October 14, 2005 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

… look! Over there! SOMETHING SHINY!

Crap. It’s just a grey hair. An entire afternoon of scrubbing my head with everything short of brillo pads seemed to have little effect on The Dye Job From Hell, last week, but now we have a handy reminder that… hair grows. And grey grows faster than anything else.

Wait. *peering closer* I knew it! Even my hair doesn’t grow that fast. It’s just a grey hair that decided to release all the dye. So my normal hair is still unnaturally dark, but THANK GOODNESS the grey has decided to resume its former glory. All I need now is for my boobs to make the same sort of comeback and no one will even notice the grey!

If I was going somewhere with that, it was nowhere good. Let’s start over.
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October 13, 2005 | Job? Huh?

First things first: Get your own delicious, dusty brains here.

Now that that’s out of the way, I thought you’d all like to share in the excitement that is today’s letter from my friendly neighborhood Unemployment Office. Remember all those fun “workshops” I get to go to? Well, they wanted to let me know that the wait for more thrill-a-minute instruction is almost over–I have been summoned to appear for a workshop on Interviewing on October 25th. Failure to appear may result in immediate termination of my benefits, as well as hair loss, cavities, and the inability to do anything other than drool on potential employers.

I know I’ve made fun of these things before, but I’m here to tell you that I repent. I do. I was thrilled to receive that notice today. Tickled, really.

Stop laughing. Don’t you believe me? I swear that I am absolutely, positively, 100% telling you the truth…
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Offspring: ecstasy and agony

Monkey: If you love Mama more than apple dumpling cake, raise your hand!
*he raises his hand, while his sister stares out the window*
Chickadee: I’m not raising my hand.
Monkey: Well I am! I love Mama more than cake!
Me: You didn’t even LIKE the cake.
Monkey: Right, so I love you more!
Me: Thanks.
Chickadee: I didn’t raise my hand because I think I love that cake more. It’s sooo good!
Me: Okay, so let me get this straight. YOU love me more than cake you hate, and YOU would rather have a piece of cake than a mother who loves you. Wow, I feel special.
Chickadee: Don’t worry, Mama. I still need you to GET the cake for me.

October 12, 2005 | What do I do all day?

It was dark when we got up today. Daaaark. In the morning. I hate that. Also, it’s still raining.

Plus: Hey, I can’t possibly be expected to mow or rake in this sort of weather.

Minus: I can’t put out the Halloween decorations without a measure or two more of motherly commitment than I currently possess.

Apropos of nothing: I think I should have my hearing checked. Here in the Land O’ Dunkin Donuts they keep running this commercial for the new vanilla spice coffee. Twice now I have been COMPLETELY POSITIVE that they were hawking “new liver spice coffee!”

It’s not that I’ve been drinking liver spice coffee (or any coffee, for that matter), but I warn you now that there is no cohesion to be had here. It’s just been that sort of day. Apples, yes. Beauty tips, sure. But no cohesion.
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October 11, 2005 | Growing

Sometimes I find myself being impatient with my children when they are slow to change behavior that has already proven counterproductive. To wit: Monkey does NOT like it if he is the last one upstairs on school mornings. You’d think this would compel him to get ready faster, but you’d be wrong. What it DOES cause him to do is pitch a great big hairy hissy fit when he realizes that I am packing lunches and Chickadee is eating breakfast and he is standing at the top of the stairs, alone and naked save for the underwear on his head. It’s becoming a problem.

And honestly, I have no idea where he gets that. Make the same mistake over and over, and then cry about the results? That’s just dumb. And so completely foreign to me. Ahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Sorry. I really thought I was going to manage that one with a straight face, but ummmm, no.

[For you, Dad: Why do I keep banging my head against this wall? Because it feels so good when I finally stop!]
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October 10, 2005 | Offspring: ecstasy and agony

The following is a compilation of conversations and written communication I either have had today or will have tomorrow. Some are completely accurate. Some may change a bit once I think about it some more, but it really depends on how much sleep I get tonight.

First sidebar: The Big Kiwi Project is shaping up nicely. Chickadee and her dad were busy this weekend, and I now have a large hairy mama kiwi and three offspring and an egg living here in the house. Sadly, one of the three chicks was immediately confiscated by Monkey, and now lives in a plastic bin where it is being babysat by one of Monkey’s umpteen stuffed puppies.

Second sidebar: Hey, the top of my hair is actually brown again. It almost sort of looks like I had black hair and had highlights done… by a drunken rodeo clown. Shut up.

Onward.
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Friends

That news that wasn’t mine to share? The cat’s out of the bag.

There are all kinds of people in this world. Some walk by us as we journey. Some place obstacles in our path. Some walk with us for a bit. And a very special few make us remember why we’re travelling in the first place.

Go give a virtual hug to my darling Kira, if you can pull her down from that cloud for a minute. This sort of happiness is rare, and hard-won. I dare you to read her entry and not melt a little.

October 9, 2005 | I'm dating the television

Many important things happened this weekend, but I’ve got to watch TV right now or, um, I would be less pathetic. And we don’t want THAT to happen.

Although, I did go out on Saturday night amongst grown-ups to a comedy show. That was almost like being a social person. And the last comedian actually improvised (hilariously) for over twenty minutes on some random audience member’s wallet. And I was very pleased we weren’t sitting right in front.

I believe someone previously recommended to me “those thingies that dissolve in the shower and create vapor” when I had a cold. They just ran a commercial for them–Sudacare Shower Soothers. They look like urinal cakes; which, I suppose, may indeed scare the snot right out of you. However, I think I’ll pass.

Anyway! On to the big news!
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October 7, 2005 | It's not a regret, it's an "experience"

1) The duvet set is this one. It’s so… girly. Very unlike me, really. It’s the sort of thing I would never foist upon any self-respecting male. Fortunately no self-respecting male will ever be found in my bedroom!

2) I haven’t made anything with the apples yet, but the votes were overwhelmingly in favor of crisp. That’s my favorite, anyway; when I work with pastry dough, I tend to swear excessively and then ruin my creation with all the tears I end up crying into the helpless, overworked crust.

3) Okay, technically no one asked this, but in case you were WONDERING (and admit it, you totally were) just how fabulous I am, Joshilyn declared the following to me this afternoon: “You are the FRESH new flavor at baskin robbins. YOU PROBABLY HAVE GUM IN YOU, and a MINTY RIBBON.”

4) I was granted permission to share that sentiment with you because it in no way contained any reference to genitalia. Although–if we’re being completely honest, here–I did edit the spelling, because Joss’ V key (probably from sheer terror of the word VAGINA) is not working, and I didn’t think it had nearly the same impact to say that I “HAE GUM” in me.

5) I washed that grey right outta my hair. Um, sort of. Actually, I feel a letter coming on….
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October 6, 2005 | Retail Therapy

I’m not really allowed to go to Target these days. Money’s tight, and let’s face it, there is no walking into Target for an item or two. I can go in there for socks and come out with lawn furniture. Swinging by to pick up juice boxes on sale? I come home with towels. It’s a problem. Those little red clearance stickers woo me with their promises of bargain nirvana.

So. I’ve been staying away.

But today, I HAD to go to Target, on account of I’m almost out of my little rectangles of sanity (otherwise known as hormone patches). And there were a few other things I needed to get. So I allowed myself to visit Mecca.
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