My levels of cheapskatery are legendary. It causes me pain to part with my money (“Ouch! My caution!”) and I would probably benefit from a 12-step program dedicated to admitting that I am powerless over my bank statements.
Barring any such program, do you know what’s the best way to get over your aversion to spending? That’s right! Getting married! Because anyone who tells you that getting married is about finding your one special someone and uniting with them in holy matrimony has NEVER GOTTEN MARRIED BEFORE. There’s no reason to do it UNLESS you’ve found that special someone, of course, but it’s really all about everything costing too much money.
I kid. I’m feeling the magic, truly. But it’s not going to be very interesting around here if I constantly tell you “Otto is swell. I love him so much. He smells good.” Those things are all true, but that is not entertainment.
Entertainment is when your beloved is so picky about what ring he wants that the process drags on and on and on and then when you FINALLY reach agreement and go to order the ring, it turns out to be out of stock. Entertainment is when all of that has happened and you find yourself utterly panicked about getting a ring in time.
*insert mental image of me tap-dancing here*
So today, in addition to my normal work and errands and such, I set myself a number of wedding-related tasks. Number 1 on the list: Order a damn ring that meets Otto’s 72 criteria and will be here before the wedding.
I had to work myself up to it, see. Because I was pretty sure I knew which ring to order and from where, but it was… well… let’s just say that I was needing to spend some quality time with my head between my legs, breathing into a paper bag, whilst contemplating this particular purchase.
So as a sort of warm-up exercise, I spent some time online with Susan and Chris, looking at every tie in the universe. You think I’m exaggerating, but I’m telling you, I have now seen every tie ever made. Including several which I very much wish I’d never seen.
Otto requires an extra-long tie, while Monkey requires a boy-sized tie. Go figure. And I require that they wear ties that are pretty and somehow coordinate with my dress, because I have only three feminine molecules in my body and two of them believe in fabulous shoes and the remaining one believes that grey suits are boring and must be offset by colorful ties that just happen to go with my dress. Obviously.
Anyway, Chris helped me as long as she could until the urge to strangle me in my poor taste and indecision overwhelmed her and she had to leave the computer for a while. Susan valiantly continued to assist me, and by the time Otto popped online for a bit I was able to show him the ties I was considering and he picked one, and then I picked a tie for Monkey that went with that tie.
And then I spent half an hour looking for coupon codes while Susan laughed at me. (I saved $1.70! I ROCK!)
But once all of that was (finally) done, it was time to order Otto’s ring. So I took a deep breath and I DID IT. A gorgeous Irish band with trinity knots (that coordinates with my engagement ring, because my wedding ring will be my great-grandmother’s eternity band) has been ordered FROM IRELAND, presumably chock-full of good Irish karma (though not, so far as I know, official Irish dirt).
And then I got a Very Concerned Phone Call from my credit card company, wanting to know if my card hard been stolen. Apparently my reluctance to spend money has been noticed even by them!
I assured them that Otto is worth it, and they dropped the fraud alert. (Well, okay, I also told them my mother’s maiden name. But Otto totally IS worth it.)
After all of that excitement, I realized that I had spent money and the world hadn’t stopped spinning and my brain hadn’t imploded, and maybe this spending money thing could actually be, well, fun. So I spent the next hour researching Bed and Breakfasts and daydreaming about the (teeny tiny, very brief) honeymoon we might take.
I may even spring for a bottle of champagne. With a CORK.