What’s happening in that furry head?

By Mir
September 8, 2006

Things I never thought I’d have to ask a child of mine, excerpts from Volume One:

Why is there a cheerio in your nose?

What did you just put in your diaper?

Why are you eating that book?

How did you manage to throw up all the way over THERE?

The funny part is that all of those things seemed really challenging at the time, you know? WOE IS ME, my child is naughty. Wah. Wah, I say!

I do believe we’re currently somewhere in the middle of Volume Four, and we haven’t even hit double digits yet. Pray for us.

So here in Volume Four, we’re up to:

What could you do instead of screaming?

Is it ever okay to throw chairs?

Do you think that you’ll be allowed to keep going to school if you can’t follow the rules?

Do you understand that if we can’t fix this, you will be expelled from school?

What can I do to help you learn to control yourself?

He doesn’t know the answer to that last one, by the way. In his defense, he’s only 6.

What’s my excuse?

I knew this might happen, of course. Even before kindergarten was over, it was becoming crystal clear that Monkey has some issues. He did fairly well over the summer, and because I wanted to believe that meant progress, I conveniently glossed over the extreme stress of starting at a new school, transitioning from “school is easy and fun” kindergarten to “school is about rules and assignments” first grade.

When the teacher clued me in that the first day of school didn’t go as smoothly as Monkey claimed, I went to Parental Alert Level Orange. With each passing day—and his insistence that all was well, and no further reports to the contrary from the teacher—I relaxed a little, and dropped down to Parental Alert Level Yellow.

This afternoon, I popped open an email that started out: “Hi Mir, Well, we survived the week,” and only got worse from there.

Parental Alert Level Freak the Fuck Out, activated.

I guess the teacher thought I didn’t need to know about the “little” meltdowns Monkey has been having throughout the week, because that way, it would be SO MUCH MORE FUN to hear about how my son completely lost his shit today and had to be DRAGGED FROM THE CLASSROOM. Yeah. That was superb.

You know, I only go see my therapist every few weeks these days, and I happened to see her this morning. I was relating a tale of something completely unrelated… actually, it was a story about Chickadee. (You remember Chickadee, don’t you? My difficult child? HAHAHAHAHA. I know, it makes me laugh, too!) Anyway, she interrupted me to point out “You’re always worried about what kind of job you’re doing as a mom, and this is a great example of what a fabulous mom you are. Remember this.” And I got all misty, because yes, I obsess over the job I am doing as a parent more than anything else. And for a little while there I felt like Hey, I’m doing my best, and my best is probably pretty good.

And then reality bitch-smacked me this afternoon. Screw my best. If this is my best, I completely suck. My child is out of control and I have no idea why or how to help. I am MORTIFIED by his behavior, and—almost worse—I am shocked. At least when things are going badly with Chickadee I know what to expect, and I can sort of see a pattern. This? This is utterly unpredictable. We never know what will set him off, and there seem to be no boundaries to his storms when they come.

How can I deal with what I cannot understand?

The teacher is doing her best. The therapist is doing her best. (Though first thing on Monday morning she had best be turning CARTWHEELS if she doesn’t want to watch me have a nervous breakdown in her office.) My ex is doing his best. (He actually came over tonight so that we could talk to Monkey, together, and that went very well in terms of parental unity, but Monkey was a lot more interested in getting back to his Legos than in listening to us try to explain why he’s lost television privileges for a week and how he needs to write his teacher an apology.) I’m doing my best.

My sweet boy is disappearing and I don’t know why. I want him back.

Our best is not enough.

Now what?


  1. MMM

    I’m so sorry, Mir. My oldest is difficult. She’s almost 10. I wish I knew ANYTHING about how to get through to her. Hope everyone can pull together for the little guy and help turn things around for him–big hugs your way. (It’s probably freaking him out as much as you and he doesn’t know how to handle THAT either!)

  2. Amy

    I won’t give you unsolicited advice. I know you have a therapist and a pediatrician, and that you know your child better than anyone. I believe that this is an issue that can be solved, and that you will do all you can for your children. Most of all, having read and mostly lurked for over a year, I believe that you are a wonderful woman and mother. You love your children, and they know it. Try to stop beating yourself up. You are wonderful, and this time will pass, and he will go on to be the wonderful creative child you know and love. I just wanted to tell you that, because it is hard to remember, in the midst of the joy that is the first week of first grade, that this too shall pass. Put down the stick you are hitting yourself with, because you are the great MIR and you ROCK. :)

  3. Ei

    I don’t comment very often because, well, everyone else always says it better than I can. But I have to tell you I know this kid of whom you speak. I live with him. He’s seven,ok…but I’m going through a divorce and he skipped a grade this summer and the uglies really REALLY came out. I don’t want to give you unsolicited advice either, because you are a smart person and I’m sure you do your research. But I do want to ask if he’s been evaluated for giftedness (I know Chickadee is in a program, it is obvious that they do come from smartypants like yourself and others before you, and this sort of thing does run in families) and secondly, if you have checked out any articles on http://www.SENGifted.org. It is a wonderful site.

    My 7 year old is on antidepressants. I wasn’t too tickled about that when we made the choice. But he’s turning into the kid I knew before this all made life more than his little soul knew how to bear. I won’t claim to know what’s going on with Monkey. But the hiding under tables and screaming thing I’ve dealt with. And lots of uglier things too. I just want to give you a big old hug because you deserve it. You aren’t a good mama, you’re the BEST mama. Just breathe.

    And occasionally drink.

  4. Cele

    Mir it will come to you, because you are paying attention. It’s the best I can say, except you’re a loving and caring mom.

  5. Lucinda

    I’ve only been reading for a few months. But I must say you shouldn’t beat yourself up about your parenting. We all just do the best we can and give the rest to God. It seems to me you have been doing an outstanding job. You have strength, intelligence, and most importantly, a wicked sense of humor–things your children will see and surely draw from.

    I have no idea what is going on with Monkey. I wish so much I could swoop in and give you an easy solution. That’s what we all want to do when we see a fellow mother struggling to find answers for her children. But I do believe you will find what you seek in God’s time (which sucks because it’s never when we want it to be).

  6. Laura

    You and Monkey will figure it out in time. In the meantime, know that it’s not your fault, not your parenting. All kids have challenges, some of them are just more obvious than others. You’ll all get through it – just hang in there, and don’t blame yourself.

  7. Mary

    My mother always spoke of a magic wand she wished she had so she could wave it around and “POOF” everything would be perfect. If I could ever find one, I’ll send it to you right away. Until then, I’ll send lots of hugs and prayers your way.

  8. karen t

    Just don’t know what the answer is. when i had kids in my class having big meltdowns it was often the result of a series of smaller factors. It was harder to pin it down as you would say if mum had a new baby or there was a death in the family. sometimes it was related to the actual learning-gifted, dyslexia etc but not always. Often with boys in particular it was that much harder for parents to take when they had previously been so mellow. Monkey is lucky. He has a caring, intuitive mum (and she’s pretty!) who will do everything possible to help him through this time either by eventually getting to the bottom of it or just by loving him through it.Hang in there!!

  9. Stjernesol

    Your writings are so alive and fantastic, I just had to leave a comment for you ;)

    You are one of my favourits!

    (by the way…I’m Norwegian ;)

  10. Michelle

    I’ve been reading your stuff for a few months now and I have to say that I agree with everyone that you are a good mom and you will figure this out. I have a difficult son and the stuff he did when he started school absolutely amazed me. Stuff I had never seen or imagined he could do. Screaming, crying, throwing books, throwing pencils, throwing chairs, etc. I felt blindsided. And yeah, this is hard on him too. My son was scared because he didn’t know what was happening or what to do with his anger.
    I have two pieces of advice for you, just cause you’re so pretty. Hang in there and practice deep breathing. Especially once you see an email from the teacher in your inbox. That’s usually the point where I would start breathing way too fast or not at all.
    And the other piece of unsolicited advice: Check his breakfast and lunch foods for yellow dye 5 or 6 and red dye 40 and see what happens. Most docs don’t know about/believe this and the dyes are in practically everything. I wish I had known about the effect years before we finally realized how much worse it made things.
    Hang in there oh pretty one!

  11. Theresa

    No unsolicited advice here either, because I’m sure your therapist will tell you the same things I would. Some kids are simply difficult, and it doesn’t mean YOU dropped the ball as a parent.

  12. abbey

    People aften tell me that mothering these little ones gets easier as they get older. This does not sound easier to me. I am frightened. I really prefer the problems I can fix by sticking my boob in thier mouths. My best to you, Mir and to your little Monkey.

  13. Elleana

    Poor Monkey. Poor You. We went through something of this nature last year. My little guy is in first grade this year too… but thankfully much better. His problem was stress (that’s not to say that is Monkey’s problem though – no through-the-computer diagnosing going on here) and thankfully we’ve managed to find ways to help out our little guy. Hopefully your answers come soon, for all of your sakes.
    And the fact that you are concerned and willing to take active steps to help him means that you ARE doing a good job as a mother. You can’t control everything he does (as nice as that would be) so don’t beat yourself up.

  14. Karen Rani

    I do know that you are doing your best. I hope it all works out. For what it’s worth, 6 and 7 were really tough ages for Dylan. We decided that we would try to do our best, which meant reading with him at night, spending more time talking with him, playing board games etc, and making sure he got enough sleep. That worked for us and it may not work for you. It took a long and frustrating time, and with Troll Baby in the picture, the stress was compounded. I do hope everything works out for your little family – and do whatever works for you.

    Pssst…duct tape is perfectly fine. Don’t let anyone tell you different. ;)

  15. ferd

    An inconvenient truth: a boy needs a full time father.

  16. Velma

    ferd, you are a terd.

    Mir, I really feel for you. Even my “Best Little Helper in the Class” goody-goody daughter has had a hellish transition from kindergarden to first grade this week. It’s not nearly as fun, there isn’t as much play time, there is way more hard work, and there is less recess. And, you know, summer is over.

    All I can say is hang in there. Remember that it *is* still the beginning of the school year and that things will settle down. You are doing a fantastic job. I often come here when I’m tearing my own hair out about my failings as a parent. I love your perspective, because reading about your experiences gives me a feeling of solidarity. My easy infant son turned into my what-the-hell-is-WRONG-with-this-kid toddler. My emotionally needy daughter sucks the life from me with her hair-trigger moods. EVERY child has issues, and every mom I’ve ever met worries that they are not meeting their kids’ needs. You’ll figure it out. You’ll work with the teacher, and his therapist, and your ex, and you’ll change things.

  17. Barb


    I am going to indulge in just a touch of unsolicited advice, citing my credentials of being a K teacher and the mom of a highly sensitive child. It is NOT unreasonable for you to expect, and request, a daily behavior report from the teacher. You DO need to know about those little daily meltdowns when they happen, so you can address them at home that same day. You do NOT need to be kept in the dark until Monkey completely loses all control. On the flip side, you need to know if Monkey has had a good day and deserves tons of praise and affirmation. And yes, I know you already know this. But every year I have parents who are afraid to ask me to do one more thing for their child, because they know how swamped the average teacher is already. There have been years that I have had more than one child on a daily behavior contract and report and years when I didn’t have any children who needed that much attention. If the teacher can email you she has a quick and easy communication method at her immediate disposal and she should be using it daily. Last year I had a child who’s mother heard from me at least once a day and often 3-4 times a day, good or bad. Sending her emails shortly after an incident had happened allowed us to track the child’s behavior and determine what times of day he was most likely to lose control, then discuss how to help him through those difficult times.

    I wish you love, patience and strength as you work through this with Monkey. I am a daily reader, although an infrequent poster, and will watch with great interest to see how Monkey’s school year unfolds.

  18. Barb

    And FERD – you are an ass.

  19. LB

    Mir, Good luck getting through this. I wish things were easier.
    FERD– definitely an ass.

  20. Beth Reid

    Right ferd, because boys with full-time fathers never have behavioral difficulties.

    Mir, I don’t know ‘now what?’ – but I do know that kids who are having a tough time, as your Monkey is right now, it’s not some sort of outward manifestation of Parental Sin. It’s hard, it’s confusing, it’s heartbreaking to watch a child you love struggle, but none of that makes it your fault! Your responsibility, yes, your problem, yes, your fault no.

  21. Chookooloonks

    Dude. What Beth Reid said. Beautifully put, and hear, hear.

  22. Amy

    Beth Reid said it all. I’ll just add: you are very, very pretty, and “Ferd is a terd” is so fun to say.

  23. Susan

    Beth Reid, come here and let me smooch you.

    Right after I smooch Mir, of course.

  24. Amy-Go

    Mojitos. And prayer. Not necessarily in that order. That’s all I got. ;(

  25. Mir

    Hey, ferd? Here’s an inconvenient truth for ya: You’re a sexist cretin.

    Every CHILD deserves the best possible PARENTING, regardless of their gender. Given that 1) Monkey HAS a full-time father (though what your criteria for “full-time” are, I can’t begin to imagine) and 2) I’ll be the first one to blame things on my ex (just ask him!) when it makes sense, but this is hardly one of those times, might I kindly invite you to keep your simplistic, blame-mongering analyses to yourself next time? Thanks.

  26. Julia

    I agree with what everyone else has said, it’s a difficult time/transition and you are obviously a great mum!
    That said- I wanted to make a suggestion (as a future Kindergarten teacher)… First grade tends to mean more sitting still, which can be rough for active kids. You might try having him run around the block/yard for 10-15 minutes before school each morning (or, when it’s cold out- use a small trampoline). Also, you could suggest to Monkey that if he’s starting to feel antsy/out of control he shoud ask to go to the bathroom and do some jumping jacks (you could suggest that the teacher let the whole class do this every 30 mins).
    I wanted to second Barb’s recomendation of a behavior contract. If you build in a reward (something small from your gift closet) at the end of the week if there have been no meltdowns, it may be enough incentive for Monkey to find ways to avoid meltdowns (although, I know I was an un-bribeable child, my poor mother tried everything).
    Good luck! And remember, it’s only the first week- hopefully he’s just having a difficult transition and things will get better shortly!

  27. chris

    my shoulder is here for you anytime.

  28. Christina

    Ferd is a terd – and give Monkey a big hug, you will figure this out :)

  29. Laura

    As the all knowing Ferd said, having a “full time father” must be a cure all. After all, Hitler, Pol Pot and Mussolini all had them and look how well *they* turned out.

    What IS important is that every child have adults in their lives who love them absolutely and unconditionally, who advocate for them and who nothing but their best interest in mind. Monkey quite clearly has lucked out in that department.

    Ferd has to leave now and get back to his job writing social policy with a crayon for the president, or I’m sure he’d be happy to stick around and explain everything else to us!

  30. Daisy

    I speak as teacher (grade 6) and mom of a young teen with Asperger’s Syndrome. YOU ARE A GOOD, NO, GREAT MOTHER!!! Your description of going to Orange Alert when something goes wrong is absolutely dead-on accurate. Keep communicating with the teacher and with your wonderful(yes, wonderful) son. You will figure it out — or it will fix itself. And Ferd? Remember what Auntie Em wanted to say to Elvira Gulch? Me, too.

  31. MMM

    Mir, I LOVE the way you spoke back to Ferd. Brilliant. And so totally right on.

  32. chris

    it is SO hard when you’re in the middle of it, isn’t it? the scenes of S2 overturning desks in third grade are imprinted so vividly on my brain, and yet the actual event was 15 years ago. he’s still his own boy/man now but he’s an incredibly great guy. we thought it was the end of the world when were in it, and it took a long time for all of us to learn what we needed to, but i wanted you to know that you will find the right way for monkee. you love him too much to not make things right. hang on!

  33. Kate

    Mir, I’m sorry to hear that you and Monkey are having a tough time, and I hope everything gets worked out soon.

  34. rachel

    I have a difficult child too. and a “quirky” one.

    I hope you and Monkey can find solutions and get answers quickly. I’m so glad he has so many people helping him.

    So many people reminded me 2 weeks ago when my daughter lost it that there was something happening in her brain, and it wasn’t my fault. It didn’t help much, but I’m passing it on to you, amybe it will help you.

  35. javamama

    Oh, Mir! My best friend IRL just called in a panic on Friday night to tell me her son is about to be expelled from PRESCHOOL because he can’t keep his shit together there – very similar behaviors as Monkey. And I know this boy and he’s really a nice kid, and I know my BF and she’s a loving mom doing her best. But it turns out, the things she’s been doing aren’t exactly the best things *for him*. They would have been great things for another kid, but for some reason, they aren’t working for him. (And she’s a school psychologist, so, you know… it would seem she’d be an expert, no?)

    My point, and I do have one, is that you’ll find what he needs, because you are paying attention. It’s not nice to live in freakout land, but it means that you are on the case and you are going to figure it out. You are not a crap mom and he is not a crap kid. Virtual hugs to you all.

  36. Randi

    Okay, some assvice that you didn’t ask for…you seem like a great mother. Kids sometimes act up…and it’s not always a parents fault. I don’t stand with the philosophy that everything can be blamed on the parents. Kids are people too, and because they’re emotionally immature they can’t deal with some of the things they have to deal with every well. It could be that Monkey needs more individualized attention…or the opposite, that he needs to learn how to behave in a crowd…I’m sure that eventually you’ll figure out what’s going on, and how to get through to him. Taking away priveledges is a great start, because you’re showing you’re the “pack leader” (sorry, watching too much Cesar Milan) You’ll get it down…and two more things…Ferd is an Ass (my parents were divorced when I was a baby and I didn’t have a “full time father” and I’m fine) and second, therapists are sometimes overrated…what’s really better is a good friend and Ben and Jerry’s.

  37. Christy

    First, a selfish comment… I am now COMPLETELY freaked out about the ongoing wellbeing of my child, how I can avoid screwing him up, and if he ends up kind of screwy anyway what I’m going to do about it.

    I say all of this because in reading your posts, I think you sound like a great mom. You obviously love the kids, and want what’s best for them, and are willing to do what needs to be done to do it. Crappy parents blame society, or schools, or whatever. Good parents, unfortunately, blame themselves. This isn’t because they are to blame, but because they take responsibility for their children and know that they are the most influential people in their lives. Monkey is lucky to have you, so just keep on keepin’ on.

    And by the way, I love your blog. =}

  38. Aimee

    I’d say ferd is a turd, too, but I don’t want to do a disservice to those who are *merely* turds. Ferd is a jackass. Go ‘way, ferd.

    Mir, I don’t have any genius words of advice here. All I know is, Monkey’s terribly fortunate to have a mom (and dad) who care about him so much. No one’s sayin’ it’ll be easy, but you are all going to be fine, and I have faith that you will figure this out. Have I mentioned how pretty you are, too?

  39. Sheryl

    It must be so tough for you right now. Hang in there, you’re doing all the right things, and Monkey will come around. Maybe he just wants a turn at being the “difficult one” to see what that’s like. I’m sure this must be a scary time for him too. Hugs to you both.

  40. Heather Cook

    Mir… look at all the comments you got on this one. This is proof positive that

    a) you are not alone
    b) you ARE doing enough for Monkey

    I am feelin’ the irony here in that you JUST finished counselling ME on boy-child problems with some great (kick)assvice.

    Would it help to mutter “this too shall pass, this too shall pass…”

    Or you could throw in a “I brought you into this world and I can take you out” just for variety.

    You can deal with things that you don’t understand. You just learn as you go.

  41. Bob

    Damn, I miss one day…..

    I wish I had more to offer than my heartfelt support. I have every confidence that you and Monkey will work this out and he’ll soon be back to his sweet natured self.

    Take care.

  42. Bob

    by the way, Ferd is a turd.

  43. nancy

    ferd – you are an idiot.

  44. Cyndi

    Wow…I missed more than a day…but I don’t even get what Ferd the Turd is trying to say…

    Inconvenient? As if we have a huge choice in that arena most times…

    I grew up with a Mom who considered her own life way more than she worried about her parenting skills…long story. I loved her anyhow, but I woulda loved to have had a Mom like Mir… My “dad” wanted nothing to do with us…I guess we were inconvenient.

    My point? I turned out OK, I take care of myself and haven’t spent a day in prison.

    Chin up, Mir…you do what needs to be done and care about it. You also try very hard to keep the relationship with your kids’ Dad on an even keel. Bravo. You are better than most…and definitely better than Turdy Ferd.

  45. Ellen

    Long time listener, first time caller :)

    Go to the school’s office and ask to make an appointment with the principal. They can do a Functional Behavioral Assessessment and a Behavior Support Plan so that his behaviors can get better at school. Good luck!

  46. Meg

    Oh, fuck, Mir, that’s hard. That’s straight outta left field. (I’m an Australian so forgive me if I get baseball metaphors wrong — now, baseball’s the one on ice, right?)

    You are a great parent. You set boundaries for your kids. You show them love. You do stuff with ’em. You look after ’em.

    Sometimes they’re gonna act up anyway. Which sucks enormously. But it’s not your fault.

    Lots of luck dealing with it.

  47. Billie

    I would definitely follow the wonderful advice of these ladies. You need to speak with the teacher and let her know that you would like a dialy progress report. My 6 year old son just started 1st grade. It took the teacher 1 week and she started sending notes home every day (just like his kindergarden teacher did). She has already told me that it has helped keep him in line at school. I am able to reward him when he is good and take away things when he is bad (he was very upset when he had to miss a soccer game last week).

    Good luck with Monkey and you are a Great mother!!

  48. Zuska

    Oh, Mir, I’m so late to offer my support, but please know it is here. My stomach did flip-flops for you and Monkey as I read this. You and your support team will work through this for Monkey, I know you will. You are a GREAT mom.

  49. Lesley

    Well, clearly this is the result of you not planning enough for the kids to do this summer. It’s a wonder he’s made it two weeks. ;)

    Hang in there, Mir. I have no assvice, but I’m with everyone else on the Not Your Fault Train. Monkey’s gonna be A-OK. He’s still a neat kid.

  50. Allanna

    I don’t have any advice, but I, too, will offer my support. I think you’re doing an amazing job with Chickadee and Monkey by being so avaliable to them as a parent and be being involved in their schooling. (As an Ed major, I have a serious beef about parents who treat school as glorified baby-sitting or who expect educators to raise their children for them. Grrr.). I also agree with Ellen and Barb. Monkey’s teacher will probably find life a lot easier if she emails/contacts you more regularly so that you and she can work together as a team to get to the root of Monkey’s behavior.
    Best of luck! You’re doing great!

  51. InterstellarLass

    My oldest was my more difficult child. He had trouble controlling his emotions as well. We had problems off and on, but our started more in third grade and continued though 5th grade. It’s hard being a kid. He’ll get it sorted out, and I know you’ll be there to help him. Our issues mostly came from my son’s strange desire to be perfect. If things weren’t perfect, the world was out of whack and so was he.

  52. Woman with Kids

    As the mother of a “difficult” child too, I send my sympathy and hugs. And a large pitcher of margaritas. Boy 1 has had days… weeks… like that. And after a while, his behavior gets better. And then it goes back downhill. That’s great you and his dad can work together on this, I know it helps when Boy 1 is pulling his stunts and his father, step-mother and I can all put down our collective feet.

  53. ishouldbeworking

    Geeeeez, I missed a couple days…
    Mir, I don’t have any hands on experience w/boys, but with my 12 yr old girl, ever since she’s been a toddler, every so often (2-3 times a year) she will test the boundaries just to see if she can get away with anything that she couldn’t before. When she finds out the boundaries are still intact and not flexible, she settles down. However, now that she’s older, she’s more creative in her “testing”. Keep the boundaries in place, dish out the consequences and stand your ground. Then after he’s in bed, pour the margaritas! Hang in there, you are doing a great job! (hugs)

  54. julie

    Sweet, pretty Mir, I commented once before when your precious Monkey “had some issues” and it’s important enough to re-iterate…don’t put him on any medication until you have some basic blood work done. We went through three years of antidepressants, ADD meds, antipsychotics, mood stabilizers and three attempted suicides before we discovered that Lil Daughter has hyperthyroid. Her school wanted me to have her committed. And I had the support of her father, my sister, my parents and numerous friends of the family who knew her before she began having problems. You’re both in my prayers. And ferd, crawl back under your rock.

  55. Shiz

    Big hugs, dear. Big hugs.

  56. beedadoo

    (first time commenter)

    I could totally hug you right now. You just verbalized how I feel about my 7-year-old son.

  57. JGS

    I feel like you have said something like this to me in the past (don’t you hate when people do that???), though I am certain you said it more eloquently.

    Being a good parent is not just about how they are when they are behaving well. It is about how you are when they are not.

    You don’t have to know the answer, Mir, but you are connecting him to people who will and that’s what matters. You would and are going to the ends of the earth for your sweet boy to help him. THAT is the sign of a wonderful parent.

  58. carson

    You’re a great mom. He will get what he needs. Why? You are helping instead of ignoring. Breathe. (Sorry I came late to the party, I’ve been ignoring my own blog, couldn’t get to yours.)

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