Inconveniences of the dull and boring

“Our life is boring,” I told Otto after dinner last night. “I have nothing to blog about!”

“We should go on more adventures,” he replied. That Otto, he’s a problem solver. Though he seemed a little miffed when I declined his offer to leave the dirty dishes on the table, the children in their rooms, and grab the dog and drive off into the sunset. I’m not saying it wasn’t tempting, just that I was afraid the kids might eventually track us down. (Also, I hadn’t finished my laundry, and you should never run away without a sizable stash of clean undies.)

I just want to make it clear that I know I am
1) boring
2) relatively privileged
and
3) whining.

I KNOW. That’s not going to stop me, though.

Inconvenience #1: Otto and I went grocery shopping this weekend, as we are wont to do. “I’m craving pork chops,” said my darling husband. (He is the only person I know who craves pork chops. Part of his charm? Perhaps. Otto: too un-hipster for bacon.) They had pork chops at the store, of course, but I remembered seeing pork chops in our freezer, so I assured him that we didn’t need to buy any, we could just defrost the ones we already had. SCORE! And then I forgot about it, until this morning. I went to (triumphantly!) pull the pork chops out of the freezer, feeling smug and self-satisfied that I’d remembered them, and… they were all freezer-burned. Like, they looked like they’d been in there since Bush was in office. Seriously gross. NO PORK CHOPS FOR YOU, OTTO. Sorry about that. How about a nice piece of this-salmon-looks-okay, instead? Yes? Good.

Inconvenience #2: Sometimes I work with organizations because they pay me. Sometimes I work with organizations because they pay me AND because I love what they do. And very rarely—because I’m a busy woman, what with all of the ruining of pork chops and whatnot—I work with an organization for free because they matter to me. Recently I got a very nice email from Monkey’s special education coordinator at the virtual school program, wanting to know if I’d be willing to participate in some research aimed at improving the online learning experience for kids with special needs. I said yes without hesitation, because I think this is important. I did an online survey, and Monkey did an online survey, and then I got an email from the researchers asking if I’d be willing to do a phone interview, and if so, when? I mailed back potential available times and… never heard back. About two weeks later I got a phone call, asking if we could set up a time. I said sure. And that meeting time came and went. I emailed asking if we were still on, and… radio silence. Late that evening I got an emailed apology with a request to reschedule. Listen, I know stuff happens, but c’mon. Get it together.

Inconvenience #3: Lands’ End is having a big sale, so I spent entirely too much time going through the sale section and picking out essential items like a new bathing suit (you know, because I swam all of… what?… maybe three times this summer?) and pants with little embroidered bulldogs for Monkey because HAAAAAAA. Upon applying the available 30% off coupon I remembered that you only get free shipping at $50+ AFTER coupon, which meant I had to go back through and find something else to buy to get free shipping. FINE. Then I went to my Discover Cashback Center to buy an electronic gift card to Lands’ End to save more, and they showed the electronic version of those gift cards to be “currently unavailable.” Did the Internet run out of numbers? RAAAAAAGE. I abandoned my shopping cart in a fit of pique.

Inconvenience #4: Now that my hair is sort-of-long-but-not-super-long again I have taken to mostly wearing it straight, because (duh) that makes it longer, and there’s something about having my normally poofy-curly locks just hitting my shoulders that makes me crazy. So I straighten it, hating myself the entire time, because it takes forever, probably isn’t very good for my hair, and I should love myself in my natural state, or something. WELL. The good thing is that, once straightened, I can wear my hair like that for days with minimal touch-ups. The bad news is that ACK RAIN, and much like the Wicked Witch, I fear water when my hair is all prettified like this. And guess what! GO ON, GUESS! Yeah. It’s been rainy. WAH.

Inconvenience #5: Just bitching about these things makes me feel like a sad, shallow individual. But it was this or tell you the great new pick-up line my daughter shared with us last night.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll share that, too, because it made me laugh and laugh. This came from another kid, and she says they were all swapping dumb lines and this girl breaks out with a nudge-nudge-wink-wink and, “Girl, are you from Hawaii? Because… your license plate says Hawaii. Hey, how’d you get your car across the ocean?”

That’s it. That’s the whole thing. I couldn’t stop laughing. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME.

P.S. Also, I shared a recipe which isn’t really a recipe over at Alpha Mom, because even the stuff I cook is apparently suffering from a vague sense of ennui. You’re welcome.

16 Responses to “Inconveniences of the dull and boring”

  1. 1
    Megan September 26, 2013 at 11:38 am #

    #4 is not an inconvenience, it is a bona fide tragedy. And not because I have curly hair and live in England but because it’s just true. It is. Fact.

    note – it’s possible that I spend far too much time calculating the odds on the weather people being correct, working out the time spent straightening my hair vs the chance of rain, and then deciding if it’s worth the fuss and bother.

  2. 2
    Melissa September 26, 2013 at 11:52 am #

    “Did the Internet run out of numbers?” made me choke-laugh and now I’m trying to pull it back together at my desk. Thank you for that this morning.

  3. 3
    Issa September 26, 2013 at 11:54 am #

    Discover card is on my list man. The last two times I’ve gone on to get my rewards and the Starbucks card is unavailable. WTF? The world didn’t run out of coffee. I just don’t believe it.

  4. 4
    Little Bird September 26, 2013 at 12:04 pm #

    Household projects are great for ennui. My bathroom currently lacks a sink and a medicine chest.
    And now I crave pork chops.

  5. 5
    RuthWells September 26, 2013 at 12:16 pm #

    It is an ennui time of year, methinks. Resurfacing the driveway staved it off for me for a few days, but now I’m back to staring at my to-do list, slack-jawed.

    • 5.1
      JennyA September 26, 2013 at 1:26 pm #

      I hear you. I have elevated slack-jawed list-staring to an art. I can work a mean glazed-over eye.

  6. 6
    Heidi D. September 26, 2013 at 12:42 pm #

    I straighten my hair, too, and have always dreaded the rain and snow. A friend suggested Big Sexy Hair Weather Proof Humidity Resistant spray… and I LOVE it. Obviously, if your hair gets wet, it won’t save it from poofing/curling up. But it will help against the moisture in the air.

  7. 7
    js September 26, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

    We are having pork chops for dinner tonight because it is one of five things my child will actually eat. Otto is welcome to come for dinner at our house tonight if he doesn’t mind the drive to Michigan ;-)

    Also, I’ve been worried you’re going to or thinking about quitting the blog. Don’t do that, please. Even your inconveniences cheer me up :-)

  8. 8
    suburbancorrespondent September 26, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

    Boring? But…but…COSTCO!

  9. 9
    Anna September 26, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

    Hmm, maybe your phone interview could start with the fact that special needs students need RELIABLE programs. *huff*

  10. 10
    Brigitte September 26, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

    It is your god-given right to whine, woman!

  11. 11
    12tequilas September 26, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Okay, I need to explain something to you, even though you are very smart, and also very pretty.

    You have said before that cooking is just following recipes and anyone can do that (or a version of those words). The truth is that some people find cooking very difficult and don’t do it at all. Some can do it but need a lot of handholding. And some people, such as myself, enjoy cooking and have some ability to do so, but often draw a blank need good ideas like the frittata recipe you so kindly shared with us.

    Sure, I probably *could* have made a frittata by now in my life, but I haven’t. And now I’m going to! At worst you gave me a dinner idea, and at best you gave me an idea, a way to do it, some helpful tips and variations, and…well, you get my point here.

    Bottom line: yes, it’s a recipe.

  12. 12
    Peggy Fry September 26, 2013 at 4:19 pm #

    “how’d you get your car across the ocean?”

    Look at them blankly and say with all seriousness, “Duct Tape.”

  13. 13
    Sarah B. September 26, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

    That pick-up line slayed me… metaphorically, of course, but that was great. I love that you can spell pique correctly. However, I feel that it should somehow be more satisfying to abandon an online shopping cart. There should be some evil satisfaction, like when you get all ticked off at Home Depot or Target or Dick’s Sporting Goods because they don’t have the ONE THING in stock that you actually went for and leave behind the cart full of 10 other things that you decided to get while you were there. Not that that’s ever happened to me…

  14. 14
    Liza September 27, 2013 at 9:49 am #

    I love the pickup line. It sounds like the kind of joke my 5 year old tells. Also, I do not understand the craving of pork chops. They might be my least favorite mainstream meat. In fact, I blame them for my 10 years of having been a vegetarian.

  15. 15
    Arnebya September 27, 2013 at 9:50 am #

    OK the pickup line is so dumb you can’t help but laugh. And then laugh some more because dumb. Also funny. Because dumb. I was so excited the other day because I had a Gap coupon. I was going to get free shipping and use the coupon I’d just gotten for signing up for email. The offer said something like sign up for email and get 20% off your next purchase. THAT WAS IT. I signed up and got an electronic coupon that had fine print of 20% off your next order of $100 or more. Well damn. I was so pressed to get to $50 for free shipping and now…now…NONE OF IT. I DON’T WANT ANY OF IT. *closes laptop, stomps away*

    I rarely straighten my hair (although I’m having it done professionally next week because it’s mah birfday) because my wash and go is so very easy even though it still requires maintenance. I just got tired of the smoke and burned hair smell when I’d get it straightened and then no humidity! No mist! Wrap it up with a bandana, two scarves, and a shower cap before bathing! Do not perspire. Whatevs. I’ma just be over here with an afro.

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