Mysteries of the universe

By Mir
October 23, 2005

It’s Sunday night, and I’m all about the deep thoughts. There are so many unknowns in this world… I only wish I could unravel the truth behind some of these complex issues. I think I would sleep better at night. Hey, I would certainly sleep better at night if a man who adores me was all cuddled up with me, but that would probably lead to him stealing the covers and snoring and farting and God only knows what else, plus that’s just not happening anyway, so let’s proceed on the theory that my sleep will be aided by figuring out some of these things, instead.

And stop looking at me like that.


… does your hair–which is growing in a million different directions and looking like crap 98% of the time–always look SMOKING HOT right before you get it cut? And late at night right before you go to bed, but only when you’re alone?

… do the children who never manage to get their laundry into the hamper then complain that they have no clean socks?

… haven’t I gotten my Sunday paper for the last three weeks? Is someone stealing it or did the paper guy finally figure out that I never tip him at Christmas?

… is there apparently a virus that makes children sick for Mama on Thursday and Friday, but perfectly fine for Daddy on the weekend?

… does it always rain on the day you planned to go to the dump?

… do I only get sick on the every-other-weekend when the kids are gone and I have a million things to do?

… are the shows I really like always cancelled?

… has my insurance decided they will no longer pay for medication which they’ve covered for years?

… is Brian Austin Green still on television? Didn’t someone put him out of his misery after 90210?

… do credit card companies keep wooing me even though I already have a combined monthly credit line of more than I make in a typical YEAR?

… do the things that are a little too big never shrink in the wash and the things that fit perfectly come out suitably sized for Barbie dolls?

… don’t I have anything good to eat here? It’s almost like someone ate all the cookies, or something.

So many conundrums. So few snacks.


  1. DebR

    I’ve noticed the hair thing many, many times, through many, many different styles. I was having a great hair day today, so I expect to wake up tomorrow, look in the mirror, scream, and be on the phone for an emergency trim appointment. The hair gods have a weird sense of humor.

    They (the cosmic “they”) cancel tv shows you like for the same reason they stop making ice cream flavors you like or change the style of the perfect jeans…sheer perversity.

    I don’t know the answers to any of the rest of them. If you figure them out, will you share the knowledge?

  2. Jenn

    I found you the perfect man to snuggle up with at night. He won’t snore, fart of mind if you drool all over him when you are sleeping. Hey, I want one to, come to think of it.

    As for your other questions, uhhh, welll…..I have no idea. Except the children and their dirty socks thing. It is because they live to torture us, honey. Simple truth. For that matter, that is the answer to all of your questions. Problem solved.

  3. shannon

    My hair always looks its best as soon as I call to make the appointment for the cut. A couple times I was convinced that I should go ahead and cancel the appointment. Then, I looked like a drowned rat for the following three weeks because I couldn’t get in before that…so word to the wise, when you make an appt and you start LOVING your hair, DO NOT CANCEL!!

    The laundry conundrum doesn’t go away when the kids become adults, and eventually become husbands…

  4. Alison

    My eldest son gave me the hurt and maltreated look yesterday when I told him that the reason that he didn’t have any clean underpants was because they haven’t yet figured a way to get from his bedroom floor to the laundry basket by themselves. And I have stopped getting them! Hah!

    And that Freddie show looks nasty. Hope they don’t send that one over here (UK). He gives me the heebie-jeebies.

  5. Marti

    The shivering, smelly Marti affirms that the man who adores you will steal the covers and fart on you – LOL

    Thanks for the Deep Thoughts

  6. ben

    Just for a data point, my wife steals the blanket from ME, not the other way around. Thank goodness I have a 110 pound dog that absolutely adores me enough to sleep right next to me and radiate heat my direction.

    Except for the part that it’s still SUMMER here.


    You SO need a dog. Plus you can train them to pick up dirty socks. Or so I hear, mine is still working on that.

  7. Bob

    first things first. The farting is merely catching up from before we were married and couldn’t. (although you’d think after 20 years I would’ve caught up by now). The trick is to not raise the covers for a few minutes after each episode.

    1) The shorter the do, the less to worry about. Buzz cut!

    2) This also applies as the inverse square of the need of the uncleaned article goes up. As does the whine factor. Just wait until Chickadee is getting ready for a date on Friday night and she can’t find her Mrs.-Kennedy’s-asset-showing-off-the-best outfit.

    3) Its amazing how much more accurate the paper boy is when they’ve been paid. Maybe some t-shirt action will get his attention. Not everything is based on the exchange of goods.

    4) That’s the 1st murphy’s law of joint custody. It also applies to school field trips and/or vacations.

    5) I don’t know about that, rain doesn’t keep me from dumping trash. A little moistness is more than compensated for by lack of rotting refuse.

    6) That’s the 2nd murphy’s law of joint custody. Any weekend free of the kinder automatically gets ruined by weather/health/unavailability of friends/full gutters.

    7) This is yet another of murphy’s laws. Any show that is intelligent, well written, well acted, and is not pitched at the lowest common denominator is destined to have it’s plug pulled just after you find it. If you hadn’t been watching it, it would still be on. Therefore – its your fault.

    8) Don’t get me started on medical benefits, we’ll be here until next week. Suffice it to say, this still surprises you?

    9) 90210 was never on my viewing list, I don’t know who this guy is and I can’t raise the effort to care.

    10) My son has zero income, has never had a job, and yet the credit card offers still come rolling in. I suspect that credit would be much more affordable if they’d stop mailing those @#%$*! offers.

    11) Washing machines and dryers can sense your needs and are designed to do exactly the opposite. You ever notice you NEVER loose one of a pair of hideous socks?

    12) You have kids, you don’t have snacks for longer than 5 minutes after the groceries have been put away. I’d thought that was the first fact parents learned when kids started walking. Get with the program.

  8. Kathy

    Yup – the hair one got me too. I don’t get my hair cut often even though I always hate how it looks. When I finally call and make an appointment, all of a sudden I start loving it! That it just so weird.

  9. Amy-GO

    Why does the child run into a metal pole (don’t ask) and require stitches on the one day your cell phone battery has died and your home phone has been muted so he has to sit in the school nurse’s office for TWO HOURS before you know about it and go to get him? Is it JUST so you can feel like the world’s best mom? HMMMMMM?

    It’s just better not to contemplate these questions. I’m gonna go eat pie.

  10. Angel

    Damn, I liked Starved too :/ I hate it when shows are cancelled after they leave you with a cliffhanger.

  11. Monkey loves Kitten

    That is some crap about Starved. I never knew eating disorders could be so funny. Oh Nemo’s!

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