Before I begin, I'd like to let everyone know that the very pretty Shelley is holding a contest called She's Funny That Way. The winner will receive a copy of Shelley's book and so you should go read all about it and enter and all of that good stuff. Okay? Okay! Besides, we all know someone funny we can write about. Except me. All I can write about at the moment is that I am old and stupid. And not a yak. Today was GORGEOUS outside. It was sunny and mild and just the sort of day when I don't even a little bit want to stick my head in the oven because I'm convinced that winter will never end....
I cannot believe so many people are interested in my snot. I don't know whether to be flattered or horrified. Actually, I'll pick flattered, because my mother is horrified enough for most of the world. Apparently--much like my use of "suck" as abhored by my old advisor--my usage of the word "snot" is disturbing. My mother would prefer that I use the word "mucous." I think the word MUCOUS sounds wet and squishy and like squids might be sliding around in your sinuses, ready to *plop* into your lap at any moment. The word makes the little hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It makes me gag a...
The weather alone was enough to make today a remarkable sort of day. Winter needs to end, now. It's TRYING. And even though I know that we will most likely have at least one more big snow before it ends for real, a day like today gives me hope. It also gives me little muddy footprints all over my nice clean floor. Oh well. But before that, it gives me children who rise at the butt-crack of dawn because strange and unusual things are happening, such as: A) Sunlight! In the morning! Like, early! B) Birds singing! C) Tingling kiddie-sense that maybe Mama is dying to sleep in! Sometimes I can...
It became clear this morning that I needed to get up, get showered, and leave the house. My fragile shreds of sanity demanded that I peel myself away from the television and see about rejoining society. Of course, it would've been much more appealing if said society was not encased in 5 degree wind chills and whipping winds, but I do not make the rules. Or the weather. Alas. No matter. I would grab the bull by the horns! I would seize the day! I would take some advil and scrub the YES off of my breast! I am a woman of lofty plans. Do not hate me just because my life is fabulous. My first...
There were so many things I wanted to do today, but in the end I did none of them, because I died. It's tragic, I know. I will miss me. Regardless--am now dead. Several times over, actually. The nice folks who sometimes send me products to try sent along a new! improved! Swiffer, and I thought it would be quite amusing to line it up along with all of my other Swiffer and Swiffer-like products and take a picture (just to demonstrate that even though you would never know by looking at my dirty floors, I own a veritable museum of cleaning implements with jointed aluminum handles). Oh, the...
There is this very adorable thing that my mother does, and it is this: She calls me on the phone and after a few minutes of chit-chat, asks with great anticipation, "So what's new? What's going on?" This always leaves me feeling woefully inadequate for not having more to report. [Note to Mom: I am not poking fun at you; I really do think it's cute that you're so convinced my life is exciting. I do wish that one of these days I can answer "Well, I figured out how to turn Kraft Macaroni and Cheese into platinum, but I haven't had much time for that because I just got married! Also, I had the...
You know what is a GREAT way to kick-start your day? Taking a really long walk. Early in the morning. In the snow. And wind. While a spastic puppy tries to tangle you and your walk partner in her leash. Actually, it was awesome. So what if the best part was when it was finally time to STOP? No matter. And that was only the SECOND-best part. The best part was when we ran into an acquaintance on a loop through the center of town, and she was going on and on about how great it was that we were out walking, and my friend invited her to join us, and I said YES, DO, WE'RE IN TRAINING, and she said...
Today I left the house for a while and went out and wandered aimlessly, because it felt like I'd been in the house a few too many days in a row. I went out to a store and tried on some clothing that didn't fit. It reminded me that I'm still a citizen of the world. The world which has been designed by and for the assless, in fact. When I got home, two important things had happened. One: My mail had come, and with it, a small package from the excellent and very pretty Joshilyn. I love her so much that I'm not even upset that it wasn't a gibbon. She had TOLD me she was shipping me a gibbon and...
I ran here and there today in spite of a haunting case of deja vu wherein I felt "a little odd" and thought to take my temperature just for kicks. Oh! 101! Nice! Thank goodness for the antibiotics! Not only are they eating away the tender lining of my digestive tract, but they're also doing that whole "release all the toxins and make you feel worse before you feel better" thing. Super. [Yes, Mom, I'm eating yogurt and taking acidopholus. It's very soothing as it leaks through the holes in my stomach and intestines and comes to gentle, strawberry-flavored rest on my pancreas and liver. It's...
