Making memories, scarring bystanders

So before I forget, allow me to direct you to my latest recipe over at Alpha Mom, the perfect option if you kind of secretly love old-fashioned chicken casserole type things but are 1) gluten-free, 2) a fan of spices other than salt, and 3) religiously opposed to recipes that involve canned soup. This one is our alternative to chicken pot pie, but it’s topped with (gluten-free) cornbread. If you’re not gluten-free, make the cornbread with regular flour; I don’t judge.

Also, have you ever noticed that sometimes you ask me questions, or say “hey, can we see a picture of that?” and I don’t answer or produce? It’s very rare that this is intentional. It’s a lot less “no, you can’t have that” and a lot more “sure, let me just… oh, cookies!” And sometimes it’s more that someone says something like, “Oh, what oil-controlling moisturizer do you use?” and I realize that I hate my oil-controlling moisturizer and don’t want to recommend it to anyone. Stuff like that.

But when I mention Otto taking pictures of something, y’all KNOW there’s photographic evidence. And despite the fact that he’s an awesome photographer, I am not the most photogenic person in the world all the time. (TRY TO CONCEAL YOUR SHOCK.) Most of the time, I don’t share pictures. But sometimes, I guess I must.

There is, in fact, and entire SERIES of photos (thanks to my charming husband) of me committing unspeakable acts of amputation on a store-window mannequin. I didn’t feel like it was right to subject you to all of them, but you asked, so here’s a good summation, I think:

“Seriously, pictures? Good thing you’re cute.”

[Otto sent me these and I was immediately horrified. In my standard gentle and lyrical way, I screeched, "AM I REALLY THAT WIDE?? I LOOK LIKE A LINEBACKER IN THIS PHOTO!" and he was all "wide-angle lens something something" and "everyone looks kind of bubbly with it" and "please don't hurt me." Whatever.]

I spent about five minutes wrestling with the mannequin before a store associate became alarmed free to help, so while she continued dismantling my new plastic friend, I, uh, ended up doing this:

I have never looked more beautiful, I know.

I think we need a caption contest for the second photo, just to ease my feelings of WTF-did-I-just-share-with-the-world over letting you see that. (Seriously, ignoring the gorgeous facial expression, even, what is happening with my hair there? I would’ve asked Chickadee, but she was elsewhere in the store, pretending she didn’t know us.)

Caption away. I mean, no biggie or anything, but my self-esteem depends on it.

47 Responses to “Making memories, scarring bystanders”

  1. 1
    KateB November 1, 2013 at 11:01 am #

    Self-Concept is so bizarre. I saw that first picture and thought, “She’s just a little bit of a thing, isn’t she?” Thanks for sharing…even if it’s scary.

    • 1.1
      Mir November 1, 2013 at 11:07 am #

      It really is; I looked at that first picture and was all, “HOW DID MY THIGHS EVEN FIT THROUGH THE DOOR??” Isn’t being a girl FUN?

      • Erin November 1, 2013 at 12:00 pm #

        Oh man. If that is you having big thighs, then mine are an entirely separate category of huge! Ha!

    • 1.2
      AlisonC November 1, 2013 at 11:14 am #

      I totally agree – I wwas thinking that Mir is always talking about needing to work on her wight and my first thought was ooh she must have been working hard as she looks so thin! (I have no actual image to compare to but just going by how you describe yourself Mir)

    • 1.3
      JennyA November 1, 2013 at 11:18 am #

      Same thing! I was all “Oh, Mir is wee!” and then after reading, I was all, “WIDE, my ass. No, really, MY ass is wide. Not yours.”

      Societal patriarchy-industrial complex BS, hooray!

      And I still can’t decide whether it looks like you’re going all zombie on the arm or whether you’re horrified that a zombie arm is accosting you.

      • Angela Arnett Stone November 1, 2013 at 2:10 pm #

        ROFL Seriously I love these comments. Yes being a girl is wonderful. It seems almost any size girl has the same issues…

    • 1.4
      Heather November 1, 2013 at 7:42 pm #

      I thought the same!

    • 1.5
      Hall November 2, 2013 at 1:41 am #

      This!

    • 1.6
      Midj November 2, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

      What KateB said… Dead serious, that was my first thought.

    • 1.7
      My Kids Mom November 2, 2013 at 4:39 pm #

      And I looked at it and thought “oh, I wish I had curls all springy like that”. We never like what we have do we?

    • 1.8
      Lucinda November 3, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

      That’s exactly what I thought too. She’s tiny! Plus, where is all the gray that she is supposedly letting show these days? I’m mean seriously. I don’t see single one. To hear Mir describe it, I assumed she was salt and pepper these days.

  2. 2
    dad November 1, 2013 at 11:09 am #

    The caption should read: Oh boy…lunch!

    You look adorable in the pre-mayhem photo.
    In the second picture…not so much.

    However if you ever have to audition for a part as an enraged psychopathic cannibal this is the photo to submit.

    I’m so proud.

    • 2.1
      Beth A. November 4, 2013 at 4:44 pm #

      Mir, if I didn’t have such a rockstar of a dad, I would ask YOUR dad to adopt me. :)

  3. 3
    Therese November 1, 2013 at 11:12 am #

    Love it! How about “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you”?

    • 3.1
      Jessica (the celt) November 1, 2013 at 11:57 pm #

      Don’t bite the hand that clothes you? ;) I mean, that mannequin is willing to not only give her the shirt off its back, but also the arm off its shoulder! And she repays it by having it for lunch.

      For shame, Mir. For shame!

  4. 4
    Lisa November 1, 2013 at 11:15 am #

    Indeed, being a girl is fun! I had the same thought as the first poster, you are a wee tiny little thing!

  5. 5
    Hally November 1, 2013 at 11:17 am #

    First thought from the first photo? “CUTE BAG!”

    Second photo “You want to CHARGE me for homeschooling?!?! ARRRRGH.”

    Mir,
    May your awesomeness never fade.

    ps – Chickie’s ‘Bill’ costume? Brillant and retro. So two thumbs up, SuperMom.

    • 5.1
      Mir November 1, 2013 at 11:20 am #

      Haaaaa! Love!! (And yes, isn’t my bag awesome? I still love it, all these months later. It’s my consignment-store score from this post.)

  6. 6
    Kelly November 1, 2013 at 11:20 am #

    I, too, thought, “Wow, she doesn’t even have any back fat!” You’re tiny and beautiful!

  7. 7
    Holly November 1, 2013 at 11:25 am #

    How do you have teenaged kids and still manage to look barely 20 yourself? Hush, Mir’s Brain, you’re fabulous.

  8. 8
    diane November 1, 2013 at 11:45 am #

    I’m going to jump off the body commentary (although yes, you are darling) and just say I am super envious of your darling curls! And your glasses are sooooo cute!
    I have no great caption to share, I am too hung up on your glasses.

  9. 9
    RL Julia November 1, 2013 at 11:59 am #

    First thought – that it was your daughter. You look so young (and pretty)
    Second thought – she’s wearing short sleeves in October/November – where’s her sweater?
    Third thought – nice teeth (you are either really lucky in the tooth department or wore your retainers like you were supposed to).
    Thanks for posting!

    • 9.1
      Mir November 1, 2013 at 12:09 pm #

      1) She is way prettier than I am, but thank you.
      2) Atlanta, baby… I think it was 75 degrees that day.
      3) My orthodontist is rich. (And I can see where my bottom teeth shifted because I was awful about wearing my retainers. My kids’ ortho actually cements wires behind their teeth after their braces come off, as “permanent retainers,” which I think is brilliant.)

  10. 10
    Chuck November 1, 2013 at 12:55 pm #

    I think the second photo would make a great Facebook profile picture.

    • 10.1
      Chuck November 1, 2013 at 12:56 pm #

      Also, speaking as someone who IS actually linebacker-sized…you do NOT look wide in the first photo.

    • 10.2
      Beth A. November 4, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

      yes!!!

  11. 11
    Laura November 1, 2013 at 1:40 pm #

    Um, seriously, I look at these pictures of you and my first thought was “I would eventually like to be as thin as Mir and I really wish my insanely wavy/almost curly hair would do what hers is doing and not just become a fright wig when I try to air dry it.”

    You look fine and the picture is hilarious!

  12. 12
    Frank November 1, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

    My first thought on the second pic was “She had a ‘Coyote Ugly’ (the concept, not the movie) moment… but couldnt think of a good caption without possibly offending He Whom You Actually DO Wake Up Next To. After all.. you DID have some funky meds.

  13. 13
    Holly Gault November 1, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

    “Handburgers? I love handburgers!”

  14. 14
    Susie November 1, 2013 at 4:47 pm #

    Take that, only correct size in the store!!! Thou shall not thwart me!

  15. 15
    Jan in Norman OK November 1, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

    Oh, for goodness sake! God should curse me with such girth.

  16. 16
    Jeanie November 1, 2013 at 6:44 pm #

    YOU ARE NOT WIDE!!

  17. 17
    Jen November 1, 2013 at 7:35 pm #

    Wide, my ass. Actually, that is true of me, not of you. I have this aircraft carrier thing going on in back. ;)

  18. 18
    Laura November 1, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

    You are tiny. Also, adorable and goofy. Thanks for sharing your photos!

  19. 19
    Jessica (the celt) November 1, 2013 at 11:52 pm #

    Okay, so what *I* thought when I looked at that first picture was, “What is Mir talking about when she says she needs to lose weight? She’s absolutely tiny!” My second thought was, “Wow, that’s a cute bag. But it’s bigger than I need. I wonder if they make a smaller version of that cute bag…?”

    And then I saw the freaky arm one and thought, “Ah, so THAT’s how Mir would react if zombies and/or disembodied arms started to attack her family. I want to be on HER team when the zombie apocalypse begins.”

    (And I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one hating my oil control moisturizer. I know I asked about it back when you talked about it, but I’m becoming convinced that a good one doesn’t actually exist. I haven’t met anyone who loves their oil control moisturizer, so I was just so very hopeful that maybe you had found the One True Moisturizer that would work for me. Alas.)

    • 20.1
      Mir November 2, 2013 at 7:44 am #

      Okay, just to be clear, I have never said (or felt) that I am fat. I am in need of more exercise (I am out of shape) and I would love to lose a few pounds because I feel better at a slightly lower weight. When my pants get tight I get grumpy. That’s all.

      • Julie November 2, 2013 at 7:24 pm #

        I feel ya! Me too. Just thought of this blog post after reading several of the comments. As a Mommy who finds it much more difficult to take care of my body now that little people require my constant attention, this is an idea I struggle with. I hope it is an encouragement to others.

  20. 21
    Heathershell November 2, 2013 at 8:44 am #

    So the Walking Dead really is happening in Georgia? Stay out of Atlanta it was taken over in the 1st season, Macon is not safe either since the prision & the Vet School are just up the road & we have seen how covered in “walkers” both towns are.

  21. 22
    Brigitte November 2, 2013 at 10:01 am #

    We’ll show those zombies we BITE BACK!

    I also thought you looked like a kid in the first photo.

  22. 23
    Juli Ward November 4, 2013 at 7:29 pm #

    I am a bit late to the game admittedly, but I would caption this, “Young girl finally finds a diet that won’t make her fat”. Because, you know, plastic probably just gets pumped out of your stomach by the ER. I say this because you look fabulous and in that first picture, you know the one you were incredibly critical about, you seriously look 15. Sad to say that a gal that looks borderline anorexic is pretty. Sadder still that she thinks she looks hippy.

  23. 24
    Anna Marie November 4, 2013 at 7:48 pm #

    Late to the party, but just LOOk at your cute tiny self!

  24. 25
    karen November 5, 2013 at 12:32 am #

    Weren’t you letting your hair go gray? Either you changed your mind, or your idea of lots of gray is kind of different than mine. :)

    • 25.1
      Mir November 5, 2013 at 6:18 am #

      1) Kind lighting.
      2) I am much grayer in the back than the front.

  25. 26
    12tequilas November 5, 2013 at 11:38 am #

    Can I second or third or fourth (etc.) “wide, my ass.” And “cute bag.” Also, cute specs!

  26. 27
    Wendalette November 11, 2013 at 9:37 pm #

    #1. So pretty! #2. So…intense!
    P.S. You could be my mom’s younger, less African-American/multi-racial sister.

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    [...] addition to being taken to task for my comments about the unflattering wide-angle lens Otto used in this post, there were a couple of comments about how DIDN’T YOU LET YOUR HAIR GO GRAY? and I [...]

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