New at Domino’s Pizza! Two-for-one deal on Tuesdays!

New at Woulda Coulda Shoulda! Two-for-one deal on Tuesdays, inspired by the fact that I cannot get that insipid Domino’s commerical out of my head!

So, I was going to tell you about my sad failure to enrich my children’s lives with great classic literature, but it’s Tuesday! And so! In lieu of pizza! I will tell you about two such failures! Yay!

(I apologize for the excess of exclamation points. The Hormone Demons have decided I need to have a little headache. For about four days. And so I am currently drinking my body weight in tea in an attempt to caffeinate the headache right out of my… uhhh… head. Yay!)

The ex and I were (are) bibliophiles in a frightening way. Before the first small creature arrived in our home, we had already amassed “all our favorite” books from childhood. Numbering approximately 500 volumes, I kid you not. (Neither of us really grasp that whole concept of something being favorite all that well.) I looked forward to reliving many of these books with my children.

First literary enrichment gone wrong: I read “Little House in the Big Woods” to the kids over about a week or so of bedtimes. Every little girl wants to grow up to be Laura Ingalls, right? It sounds exotic and fun, churning your own butter, salting venison, and all that other stuff. Um, no. It did to me, but my children are part of the new, hip, ultra-spoiled generation. What did my children learn from “Little House”? That the funniest thing in the world is a child wrapping a corncob in a handkerchief and pretending it’s a doll. Chickadee actually wrestled the book from my hands to verify that section, herself, so sure was she that I’d made it up. As for Monkey, he spent the entire week grabbing random objects, wrapping them in his blanket, and introducing me to his “new baby.” I especially enjoyed his new baby, the toothbrush.

But wait… there’s more! It’s a twofer!

Second literary enrichment gone wrong: I remember absolutely loving “The Wind in the Willows”, and was in fact delighted to procure a vintage, oversized edition complete with color pictures. We’re reading it now. Only, I did not remember that Mole and Rat have this habit of calling each other asses when they quarrel. Repeatedly. I am running out of suitable substitute insults. Also? Toad is in dire need of some lithium. And at least once per sitting we have to get into a prolonged discussion about why these animals are wearing suits and ties. I am weary.

Time for more tea, and further rumination on how all my attempts to shape my young into educated beings always backfire….