New at Domino's Pizza! Two-for-one deal on Tuesdays! New at Woulda Coulda Shoulda! Two-for-one deal on Tuesdays, inspired by the fact that I cannot get that insipid Domino's commerical out of my head! So, I was going to tell you about my sad failure to enrich my children's lives with great classic literature, but it's Tuesday! And so! In lieu of pizza! I will tell you about two such failures! Yay! (I apologize for the excess of exclamation points. The Hormone Demons have decided I need to have a little headache. For about four days. And so I am currently drinking my body weight in tea in an...
Me *opening the blinds*: Oh, it's a beautiful day outside! Him *digging in the pantry*: Yes! It's a beautiful day for Sponge Bob Bubble Berry Poptarts!!
(Or, "The more things change, the more they stay the same".) Monkey: Nice Mama. *said while gingerly patting me all over, as if I were made of the most delicate porcelain, or perhaps hair-trigger explosives* Chickadee: Want me to sing you a song I learned? It's about my BUTT! Monkey: Mama, you need to be resting. I get you a blankie. Chickadee: I am not being fresh. I'm being mouthy. Both *upon viewing my incision, which they had clamored to see*: Eeeeeewwwwwww! GROSS!! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh.
School is out. Have you heard? No more school. At all. Until Labor Day. It's a small child's Christmas and Easter and several lost teeth all wrapped up in one gigantic Mama-frazzling joy! In the two-and-a-half hours since this day began, my children appear to have had the caffeine equivalent of a twelve-pack of Mountain Dew, apiece. "MAMA CAN WE GO TO THE BEACH TODAY???" Why sure, sweetie... but you'll have to wear a sweatshirt since it's only 66 degrees outside... plus since this is, you know, New Hampshire, the water isn't going unfreeze for another two months... but what the hey.... "MAMA...
That much cutesy cuteness, all in one incredibly cute place doing a cute presentation? Should be illegal. At the very least, they should offer lemon slices or decontamination or something on the way out to help you restore a more natural ph. Kindergarten graduations are not ph-balanced. First they saturate you with the ultra-cutesy-cuteness of a giggling gaggle of 5- and 6-year-olds, then afterwards they ply everyone with cake! At bedtime! They should have been giving out insulin with the diplomas. So we sat and watched, and I took a million pictures (oh, look, there's Chickadee with red...
Tomorrow is the last day of school. Tonight is kindergarten graduation. My daughter's class is putting on a program rather than doing the caps-n-gowns thing, but I suspect it will be a three-kleenex event, anyway. And I don't even tend to be that sentimental of a person... it's just been a long year, for all of us. Amongst my various tasks for today is to ready the teacher gifts. The gifts? No problem. The cards? I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. Dear Monkey's teaching team, Thank you so much for another great year at The School. Monkey has had such fun and learned so much this term....
I have many talents as a mother. I make a mean pot of Kraft macaroni and cheese. I can fix almost anything (well, not in my own life, but for the 10-and-under set I'm a whiz). Sometimes I surprise the kids with something fun. I can keep track of multiple medications and dosage schedules. There is an assortment of character band-aids on hand at all times and I know how to use them. I have eyes in the back of my head. Many, many motherly talents do I possess. The care and feeding of loose teeth is not part of my repertoire. I don't believe there is any sort of instinct for compassionate...
Highlights from my Monday evening: The Monkey declared "Oh Mama, THANK YOU! This is a dinner of all my most favorite things!" (Yes, I am a whiz with fish sticks, curly fries, and salad. Put the first two in the oven myself, and with the help of a pair of scissors to the corner of the bag, tossed the salad onto the plates.) I was willing to bask in the glow of this unsolicited appreciation, until I realized that after about two bites, the Monkey had stopped eating. When I asked him what was wrong, he said he wasn't hungry. The Chickadee regaled us with a tale of how R (a girl in her class)...
We all have to face it sometime; and we can be left weak with worry and doubt. Is my child normal? Did I do something to deserve this? Should we increase therapy to twice a week? Relax. Bad choices sometimes happen to even the best of children. It happens because their brains aren't yet fully formed, and--in some cases--because they are male. Learn to accept these transgressions for what they are: perfectly normal. Practice going to your "happy place" when the urge to devour your young hits. Your children will survive to adulthood, and you'll have the grey hair to prove you worked hard to...
