“Our life is boring,” I told Otto after dinner last night. “I have nothing to blog about!”
“We should go on more adventures,” he replied. That Otto, he’s a problem solver. Though he seemed a little miffed when I declined his offer to leave the dirty dishes on the table, the children in their rooms, and grab the dog and drive off into the sunset. I’m not saying it wasn’t tempting, just that I was afraid the kids might eventually track us down. (Also, I hadn’t finished my laundry, and you should never run away without a sizable stash of clean undies.)
I just want to make it clear that I know I am
2) relatively privileged
I KNOW. That’s not going to stop me, though.
Inconvenience #1: Otto and I went grocery shopping this weekend, as we are wont to do. “I’m craving pork chops,” said my darling husband. (He is the only person I know who craves pork chops. Part of his charm? Perhaps. Otto: too un-hipster for bacon.) They had pork chops at the store, of course, but I remembered seeing pork chops in our freezer, so I assured him that we didn’t need to buy any, we could just defrost the ones we already had. SCORE! And then I forgot about it, until this morning. I went to (triumphantly!) pull the pork chops out of the freezer, feeling smug and self-satisfied that I’d remembered them, and… they were all freezer-burned. Like, they looked like they’d been in there since Bush was in office. Seriously gross. NO PORK CHOPS FOR YOU, OTTO. Sorry about that. How about a nice piece of this-salmon-looks-okay, instead? Yes? Good.
Inconvenience #2: Sometimes I work with organizations because they pay me. Sometimes I work with organizations because they pay me AND because I love what they do. And very rarely—because I’m a busy woman, what with all of the ruining of pork chops and whatnot—I work with an organization for free because they matter to me. Recently I got a very nice email from Monkey’s special education coordinator at the virtual school program, wanting to know if I’d be willing to participate in some research aimed at improving the online learning experience for kids with special needs. I said yes without hesitation, because I think this is important. I did an online survey, and Monkey did an online survey, and then I got an email from the researchers asking if I’d be willing to do a phone interview, and if so, when? I mailed back potential available times and… never heard back. About two weeks later I got a phone call, asking if we could set up a time. I said sure. And that meeting time came and went. I emailed asking if we were still on, and… radio silence. Late that evening I got an emailed apology with a request to reschedule. Listen, I know stuff happens, but c’mon. Get it together.
Inconvenience #3: Lands’ End is having a big sale, so I spent entirely too much time going through the sale section and picking out essential items like a new bathing suit (you know, because I swam all of… what?… maybe three times this summer?) and pants with little embroidered bulldogs for Monkey because HAAAAAAA. Upon applying the available 30% off coupon I remembered that you only get free shipping at $50+ AFTER coupon, which meant I had to go back through and find something else to buy to get free shipping. FINE. Then I went to my Discover Cashback Center to buy an electronic gift card to Lands’ End to save more, and they showed the electronic version of those gift cards to be “currently unavailable.” Did the Internet run out of numbers? RAAAAAAGE. I abandoned my shopping cart in a fit of pique.
Inconvenience #4: Now that my hair is sort-of-long-but-not-super-long again I have taken to mostly wearing it straight, because (duh) that makes it longer, and there’s something about having my normally poofy-curly locks just hitting my shoulders that makes me crazy. So I straighten it, hating myself the entire time, because it takes forever, probably isn’t very good for my hair, and I should love myself in my natural state, or something. WELL. The good thing is that, once straightened, I can wear my hair like that for days with minimal touch-ups. The bad news is that ACK RAIN, and much like the Wicked Witch, I fear water when my hair is all prettified like this. And guess what! GO ON, GUESS! Yeah. It’s been rainy. WAH.
Inconvenience #5: Just bitching about these things makes me feel like a sad, shallow individual. But it was this or tell you the great new pick-up line my daughter shared with us last night.
Oh, who am I kidding? I’ll share that, too, because it made me laugh and laugh. This came from another kid, and she says they were all swapping dumb lines and this girl breaks out with a nudge-nudge-wink-wink and, “Girl, are you from Hawaii? Because… your license plate says Hawaii. Hey, how’d you get your car across the ocean?”
That’s it. That’s the whole thing. I couldn’t stop laughing. THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME.
P.S. Also, I shared a recipe which isn’t really a recipe over at Alpha Mom, because even the stuff I cook is apparently suffering from a vague sense of ennui. You’re welcome.