December 31, 2005 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

In a little while we’re off to go party like it’s 2006. Woo! After we arrive my children will go run with a pack of feral minors, and I won’t see them again until it’s time to leave. I’ll go hang out with the grown-ups, and charm folks with my habit of saying smooth things like “I have crabs! Crabs DIP! HAHAHA!”

But it’s REALLY good crab dip. I promise. It’s served with squares of melba toast, which are merely a vehicle for getting the dip from the dish to your mouth. It’s a scientific fact that when the melba toast runs out, it can be replaced with chips of cardboard and no one will even notice.

Here’s to all good things in 2006. Or at least plenty of good snacks.

December 30, 2005 | What do I do all day?

The battle against STUFF has officially begun in earnest. No, I won’t be done by the end of 2005, but progress is being made.

Um, speaking of purging… there’s an ad on right now for Nutrisystem Nourish (motto: Now with MORE IRONY!), and the spokesskeleton is talking about how she went from a size 10 to a size 4 in just 3 months, or something. First of all? She looked pretty good as a size 10. Second? I’m a size 4, and I’m twice as big as her. What is it about the impending new year that makes everyone want to get so skinny that those of us who were thin to begin with start wondering if we woke up fat one day and didn’t notice?

Sorry, what was I talking about? I was mesmerized by the commercial and then I had to go eat half a pan of brownies in the name of feminism. Yes. What?
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December 29, 2005 | My name is Grumplestiltskin

Oh, I had plans for this week. Big plans! Important plans!

Said plans were approximately thus:

1) Sleep. Lots.
2) Eat. Lots.
3) Catch up on laundry.
4) Clean up the piles of papers everywhere.
5) Put away the Christmas stuff.
6) Donate outgrown/discarded/embarrasing clothing.
7) Throw away the stuff that needs to be thrown away.
8) Clean out that kitchen cabinet where opening the door always causes an avalanche.
9) Get the kids to clean up the playroom so that I can…
10) … get the old computer set up with the kids’ games.

As usual, reality so seldom lives up to my motivation.
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December 28, 2005 | Friends

I realized, writing it down, how very wrong that sounds, or perhaps as if I’m about to tell you all about my new emo band. I know. But there is no help for it, for this is what I must tell you about.

Or rather, this is what I was GOING to tell you about, before Joshilyn beat me to it because she just HAPPENED to be blogging while we were chatting earlier. Bless her heart.

Anyway, she beat me to it, but I will tell you even MORE because really, is there such a thing as too much warty genitalia? Of course there isn’t. So let’s start with the obvious:
1) No, I’m not talking about ME. Or anyone I KNOW.
2) I cannot WAIT to see what my Google Ads come up with after this entry.
3) Really, is it fair to STEAL references to warty genitalia from a friend and blog them, yourself? Only if you are very, very pretty. Joss is off the hook.
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December 27, 2005 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Before I had children, I believed that all toys should be educational. There would be no mindless video games, there would be no sexist, female-objectifying plastic dolls, no “latest and greatest” toys purchased because my child(ren) had been hypnotized by commercials to believe that without that toy, there was no point in living. And since my children wouldn’t be watching television commercials, that would be easy. I’m not sure any of these plans actually involved a plastic bubble, but maybe if they had, it all would’ve worked out.

So–as I’m sure you’ve already guessed–there were a few fatal flaws in my planning. Most notably that I had my head up my ass when I made all of those decisions. It’s very easy to set rules for fictitious children, I’ve found. Unfortunately, the real live ones tend to be a bit more difficult. Particularly if you allow them to leave the house and mingle with other real live children.

Also, as much as I enjoyed arguing with my ex about “appropriate toys” while we were still married, I hold even less sway over his actions, now that we’re divorced. And he’s entitled to his opinions, even though they’re all wrong.
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December 26, 2005 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Tune in right now to your local Instant Messenger installation to experience the joy of my one-woman show, powered by beer and pretzels. I’m very entertaining. To myself. And possibly a few friends, though they might just be scared to point out that I am an incredible dork.

Wow, one beer and suddenly it’s a major tragedy when I reach the bottom of the pretzel bag. DAMN YOU, PRETZELS! RUNNING OUT ON ME WITH YOUR SALTY GOODNESS SUDDENLY GONE! I have abandonment issues. Pretzels give me flashbacks. What’s not to enjoy?

Ahem. By the way? Me = cheap date.
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December 25, 2005 | Haven't been hit by lightning yet!

Sometimes I actually get it. If some teenager can ride all day on a donkey, 9 months pregnant, and then deliver her own baby in a stable and still consider it an amazing and wonderful thing… well, I guess I can set aside the less-than-perfect aspects of my own life and bask in the miracles around me.

I mean, hell; being in a nice warm house free of dung is sort of the jackpot, in comparison, right off the bat. Add in not having to squeeze a messiah out of my nether regions, and my day really starts to look like a party pretty much no matter what. For one thing, I have a nice big bottle of Advil right there on the counter.

Regardless. Today was an excellent Christmas.
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December 23, 2005 | What do I do all day?

And all through the house, I was still running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

Actually, no. Tonight I am not doing that. That’s what I was doing earlier today.

You see, um, sometimes Santa has me help him out, a little? And I am of course impeccably organized? Except when I’m not…? So I spent part of today while the kids were gone tearing apart the house looking for some special stocking-stuffer candy I knew I had, but couldn’t find. This included a call to the friend who was shopping with me when I bought it.

Me: Do you remember when we got that stuff at Target?
Her: … Um, hi! I’m fine, thanks.
Me: Right, yeah, hi. Do you remember? Did I take my stuff? Do you know where I put it?
Her: I can check here…
Me: No, I think I took it. BUT WHERE DID I PUT IT?
Her: Was I supposed to get that information from you? I’m sorry.
Me: Okay, well, I have to go kill myself now. Talk to you later.
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December 22, 2005 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

Eight gift baskets made it out the door this morning. Yay! But I forgot that it was “Polar Express” day in Monkey’s class, and so he was not properly attired in his pajamas and was quite angry with me. Boo.

I was pretty much curled up in a ball of misery by the time I went to bed last night, between the neck spasms and the migraine. Boo. This morning my head is fine and my neck is better than it’s been in weeks. Yay! (I didn’t see him today, but I feel certain that the chiroquactor donned actual shoes today. I’m telling you, it’s the sandals that cause problems.)

After dropping the kids with their dad I ran some errands and managed to find the ONE perfect gift I’d given up on locating. (I’d substituted something else, but now I don’t have to.) Yay! But then I thought hey, I was SO LUCKY here at this store, perhaps I will buy myself a new top or something to wear on Christmas! I looked around for nearly half an hour and found… one top which was 1) low-priced, 2) borderline acceptable, and 3) the right size. It had a small snag so I set it down and kept looking… and when I couldn’t find anything I decided to go back for it. And it was gone. Boo.

While getting ready to do some serious! power! wrapping! this evening, I managed to give myself a deep and annoying papercut while grabbing a roll of paper. Boo. (I guess it turns out that I really AM a delicate flower. I suspect there is a pea underneath my mattress, by the way.) But then I overcame extreme adversity (extreme adversity = scotch tape constantly sticking to the band-aid on my knuckle) to wrap a gajillion presents in record time. Yay!

It’s been two months since Hairgate. I’m finally starting to get a little bushy. So I called and made a haircut appointment for next week. Yay? Boo? I’m scared. But bushy. But scared. But at least I know that Santa is bringing me a new hat….

December 21, 2005 | Health is overrated

My bed is calling me. It says “Sweet nothingness awaits you here! Come drool on my pillows and know bliss!”

I’m slightly disturbed that it’s talking to me, but as long as it says nothing about cookies, I’m down with the overall message.

Cookies. I baked five different kinds of cookies for eight different teachers. Figure half a dozen of each kind for each teacher. That’s… five times eight times six is… TOO MANY FREAKING COOKIES. Honestly, I have the biggest sweet tooth around, and after a solid day and a half of rotating cookies sheets in and out of the oven and preparing gift baskets I am actually nauseous at the thought of even LOOKING at any more cookies.
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