “Go Wrong, So Well.” There’s also a soft ballad (for variety, you understand) called “Dandelions.” And a cute little romantic number, “Thirty-Four Going On Eighty-Five.”

But the best one, well, I think I’m ready to share it with you. I’d like to sing it for you, but you’ll just have to imagine. I hope you like it. It’s sort of my baby. It’s called “My Suckiest Days.”
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May 21, 2006 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

[But first! A non-sequitor! I am SO ENJOYING all of the angry comments/emails I continue to receive about this post, where I thought I was making fun of a commercial but APPARENTLY I was REALLY saying that I thought cancer was funny. Because that’s the sort of person I am. The sort of person who thinks cancer is a laughing matter. That’s me! Anyway, I’ve been so successful with that, I thought it was time to expand my campaign.

So, I ask you: Have you seen the commercial for Coppertone Sport Spray? The perky, happy people in the commercial assure me that it’s the very best sunscreen EVER for their active lifestyles. Even the cyclist guy insists that it’s ultra-sweatproof and won’t run into his eyes no matter how much he sweats (and then they show him cycling, dripping in sweat). Can someone explain to me HOW the sunscreen doesn’t end up in your eyes when your entire face is RUNNING with perspiration? I don’t buy it.

And clearly this means I think blindness is funny. Commence with the hatemail.]
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May 20, 2006 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Huck: Baron Baptiste? Seriously? No wonder your mom’s so weird, Monkey.
Rainboy: LOOK AT MY CARDS I HAVE THESE POKEMON CARDS AND YOU SHOULD LOOK AT THEM CUZ I HAVE THEM RIGHT HERE THE POKEMON CARDS I HAVE LOOK!
Monkey: Um, if you two stop talking for a minute, my mom’s eye might stop twitching and then maybe she’ll give us cookies.

Your turn!