#*%^(! squirrels, man

By Mir
July 1, 2016

Hey, remember last year, how the squirrels got into my tomatoes for the first time in forever, and I had unfairly blamed Licorice for a while before I figured it out, and then it became clear that the squirrels were just looking for water?

Good times. And by “good,” I of course mean “rage-inducing.” By the end of the summer we’d already used up all of the tomato sauce I’d made, on account of having only made a few pitiful batches. Most of my tomatoes were stolen.

Well. THIS YEAR would be different. Sure, it was dry out for a while, but then it rained for, like, a week straight. NO PROBLEM! Those pesky squirrels wouldn’t need to decimate my tomatoes, right? HA. HAHA. MY OPTIMISM IS CHARMING AND DELUSIONAL.


This specimen comes from the lone box up on the porch, the ONE plant I thought would remain undisturbed. And yesterday when Otto went out to let Licorice into the dog run, a squirrel chattered at him from INSIDE THE BOX and then dropped this and scampered away. Fucker. (Note the companion jalapeño which was sampled and discarded. I hope it gave him heartburn.)

In conclusion, I have no idea how to reliably keep squirrels out of my garden and I am cranky about it. On the other hand, I have lots of suggestions on how to take care of your marriage while life gets in the way, which is only because 1) life is always getting in the way, 2) life is less annoying that squirrels, and 3) Otto is the best and my favorite.


  1. Holly Gault

    Deer netting? Of course they would probably chew through it.

  2. Kris

    We bought an ultrasonic repeller that also lights up, motion activated. Amazon has them for $20-30.. Worked in our garden…but we don’t have dogs. I’m not sure if would bug them or not.

  3. Jennifer B

    We use orchard netting held up with old tomato cages for our tomatoes and strawberries.

  4. nicole

    i don’t have a garden but the squirrels and chipmunks are digging up my yard and flower beds relentlessly. I either need an outdoor cat or a big ole snake.

  5. Elz

    My husband is currently engaging in squirrel jihad to protect his garden. He’s tried netting, wire, mothballs, chicken wire, pellet gun. He has taken to picking the tomatoes just before they ripen and ripening inside the house. Our squirrels haven’t sampled any of our peppers. I wish they had b/c those things are HOT and maybe it’d keep the #%** things from decimating the tomatoes.

    • Corey

      Also might help with that feral cat thing!

  6. Karen

    I. Hate. Squirrels! When they are not decimating our pecans, they are eating their way into our house. Living within the city limits means we cannot use a “real gun” on them, but we have been known to use a pellet gun – at least when it was working!

    I am surprised it sampled the jalapeno. I have read that putting the hot substance from peppers into bird seed keeps the squirrels out. Guess not!

  7. Nancy R

    The squirrels here have been eating my geraniums. Geraniums that I’ve had for years and have managed to keep over the winter in the garage, are suddenly THE thing to eat.

    They eat Christmas lights too though, so…

  8. Claudette

    I got groundhogs. Mama with two ‘hog babies. Nothing kept them out. Not fences, not noise in the form of talking radio stations, not construction on the nearby garage. Nothing. Not even sprinkling my veggies with hot chili powder, that just encouraged them to continue nibbling. Spiced food, for free! SIGH.

    So I gave up. sniff…

  9. Pam

    When I was in Whistler, my guide told me about some people growing tomatoes in a planter on their balcony on the third floor of an apartment block who had their sole fruit eaten by a bear that smelled it from the ground and shimmied up the siding to get to it. Squirrel? Pft!

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