Many questions, few answers

By Mir
June 8, 2008

Tomorrow I shall tell you all about what I’m doing today (because it will be funnier after I’ve pulled a muscle or twelve, and BELIEVE YOU ME, that’s coming), but in the meantime I thought you might enjoy knowing what’s brought people ’round here lately. I often forget to check my stats and then when I do, I am invariably delighted to discover all of the reasons stranger stumble upon my little corner of the web.

(And by “delighted” I of course mean “alternately amused and horrified.”)

Shall we take a look? Let’s!

my son lost his two front teeth months ago
Ummmm… congratulations?

what to do when your face is numb
Step away from the Botox…?

bring outside food into movie theaters
Dude, people are extremely polarized over this issue, and I recommend you just walk away. Let it go.

im sorry for making you think i was fake
I’m sorry you don’t have any punctuation and are making important confessions to Google.

i want smooth feet
It’s good to have goals.

my married lover let me down after no contact for nearly a year
I’m not really sure what you’re looking for, here, but I’m gonna have to say that your first clue that he’s just not that in to you was the whole, you know, NOT CONTACTING YOU FOR A YEAR thing. Just a hunch.

barf bag crafts
Sounds fun, sicko!

divorse regret
That you didn’t wait until you finished 5th grade to get married…?

little black bugs that crawl on the ground and jump when you try to kill them
Those sound delightful. Perhaps you can incorporate them into a barf bag craft. I’m thinking maracas!

camel style
I guess it really does exist!

albuterol shaking spouse
Albuterol makes me a little goofy, but I try to save shaking Otto for important issues like when he drinks the last beer.

why do bees stay on the deck
Because they don’t know how to swim, so there’s not much point in going down to the pool. Duh.

WOW troll clipart
Yes, that IS exciting.

make your boobs grow minerals
Okay, I do OCCASIONALLY find a little bit of lint on one of mine, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t GROW there. All I can suggest is a couple of geodes inside a really supportive bra, I’m afraid.


  1. Burgh Baby

    It never ceases to amaze me some of the things people ask Google to find. Lately I’ve been getting a lot of hits from people trying to find out if Tinkerbell is a real person. “Lots” as in at least a dozen different IP addresses. Yes, Tink is real, and I’m pretty sure she uses minerals to grow her boobs.

  2. Lou

    WOW=world of warcraft. But your interpretation is way better.

  3. Mike Golch

    this post is a little mind boggling for me.Oh well.
    That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  4. Niki

    The best one to my blog right now is “fun stuff to do in a home alone.” I’m not sure I want to know what they’re looking for. Also I seem to have a calendar thing going – 4 people got to me by searching “january”, 1 “october”, 2 “march”, 1 “september”, and 1 “christmas”.

  5. All Adither

    This post made me ridiculously happy. Thank you, your snarkness.

  6. meghann

    The best ones I have gotten so far on mine are “midgets and puppies” which I reaaaally hope had innocent connotations. The other was “walking on dead fish”, which I can’t even think of anything to say about.

  7. Daisy

    Too funny. I’ve never looked at the search engine results like this; it could be funny at Compost Happens.

  8. Flea

    Lou knows too much. :)

  9. Karly

    I recently posted about my brazilian waxing experience, so you can just imagine the search hits I’ve been getting. Yeah.

  10. Astrogirl426

    Wow, thank you for making me feel slightly more normal. The wildest Google search I’ve ever done has been for the lyrics to a song with the line, “gatos con queso” (it popped up within a page, funnily enough). BTW in case you’re wondering, it translates to “cats with cheese”. Yeh, I have no idea.

  11. Kirsetin

    I’m STILL laughing over “camel style.”

  12. Ladanea

    Bwahahaha! Thanks for sharing. I’m still getting lots of Google hits from when a friend posted a joke link – in comments – to a website I will not rewrite here because I fear retribution for all the hits you’d get from it, too. You’re welcome.

    P.S. We took a huge Costco-size bag of mini candy bars into the theater and I still have guilt.

  13. Carolyn


  14. Carolyn

    I’m going to look at my blog stats in a whole new way now.

  15. genny

    I’ve got to look at my stats more closely!

  16. Becky

    I totally found you through Google (though I can’t remember for the life of me what I was looking up at the time though). Whatever it was, it linked to your entry about Bratz dolls and those bobble-headed creatures with huge eyes. It brought tears of relief to my eyes to realize that a) there were mothers that didn’t approve of these freakish dolls and b) were actually not allowing their children to possess them.

  17. Brigitte

    These are always good for a laugh (the barf-bag & bug maracas really got me), but it makes me feel a little self concious whenever I Google odd things! ;-)

  18. Veronica

    Boob minerals? Maybe that is what happens when you are breastfeeding and don’t shower.

    Please, don’t think about that too hard.

  19. Jodi

    Divorse? LOL! Hasn’t s/he ever heard the Tammy Wynette song? I think I could spell D-I-V-O-R-C-E before I ever started school, thanks to the little blue transistor radio my mother kept in the kitchen window.

  20. Megan

    But… WHY did your blog come up for boob minerals? Why??

  21. jyll

    Hello. Can someone tell me how to check my blog stats? I am new at this blog thing and am trying to learn how to improve the traffic to my site. Thanks so much in advance.

  22. LiteralDan

    You have quite a diverse array of hilarious Google searches– I guess that comes with increased traffic. I only have a handful of funny ones, and most of the rest just make me a little sad inside.

  23. ben

    Yours are better than mine. Wah!

  24. Emily

    I was in a community theater production a few years ago. One of my fellow cast members had a line about the possible end of his sister’s marriage. As he said it, the line went something like this: “You could always try divorus.”

    He invented a whole syllable. Where he found it, I do not know. My current best guess is that he went shopping at the same store as mineral-making boob lady.

  25. Sunny

    I take all kinds of things in my giant purse when I go to the theater, and I have no guilt. My favorite is bottles of cold milk, and Mrs.Field’s cookies.

  26. Erin

    Hee hee! I love it! I don’t get to many searches like that yet, but I only have 35 posts so far. I’m sure it’s coming!

  27. Stephanie

    Hilarious! I need some chuckles today. Thanks! :-)

Things I Might Once Have Said


Quick Retail Therapy

Pin It on Pinterest