I didn’t want to look around, anyway

By Mir
May 29, 2006

You know my obsession with The Food Network, yes? Right now they are doing a show on the secret life of steaks. I was not aware that steaks were 1) sentient and 2) sneaky. (I mean, okay, I know steak comes from cows, which are indeed sentient. But a sneaky cow? Really?) This show is making me hungry.

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It’s dark out, and I’m on muscle relaxers, so probably it’s nothing. Just a hallucination! Disregard the medicated woman! Wooooooo!

Sorry, what were we talking about? And who are you, again?

I fought the basement, and I’m pretty sure I won, but it might be a draw. It’s very close, is all I’m saying. I don’t know if I did something while lugging boxes or if I have a bit of whiplash from being rammed on Friday, but my neck is having deja vu. My neck is fondly remembering what it was like back in December when I was in so much pain I was willing to go visit a crazy man who wears socks with his sandals.

In short, my neck hurts a whole lot.

I’m taking hot showers and icing it a few times a day and taking my leftover Flexeril and handfuls of anti-inflammatories. Oh, and carrying a lot of heavy stuff. Because nothing says “baby your injury” like a basement that needs to be emptied.

The good news is that IT IS DONE. As of today, the only thing left down there that needs to come out is an old air conditioner, and I fully plan to bat my eyelashes tomorrow and let the guys who come to spray move it for me. We will pretend not to think about how we still need to get that big pile of crap into the dumpster. Lalalala! My ex said today, “We can put the air conditioner into the dumpster… except I have no idea HOW we would GET IT IN there.” He has a point. I may have to use all of the other garbage to build a pyramid of sorts, next to the dumpster. Then we can just drag the air conditioner up until we’re level with the top of the dumpster. At that point, I will offer up a brief prayer to the gods of archaic appliances, and we can toss it in. It will nestle happily between the broken screen door that’s been leaning against the shed for three years and the pieces of The Stench Rug which was slashed amidst much gagging.


Soon all will be set to rights, and hopefully my neck will get better, too. Of course, the fiasco with the basement has kept me so busy, the rest of the house has been horribly neglected. So today, seeing as how I could ALMOST turn my neck to the right again (woo!), I cleaned the kitchen and changed everyone’s sheets and did 3 loads of laundry. I’m sure that helped my neck tons. Yep.

I also cooked a lovely dinner (which the children didn’t eat) and while it was in the oven, threw together a tomato/onion/feta salad to eat during the week. Chickadee is a feta HOUND and so was hanging out in the kitchen with me, stealing nibbles. She was working in some reading comprehension book and regaling me with the paragraphs therein and then her most hilarious guesses for answers. Like: “I live in the north where it’s cold. I look ferocious but I’m really gentle and shy. What am I?” And she would screw up her little face and think about it and then declare, “Oh! I KNOW! It’s a… TABLECLOTH!” So funny, that kid. It just never got old, no matter how many passages she read to me.

Now let’s all stop and thank the lord for the Flexeril. I should help them make a commercial. “Flexeril… it helps with those pesky muscle spasms when you’re in agony, AND it makes your kids REALLY FUNNY!”

The one saving grace is that when I asked the kids to please clean their rooms while I was busy doing dishes and such… they actually did it. Here I thought I was just nursing a neck injury. But then they went ahead and did what I asked and were helpful.

Now I’m pretty sure I’m dying. I will miss me.

But I will not miss the basement. Or my neck.


  1. Karen Rani

    I sure wish I could help….I’ll be back to work for you tomorrow – though it will be from the safe and dry space of my computer desk. I hope your neck feels better!

  2. Erin (erin-erin-bo-berin)

    I suffered a broken C2 vertebrae in a car accident about three years ago, and my neck still acts up from time to time. Stupid muscle spasms. I’m only 31, for goodness’sake!
    I take Demerol for the occasional bouts of pain, and it makes me pretty loopy. Before too long, I’m like: “OW! Stubbed my toe! Where’s the Demerol?” I still haven’t figured out if it actually stops the pain, or if I just stop caring about the pain.
    You just ‘bat those eyelashes’! Me? I wear a tight t-shirt.

  3. Cele

    I finally told my husband yesterday that I now know when to say I have done to much and am exhausted…of course, I could’t move by that time. hmmm flexeril?

  4. Vicky

    I will miss you too. Please stay on this shiny, pretty side of the dirt and continue to regale us with your tales.

    Kids are shocking when they do what you ask…always makes me wonder when they’re next going to be using my common name…”Mom-Can-I-Have”

  5. Jim


  6. nancy

    Some dumpsters have a one side that swings open like a door so you can walk everything inside. Its much easier on the broken back.

  7. tori

    I have been on vicodin for a few days recovering from my hysterectomy, so I totally know what you mean about it making your kids funnier. I think if I could just stay on these drugs, everyone would be much happier! I think kids can sometimes sense when you just can’t take any more and they know they need to follow orders. I’m pretty sure you are not dying..I am not a doctor, but I play one on my kids.

  8. Amy-GO

    No, no, no, you cannot die. I would miss you too much. Did you know that Pie is good for neck injuries? It’s TRUE. And remember, nothing says “Please move my air conditioner” like a Tinkerbell t-shirt!

  9. Bob

    Amy-GO beat me to it. Whip out tinkerbell and you’ll have no problems getting that pesky-wesky air thingy in the dumpster-wumpster. OK, maybe just tinkerbell and no baby-talk. I just gave myself the huzzes hearing it.

    You always post the most interesting things when I take off for the weekend. almost-car wrecks, disarming girl-child stories and amazing rack shots. And pie. I, myself, had some awesome pie this weekend – strawberry rhubarb. yummmmm.

    I sympathize with the neck thing, I have it every few years. Hot showers work wonders for me, followed by NO LIFTING OR EXCESSIVE WORKING. Try taking it a little easy, kiddo.

    P.S. I understand that the cause of back troubles for some women come from supporting their tinkerbells.

  10. Kris

    I shall miss you too. Let me know when the service is, and I’ll send flowers. *snort*

    Now go take a couple more flexeril and just hang out. Literally.

  11. Brian

    Saw the same show on steak last night. I’m still hungry thinking about it.

    Who needs a shirt to get the air conditioner moved? I’m just sayin’. It would be a good chance to test your theory on whether you could have gotten your humidifiers cheaper.

  12. Brenda

    Aaaaaaah, Flexeril. It was wonderful, except for the part where I didn’t want to move, and made me just a little (justa itty, bitty smidge) loopy. Not good when you have to commute and work in an office.

    So I’ve settled for Norflex. Stops the spasms, but doesn’t leave me floating out near Saturn with Major Tom.

    My doctor has also, kindly, given me Vicodin. All praise the Vicodin!!!

    Did I tell you I now take the bus to work?

  13. shannon

    You know, Mir, looking around is far overrated…

    Hope you’re feeling better now!

  14. David

    Poor Mir. *tsk-tsking* You should definitely coax Amy-GO into sending another therapeutic pie. I must say, though, that your A/C problem would be much simpler down here. See, it’s already hot down here in the south. All you’d have to do is leave that little baby out by the curb. Next morning, it would be flat smooth gone, whether it worked or not.

  15. Dawn

    I cannot take Flexeril. It makes me extremely tired, loopy and NASTY. Not at all like the nice “happy place” loopy I get with most loop-inducing drugs. After a back injury, I spent 3 days in bed, whacked out on Flexeril, only surfacing to SNARL at my children, who were very patient with me, the little dears. I finally stayed awake long enough to realize it was the drug and not the pain that was making me EVIL, so switched to another med.

    I hope your neck heals without needing visits to the sock & sandal man.

    Isn’t getting rid of old appliances fun? You should defintely wear the Tinkerbell T and offer the nice men pie.

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