Back to normal(ish)

By Mir
April 2, 2007

I think I am officially All Better now. No longer sick! No longer so tired that just remaining upright makes me weep! It’s all good.

It’s as though I awoke from a fog, looked around, and declared OH MY GOD I’M GETTING MARRIED IN JUST OVER A MONTH OH HOLY HELL WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS? (Answer: It may have been my idea. Back when Otto and I got back together, and I was all about living in the moment, what with my “Do not even do this unless you mean it this time, I’m SERIOUS” schtick.)

So I’ve got about a month to put together a wedding. At least I’m not doing anything else while I do that. HAHAHAHAHA! Lord, I’m having flashbacks to when I planned my first wedding, while still in grad school. I thought that was hard.

Of course, I was 22 and knew everything, so what do you want. I thought it was hard to plan a wedding while being in grad school and having to take classes and stuff. That was probably because I’d never tried to plan a wedding while working, raising two children, selling my house, having a fiance over a thousand miles away, and losing my mind.

(The mind-losing part is optional, but I recommend it. While it may appear, on the surface, to make things more complicated? At least it affords you plenty of interesting conversations with the voices in your head while you figure the rest out.)

Anyway, I thought I’d get some wedding-related stuff done today. Like finally ordering Otto’s wedding ring. So I went online to order it…
… and my internet went out.


After a couple of internet-less hours, my service came back, and I hopped right online to get the ring ordered. Mission accomplished, I moved on to doing some research on how to get a marriage license. (Gimme a break, the last time I got one was a long time ago and about 3,000 miles away.)

My inbox beeped. My order confirmation! Except, what’s this? Not an order confirmation. A note to let me know that the ring I’d ordered was not in stock, and I could have it in about six weeks, if that’s okay.

I canceled the order. And tried not to see it as a bad omen.

After some poking around, I called another site carrying the same ring for nearly twice the price and basically asked them if they would price match. (Clearly I have been buying too many shoes at Zappos; I now believe everyone should offer a price match guarantee to get my business.) The very nice customer service gentleman in Ireland encouraged me to mail in my request to his manager, and told me they’d get back to me tomorrow. Hope springs eternal. Though he did check the other site and say something along the lines of “They can’t possibly even be making any money on that,” so I’m not holding my breath.

Then I spent some time researching local restaurants and poking myself in the eyes with a ballpoint pen. Remember how we were going to elope? Just us and the kids? Well now we’re going to have some immediate family there (I don’t know, something about Otto being the oldest son in his family and how it would break his mother’s heart into a zillion pieces if we didn’t invite any family) and we figured we should probably feed them after the ceremony. As of this moment I am leaning heavily towards pizza on paper plates. But I suppose I may come back around to that whole nice restaurant idea once the ink dries on my eyeballs.

And I do not recall simply GETTING DRESSED to be so freakin’ complicated. Perhaps because I only had to dress myself, last time, and it was really kind of over and done once I found my dress.

Monkey has a suit but no shirt, and I cannot find him a belt to save my life. Apparently when your waist is as tiny as his, you are not allowed to have a plain black leather belt. You must want a canvas belt with whales or monkeys or something on it. (Come to think of it, I might be okay with a belt sporting monkeys. Or scrotums.) I do sort of feel a need to get him clothing as staid as possible, to offset his mop of hair and somehow convey to my new in-laws that really, I am not raising him to be a bum. Because LOOK! At his ACCESSORIES! Clearly he is a pampered, loved child.

Chickadee wants bright pink shoes with heels (not HEEL heels, but you know, a little heel that goes clack-clack when she walks) to go with her dress for the wedding. Guess what’s really hard to find. Go on, GUESS! As Liz was kind enough to explain to me—because what do I know—“fuchsia isn’t really a big color this season.” Who knew? I mean, I thought that for girls aged 0-10, every hue of pink is ALWAYS a big color. Today I ordered her some red shoes, in desperation. If she rejects them, well, Christmas is taken care of (shoe-wise), anyway.

Also, I need to find someone to sew some boobs into my dress for me. What would I find that under in the yellow pages? Boobs? Bridal boobs? Halter boobs? Help My Space-Age Australian Bra Did Not Fulfill All My Boobular Dreams? My phone book is woefully lacking when it comes to categories.

My life is difficult, I tell you.


  1. Ani

    1. Look under either Alterations or Bridal, find someone who does wedding dresses, they will know how to sew in the boobs. Or, I called a local wedding dress store and asked for a referral, and they were very nice about it.

    2. Sears. I swear, it’s the only place I’ve found a belt for my Monkey. Plain black or brown leather for scrawny 1st graders.

    3. Dyeable shoes at Payless. Pick your favorite color! They will even match the dress if you bring it.

    4. Deep breaths. Lots and lots of deep breaths.

    Good luck…you had more showings on the house in a weekend than we had in 4 months of “keep the house clean with a 3-yr-old”. :-) good things are coming your way.

  2. Lady M

    Pizza on paper plates sounds good to me.

    I had no idea that hot pink shoes aren’t available in the spring. I saw hot pink cowboy boots in girl sizes at Target. Would those do?

  3. Girl con Queso

    First of all, I’m so glad you’re feeling better.

    Secondly, it will all be perfect. Perfect.

    And finally, I hope all your boobular boobalicious dreams comes true. And stuff.

  4. TSM-truth, sincerity, madness

    Difficult, yes, but you will soon be wallowing in wedded bliss. With pictures to prove it!

  5. Cele

    I remember not listening to the “let’s run away to Reno” voice. For shame. But the wedding was still nice – yours will be too. I think the dyable shoe idea is good. And Mir, have you thought about a pot luck? I mean really people on the west coast do it…er often. Or as Marie Antonette once said, Let them eat cake!

  6. Kendra

    go for pizza…I’m completely serious…udderly serious (did you like my sneaky boob comment?)

    Or better yet, grilled cheese…b/c nothing goes up a mother-in-law’s ass better than serving her son (i.e. your husband) grilled cheese on his birthday (though I’m sure it would work just as well for your wedding day menu).

  7. Brigitte

    Pot luck is a good idea, or “catered” with big platters from Stop & Shop or whatever . . with a grill, picnic tables and pavilion (in case of rain) in the back yard or a local state/town park (or VFW, or Firehouse, or similar, if you’ve got connections).

    And dying the shoes is a good idea too, that’s routinely done for all those awful-colored bridesmaids outfits and shoes, so it should be not much trouble for Chickadee’s shoes.

    Good luck with the boobs thang, SOMETHING should go right with them for once!

    I think my hubby and I were just going to have immediate family and no reception. We didn’t even send out invitations, just word of mouth, and we ended up with over 100 people; plus MIL paid for appetizers (cash bar only) at a local place, announced after the wedding, and most guests went to that too! These things just have a way of GROWING!

  8. LM

    When we got married last summer, we had an ice cream sundae party. . . we bought the ice cream and asked our guests to bring their favorite topping. It was a blast, it was easy (we used paper bowls), we could have the reception pretty much anywhere, and we ate LOTS of chocolate sauce!

  9. cce

    How ’bout ribs? Everyone loves a barbecue and I know Atlanta has some fine establishments that would bring it all in for your wedding ho down. Paper plates, corn on the cob. It’s a tough meal on the fancy clothing so you all could go super casual, jeans, bare feet, no need for pink shows or breast implants. Just a thought y’all!

  10. Otto

    I’m with Kendra – pizza on the porch. We get a couple things of soda, some fruit juices and we’re done. We’ll make Grandma’s Christmas Coffee Cake, too. B-)

    And, as I recall, the reason for the expansion has more to do with your state’s silly requirement for witnesses than anything else. (See, here in the south, you only need one parent as a witness if you’re marrying someone closer than an underaged second cousin …)

    (I’m going to get in trouble for that now.)

  11. tori

    Otto’s funny!

  12. Sara

    Does Mellow Mushroom cater? And mmmmm….coffee cake…

  13. Karen

    For my brother’s second wedding they had a bbq reception complete with a keg. It was a little less swanky than their conservative CT neighbors were used to, but it was about the couple and family. And it was fun!

    So that is my suggestion. Hotdogs and burgers, a keg and some boxed wine.

  14. Andrea

    Oh how I love this:
    The mind-losing part is optional, but I recommend it.

    It will all work out, dear Mir. Hang in there (and be sure to share all these great stories with us in your “free” time)!
    I second/third/fourth? the Payless shoe suggestion for Chickadee. I think we got a belt for my skinny lil’ Monkey-aged guy at Kohl’s, the magical store which also solved my mystery of a black clip-on tie for him.

  15. Sheila

    Between Pointy and Difficult Scrotums and Boobular Dreams, you should prepare yourself for a slew of new visitors via Google search…

  16. MomCat

    Sadly, everything going according to plan does not a great story make. It’s the twists and turns that make it memorable. And your writing style makes it poignant and hilarious!

    Another vote for, it will all work out somehow.

  17. Melanie Boobs’R’Us, maybe? The Australian bra looked so bizarre and cool, it’s too bad it didn’t work.

  18. Kimberly

    “If she rejects them, well, Christmas is taken care of (shoe-wise), anyway.”

    Well, unless her feet grow.

    Bummer about the boobs. But I bet it will all be wonderful in the end.

  19. Amy

    I also suggest dyeable shoes. They aren’t all ugly. They have some darling girl ones at David’s Bridal those are just one option. They are clickity clackity and come in bright pink. Good luck with the boobs. My Mother-in-law needs me to take her stick-on-bra shopping…can I tell you how horrifying this thought is to me??

  20. Genevieve

    Would any of these work for Chickadee’s shoes, or are they too pale pink / too low?

    These look like the right color, but only available in one size:

    These are not quite the same color, but it’s close, and available in many more sizes:

  21. Genevieve

    Also: pricier, and higher heel than you may want, but these are very pretty in burgundy (that looks more pink than wine to me), if that’ll do for a color:

    This beading may not be what you want, but I’m including it in case it’s OK by you – it’s fuschia with a low heel:

    A pretty low-heeled shoe in white with some fuschia beads:

  22. Aimee

    POINTY and DIFFICULT? I’m speechless.

  23. bob

    I understand The Varsity caters.

  24. jenn2

    She can do it!
    Yes, she can!
    Mir can do it!
    She’s the man! er, wo-MAN!


    Yes, you may slap me silly if you’re ever in the Sacramento area! ;)

  25. Carol

    OH! I know where you might be able to get the belt – try The Children’s Place. I remember getting one there for my skinny boy a few years back.

    Good luck.

    And don’t forget to BREATHE!

  26. Kati

    My Bubba is in the same braided leather belt that I got for him when he was two, and he’s almost 7 now. (The “braid” part means that it can become infinitely small without having to poke extra holes into it. Wahoo!) We’re convinced that he’ll be taking it to college with him. I believe I got it at the Gap for the unholy price of $25, but when you divide that by 16 years or so of constant use (it’s mandatory for the school uniform), you’re talking about a bargain.

    As for the reception, getting married in the South has its definite advantages – plated, sit-down receptions are not mandatory by any means. Many weddings feed folks via a buffet, or a barbecue, or provide refreshments in any number of casual ways, especially if you time the ceremony right (ex – having a lunch-ish reception instead of a dinner). Besides, the more casual reception forces folks to get up and mingle, which is the whole point I think.

    Anyway, good luck, and congrats to all y’all!

  27. Genevieve

    These might be perfect — if zappos doesn’t have her size, look at them at Talbots Kids online, which is where I saw them first. (my earlier post didn’t work for some reason)

  28. Sophie

    Otto – You are in TROUBLE! A-hem (menacingly clears throat).

  29. LadyBug Crossing

    I still have the shoes that match that dress…

    I’m just sayin’… and they have heels… small heels…


  30. Susan

    I will find Monkey a belt, possibly with monkeys. Although I’ll bet I can find one with scrotums. It’s out there, I know it is.

  31. cce

    Someone mentioned Mellow Mushroom here and I squealed like a fifth grader. We used to go there twice a week during college and pad our love handles with those amazing pretzels. And the pitchers of beer were good too. Oh Mellow Mushroom, Mellow Mushroom!!! That’s definitely the answer to your catering woes.

  32. Ali

    I’m all for the potluck idea. It will make everybody more involved, and that much more vested in having a GRAND OLD TIME. Seriously.

    Oh, man. I remember planning my wedding. I remember how nuts it was, that supposedly simple ceremony we were doing. And that was before kids and before real estate. Cannot imagine doing it with wee ones and while selling a house. Yow-za!

    Surely there’s a push-up bra that will work. If all else fails, you can try the sixth grade trick of rolling up tube socks and stuffing them in your bra. (no? You don’t like that idea? Alas).

    Just remember five essentials, though: you, your groom, some witnesses, an officiant, and a piece of paper. That’s all you need, and you’ll be just as married as everyone else. All that other stuff? It’s just for fun.

    Glad you’re feeling better. Don’t forget to rest.

  33. Jackie

    Good luck on planning your wedding day! You have so much support and so many options. The wedding will be great!

    Keep up with your awesome writing! You have me laughing every single day!

  34. Karen

    Dyeable shoes = dyeable feet. Just so you’re prepared.

    I planned my last wedding from over 2000 miles away. You can do this. Any chance you can get married on a yacht?

    P.S. Don’t forget flowers. Me, flowers were the last thing on my mind, but apparently you need them or you lose points or something with the Wedding Rating People.

Things I Might Once Have Said


Quick Retail Therapy

Pin It on Pinterest