I would just like to apologize proactively to... uhhhh... well, I guess the entire state of South Carolina. I'm sorry. But maybe that's the wrong place to start. Where I should start is with this: Hey, for MONTHS we've been looking forward to this weekend's camping trip! Yay! We load up approximately enough food, clothing and sundries to last us for a month in the desert, and then we drive a while and set up in the wilderness and then... sit around and read. (When Nerds Camp: The Boringness, coming soon to a really crappy theater near you!) But, see, camping is DIFFERENT than being at home,...
So we're just a few days into summer vacation, here, and so far it's been a whole barrel of fun. If by "a whole barrel of fun" you mean "multiple trips to the pharmacy." Remember last year when Otto got poison ivy and then it got really, really bad and then he got MRSA? That was fun. Except not really. And so when he mysteriously got poison ivy again last week he was all, "Huh. I think I have poison ivy again. I wonder where that came from? Well, I guess I'll use some of this cream I have left over from last time." Meanwhile I was throwing myself prostrate on the bathroom floor in front of...
I have guilt. I have guilt over lots of things, but right now I'm talking about the guilt I feel whenever one of you pretty people feels compelled to comment "You're such a good mom!" or something similar, because I know the truth, you see. And the truth is not some sort of hipster self-deprecating "Oh no I'm not" thing where I just feel that it's not edgy enough to cop to being a decent parent, either. I mean, I am a decent parent. Sometimes I'm a GREAT parent. But most of the time I'm a decent parent. And occasionally? I am a terrible parent. The "you're so awesome" accolades invariably...
So today has been completely awesome so far. I knew that first thing this morning Chickadee had a pediatrician appointment, and I'd carefully arranged my day so that it wouldn't be a problem. In fact, right around dinner last night I was feeling pretty proud of myself for having worked ahead and such so as to have a couple of hours to spare this morning without any difficulty. Yay, me! Of course---as is typical the moment I'm feeling on top of things---hubris decided to smack me back down, hard. It started at bedtime last night. "Mom. Mooooooom!" Monkey dragged his way down the stairs, eyes...
Today is Friday, and that means I have the luxury of directing you elsewhere, which is good because otherwise I would have to tell you about the letter I got in the mail yesterday. That letter included a handy chart that had drawings and statistics and the body of it said: Dear parents of Chickadee Lastname, Your child participated in our school scoliosis screening program and ZOMG! How have you never noticed that her spine is bent? SHE FLUNKED! TOTAL FLUNKAGE! TAKE HER TO YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY! And because we totally don't trust you to have the crap scared out of you by this letter, you...
I've tried to ignore it, but I just can't live in denial any longer. See for yourself: 1) It tells me that it hasn't seen Ugly lately. [Ugly is a Mii the kids made who has eyeballs in his chin and a beard in the middle of his forehead. I'm pretty sure he hasn't been working out, like, EVER, on account of his self-esteem issues are pretty much a full-time gig.] 2) It never comments on the time when I'm on it at 5:30 in the morning, but the one day I wait until nearly 9:00 to hop on, it says, "You're up early!" Wha? 3) It asks me how Monkey's posture is looking lately, and then scolds me when...
Hello! Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I myself was starting to believe the hype, and that---coupled with several folks telling me of confirmed flu cases around here lately---sent me off to my doctor to make sure I didn't have the plague, or anything. The good news is that I don't have the flu! So that's excellent. On the other hand, this is the first time I've had an ear infection without knowing it. That seems like it could be a neat party trick, somehow, but actually the reason I didn't know is because I also have a sinus infection, and as my ENTIRE HEAD has been...
I am sick. Lord, I am SO SO SICK, the kind of sick that has me looking back at last weekend when I got back from traveling and thought I was sick and going "THAT WAS NOTHING." I can't believe I even complained about the little sore throat and general malaise I was experiencing, then, because this weekend the germs staged a sequel, something that ends in "THIS TIME, IT'S PERSONAL" or "SNOTSTORM OF THE DAMNED" or somesuch. I don't know. Otto, of course, was away this weekend ("of course" because when do I ever get sick when there's actually either nothing to do or someone around to help?...
My baby would forgive me if she ended up going blind because I couldn't figure out what the hell her various eye care professionals were smoking, right? I'm sure she would. I mean, it's not like she's ever mad at me about things that aren't even my fault, or like she overreacts to the smallest provocation, or... HAHAHAHAAAAAAA. Holy crap, I'm doomed. I may as well hand her a voodoo doll and a white cane for her birthday this year, I think. Perhaps it's my fault. (Oh, who am I kidding? OF COURSE it's my fault.) I should've taken her to her last eye appointment. But the yearly trek into...
